New Here
Hello! I am new to the site I have been looking for a place where I could openly discuss issues with my blended family. I have 3 kids and 1 stepson. My oldest son is 11, my middle son is 9 and my youngest daughter is 5. My stepson is 13. My oldest two kids are from my previous marriage and my daughter belongs to my husband and I. I work from home and care for the kids. My stepson lives with us 50% of the time and the other half with his BioMom.
I hope to find some great insight as to what I am expected to do as a stepmom. I am a child from a split home and probably had the best experience possible as all of my parents were very close and we were like one big family rather than two families. I feel blessed to have had this experience and try my hardest to give my kids the same gift!So my ex and I are good friends and I get along with his new wife and he gets along with my husband too!
On the other hand, the relationship with the mother of my stepson is the polar opposite. She hates me and when I say hate I mean HATE! I am the devil in her eyes and in some way she blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. So much so that I believe she has damaged her son to a point beyond repair. This is a major problem in our home. I wish that all 4 of the kids felt like a family. Especially since they all share a sister. When my SS comes here I want him to feel comfortable and like it is his home no different than his mom's house but unfortunately that does not happen.
I hope to get to know you all and find a way to say things and get advice about some things I don't have the courage to talk about in my home. I am so happy to have found a place for parents like all of us!!
We try but end up fighting
We try but end up fighting about it most of the time. He is really laid back and thinks kids should be kids and I have some expectations of the kids. So I think they should have manners, and help with the house, have a set bed time. He thinks that some of this stuff doesn't really matter and they will figure it out when they grow up!
I often ask him, where are they going to learn these things when they grow up that is our job to teach them that is really why kids have parents!
My kids are fairly well behaved, good manners, good in school, but they have their moments they are not perfect and some days I would love to lock myself away from all of them but I know I can't do that. Our daughter who is 5 has become almost unbearable because of how much he has spoiled her and it drives me crazy. As far a his son goes I cannot even ask the child how his day was at school with out him crying, he won't even talk to me. I worry a lot about him and some of his issues but I know he isn't mine and there really isn't anything I can do to help if his parents aren't willing to admit there is a problem. For instance his 13 year old son will pee and poop in his pants at school rather than ask to go to the bathroom, he has been in trouble at school for writing essays about killing his dad, we have caught him looking up how to build bombs on the internet. When he is here he won't spend time with any of us he locks himself in his bedroom only to come out to eat literally. My husband thinks these are all things he will outgrow but my question is when? How will he if no one helps him and in my opinion there is more going on here than just a shy kid. Even with other kids he doesn't talk or interact he has one friend and that is it. Sorry for the long rant I just feel like I am living with a child that has serious issues and no one but me can see it and I know as a parent it is harder to see your own child's faults but these to me are like red flags waving help me!!! When our daughter was a baby she was taking a nap and when I heard her crying I went upstairs to get her she had big welts all over her face and arms, he had gone in and scratched and hit her while she was sleeping. After that I always keep a monitor in her room so I can hear what is going on but these behaviors seem really bad to me and I just don't know what to do anymore!!
His kids needs serious
His kids needs serious counseling. Seriously. The 50/50 thing is probably driving him nuts, too. He doesn't know where to call home. Two sets of rules, standards, BM sounds the type to be filling his head with BS about you and your family, so the poor kids is emotionally overwhelmed with everything. He needs therapy.
As far as 50/50 goes I don't
As far as 50/50 goes I don't think this is the problem. My boys also go to their dad's house what should be 50% of the time but are here more than 50% because I do all of the before and after school care so they go 50% of the evenings basically but their Dad and I have been divorced since they were 6 months and 2 years old so it is all they have ever known and are very well adjusted to Dad's time Mom's time but we have a different relationship which I know makes it easy. When he comes to get the kids we talk for a good 30-45 minutes each time he is here about the kids and life in general so my kids get a picture of mom and dad like each other and love them but they just couldn't be married to one another anymore. Where as my stepson gets an entirely different picture.
I do believe the child needs some serious counseling and I have verbalized this over and over to my husband but he thinks I am overreacting. I have considered going to the pediatrician myself as he is listed on my health insurance benefits but I am not sure legally if the doctor will allow me to be involved since I am not his legal parent. I have considered calling CPS anonymously to report the behaviors and maybe they would force them to get him some help but I am not sure that would work either. I know at my kids public school they would seriously be looking at him for his behavior and probably have a school psychologist talking to him but the private school he goes to doesn't seem to care about much more than collecting their money.
I believe you are correct about the BM filling his head she does for sure. For instance telling him that my daughter isn't really his sister until we take her to the doctor for a test to be sure. A few weeks ago I was picking up some take out at a local restaurant and my SS and his mom were having dinner as soon as she saw me in there she packed up their dinner and left he wasn't even allowed to say hello to me and as she was leaving she spit on my car in front of my SS. This was appalling to me considering this isn't just my car but our family car the car he rides in to school or to sporting events so it must be terribly confusing to a kid to see your mom do things like that how can I ever expect that we will form a real relationship when she does this kind of stuff???
Believe me I know I cannot trust him with my daughter or my other children at all and that is the scariest thing about this. My job is to protect them no matter what and I feel in some ways I have failed them by continuing to be in my marriage. I love my husband and I really don't know what else to do. It's as if they both wear blinders and as long as he is quiet everything is ok!
I guess it is time for me to put my foot down and demand counseling for him or I go?? What else can I do this has been a long hard 6.5 years and as he gets older my fears get stronger.
Thank you and it is a red
Thank you and it is a red flag for many mental issues, which is really scary! I have done a lot of researching in regards to it because I have kids of my own and can see that there is a huge difference in their behavior. My boys are boys loud rambunctious boys full of energy but they can also be sweet and loving! They adore my husband and love to go outside and throw the football with him. I thought for sure once my husband got to see what normal kids behaved like he would see the difference and he doesn't. I have a brother the same exact age as my SS who is the polar opposite of him too! Thank you for the tips I will try printing normal developmental information and giving it to him maybe coming from someone else will help. Part of the problem sometimes I think is I am 33 and my husband is 49, he sometimes treats me like I am a child and he believes somehow that because I have less life experience that I am overreacting or don't know what I am talking about. He also believes I just don't like his son. Although I can say that I may not "like" him or his behavior I do love him and want what's best for him. Thanks for your advice and solidifying the fact that I am not crazy in thinking these are huge red flags!!
Thank you! I will keep
Thank you! I will keep pushing the issue and hopefully I can get through to him soon! I can see how he can be a danger to my other kids and myself if this doesn't get handled soon.