In Praise of Stepfathers
I listen to a podcast called "The Minimalists," interesting concepts and lots of great advice yet I get a little annoyed everytime Joshua Millburn talks about Ella his "daughter", who is his 4 yr old SD, actually not even his SD but his *partner* Becks child. Josh and Becks live together 50% of the time, he in LA and she in Montana. she had to stay behind in Montana because that's where Ella's bio father is. Apparently Ella spends one week a month w/Josh and her mother in LA, so technically Joshua is a "parent" for one whole week out of the month.
Josh talks a lot about how he has a 4 year old, his parenting skills, how he's teaching his *daughter* about minimalism and on and on... People call in w/parenting questions and this man who has a child hanging around for 1 week a month is now the expert on minimalist parenting. It's ok for him to announce to the world what a great *father* he is, how he and his partner have a child together, and to have a Twitter account for Ella where he displays all of her funny sayings. Through all of this he gets praise and people want to hear his opinions on parenting.
Can you imagine any SM publicly calling her boyfriends skid *her child* and saying they have a child together and how she's now a parenting expert because she spends one week a month w/skid and the bio parent is likely doing most of the work? LeeAnn Rimes was crucified for posting photos of her and her stepsons on social media. People commented that "she needs to stop acting like she's their mom", "she's overbearing and inserting herself too much", "she shouldn't be posting pics of OTHER PEOPLE's KIDS online" even though her husband was ok with it.
Why are men praised and practically worshipped for merely tolerating the presence of a woman's child/ren while SM's can never do enough yet they are overbeaing if they mother another woman's child but are heartless b*tches if they don't?! Does one week a month of *parenting* your part-time girlfriends child make you a parent, much less a parenting expert?! I'm about to unsubscribe from the podcast because I feel like his definition of "parenting" is ridiculous and feeding an over inflated ego.
Anyone else feel like SF's, especially this one is getting off way too easy?
Funny you mention this.
Funny you mention this. I just saw this post on another site where a SF was bragging about how he was so-o great, his SD wished he could walk her down the aisle vs. her bio-father. This is what was written in response (won't say who wrote it "wink"):
"Very sound advice, but remember that step-fathers often do fare better than step-mothers. This is making a long story, short, but step-fathers go along with bio-mothers, and BMs, either due to giving birth or DNA or the societal culture, or such, are held in high esteem, almost to the level of sainthood, and can virtually do no wrong. Not putting any judgement on that. Just saying that is the way it is. And, most bio-mothers get primary custody of the children as well. So, step-fathers get to ride on that high wave along with bio-mom.
On the other hand, bio-fathers. . . well, that reputation is no where near as good. You hear the term deadbeat dad or absentee father a lot. Bio-fathers don't give birth to the child, even tho. genetically they contribute the same as bio-mom, there seems to be nothing built into the DNA to connect child and father, and societal culture, at least in the US, seems to imply that bio-fathers are not needed anywhere near as much as BMs, so bio-fathers don't get the same boost that bio-mothers seem to get just from being one. When a woman comes along and marries bio-dad and becomes a SM, there is no wave for her ride. Instead, she starts out several ranks down.
So, although there are similarities to step-fathers and step-mothers, there are also notable differences in the position they may both be starting from. This is a generalization, of course, but step-fathers get to join bio-mom on her pedestal, while step-moms for the most part get to join bio-dad down in the dumps. This is why it is not all that uncommon for SKs to want their step-father to walk them down the aisle rather than bio-dad, yet when comes to step-mom at a wedding, Lord only knows what is going to happen to her. She may not even be thought of as dad's wife. Instead she'll be thought of as dad's woman/ intruder, and she may find herself seated in the back of the church, away from her husband, or not allowed in any family pictures, even though she has been married to her husband for years.
You deserve kudos for sure. I know and I'm sure you put a lot of hard work into your relationship with your SKs, but most step-moms have a much higher ladder to climb than step-fathers just by virtue of being a step "mom" rather than a step "dad." Some books recognize this and some don't. Some counselors recognize this and some don't. Yet, this is just one crucial point that I think a lot of so-called professionals miss. I agree with you that I do think they miss a lot of things, simply because step-parenting is a whole different animal, and unless you have experienced it and done a lot of research, you would be amazed at how complicated the dynamics of the blended family really are."
As I was reading your post,
As I was reading your post, my exact thoughts with regards to this guy fancying himself a parenting expert by virtue of spending 1 week per month with someone else's kid, was that I see that with a lot of step parents, both SM and SF. It irks me so bad to listen to people give advice and act superior when they have no actual experience as parents. My brother in law's wife is like that and it's to the point that no one can stand her. She just seems like a child hater. Then my cousin who ran a shoddy at home daycare but wasn't able to get pregnant until a lot later in life, thought she was Dr. Spock......until she got her very own hellion. Its just arrogant on anyone's part to assume they know so much more than people who are actually in the trenches.
It must be easy to be an
It must be easy to be an expert on all things parenting with his "daughter" when he only sees her one week a month. I mean the kid is an angel for 3/4 of the time. He's barely stuck his toe in parenting waters much less gotten in the trenches.
No surprise though.
Afterall, we men are legends in our own minds.
I think that rather than a StepDad/SM delta... this is very related to the CP/NCP thing. Generally StepDads are married to the CP while SMs are married to the NCP. The CP is the hero while the NCP is the villian ... generally speaking. That is the dynamic in society, that is the dynamic in our family legal system, and that is the dynamic financially since the in the world of "the best interests of the kids" the NCP is little more than a cash cow ... regardless of the gender of the NCP.
Of course far more often than not the NCP is the dad and the CP is the mom. So, generally StepDads are on the white hat side of the fense and SM's are generally on the black hat side of the fense.
Of course there are any number of BMs who are just as toxic as there are BioDads who are deadbeats. Winning the parent lottery is a very big advantage for the kids that draw the winning genetic ticket even if their parents are not together. Parents who can be adults, be reasonable and work together have a much higher probability of raising a of character to viable and honorable adulthood than do parents who don't ... regardless of the status of the parent's relationship.
One thing that this guy may be is a observer who connects
I disagree that the NCP is
I disagree that the NCP is seen as the Cash Cow 'regardless of the gender of the NCP.'
Look at stats regarding percentage of BD NCPs paying child support compared to the percentage of BM NCPs. It's ridiculous. Women are rarely expected to pay CS, even when they are the NCP. I've even seen cases where the BD is CP and is still paying CS to the NCP mom in order to equalize the households.
Sorry. Agree some of it is CP/NCP...but just as much if not more is about gender and, especially, finances...and our outdated ideas about breadwinners/gender roles.
SMs are seen as usurpers...pure and simple...because they are 'taking' the resources of Dadddeeeee (nevermind that I've made at least twice what my husband makes all 8 years of our marriage) while SDs are heroes and champions who 'stepped up' when another man wouldn't (nevermind that NCP dad pays exorbitant CS and has to beg to see his own kids).
It's a really screwed up system all around.