Question for those of you who have been divorced/separated I would like your advice/help please
As most of you know my husband is leaving me for anouther women(not what he told his family of course). Well here is the problem and I don't know if i'm jumping the gun on this or my husband is just being an ass. 4 days ago my husband told me he wants to divorce me for sure after thinking about for 2 weeks and plans on moving out this weekend. Well ever since he told me this I have been wanting to talk to him about dividing the furniture up,what are we putting in the separation agreement, i'm on his heath insurance,my car is on his insurance which I already paid him for. There just seems so much we need to decide on and every night I ask him if we can talk about this stuff and he puts it off and goes out with his GF till 1-2 AM and then just comes home to sleep. Now hes moving out tomorrow and we have SS tonight so how the hell are we going to talk about this crap.
I have never been divorced before so I'm not sure how this works do you normally wait to discuss this stuff/separation agreement after or before your husband moves out? I just find it hard to believe my husband will want to spend ANYTIME with me once he has his expensive "love shack" to bring his married GF too. At the very least I would think we would have to discuss what we are doing with the furniture since he is leaving tomorrow.
You don't have to...
Talk to him.
Here's what you do...
Go out and have a "free consultation" with ALL the best, toughest, meanest divorce attys in your area.
ALL of them.
And when he tries to get a lawyer, he'll have to scrape the bottom of the barrel. You'll get what you want and he'll get what he deserves.
You don't need him to "make time" for you, honey... you TAKE what you want. With an attorney.
Nice!
Very devious, Squillion, very devious. I like the way you think. Excellent advice.
And for Sarah, two things:
1) "I don't know if i'm jumping the gun on this or my husband is just being an ass"
I think it's safe to say that from here on out, if you are hesitating between any explanation and "or my husband is just being an ass" -- it's the latter.
2) Get a lawyer. That's who you have to talk to about this stuff. Serve HIM with papers. He's too busy with his new toy to be thinking clearly, so while he's padding the love nest he can't afford, you need to be getting your money in a separate account, talking to a lawyer, starting the process, so that you'll be five miles down the road and in control of the situation by the time it even occurs to him to start thinking about the legal part of this separation/divorce.
It's actually better that you not talk to your H about this, because given his arrogant "I'm the center of the world" attitude, and the way you're hurting, he's likely to take a lot, and you won't have the energy to stand up for yourself.
That's why you should just stop trying to talk to him now, and go see someone who can tell you what your rights are.
And do take Squillion's advice. Get a lawyer right now, but do a consult with everyone you can find, if you have the energy. Then he won't be able to use any of those people.
Good luck. And one more piece of advice: this is no time to be nice or generous to your soon to be ex. Think of yourself only. Repeat that every morning.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I'll agree on these as well
And let me repeat what BB said... THINK OF YOURSELF ONLY!!!!!
For the second time today I'm agreeing with Squill... see every badass lawyer you can so he can't use them. Very good advice. Find yourself a very good lawyer and take everything you can. In a more amicable divorce I would say maybe try to agree, blah blah blah... but being dumped for another woman? Oh FUCK NO!! You take absolutely EVERYTHING!!!!!
When perfectson's dad left me for another woman he got his motorcyle, his truck, his clothes, a few cd's and his tools and THAT'S IT! I kid you not, I was not letting him take one thing to move into her house that I had busted my ass working for and I got my way. Several years later when he came to his senses and got rid of satan then I was happy to hand over the things he wanted that I kept. Sometimes you have to stand up, take a deep breath and be stronger than you ever thought you could.
You can do it and we're right here cheering you on!
I would agree if all lawyers
I would agree if all lawyers cost $100.
So Sarah could get the same quality lawyer for $100 as her ex could for $100.
But in a world where quality legal representation costs money, Sarah's $100 will not get her an attorney capable of competing with a $1200 attorney.
So... she has to do what she has to do.
It's not "shit like this". It's leveling the playing field.
Women are often at a disadvantage in divorce when their husbands are the primary breadwinner. That. Is unfair.
Well the girls certainly know what to do.
By all means get those free consultations but don't hire someone and file for divorce.
You'll be the moving party and deserve no "pity" when it comes to dividing. Remain the wronged woman and exact your revenge after you've done everything to resist a divorce. Or seem to have.
"Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd".
1697 by William Congreve - English
In The Mourning Bride
Often misquoted as Shakespears'
Several possiblities remain. One is that he will be quite generous with all this stuff. After all he's got his new babe diverting him from material things.
Second he may change his mind and realize he's been a fool. Of course taking him back is up to you but almost always marriages that go through this sort of thing and remain intact are stronger for it. Give this serious consideration.
Actually, OC has a good point
Actually, OC has a good point (on the lawyer thing, not the taking him back thing. DITCH HIM!!!!
The advantage to getting a lawyer and filing first could be different, DEPENDING on the state you live in. MN is a no-fault state, so the whole "moving party" thing doesn't have any relevance. So I'm looking at it from my experience and that of my friends. In my state, filing (that is, being the "petitioner") gives you a head start and also means that the decree is drafted by YOUR lawyer, with his lawyer making amendments to it, not the other way around.
Do some google research on divorce laws in your state, and ask friends who have been divorced for their advice about this.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Doing research is key here, and a lawyer!
I divorced 4 years ago. I could not say if the way I did it was the right way, I took a lot of chances. I had to. One of the things I did was go to a shelter for abused women.
I filed first, I wanted no bones about it, I wanted out!
I did my research though before I did... like 2 years worth and talking to my lawyer several times before leaving. Yes, I gave up a home that is how bad I wanted out.
My situation aside though, talk to a lawyer, see what you can do legally. Write down ALL your questions. Take the pad with you and have plenty of space to write in between them! I called lawyers and sometimes the paralegal would talk to me (with the understanding that they were NOT lawyers)
I found out so much by just picking up the phone and making appointments!
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
Put your hurt feelings aside
Put your hurt feelings aside for a few moments. Call a lawyer and get that free consultation. It would do you some good to not think so emotionally. If he leaves let him. Find out what the laws are in your state and make sure you follow them.
Right now - he knows you are hurt and will only continue to do the opposite of what you want because he knows it bothers you.
There is nothing you can say about it or do to change his mind. But i would however take the necessary precautions to at least protect yourself.
I am not so sure about being vindictive and revengeful in this - but at least get with a lawyer and find out what you can do in this case. Protect what you have put in and what you want out of this marriage.
Remember he decided to have an affair, and leave. Not you - don't make excuses for him or feel sorry for him either. It is what it is.... A divorce that he is saying he wants.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
Maintain Radio Silence - he
Maintain Radio Silence - he will try to get under your skin, do not give it an ounce of energy. Ignore it. This will leave him wondering.
Document EVERYTHING - keep a journal, store it in a locked box or at work (away from his grasp). Write down literally everything, i.e. time he spends with the kids, dates and times.
Make copies of all tax returns for the last 7 years, all bank records,VIN #'s on cars, credit card #'s and contacts, etc.
I will think of several other things and post them. I thought these were the most important to get immediately, since he's moving.
Make sure any titles or
Make sure any titles or deeds that are in both of your names or do not come up missing. My BF had titles to their trailer, a boat, camper and vehicle come up 'missing' after he was kicked out. Cost him a lot of money b/c he had to scrap or give stuff away.
Refuse to watch his kid so he can spend time with her. Shouldn't she get to know the kid she is going to be watching now?