Stepdaughter is graduating. Been married for 3 years and husband has never stood up for me when it comes to his exwife and his stepdaughter. She is 18 and she has her graduation coming up and I am of course not invited. I have been told that it was by invitation and there is none to get. This is the usual situation. So what am I suppose to do?
Enjoy your day off from the boring graduation and his toxic first family.
Take yourself out...love on yourself. Go to a movie...get your nails done...read a book outside...whatever makes you feel taken care of. You don't have to wait on your husband to take care of you.
Most graduations give literally 2 tickets or some very small amount. Also, you don’t even sound like you want to go. Also, graduations are mind numblingly boring. You weren’t invited so there is nothing to do, but not go.
now adult children had a hard time due to the ticket limits. For my daughter my husband was actually out of town with our daughter so she didn't have to make any big decisions on invites with parental figures but she did with grandparents. She is very close with all five sides of grandparents but could only invite two and couldn't invite any of her siblings. She was also Valedictorian which was hard. We made it a Facebook Live evnet when she gave her speech.
With my son he was given three tickets total with no more to be had. So no grandparents, girlfriend, siblings, and not all four of his parental figures. He didn't even want to attend. The whole thing was miserable.
So I assuming not a long time relationship with the graduate.
If limited tickets, her parents, siblings, granparents and possibly aunts/uncles may want tickets and have a closer connection than you. This is her event, let her have it
What is your real concern? That people will not respect your marriage? Suggest to DH you have a small party at your house for his parents, the grad, etc. That he will talk to his ex? At a large event, ignore it.
These events are boring for everyone expect the grad and family. Do you really care about her?
I cannot see how SD graduating and not inviting her disrespects her marriage. She admits she doesn't have a good relationship so why would she even want to be there. To prove a point? Prove a point that something that is NOT about you HAS to be made into drama BECAUSE of you!? That'll make your life easy. Ya, do that. Your DH is going to go to things for his kids, especially something as important as this. Get past it and stop being immature. You don't even want to be there anyway. Let me assure you, far fewer people give two craps about your marriage than you do. Most do not at all.
Just that the SM wants her marriage respected (normal), and thinks that means she has to be at DHs side all the time in public (not normal). I agree, no one else cares.
I have gone to all skid graduations because my DH wanted me there. I would have paid good money to not have to go...to me it was one of the casualties of step-life...having to spend 3-4+ hours watching a bunch of teens schlep across a stage like it's some big "accomplishment" to have graduated from high school. All to see a kid who wasn't even mine do the same thing. No thanks.
I agree with others who have said host a party at your place after or a dinner out to celebrate the grad. That would be enough for me.
You are right about one thing and that is the part about not caring about the marriage. My husband's ex still has not accepted it after three years. Normally I would not care about whether I would be invited or not but this is her way of still trying to use the opportunity to act as a couple. The text messages are starting all over again over anything and nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if she is not going to expect him to pick her up and drop her back off. She is very disrespectful towards me and he allows it. So it's not just the graduation...this is ongoing.
I totally get what you are saying and your username is perfect.
Trust me as hard as it is, be glad you arent there, toxic people use special occassions to mark their territory ( a quote from a ST member that I will never forget) The hurt from not be included is minimal in comparison to the hurt that will happen if you attend .
Bio mum kidnapped the 2 sd 6 yrs ago and sd23 re established contact june last yr claiming they knew mum lied about alot of things and they wanted a relationship. My husband has every month paid an allowance of $1000 to cover basic costs at uni like textbooks etc as university fees are on a govt loan. Bio mum never contributed anything and dumped sd14 on sd23
to care for the past 3 years and she has enjoyed being married to her current husband of 11 years.
She invited bio mum and stepdad, the stepdad who alienated her and bio mum who palmed her off to fend for herself at a young age despite the brainwashing, narcissm and pas. My husband was not invited and to be honest hubby never wants to be in exwifes presence ever.
hubby although hurt about it, has a clear conscience that he helped support his daughter going to university. Tbh i wouldn’t want to be anywhere near crazy bio mum and her husband. Skids aren’t pleasant to be around and try to make bio mum and stepdad relevant to our household reporting daily activities of theirs when we never ask this stuff. They’re just conditioned to doing this...
like others say here its pretty standard 2 tickets unless kid purchases more if available but you or your husband would have to buy them... i have been married to my husband for 4.5 yrs almost, ss20 who lives with us when not at uni and who hubby had sole custody of since divorce likely will invite hubby and not bio mum but that’s because she abandoned him since 6 yrs ago when she kidnapped his sisters and cut off contact
Around here, high school graduations are held in large venues so there is no limit on how many can go, but if it's limited tickets, it makes sense you aren't invited. Or are you talking about graduation party?
This would not be my hill to die on. Graduations are often limited by space at the venue and families get a limited number of tickets. If that's the case, I can see where a stepmother who has only been in the picture a few years would not be at the top of the list. I certainly don't think you should take lack of invitation to an adult child's graduation personally, and making a big deal out of something that perhaps can't be avoided will not reflect well on you. Graduations are boring anyway, and high school graduation is more an expectation than an achievement, so enjoy the fact that you don't need to attend and do something you WANT to do that day.
I raised my SD from kindergarten through HS graduation. I contacted her BM and stepfather and gave them the date/time. I chose to hang out with my own kids rather than sit through a bunch of horsecrap with SD's absentee mother, not to mention that our last name starts with S...
My oldest BS will graduate in 2 years. You bet your bippy that I will be there. Same for my youngest who has another 5 years.
We live in a smaller town. Graduates are given 4 tickets. DH and SD's boyfriend took the other 2.
Yup, this seems to be the usual situation with skid graduations - in that, the bio parent(s) are always invited and the stepparent is always excluded. Many graduations do have limited tickets, so that would make sense, unless there are additional tickets/spots available and you are excluded on purpose-that's a whole different story.
If there is a get together after the graduation, your DH should most definitely make sure you are invited and attend with him if you want to. Because at after graduation parties, they cannot use the limited amount of tickets excuse to exclude you.
If your DH has sat back and said nothing while SD and his ex wife are disrespectful toward you, I would not sit back and take that. Because, going forward there are going to be more SD events, holidays, etc., they will exclude you from and then when gskids come around, you will be shut out of their life, while your DH spends all his free time babysitting gskids. Just a hypothetical scenario , that does happen.
That is what is wrong...my husband allows his exwife to disrespect me...she used to call all the time for rides, especially on holidays and come up with fake emergency situations to have him take off running. When I put my foot down regarding g the last ride request, she stated, "Well maybe I would have allowed you to come along." Those calls and him running to her and talking on the phone with her every time she called just to start talking about their daughter and then would always change into conversations about her, didn't stop until I packed up and left. Right before the graduation , she started texting again. And there were enough tickets. Supposedly her mother's friends are going which they just met last year. So I take that as being excluded on purpose. When my husband asked his daughter why the friends were invited instead, she said because they paid for all of the tickets. He asked if he could pay for one for me and she said no. So it goes a little deeper than just a graduation.
Don't want to force myself on the stepdaughter but it's the ex doing another jab. When we first got married, the stepdaughter and exwife had to come to our home and meet me. Every holiday has been intervened on by emergencies that weren't real and phone calls constantly from the ex. Then I get told that I need to deal with it...after all they are both attention seekers(husband's words). Then he talks about me behind my back(he needs to learn how to hang up the phone before he starts talking).
when she (barely) graduated high school, she got tiix for DH (then SO), her sister, mother, 2 cousins, 2 aunties. Then SO stated definitely that if I was not going then he was not going. Auntie#1 offered her tix. He refused.
The next day Feral got me a ticket saying "please go, I stood in line for a long time to get this...and I really want my dad there"
We went. Sat on hot hard benches 2 hours prior, the ceremony for 2 hours. Sucked, but I was there to support my SO, whom I married. She has gone no contact, as of right after graduation, and then last November she became "homeless" ie kicked out of her place, so she moved in with her mother (who gave her the toxic gene). Every month, there is a fight or issue. She continues to hate me. But has asked to move back in (not going to happen).
The ex wife has disrespected me, and him, has called me names and been abusive towards me. That is why she is no longer allowed inside our home for pickups, and why I dont like to ahve her drop by when we arent home.
Your H needs to step up to the plate and back you up. He is wih you, not BM. He has to choose.
Don’t let her get to you. I know my stepchildren would not invite me to any of these events but I really don’t care. If your husband is a real man he should tell her that she’s putting him in the middle of it and if you’re not invited, then he has to stay home with you. But I would say who cares? You don’t want to be there with the BM anyway.
This whole mentality that DH can't or shouldn't go somewhere wife isn't invited has gotten out of hand. To a party, perhaps not, to his DAUGHTERS GRADUATION!!! YES!! NOT everything is about proving you are right.
Reading your updates, this sounds like a husband problem. Your husband has failed to set appropriate boundaries. He doesn't need to text with his ex, give her rides or otherwise be her beck and call boy. The graduation probably wouldn't bother you at all if your husband treated you as his #1 priority and left his ex in the past where she belonged. You can't control what the ex does, but you can let your DH know that you find his response to his ex hurtful and bad for your marriage.
Update: so the SD called my husband and told him that if he would give her $10,000 for a car, she is sure that she could find a ticket for me for graduation. Tell me that's not low.
LOL I for SURE wouldn't be going even if invited-those things are boring, we are dreading sd's coming up (DH is mostly) I'm not planning on going. I'd message her enjoy the graduation and NO car- I have no interest in seeing you there anyways
Not invited to graduation.
Stepdaughter is graduating. Been married for 3 years and husband has never stood up for me when it comes to his exwife and his stepdaughter. She is 18 and she has her graduation coming up and I am of course not invited. I have been told that it was by invitation and there is none to get. This is the usual situation. So what am I suppose to do?
Enjoy your day off from the
Enjoy your day off from the boring graduation and his toxic first family.
Take yourself out...love on yourself. Go to a movie...get your nails done...read a book outside...whatever makes you feel taken care of. You don't have to wait on your husband to take care of you.
Lovely advice.
Maybe even take it a step further and plan a girl’s trip or have a weekend getaway of your own at a resort
Most graduations give
Most graduations give literally 2 tickets or some very small amount. Also, you don’t even sound like you want to go. Also, graduations are mind numblingly boring. You weren’t invited so there is nothing to do, but not go.
Both of my
now adult children had a hard time due to the ticket limits. For my daughter my husband was actually out of town with our daughter so she didn't have to make any big decisions on invites with parental figures but she did with grandparents. She is very close with all five sides of grandparents but could only invite two and couldn't invite any of her siblings. She was also Valedictorian which was hard. We made it a Facebook Live evnet when she gave her speech.
With my son he was given three tickets total with no more to be had. So no grandparents, girlfriend, siblings, and not all four of his parental figures. He didn't even want to attend. The whole thing was miserable.
You have been married for 3 years
So I assuming not a long time relationship with the graduate.
If limited tickets, her parents, siblings, granparents and possibly aunts/uncles may want tickets and have a closer connection than you. This is her event, let her have it
What is your real concern? That people will not respect your marriage? Suggest to DH you have a small party at your house for his parents, the grad, etc. That he will talk to his ex? At a large event, ignore it.
These events are boring for everyone expect the grad and family. Do you really care about her?
I cannot see how SD
I cannot see how SD graduating and not inviting her disrespects her marriage. She admits she doesn't have a good relationship so why would she even want to be there. To prove a point? Prove a point that something that is NOT about you HAS to be made into drama BECAUSE of you!? That'll make your life easy. Ya, do that. Your DH is going to go to things for his kids, especially something as important as this. Get past it and stop being immature. You don't even want to be there anyway. Let me assure you, far fewer people give two craps about your marriage than you do. Most do not at all.
Did not mean to imply the SD was disrespecting the marriage
Just that the SM wants her marriage respected (normal), and thinks that means she has to be at DHs side all the time in public (not normal). I agree, no one else cares.
I agree.
I agree.
I have gone to all skid graduations because my DH wanted me there. I would have paid good money to not have to go...to me it was one of the casualties of step-life...having to spend 3-4+ hours watching a bunch of teens schlep across a stage like it's some big "accomplishment" to have graduated from high school. All to see a kid who wasn't even mine do the same thing. No thanks.
I agree with others who have said host a party at your place after or a dinner out to celebrate the grad. That would be enough for me.
No n
You are right about one thing and that is the part about not caring about the marriage. My husband's ex still has not accepted it after three years. Normally I would not care about whether I would be invited or not but this is her way of still trying to use the opportunity to act as a couple. The text messages are starting all over again over anything and nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if she is not going to expect him to pick her up and drop her back off. She is very disrespectful towards me and he allows it. So it's not just the graduation...this is ongoing.
Outsider
I totally get what you are saying and your username is perfect.
Trust me as hard as it is, be glad you arent there, toxic people use special occassions to mark their territory ( a quote from a ST member that I will never forget) The hurt from not be included is minimal in comparison to the hurt that will happen if you attend .
My sd 23 graduated in october 2018,
Bio mum kidnapped the 2 sd 6 yrs ago and sd23 re established contact june last yr claiming they knew mum lied about alot of things and they wanted a relationship. My husband has every month paid an allowance of $1000 to cover basic costs at uni like textbooks etc as university fees are on a govt loan. Bio mum never contributed anything and dumped sd14 on sd23
to care for the past 3 years and she has enjoyed being married to her current husband of 11 years.
She invited bio mum and stepdad, the stepdad who alienated her and bio mum who palmed her off to fend for herself at a young age despite the brainwashing, narcissm and pas. My husband was not invited and to be honest hubby never wants to be in exwifes presence ever.
hubby although hurt about it, has a clear conscience that he helped support his daughter going to university. Tbh i wouldn’t want to be anywhere near crazy bio mum and her husband. Skids aren’t pleasant to be around and try to make bio mum and stepdad relevant to our household reporting daily activities of theirs when we never ask this stuff. They’re just conditioned to doing this...
like others say here its pretty standard 2 tickets unless kid purchases more if available but you or your husband would have to buy them... i have been married to my husband for 4.5 yrs almost, ss20 who lives with us when not at uni and who hubby had sole custody of since divorce likely will invite hubby and not bio mum but that’s because she abandoned him since 6 yrs ago when she kidnapped his sisters and cut off contact
Around here, high school
Around here, high school graduations are held in large venues so there is no limit on how many can go, but if it's limited tickets, it makes sense you aren't invited. Or are you talking about graduation party?
This would not be my hill to
This would not be my hill to die on. Graduations are often limited by space at the venue and families get a limited number of tickets. If that's the case, I can see where a stepmother who has only been in the picture a few years would not be at the top of the list. I certainly don't think you should take lack of invitation to an adult child's graduation personally, and making a big deal out of something that perhaps can't be avoided will not reflect well on you. Graduations are boring anyway, and high school graduation is more an expectation than an achievement, so enjoy the fact that you don't need to attend and do something you WANT to do that day.
I raised my SD from
I raised my SD from kindergarten through HS graduation. I contacted her BM and stepfather and gave them the date/time. I chose to hang out with my own kids rather than sit through a bunch of horsecrap with SD's absentee mother, not to mention that our last name starts with S...
My oldest BS will graduate in 2 years. You bet your bippy that I will be there. Same for my youngest who has another 5 years.
We live in a smaller town. Graduates are given 4 tickets. DH and SD's boyfriend took the other 2.
Yup, this seems to be the
Yup, this seems to be the usual situation with skid graduations - in that, the bio parent(s) are always invited and the stepparent is always excluded. Many graduations do have limited tickets, so that would make sense, unless there are additional tickets/spots available and you are excluded on purpose-that's a whole different story.
If there is a get together after the graduation, your DH should most definitely make sure you are invited and attend with him if you want to. Because at after graduation parties, they cannot use the limited amount of tickets excuse to exclude you.
If your DH has sat back and said nothing while SD and his ex wife are disrespectful toward you, I would not sit back and take that. Because, going forward there are going to be more SD events, holidays, etc., they will exclude you from and then when gskids come around, you will be shut out of their life, while your DH spends all his free time babysitting gskids. Just a hypothetical scenario , that does happen.
Good luck
No n
That is what is wrong...my husband allows his exwife to disrespect me...she used to call all the time for rides, especially on holidays and come up with fake emergency situations to have him take off running. When I put my foot down regarding g the last ride request, she stated, "Well maybe I would have allowed you to come along." Those calls and him running to her and talking on the phone with her every time she called just to start talking about their daughter and then would always change into conversations about her, didn't stop until I packed up and left. Right before the graduation , she started texting again. And there were enough tickets. Supposedly her mother's friends are going which they just met last year. So I take that as being excluded on purpose. When my husband asked his daughter why the friends were invited instead, she said because they paid for all of the tickets. He asked if he could pay for one for me and she said no. So it goes a little deeper than just a graduation.
So the 18YO does not want you there
Plenty of SMs here disengage from kids, why are you trying to force yourself on her. It is her event, she earned it. Let it go.
Don't want to force
Don't want to force myself on the stepdaughter but it's the ex doing another jab. When we first got married, the stepdaughter and exwife had to come to our home and meet me. Every holiday has been intervened on by emergencies that weren't real and phone calls constantly from the ex. Then I get told that I need to deal with it...after all they are both attention seekers(husband's words). Then he talks about me behind my back(he needs to learn how to hang up the phone before he starts talking).
Toxic Feral SD now 20 did the same
when she (barely) graduated high school, she got tiix for DH (then SO), her sister, mother, 2 cousins, 2 aunties. Then SO stated definitely that if I was not going then he was not going. Auntie#1 offered her tix. He refused.
The next day Feral got me a ticket saying "please go, I stood in line for a long time to get this...and I really want my dad there"
We went. Sat on hot hard benches 2 hours prior, the ceremony for 2 hours. Sucked, but I was there to support my SO, whom I married. She has gone no contact, as of right after graduation, and then last November she became "homeless" ie kicked out of her place, so she moved in with her mother (who gave her the toxic gene). Every month, there is a fight or issue. She continues to hate me. But has asked to move back in (not going to happen).
The ex wife has disrespected me, and him, has called me names and been abusive towards me. That is why she is no longer allowed inside our home for pickups, and why I dont like to ahve her drop by when we arent home.
Your H needs to step up to the plate and back you up. He is wih you, not BM. He has to choose.
Go to graduation with your DH
Go to graduation with your DH. Screw the toxic kid. She can get pissed off about it... or not.
I would call the school to confirm if tickets are required or if it is open seating. If it is open seating, go with your husband.
If that pisses off Bm and the Skid... so be it.
Be radiant, enjoy being with your DH. Don't let the Skid or BM dictate anything in your life.
Don’t let her get to you. I
Don’t let her get to you. I know my stepchildren would not invite me to any of these events but I really don’t care. If your husband is a real man he should tell her that she’s putting him in the middle of it and if you’re not invited, then he has to stay home with you. But I would say who cares? You don’t want to be there with the BM anyway.
This whole mentality that DH
This whole mentality that DH can't or shouldn't go somewhere wife isn't invited has gotten out of hand. To a party, perhaps not, to his DAUGHTERS GRADUATION!!! YES!! NOT everything is about proving you are right.
Reading your updates, this
Reading your updates, this sounds like a husband problem. Your husband has failed to set appropriate boundaries. He doesn't need to text with his ex, give her rides or otherwise be her beck and call boy. The graduation probably wouldn't bother you at all if your husband treated you as his #1 priority and left his ex in the past where she belonged. You can't control what the ex does, but you can let your DH know that you find his response to his ex hurtful and bad for your marriage.
No n
Update: so the SD called my husband and told him that if he would give her $10,000 for a car, she is sure that she could find a ticket for me for graduation. Tell me that's not low.
LOL I for SURE wouldn't be
LOL I for SURE wouldn't be going even if invited-those things are boring, we are dreading sd's coming up (DH is mostly) I'm not planning on going. I'd message her enjoy the graduation and NO car- I have no interest in seeing you there anyways
Screw the disrespectful lot of them.