I used to get really caught up in this kind of thinking, but I was only harming myself by allowing it to continue. Both my DH & I have pasts, which would make me a hypocrite if I kept hyper focusing on his past with his ex.
I started telling myself the thoughts I was having was toxic to ME, and I was poisoning myself by giving their past so much room in my head.
It still pops up here & there, it’s bound to from time to time. It’s like a form of PTSD, there are little triggers that I don’t know exist until I come across them. But I keep reminding myself not to be toxic to myself, and that really helps.
It also helps to think of things I’ve done with men in the past sometimes too. If I start going down a negative path, I’ll bring up happy memories from before DH & realize I’m being a hypocrite.
With my SS’s, I focus on all the ways they’re like DH. I’m lucky that they’re lovely little boys so this is easy to do for me. They’re lucky to have him as a dad, and really are good boys despite their mothers crap parenting.
Be kind to yourself, we’re all human. But def work on it for your own sake. It’s freeing to not have his ex on your mind all the time.
They only represent the results of f-ed up parenting to me. It's been a 50/50 arrangement for years (long before I came on the scene), the only thing that smarts is when they talk about what they're having done "at home", and if it's about here they refer to this home as "Dad's".
But I know that in this midst of this nightmare I'm in, the one 'saving grace' if you like about me and OH is that the BM's interference is really only about protecting the snowflakes from anything in the world which could actuall build respect for others or resilience, she doesn't interfere in us, and my OH hates her. It's like she inhabits another planet, nice and distant.
I have/had little reason to feel as you do. My husband never talked about his first marriage as anything but hellish. His ex isn't pretty (anymore?) and he rarely sees her, if at all these days.
But still...on a rare occasion, I'll feel as you do. So that just goes to show you, even in the best ex situations (a BM who's gone and nearly forgotten), that stuff will creep into your brain.
When it does, I do exactly what you do. I start thinking about my exes and that does the trick...usually...except on those days when I start thinking about all the exes that didn't have kids. Then a new emotion comes over me: REGRET!!!!!
Bottom line: This is just noise and you're doing the right thing to talk yourself out of it. Don't let this stuff ruin your day and certainly not your marriage.
Yes, it does. They were married for years-- years that appeared to be happy on the outside. Their divorce was a shock to their circle, because neither were vocal about how miserable they were in the marriage.
Because of that, and when I came along as the first woman dad dated since his divorce, I felt this immense pressure to be accepted and liked by all, including proving how much "better" I am than BM.
The reality is, I'm not. We're just two women who had a relationship with the same man-- one worked out and one didn't, yet both relationships produced children that we're essentially all on the hook to raise. This may be less common on this site, but we do a lot of parallel parenting with BM, so there's some definite boundaries-- but not all out hatred.
It was hard for me to accept that he loved her and chose to have a child with her in a bad marriage. Some days I want to shake the shit out of him for being so stupid and tying us down forever to her because of their flat out choice to have a child-- both knowing the marriage was tanking.
But, there's nothing I can do about it and like a previous poster said-- it just makes ME feel toxic and angry when I dwell on it. I just focus on the fact that everyone has moved on-- all of the adults are remarried and happy, I have a child now with my husband that I adore, my SK and step siblings she loves.
I never struggled with the kids representing it.. But I did struggle a LOT with the past, and sometimes still do. It's hard to shut off.
I never had a BF before DH. Didn't even kiss someone. I saved all that. I DID have two seperate stalkers at various times, they honestly turned me off from dating or met for a LONG time. So it used to be a struggle for me to accept that my DH had EVER been with someone else. It made me feel inexperienced and frankly judged a bit.
After a bit of it beign rather overwhelming I started trying to focus more on the now. And it worked. SLOWLY. But it made it easier to focus on now instead of what had happened before me. Those issues don't seem as crazy now. Because frankly, he loves the girls, but he regrets the Psycho, he knocked up the Psycho in high school, she did it on purpose, even admitted to it, she knew he was going military and wanted the benefits. I know he regrets it, but he can't change it anymore than I can. So I HAD to let go of it for the good of both of us.
I think it actually depends a lot on how the BM is. If she is very in your face, a GUBM, and all “our children” and just generally difficult you will feel this way much more strongly. I think prinaiely because it almost feels like a prison sentence being tied up with her- and you are forced to think about the cause of this sentence often.
I also believe some women know how to work it so that you feel this way, and they do it intentionally. Their kids and past relationship is the end all be all to life and they make it so they are as much involved in your life as the kids are.
I have had an ex who had a kid who parallel parented, the mom was stable and normal and honestly I very rarely even thought about their past. With my DH the kids are used as weapons, they are alienated fully now, every interaction about the kids or court appearance she made it about her.... and I do feel these feelings in the situation I’m in now. It is a horrible feeling to have that is totally toxic to yourself and I have gotten at least a bit better at just not thinking about it as much.
I don't really care about the fact that SD comes from DH's past relationship.
DH has only been with BM before me. I've been with... well, a lot more than that before him. And he just so happened to have SD from his first love. Not a problem with me whatsoever.
I mean, sometimes I do wish they didn't procreate because MY life would be a lot easier without SD, but the fact that they did doesn't bug me. Everyone has a past.
I'm sure it helps that BM isn't very involved and she went very downhill after DH/her were together. She's about 100 pounds larger, doesn't take care of herself, and last time I saw her, she had acne bleeding on her face lol. So yeah, no worries there.
ETA - no offense to acne. We all get it. We just don't all pick at it until our face is covered in blood before seeing our ex's wife. lol.
I don’t care about DH’s past. We were both married, had children, got divorced. But DH still stews over the past—not my exH but a couple of guys I dated before I started dating DH.
He’s irrational about it. I didn’t even know DH when I dated Guy #1. I had met DH when I dated Guy #2 but DH was still married, so I wouldn’t have dated him then.
I never even think about those guys until HE brings them up—maybe twice a year because he’s feeling insecure about something. It is nucking futz and drives me crazy.
Seriously, if you are obsessing over your DH’s past, get help. You could very well be damaging your marriage at worst, or look a little crazed at best.
I couldn’t get over it. The fact that the kids loved their POS mom... well, at least the oldest SD loved and revered her abusive ass mom... I didn’t want to be involved in that situation. I couldn’t play “counter-example” as a mother who actually cares about her child without actually speaking the truth- which is a value I exemplify for my own kid.
The Skids’ mom’s life is a legit train wreck with drug abuse, criminal activity, multiple moves, parental alienation, 6 kids by 5 fathers wasteland of nastiness. I couldn’t get over the fact that my “man” had two kids with the trashbag, AND that 1 of the 2 kids was loyal to her mother.
I’m honest and a realist, and no way could I live in close quarters with these people and not call a spade a spade (The BM). I didn’t say anything to the kids before I left the situation, but you have no idea how much I still want to tell that shit-stirring oldest SD that her mother SUCKS harder than the best As-Seen-On-TV vacuum.
When I was in my 20s I dated a great guy for a couple of years - but I never once considered marrying him because he was divorced and had a child. I really liked him and we had so much fun. But he was just not marriage material since he had that child. Yes that was selfish of me - but I knew what I wanted and didn't want. I also made it explicitly clear how I felt from our first date on.
So I absolutely understand how someone can feel that it's a problem when they have reproduced with another. I was fortunate in that I knew up front that it was a deal breaker.
I met my ex-H in college, and we were together 20 years. I met my wonderful DH a year after our divorce; we have been together almost 5 years and married for almost 3 years. He has 4 kids and I have 3. When I got divorced, dating felt like a whole new world since though I'd had many boyfriends and a lot of fun in college (getting nostalgiac here LOL), it was all during 'childhood". Suddenly everyone came with baggage, including me. I knew I was a package deal with my 3 kids. Though they are great kids and I've been told this all their lives by teachers, friends' parents, sitters etc. - I knew that only a man in my situation, a divorced dad, could be expected to take on someone else's kids. I could never have been with a man and taken on his kids without having had my own. As it turned out, I have not taken on his kids - 2 are grown, 1 in college and youngest never comes here. But, I have this thing about fairness and balance.
So yes, I agree with you. I have no jealousy/resentment over DH's past only because we have the same - he was married even longer than I was. He and BM rarely if ever communicate. I do take a bit of enjoyment in the fact I am much more fit, attractive and way more successful in my career than BM is...can't help it - I felt sorry for her the one time we met. Interestingly, my ex-H who is 46 just got engaged to a 27 year old he met only a couple of months ago. She is beautiful and seems nice; no kids. I don't see what's in it for her though; he had a vasectomy so she's basically settling for seconds. I want to tell her to find a younger guy she can build a life with but it's none of my business. I myself would never settle for leftovers. I am not disparaging anyone without kids who chooses to be with someone who has them; I just intuitively knew that I could never be in a relationship where we were not balanced due to the feelings you describe.
A skid does not represent the past relationship between a person and their X. A Skid is incontrovertable fact of a relationship between a person and their X. So what kind of question is this?
A Skid is the product of the past of a person and those experiences and histories are part of what make our SOs who they are. Without those experiences they would not be the people we love. So, why even go down this rat hole?
Deal with reality and forget representations of your partners past. If you can't do that, then end it now and don't put this person that you supposedly love through the drama of your insecurities.
I used to get really caught
I used to get really caught up in this kind of thinking, but I was only harming myself by allowing it to continue. Both my DH & I have pasts, which would make me a hypocrite if I kept hyper focusing on his past with his ex.
I started telling myself the thoughts I was having was toxic to ME, and I was poisoning myself by giving their past so much room in my head.
It still pops up here & there, it’s bound to from time to time. It’s like a form of PTSD, there are little triggers that I don’t know exist until I come across them. But I keep reminding myself not to be toxic to myself, and that really helps.
It also helps to think of things I’ve done with men in the past sometimes too. If I start going down a negative path, I’ll bring up happy memories from before DH & realize I’m being a hypocrite.
With my SS’s, I focus on all the ways they’re like DH. I’m lucky that they’re lovely little boys so this is easy to do for me. They’re lucky to have him as a dad, and really are good boys despite their mothers crap parenting.
Be kind to yourself, we’re all human. But def work on it for your own sake. It’s freeing to not have his ex on your mind all the time.
They only represent the
They only represent the results of f-ed up parenting to me. It's been a 50/50 arrangement for years (long before I came on the scene), the only thing that smarts is when they talk about what they're having done "at home", and if it's about here they refer to this home as "Dad's".
But I know that in this midst of this nightmare I'm in, the one 'saving grace' if you like about me and OH is that the BM's interference is really only about protecting the snowflakes from anything in the world which could actuall build respect for others or resilience, she doesn't interfere in us, and my OH hates her. It's like she inhabits another planet, nice and distant.
I have/had little reason to
I have/had little reason to feel as you do. My husband never talked about his first marriage as anything but hellish. His ex isn't pretty (anymore?) and he rarely sees her, if at all these days.
But still...on a rare occasion, I'll feel as you do. So that just goes to show you, even in the best ex situations (a BM who's gone and nearly forgotten), that stuff will creep into your brain.
When it does, I do exactly what you do. I start thinking about my exes and that does the trick...usually...except on those days when I start thinking about all the exes that didn't have kids. Then a new emotion comes over me: REGRET!!!!!
Bottom line: This is just noise and you're doing the right thing to talk yourself out of it. Don't let this stuff ruin your day and certainly not your marriage.
Yes, it does. They were
Yes, it does. They were married for years-- years that appeared to be happy on the outside. Their divorce was a shock to their circle, because neither were vocal about how miserable they were in the marriage.
Because of that, and when I came along as the first woman dad dated since his divorce, I felt this immense pressure to be accepted and liked by all, including proving how much "better" I am than BM.
The reality is, I'm not. We're just two women who had a relationship with the same man-- one worked out and one didn't, yet both relationships produced children that we're essentially all on the hook to raise. This may be less common on this site, but we do a lot of parallel parenting with BM, so there's some definite boundaries-- but not all out hatred.
It was hard for me to accept that he loved her and chose to have a child with her in a bad marriage. Some days I want to shake the shit out of him for being so stupid and tying us down forever to her because of their flat out choice to have a child-- both knowing the marriage was tanking.
But, there's nothing I can do about it and like a previous poster said-- it just makes ME feel toxic and angry when I dwell on it. I just focus on the fact that everyone has moved on-- all of the adults are remarried and happy, I have a child now with my husband that I adore, my SK and step siblings she loves.
I never struggled with the
I never struggled with the kids representing it.. But I did struggle a LOT with the past, and sometimes still do. It's hard to shut off.
I never had a BF before DH. Didn't even kiss someone. I saved all that. I DID have two seperate stalkers at various times, they honestly turned me off from dating or met for a LONG time. So it used to be a struggle for me to accept that my DH had EVER been with someone else. It made me feel inexperienced and frankly judged a bit.
After a bit of it beign rather overwhelming I started trying to focus more on the now. And it worked. SLOWLY. But it made it easier to focus on now instead of what had happened before me. Those issues don't seem as crazy now. Because frankly, he loves the girls, but he regrets the Psycho, he knocked up the Psycho in high school, she did it on purpose, even admitted to it, she knew he was going military and wanted the benefits. I know he regrets it, but he can't change it anymore than I can. So I HAD to let go of it for the good of both of us.
I think it actually depends a
I think it actually depends a lot on how the BM is. If she is very in your face, a GUBM, and all “our children” and just generally difficult you will feel this way much more strongly. I think prinaiely because it almost feels like a prison sentence being tied up with her- and you are forced to think about the cause of this sentence often.
I also believe some women know how to work it so that you feel this way, and they do it intentionally. Their kids and past relationship is the end all be all to life and they make it so they are as much involved in your life as the kids are.
I have had an ex who had a kid who parallel parented, the mom was stable and normal and honestly I very rarely even thought about their past. With my DH the kids are used as weapons, they are alienated fully now, every interaction about the kids or court appearance she made it about her.... and I do feel these feelings in the situation I’m in now. It is a horrible feeling to have that is totally toxic to yourself and I have gotten at least a bit better at just not thinking about it as much.
I don't really care about the
I don't really care about the fact that SD comes from DH's past relationship.
DH has only been with BM before me. I've been with... well, a lot more than that before him. And he just so happened to have SD from his first love. Not a problem with me whatsoever.
I mean, sometimes I do wish they didn't procreate because MY life would be a lot easier without SD, but the fact that they did doesn't bug me. Everyone has a past.
I'm sure it helps that BM isn't very involved and she went very downhill after DH/her were together. She's about 100 pounds larger, doesn't take care of herself, and last time I saw her, she had acne bleeding on her face lol. So yeah, no worries there.
ETA - no offense to acne. We all get it. We just don't all pick at it until our face is covered in blood before seeing our ex's wife. lol.
I don’t care about DH’s past.
I don’t care about DH’s past. We were both married, had children, got divorced. But DH still stews over the past—not my exH but a couple of guys I dated before I started dating DH.
He’s irrational about it. I didn’t even know DH when I dated Guy #1. I had met DH when I dated Guy #2 but DH was still married, so I wouldn’t have dated him then.
I never even think about those guys until HE brings them up—maybe twice a year because he’s feeling insecure about something. It is nucking futz and drives me crazy.
Seriously, if you are obsessing over your DH’s past, get help. You could very well be damaging your marriage at worst, or look a little crazed at best.
I couldn’t get over it. The
I couldn’t get over it. The fact that the kids loved their POS mom... well, at least the oldest SD loved and revered her abusive ass mom... I didn’t want to be involved in that situation. I couldn’t play “counter-example” as a mother who actually cares about her child without actually speaking the truth- which is a value I exemplify for my own kid.
The Skids’ mom’s life is a legit train wreck with drug abuse, criminal activity, multiple moves, parental alienation, 6 kids by 5 fathers wasteland of nastiness. I couldn’t get over the fact that my “man” had two kids with the trashbag, AND that 1 of the 2 kids was loyal to her mother.
I’m honest and a realist, and no way could I live in close quarters with these people and not call a spade a spade (The BM). I didn’t say anything to the kids before I left the situation, but you have no idea how much I still want to tell that shit-stirring oldest SD that her mother SUCKS harder than the best As-Seen-On-TV vacuum.
When I was in my 20s I dated
When I was in my 20s I dated a great guy for a couple of years - but I never once considered marrying him because he was divorced and had a child. I really liked him and we had so much fun. But he was just not marriage material since he had that child. Yes that was selfish of me - but I knew what I wanted and didn't want. I also made it explicitly clear how I felt from our first date on.
So I absolutely understand how someone can feel that it's a problem when they have reproduced with another. I was fortunate in that I knew up front that it was a deal breaker.
I would feel the same...
I met my ex-H in college, and we were together 20 years. I met my wonderful DH a year after our divorce; we have been together almost 5 years and married for almost 3 years. He has 4 kids and I have 3. When I got divorced, dating felt like a whole new world since though I'd had many boyfriends and a lot of fun in college (getting nostalgiac here LOL), it was all during 'childhood". Suddenly everyone came with baggage, including me. I knew I was a package deal with my 3 kids. Though they are great kids and I've been told this all their lives by teachers, friends' parents, sitters etc. - I knew that only a man in my situation, a divorced dad, could be expected to take on someone else's kids. I could never have been with a man and taken on his kids without having had my own. As it turned out, I have not taken on his kids - 2 are grown, 1 in college and youngest never comes here. But, I have this thing about fairness and balance.
So yes, I agree with you. I have no jealousy/resentment over DH's past only because we have the same - he was married even longer than I was. He and BM rarely if ever communicate. I do take a bit of enjoyment in the fact I am much more fit, attractive and way more successful in my career than BM is...can't help it - I felt sorry for her the one time we met. Interestingly, my ex-H who is 46 just got engaged to a 27 year old he met only a couple of months ago. She is beautiful and seems nice; no kids. I don't see what's in it for her though; he had a vasectomy so she's basically settling for seconds. I want to tell her to find a younger guy she can build a life with but it's none of my business. I myself would never settle for leftovers. I am not disparaging anyone without kids who chooses to be with someone who has them; I just intuitively knew that I could never be in a relationship where we were not balanced due to the feelings you describe.
A skid does not represent the
A skid does not represent the past relationship between a person and their X. A Skid is incontrovertable fact of a relationship between a person and their X. So what kind of question is this?
A Skid is the product of the past of a person and those experiences and histories are part of what make our SOs who they are. Without those experiences they would not be the people we love. So, why even go down this rat hole?
Deal with reality and forget representations of your partners past. If you can't do that, then end it now and don't put this person that you supposedly love through the drama of your insecurities.
IMHO of course.