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OT- What would you women think of this? Men's opinions welcome as well!!!

Freedom2005's picture

The question is, am I PMSing (overreacting) or do I have a valid point?

This morning, BF was talking about how the house is not 'sanitized'. We have had some bumps in the chore assignments for the kids and lo and behold, NO ONE is cleaning ANYTHING now. We toss out Freedom's lists and say "SCREW THAT" so now Freedom comes home at 2:30 AM to a couch filled with unfolded clothes, clean dishes (that I did) in the drainer AND dirty ones in the sink. A bathroom that I almost don't want to sit on the toilet.

Ok, so I try to look the other way. This is what BF suggested when I was getting upset when things a few months ago were not getting done. That it was ok for dishes to be in the sink over night. Well, for some reason NOW it isn't. Now that he is not making the kids do chores at night. I woke up at 5:30 AM with him this morning, and we started this discussion.

He suggested paying his sister to clean our house. To go through our refrigerator, clean it out of all our old food. To clean what we obviously had NOT cleaned for a while. While I am not against a maid coming in, someone whom you have a professional relationship with, I would have a hard time looking her in the eye knowing that she cleaned my filthy house.

When I brought up the fact that it made me uncomfortable, he came back with, "it would seem to me that a lot of women would love for a guy to say let us hire a maid"

I just see it different. A true maid, professional relationship, sure. His sister has already come into my house and did the dishes since they weren't done once.

So now I spent all day cleaning. Up at 5:30AM too, his kids and mine to school at 8:30 and got back home and started cleaning. I did not get it all done before I had to leave for work at 4:30 PM. I come home for lunch, BF is PLAYING on his computer, says, "man I am tired" This coming from the guy that didn't even make dinner for himself or the kids. He took them to a hamburger joint.

He says he does not expect me to do all the cleaning, but who is gonna do it. He won't make the kids do it, HE won't do it... so who does that leave?


Milomom's picture

Hi Freedom! OK, before I give you a response, I have few questions for you, first (I want to try to be as objective as possible b/c so far, it looks like YOU are going to end up the "maid" forever in this relationship if BF is acting this way now). Sorry, but since I'm fairly new to ST, I don't know your situation. How long have you & BF been dating? How long have you been living together? How many skids & ages? Any biokids? How long have you been the one mainly doing all the cleaning, etc...? Generally speaking, I don't blame you one bit for not wanting his sis to be the cleaning lady - for many reasons. I agree that I'd rather it be a professional relationship with a stranger. It is a very "personal" job cleaning someone's house, and I'd feel a bit odd with the whole sis situation. It's bad enough when some people actually "pre-clean" their house BEFORE the cleaning person comes (because they're too embarrassed for that stranger to see their dirty house), which defeats the whole purpose. But I have a feeling you will definitely feel the pressure to do the same BECAUSE she is related, right? It would be a normal reaction. So it would not only defeat the whole purpose of getting help with the house cleaning, but if something went wrong (i.e. something broke, something went missing, etc...), then talk about uncomfortable when you have to confront his sis, or even worse, fire her? Talk about guilt. So I'd agree with him that if skids aren't pulling weight & doing their chores, you should hire a cleaning lady if you can afford to do so - but hire a stranger. The only bad part (I think) is that I wouldn't want to send a message to skids that it's OK to live in your house like it's a hotel & live like slobs & have the snobby "the maid will clean it" attitude. That will do more damage than good. Hope this helps!! Good luck!!

Freedom2005's picture

Right on target there!

BF and I have been together (on and off) for 3 1/5 years. Living together 7 months. He has 2, 10 year old daughter and 13 year old son. I have 2 daughters, 8 and 10. When I did not work, I did most of the cleaning. When I went to work, his brother was living there and was picking up the slack and handling the kids and doing cleaning. All BF had to do was come home and play on his computer. Well, brother left because he stopped doing anything and was playing on computers all day and night too.

You are so right, I feel like I should clean my house so she can come over to "clean my house"! LOL

Never even thought about things going missing. I would trust his sister much more than his brother. (Not a good thing to have a sib living with you when you move your girlfriend in)

Now he is talking about "deep" cleaning. Like oven cleaning, cleaning out the fridge, scrubbing the tub. Not every day cleaning.

So, thanks for the post, and the advice! Hope this cleared things up for you.

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

Freedom2005's picture

8, 10, 10 and 13

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

Amazed's picture

Before we got married I told DH that I refused to live in our house anymore unless he promised that we would have a maid come in to clean. We pick up after ourselves and keep the fridge clear,trash taken out,do laundry,basic stuff but the maids clean the hardwood,tile, dust,mop, vacuum,clean bathrooms,clean kitchen,treat granite,etc...

I told DH that in order for me to clean our house by myself (which I did for about 3 years) I would have to work part time and I would always be cleaning when I wasn't at work.Think about everything that goes into keeping a house's a full time job
I loath clutter and our house is an extreme example of minimalist extra fluff. Clean, straight lines no fuss. If the kids can't keep it clean, it goes in the trash or I take it until they're able to pick up after themselves.

Funny but Katrinkie said she'd preclean before DH's sister came over...that's exactly what we do before the maids come. We have to go through the house and make sure everything is put away and tidy so they can clean properly.

I'd NEVER NEVER NEVER in a million years want my SIL cleaning my house. EVER! I can't stress that enough. NEVER.

The kids still have their chores even though we have maids. They still have to put their laundry away,make their beds,keep their bathroom tidy and put away their dishes after they're done meals. They have to clean their room at the end of every weekend so it's tidy for the school week also. They aren't allowed to use the excuse of, "oh the maids will do it"
Each family member simply has to do their part. There shouldn't be any wiggle room for slacking off. It's not about being OCD or's about having a clean,orderly home that you can be proud of and thankful to come home to each day.

Cluttered house=cluttered mind.

Dh and the kids MUST do their share bc you are not everyone's housebitch. They have to be made to understand that.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Freedom2005's picture

Thanks BBB! Your words of wisdom always make me smile! I have to agree!!!

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

stepmom008's picture

I'm in exactly the same situation. BF wants me to relax about cleaning, especially dirty dished in the sink which I can't STAND so I've tried but who else is going to do it? I can't handle seeing a dirty ass sinkful of dishes. What's so hard about putting them in the dishwasher as we go? Sorry, but I like to live in a clean house and for BF and SD to have a clean house so if it's going to be clean I have to do it. A little help wouldn't kill anyone - I work just as much as he does, why should I have to come home and work again?

I don't think you are overreacting at all, if anything he's UNDERreacting. Everyone needs to pitch in and do their part - I just don't know how to make that happen.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

belleboudeuse's picture

Agree about not wanting a family member to come clean. Resuggest to your BF, but say that you want to find a reputable STRANGER and professional cleaner. Sorry, but as complicated as step-family/blended family dynamics are, last thing I can imagine is letting a future SIL come in to my house to find things to criticize (and I like my SIL just fine).


You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Freedom2005's picture

Oh Cruella! Such wonderful advice! I did not even think of what the kids would think! I grew up with my mother cleaning AND having a maid. I did not have to do a thing. I had to learn to be prideful of my cleanliness.

I don't want to be the maid though. These people, including BF needs to clean up after themselves!

Thanks, and I do hope you are on an upswing with your illness.

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm