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OT - People Borrowing Money - Attempting to Contain Bitterness

pinkb's picture

Recently a family "friend" borrowed money for a move because she had gone underwater on her property and needed to get her stuff out of the place to paint it and sell it so she wouldn't end up in more debt. We lent her a few hundred bucks.

In general, on the rare occasions when my husband and I "loan" money or I loan money out of accounts that aren't his, I just assume it is a "gift" and never expect to see it again. I don't call it a "gift" up front but then I'm not dependent on getting it back, don't chase down the payback, and, hopefully, soon forget about it.

With the continued increase in use of social media one particular "borrower" has been posting in the last few days all sorts of pictures of a ridiculously extravagant vacation on social media. A girl friend of mine had a similar situation where she loaned money to a friend who is talking about the new car she "finally saved for" (the old one was just fine) but never paid my friend (who is a single Mom with two little girls and an ex- who doesn't pay child support so is clearly not rolling in cash) a single penny back on her "loan".

I know the immediate answer is a) don't loan money if it's going to make you (me) bitter and b) un-follow these people on social media (both of which I am totally willing to do).

Does anyone else this is particularly nervy? Do people not have any pride? It's one thing if you're going to run up personal debt with a natural creditor and/or are paying interest but what gives? In this particular case these were not purchases that were committed to "pre-loan" but were optional financial decisions after the fact.

Rags's picture

We have learned our lesson and now let people suffer the consequences of their decisions rather than throwing good money after bad to rescue these manipulative POS morons. Whether they are family or not.

My wife's cousin hit us up for two loans for a total of ~$2700 to leave her abusive husband then turned around and never left him. The first loan was for $2K. She sent us one check for $100 in compliance with the $100/mo pay back she agreed to then called us and asked us not to cash it. We never saw another check. The last time was for the deposit on an apartment for she and her two kids to move into. Thinking that we had learned our lesson the first time regarding giving her cash when she burned us, we paid the deposit directly to the complex. She backed out of the apartment before signing the lease and got them to refund our deposit to her in cash. The next weekend she was posting Pics of her beach vacation.

Since then we have let her rot in her home as her idiot husbands punching bag. Never again will we waste a penny on her though she and my wife are extremely close. This cousin takes on a rather mythical importance for my wife since she is the closest relationship that my wife has with her deceased bio dad's family. Her biodad was killed in a car accident when my MIL was pregnant with my wife.

Even with that mythical status my wife refuses to give the cousin a penny.

I for one would be a proponent of a campaign of public humiliation and ridicule of anyone who would behave that way with financial help from someone else. If it were me I would have had the cousin in small claims court and would be posting weekly updates on FB of her nonpayment of the loans so that she and everyone else was clear that it would not stop until she pulled her head out of her butt.

But that is just me maybe.

Grrrrrrr!

pinkb's picture

Rags, I freaking adore you!

If I wasn't willing to keep my word (on something more important thank picking up the dry cleaning in between 4:40 and 4:42PM on a specific date/time requested at the last minute without confirming with me in advance or, God forbid, emptying the dishwasher before leaving for work at 6AM) I absolutely endorse public humiliation!

Thumper's picture

We never ever loan money unless a promissory note is signed by both parties. If I had to borrow $$ I would right up one as well.

Is there a chance there is a text or email thread 'pink can I borrow 2k/ I will pay you back at 100 a month"?

IF there is, take her to small claims. She will be ordered to pay you back.

Send her a text asking for her payment.....See what happens and keep those texts.

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notsobad's picture

I've been in this spot.

This was long before social media.
I'd loaned a friend money for rent on two occasions, she'd have been evicted if it weren't for me.
I thought of it as long gone and tried not to let it affect our friendship, she had had a really hard time.

Then she won $2000 at Bingo and not a word about paying me back.
She was bragging to people about her win, telling them she was going to buy herself a new dinning room table and maybe a new outfit or two.
So I asked her if I could borrow money to pay my rent, I asked for the amount she owed me. I said you know I'll pay you back as soon as I can, you know where I live haha, exactly what she'd said to me when I'd lent her the money.
She just looked at me and said well I was going to spend it on myself as I've never really had this much money before but if you really need it, I can do that for you.
I said yes, I really really need it. She paid me but we never spoke much after that.

I don't know if I'd post on social media asking for her to pay it back but I would definitely say something.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Notsobad...you are so awesome! I wish I could think fast on my feet the way you do in so many life situations.

This was exactly the right way to get that loan paid back!

Just awesome!

notsobad's picture

Thank you but the few times I've been on the ball my mouth moves before my brain kicks in.

I didn't even think about it, it just popped out. If I'd thought about it I probably wouldn't have said anything, LOL

SMforever's picture

Wow, you did the right thing by calling her bullshit. I think sometimes these losers who think anyone with a little cash in hand is rich and can just drop the loan payback...are basically lacking in character, so embarasing them into repayment is appropriate.

notsobad's picture

You nailed it SMforever.

I made more money than her and I was better at managing it. She saw me with money when she had none and so she saw no reason to pay me back, it's not like I needed it in her eyes.

I think that's why she asked me if I really needed it. She didn't think I did, which was probably true but that doesn't mean the loan shouldn't be paid back.
Our friendship didn't last much longer, she was resentful that I had money to do go out and do things. All she could afford was Bingo and the one time she won big, I took half!

marblefawn's picture

This is exactly why I am not a kind person. I just said that last week on a similar post. It's true, though. I never lend money.

Here's how I look at it. Most people asking to borrow money have pissed away their own money on "stuff." I deny myself "stuff" because I don't want to have to ask people to lend me money. So I'm not gonna fund someone else getting "stuff" that I never got. Likewise with charity. I'm not giving charity to someone so they can turn around and give it to someone else.

So a friend of my husband is going through her third bout with cancer. She has posted a Go Fund Me page to help with her expenses. Everyone is chipping in. My husband asked about chipping in, but I can't do it. She's housing two adult children and their live-in BFs, a few of their offspring, their pit bulls, all the while one half is addicted to heroin and the other is constantly reproducing. None of the BFs work. So why in the hell should I dump money into her "medical fund" when we all know there are four adults, two babies, and three pit bulls living off her for free?

I hate being so harsh and calculating, but my money is hard earned and too easily spent in other people's hands.

--figureditout--'s picture

I don't loan money. I give to those I know and trust, with the instruction to help someone else when they are able. Our boys' godfather taught us that, and it works pretty well.

MoominMama's picture

I've been bitten by this sort of behaviour by 'friends' before. It's horrible that you did a kind thing and they disrespected you by not repaying you. One of the minor things is when I have loaned books to people and specifically said that I would like them back but they never come back.  I would never again loan anything that I would not like to lose, money or items. I just stopped doing it.