Rude skids can't shut up
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Skids, 12 and 14, are here for an impromptu visit (birthday gifts anyone?) and as usual, talk over me nearly every time I open my mouth. DH is trying to compensate without addressing the issue by asking me this and that. Each time I answer, there is a skid talking. I'm getting pissed. I want to respond as I would with any other child: stopping whatever I'm saying and directly addressing the issue. This will only make the skids act like hurt abused puppies. Then I will look like the inconsiderate ass instead of them. How would you handle it?
lol, duct tape. Might try
lol, duct tape. Might try this but I'm not sure anyone would even notice
Exactly what I would like to
Exactly what I would like to do. I just dread the looks I'll get, the coddling I'll have to listen to from DH. BM might even prevent them from coming back (sounds too good to be true hu?) and then I'll be to blame for him not seeing his darlings. Seriously, I can't say anything but fun, happy crap to these kids without an uproar. Can't wait for this day to be over already!
Seriously, yes. One time I
Seriously, yes.
One time I really "lost it" and raised my voice a bit and clearly said "I can't fucking take this anymore." Took 2 deep breaths and then apologized profusely. The result: BM refused to let DH see the kids for months and he accused me of abusing his children!!! I felt awful but in decades of working with and living with other people's kids, this was the worst it ever got and he called me a child abuser.
I have been disengaged and doing a great job of just staying away from them but today, while the two of us were out shopping, BM decided she needed a sitter so called for him to come get the kids. He of course jumps like trained pony. I was stuck.
What's wrong is poor them for not having parents who stayed together. What's wrong is that both parents think they are in a popularity contest. What's wrong is that he's actually pretty much told me that he thinks his son in particular is a useless loser and has no hope of being a good person so he's just not gonna bother. Yes, they are afraid. Shows you how small an adult man can really be. Sad but true.
He hit me where he knew it
He hit me where he knew it would hurt most. I was actually horrifically abused as a child so he knows how upsetting it was to have someone call me a child abuser. I really really love your idea. If that EVER comes up again (and I doubt it will), I'm going to lay this back at his feet by telling him that if I'm abusive, he's not protecting his kids.
What's wrong is that you
What's wrong is that you allow this to happen.
Check them each time they interrupt. If it csuses backlash, so be it.
What's wrong is that I'm
What's wrong is that I'm weaker than he is. I'm just never willing to hit below the belt like that. Up until now, I haven't had anyone at all on my side (no family other than him and skids). Hearing all of you be supportive of me standing up for myself is incredibly helpful. I need to stick with asking questions and reading and maybe I'll get somewhere finally.
I'm sorry - I was horribly
I'm sorry - I was horribly abused as a child too (by my BM) so I know how horrific it would be for someone to throw that accusation at me - it's not something I'm sure you take lightly.
What amazes me, is that he actually *said* that - which makes me question what kind of man he is. I mean, who would say such a thing?
Think of it this way - would you ever, and I mean EVER, say that to your spouse to hurt him? Of course not. Yet...he has....
I'd start maybe, just thinking about how your life would be without this "man" in your life - because trust me, no one deserves to be abused.
And after all you've been through as a child - you certainly are not in any way, shape, or form to put up with MORE abuse.
The thing is, you've been conditioned to handle it. Where others might have a much lower tolerance threshold, abuse victims always have one that's high - simply because they've been conditioned. So think about that. And think about whether he is worth any more of your time.
Good luck.
I've spent a lot of time
I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like without him. There's no doubt I'd be less nervous. But I'd also be incredibly alone. Something has got to give soon.
"you've been conditioned to handle it."
Exactly.
All of this is so
All of this is so dysfunctional. Why does DH not go to court? BM should not have that much say with their kids.
2 issues: Sometimes the judge
2 issues:
Sometimes the judge is just seriously in a bad mood and you can have the most obvious case in the world (BM admits to violating every single term of the "parental rights and responsibilities" regularly) and things don't work out. This seems to be a 50/50 thing the past few years. Its like they genuinely don't listen and only want to move it out of court which I understand. But it took BM literally hiding skids for over a year to get the court to place her in contempt.
DH allows BM to get away with a lot of it. For instance, they got a temporary order put in place a few months ago after she was found in contempt. Because she has been letting him see the skids somewhat regularly, he feels grateful and doesn't want to go back to court so they can find her in contempt again for ignoring the other half of the agreement (getting paperwork to him, getting SD a cell phone so he can have some contact with his kids, etc.) She still controls absolutely everything about visits and even what the skids do while they're here. I just have to try to physically stay away.
Perfect! Since that time I
Perfect! Since that time I "abused" his children, I haven't said anything to them no matter how rude they are. I think I'll have to let him know that that is over, that I will be speaking up. If he has concerns he can either take the kids elsewhere or we can send me on a mini-vacation.
I want to be with DH because I remember who he was and I see pieces of it sometimes still. It is hard to fall out of love with someone when they give you just enough to keep you coming back.
Thank you!!
"You will always carry that
"You will always carry that wound in your heart."
Yep, everyday, all day.