Resentment, guilt, sadness etc
I think i’m in reflection mode because it’s a holiday. I don’t have monster step kids. They have accepted me and are mostly pleasant. Im mostly referring to SD 14 and SD 19 (who is at college most of the year), as SS 18 is hardly around. They don’t spend a lot of time alone in their rooms, and seem to need a lot of attention from my husband. They are very different than me- they are constantly talking and needing to be part of whatever is happening. It exhausts and annoys me (which I feel bad about). My husband is the most wonderful person I know. He has totally appropriate boundaries with his kids and expects them to be as independent as possible.
I used to manage a happening bar and restaurant and was never around on nights and weekends, effectively avoiding his kids when they are with us EOW. Seven months ago, I had an amazing baby boy, and while it gives me and the kids something to bond over (they love him), it has been incredibly challenging to suddenly be home all of the time when they are around. They are very close with my husband, and need a lot of attention as I mentioned before. I struggle to feel like I fit in, though they don’t try to exclude me. I have resentment that has built and I wind up disengaging and/or being cold to my husband which causes problems. He is a very present person in all his relationships and notices when I’m far away emotionally. It kills me how much I’ve disappointed him.
I have seen two different therapists and hired a life coach in the 5 years we’ve all lived together. The life coach work has yielded some success and I plan on sticking with it, but today I didn’t try very hard and just wound up feeling alienated and acted distant when they were here.
I’m sad and frustrated today. I am so sick of feeling this way and distressing my husband. I care about his kids and respect them but I simply do not want to live with them. I feel I am failing to change when I know my situation isn’t that bad, and while I try not to beat myself up over it, I’m struggling today.
I love my husband so much and have a child with him now. We want to move but the 3.5 years left until his youngest graduates sometimes feels like ages. We live across the country from our families and it was extra hard today. I’m hating myself for not managing my emotions better while simultaneously just feeling like this isn’t the life I want to live which doesn’t help my frame of mind in any way.
Thanks for letting me vent; these forums help a lot.