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ColdArmy13's picture

Hello to all. I’ve recently found this forum and found myself relating to most of the posts and wanted add my own situation to get the great feedback I see in the comments here. Forgive me I’m new and am not sure about what all the acronyms stand for yet.

 

My girlfriend and I had been together a year and a half at the point of where I begin. She has 3 girls. 18/13/6. The 18 year old lives out of state near her parents. The 13 year old and 6 year old have different BD so the teenager only stays with us half of the week and with her dad the other half. The 6 year olds BD is an idiot largely and not dependable due to his job which is as a driver and out of state often. Generally speaking he takes her Thursday late or Friday and brings her back Sunday morning or early afternoon. Leaving everything in between to us during the busy week. She receives proper child support from the 13 yea olds dad and he is very accommodating and easy to work with. Can’t say the same for the 6 year olds. His name wasn’t on her birth certificate so he hasn’t yet been paying CS just what he can when he can. He also has 3 kids with his previous girlfriend before mine.

 

Moving on, after a year and a half I decided to get out of the rental game and finally buy my own house. Found a great one on a great mortgage plan. Not long after I moved her and her two girls, dog and cat. The teenager is a girl and a teen so it’s mostly what you’d expect. A lot of annoying things and tendencies but nothing I’d say is ridiculous. Always making half ass plans or weird ones where she’s very vague but that’s between her and her BM anywho. Especially during the summer, late night going in and out of her room often to go to the kitchen and bathroom, opening and closing the doors to those rooms is a bit annoying when you’re trying to sleep.

 

Keeping in mind I knew a lot of the girls habits but you never really really deal with it until you’re inder the same roof. The 6 year old is a whole other story. I feel she is empowered to be very bratty and I’d almost say entitled. Rarely playing by herself and asking for things constantly. That could be normal for a kid that age but I’m not sure. Asking for things to eat or snacks all day. Wants breakfast, lunch, dinner which is fine but then goes on to demand dessert which should be good for the night. Bed time shortly after dessert but no. She hasn’t gotten “her bednight snack”. Keep in mind she’s had snacks in between all day. Typically her mom will give her that. Sometimes she doesn’t and stands firm on bed time but is very inconsistent so naturally she throws a fit if she doesn’t get it. Just last night after playing for 5 hours after she got home and eating and even getting a nice homemade milkshake for dessert, once it was time for her to lay down he’ll broke loose. Crying and yelling about how she “didn’t even get to play”, which is what she says no matter if she had all day playing or going to the park etc. Once last that, it was that she wanted another snack and was told no by her mom then me later on when she asked for help with her tv. Thinking she could get a snack from me even if mom said no because her BD would do that. When they are together during the weekend he lets he basically do what she wants and gets her what she wants, stay up as late as she wants, etc. Basically just a short weekend hang out, which makes having any sort of structure during the week where the actual responsibilities are pretty difficult. Especially the first couple nights back. After that, she cried, yelling that she wanted chips for a good ten minutes until finally giving up and being quiet in her room until at least 1230 she was still up. Eventually going to bed. She is also very messy and doesn’t pick up much after herself. Her dad is the exact same way. My girlfriend tries to get her to clean it and when she pushes hard enough or threatens punishment. But even then it’s half ass cleaning effort. She has a million very small toys so her room is typically a bomb site most o the time. We make her keep it in her room and not let her leave her toys around the living room floor or kitchen, etc. 

 

Her mom works 6 am- 330 mon-Friday and my schedule is a bit all over the place. This basically leaves everything in the morning to me. Driving one or both of them to two different schools, to the sitter, etc. not to mention the mini nightmare of waking them up when they’ve been up late. With her work schedule she is very tired and usually falls asleep around 9 pm or sometimes earlier. Usually putting the 6 year old to bed before that but not always which isn’t fun walking into after work. Asking me for burritos at 10 pm and moms asleep. A lot of times after arguing with her mom about going to bed for an hour or so she’ll eventually give and get tucked in and lights turned off with just her tv on. Problem is, mom falls asleep, 6 year old is still awake. Sometimes opening to door to ask for something random to eat. I tell her no and moms asleep it’s time to sleep. She either pouts and stomps in her room and plays quietly or goes around the bed to wake mom up and be told promptly no and to “give her a hug and kiss and go to bed”. Which pretty much leaves the rest up to me if she doesn’t go to bed. She does not really listen to me as I’m not lol or dad so. Normally wouldn’t be so bad but I have a vested interest in her getting to bed at a decent hour because I’m responsible for getting her up and where she needs to be on time along with getting to my job on time. I guess I wonder if I need to make an issue of the 6 year old agreeing to be tucked in and knowing mom will be asleep right after so she can stay up. I don’t know that I should be in the place to get up and discipline her or force her to go to sleep I don’t even think that’s possible.

 

Not sure of what to do as I try very hard but they aren’t my kids nor am I respected as much as mom or dad obviously. I got her saying please a lot more and not stopping everything to get her things or telling her no a lot. But sometimes she’ll go ask mom after and mom will say yes. My girlfriends typical excuse for all this is that she’s a kid or “she’s 6 babe”. I feel she may be getting too babied and has unreasonable demands a lot of times. I have done a lot, living in my house with me, I’ve bought them both bed frames they sorely needed, things for the dog and cat they needed sorely as well. I wasn’t asked to but did it knowing it would make their lives a little better but feel like there may be too much up to me to do around the house and with the kids. I’m sure I’m leaving stuff out but there it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

tog redux's picture

Well, welcome.

First off, you are blaming the bio dad when your SO is a lousy parent herself. She's expecting you to handle huge chunks of parenting and is inconsistent when she does take over.  You are painting the father as a some sort of deadbeat, when he takes the kid EVERY weekend and doesn't pay CS because your SO hasn't taken the matter to court obviously.

Start by putting the responsibility where it lies - with your SO.   Why are you dealing with the morning routine? What did your SO do before she met you? She can do that again, or she can find a job with hours that allow her to parent her kids, but none of that is your responsibility, so stop doing that.  And then stop blaming the father and hold your SO to decent parenting. The level of messiness in YOUR home is not the father's fault.  Bedtime issues, food issues - all your SO's fault, in your home. 

You've got a lot to sort out here with her - good luck. 

ColdArmy13's picture

I’m not sure to broach that effectively.  I’ve said things to her but never got forceful with any of the issues.

As far as the morning duties, she got a better job to help more with the bills which required those hours.

ColdArmy13's picture

Yeah I did so that is on me. That’s just the extra stress. 

Im mainly concerned with whether I’m expecting too much from her or should she be stepping up a lot more in regards to the 6 year old. Regardless of how tired she is should she be making sure she has her in bed and asleep at a decent time and actually following up and making sure instead of just passing out? This is my first venture into this situations. We’re both 35. Wonder if I’ve been helping too much and am wondering if I should have been so helpful financially. We split the mortgage and I pay utilities, she pays the cable bill. Her friend is the babysitter so she pays her a 5/hr

Gimlet's picture

Mom shouldn't be going to sleep until the  6 year old is in bed, period.  Kid wakes up, mom wakes up until she's back down.   You're mitigating the consequences for her lax parenting when you handle bedtime for her.

tog redux's picture

Yes, of course she should be - she is the child's mother.  Most parents would have a 6-year-old in bed by 8 or so at the latest, not passing out at 12:30. 

ColdArmy13's picture

She does try and typically gets her in bed lights out around then but then falls asleep. It’s hard though because is she supposed to monitor it when she lays in the and doesn’t go to sleep? Taking her tv away by now would be WW3. 

Granted, my mother woke up the same time every morning and still managed to do almost everything around the house and keep up with laundry and get me to sleep before going to bed herself. I was nothing like this little one at 6 though. No late night snacks, no toys allowed all over the floor when I was done playing with them.. so it’s harder being raised one way so being in disagreement with how my SO daughter is going about things. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, she is supposed to monitor whether or not she is falling asleep. You don't just get to shut the door and move on. 

Are you guys both afraid of a 6-year-old? If the TV is a problem, TAKE IT AWAY.  This little girl has a lot of power, it seems. 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

If you mean that the 3-year-old has her own tv, that would be first on my list to go.  Substitute a cd player and some lullabies or relaxation music at bedtime.  That's a good sleep habit to last a lifetime.  My puppy even has lullabies at naptime and it totally helps! *ROFL*  I'm sure she will throw a fit for a minute, but better now than later.  At 3 she will get over it and probably won't even remember she had one in her room a couple of years down the road.  

flmomma08's picture

Well aside from what you agreed to handle, yes she should be handling the rest. She is the parent. At 6 years old, the parent should not be falling asleep until the child is sleeping, in my opinion. If child wakes up, she needs to wake her mother up, not you.

tog redux's picture

That's the tricky part.  It's fair to say to her that you need for there to be more order and structure in terms of her daughter. But some people are loosey goosey about stuff, and she may not care about order and structure and cleanliness like you do. 

Then a discussion of what you both can live with is in order. You might agree to help out with the morning routine if she does a better job making sure they get to bed on time so it's not so hard to get them up. Or you drive them if she gets them up and ready to go.  

ColdArmy13's picture

I mentioned that once. She said that if I get her up early even on my afternoon shift days then she’d be more likely to fall asleep faster. That it would get better once school starts.

so I’m thinking it’s a which came first issue. Chicken or the egg?

tog redux's picture

Why doesn't she get her own a$$ out of bed to help regulate her kid's sleep schedule?

I'm not sure how you have any respect for her, quite honestly. 

flmomma08's picture

If she is getting up early and staying up until midnight eating snacks and watching TV, she will be overtired. That is more than likely the cause of any of the issues you have with her. Kids need sleep.

somethingwicked's picture

Please.Stop giving the 6 year old sugary desserts and big carb filled snacks right before bedtime.

She' s all jazzed up on the sugar and flips out . Then you got a whinning,bratty little tazmanian devil climbing the walls untl the sugar burns off around midnight.

6 year old should be in bed at 8pm ready to sleep. Time to have a talk with your SO about getting the little girl on a schedule .

SO should take care of her children NOT YOU.She is foisting the lion's share of her parental  responsibility on YOU. 

If you were not in the picture how would SO handle her kids and their daily needs? She'd figure it out. 

And that you are dependent upon SO's income to help with the bills is not a great reason for her to bow out of parenting and allowing you to step in.You are not doing such a great job when the 6 year old can manipulate you.Nor should you be the parent.

Maybe you should get  a better paying job with steady hours and 6 year old can go to daycare .She may get some needed daily routine and structure and have kids to play with,burn off the energy of youth.And mom can pick her up after work and carry on with the evening routine.It sounds like there is no routine, no structure no schedule in this "blended" home. 

ColdArmy13's picture

Well I don’t need her income necessarily it just helps considering we all use the house. I could do it myself even if money would be a little tight. I’d also save in a lot of other places if it were just I living there.

my job is full time and I have steady hours and benefits. The hours are just simply mixed nights/days.

tog redux's picture

Dear god, NO. Do not let her stop working. Then you will be paying for everything AND doing all the parenting for her.

Expect her to step up and be a grown woman and a parent to her kids.  She can work AND take care of them. 

flmomma08's picture

I'm sure the snacks are contributing to her being up so late. That and the TV. If I have the TV on, my daughter will never fall asleep. She will stay up watching it. I would have a set time that the TV gets turned off.

Is she eating her dinner? When my daughter doesn't eat, I save her dinner and when she says she is hungry later, she can finish her dinner. On normal nights where she does eat, I will give a snack before bed but NO sugar, nothing that will keep her awake any longer.

This kid is eating burritos at 10pm???

ColdArmy13's picture

No of course not we told her no about eating at 10pm. My SO woke up when I got home. She had passed out because she had a root canal earlier that day so when I got home her daughter was in our room with her watching tv while she was asleep.

Yes she gets dinner pretty much every day. Without missing a beat though within a half hour she asks for “her dessert” or a snack.

 

flmomma08's picture

I mean the eating could be so many things. My daughter goes through periods where it seems like she can't get enough to eat, but I make sure what she is eating is healthy for the most part. We hardly ever have dessert unless its a special occasion like someone's birthday. Is she overweight? Has your gf talked to her doctor about it?

ColdArmy13's picture

No not at all actually. I joked that she would be huge in 10 years. SO said she was the same way with her own eating when She was little and was always real skinny.

somethingwicked's picture

And when you are working at home you are working.Not babysitting or taking on the role of parent that is not yours.

6 year old would benefit from day care. Get her enrolled for after school even if you are available and at home , get her enrolled.  .Mom can pick her up after work.That is structure and routine.You are not good at instilling routine, schedule and structure and SO  is good with whatever just so she can pass the parental torch. 

When you are working at night the 6 year old should be sleeping.

You and SO have kid free weekends as the Biofather takes them,right?

That is when you and SO  can lay about eat whatever ,whenever ,do whatever  and enjoy their adult time without an eye on keeping the kids on a schedule. The structure and routine that should be instituted all week is to benefit the children esp the youngest. Currently it is helter-skelter ,anything goes and 6 year old calls the shots with you jumping higher. Stop that.

ColdArmy13's picture

I don’t work from home. I do try to do some work in the yard or around the house after work to have my bit of peace time. Yeah we typically have Friday and Saturday night but she’s back pretty early Sunday.

somethingwicked's picture

Regardless of where you work or where SO works the 6year old needs a routine.Get her into after school or daycare.Mommy can pick her up there when mommy is through wth her work day and then head home ,get the 6 year old fed EARLY  then a little family time then bed at 8pm. 

You have to tell the mother ,your SO ,that this is not working. You have to realize that you are not helping as well.

And a root canal is a once in a bluemoon event.Why are you defending your SO's lack of parenting by throwing out these excuses.LOL

It is laughable.

 

ITB2012's picture

"Once last that, it was that she wanted another snack and was told no by her mom then me later on when she asked for help with her tv."

All of this is all sorts of wrong. The child keeps going because she knows mom will cave. She has a TV in her room to keep her awake. She's sugared-up and she's sleep-deprived. She's desparately trying to find the boundaries and they aren't there so she tries more and more stuff.

If you want examples of how weird and wild people can get when no one says no to them and they can have anything they want look at some of the celebrities. Congratulations on having your own little Kardashian.

Dizzyjell's picture

Buying your first home and then moving 4 other people into it sounds like a nightmare, plus 3 who arent your kids. I feel for you. That is a hell.

ColdArmy13's picture

Well 1.5 kids. Half the week with a 14 year old and unfortunately the one youngest and there most often is a bit of a hellspawn.

tog redux's picture

If bio dad has her Thursday, Friday and Saturday night every week, he's pretty close to 50/50.  

Harry's picture

You were not asked if she should of had kids.  That on her. Now she should parent them. Not dump that on you.  It’s easier to dump the kids on you then to parent them.   The 6 YO goes to bed at 8 or 8:30 and if not sleeping or not  she must stay in her room.  No out to kitchen or out anywhere.  Either you fix this or deal with it for the rest of your life.

SteppedOut's picture

OP. Your partner is a crap parent that seems to be using you to do a lot of heavy lifting. Also sounds like some gaslighting is going on... making you question yourself. 

Mom needs to step up and you should be stepping waaaay back. 

Rags's picture

Beginning immediately, anything of theirs not put away goes in the garbage. If they don't fish it out before garbage day then buh-bye.

Keep it simple. These are not  young children.   They need clarity.  And so does your SO. 

ColdArmy13's picture

Well Bio Dad has only come and got her 1 day out of each of the last 3 weeks. Challenging to say the least. Annoying today because she’s really bad and bratty and spoiled again as opposed to last Friday before he came and got her, where she was really starting to turn a corner and was mostly behaved / got up for school easily etc. Back to square one.

MissTexas's picture

These are not your kids. You seem very kind hearted, in shelling out funds for these kids, their pets and so forth. I get that. You're nice, but your SO is not so considerate. She is shouldering you with exhausting responsibilities.

Many schools offer before and after school care. It is your SO's responsiblity to check into these. Most even feed the kids breakfast, and a snack after school. Her eating has got to be reigned in. That is part of a schedule and routine. Now she has none and that causes kids to act out, in effect, they are screaming for boundaries and discipline. 

Your SO needs a job that allows her to work around the 6 year old's schedule. This, is in no way YOUR JOB.

I would even recommend all of them move out until the SO steps up as a parent and creates structure, dietary regulations and stability for HER CHILD. This is  not your issue. Take your life back! Imagine how peaceful your home would be if it were just you! In all honesty, this sounds like hell on earth. There are PLENTY of amazing women who would absolutely LOVE to have a man like you, and who would also pull their own weight in the relationship.

I always say no sex is worth this. Often (and I do not pretend to know your situation) sex is the basis of and the only crieteria for being "compatible." Believe me,  man parts will jump back into place like an inflatable New Year's Eve party favor (that you blow out and it curls up when you inhale, the name escapes me), if this persists. I've met men who thought they had ED, when in all actuality, it was externally/enviornmentally induced, due to situations similar to yours.

Be true to YOU...give this relationship some serious thought. This is only a sampling or foreshadowing of things to come. Skip on over to the Adult Step section to see your figurative crystal ball, if you decide to stay! You are definitely giving more than you're geting out of this relationship.