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Neither my long term boyfriend nor the biomom are fit to raise this child.

_HelpMe_'s picture

Hello There,

I am 48. My 3 kids are grown and out of the house. My BF of 8 years is 49, his 3 oldest are grown, his youngest child is 13. As I wrote in a previous post, I left the house to try to find a peaceful solution because the youngest is out of control and the stress of that gets thrown at me by my BF. The home is mine with my BF, he is on and pays the mortgage and I am a deeded owner.

As I have separated from the situation, I am seeing things much clearer. The child is left completely alone most of the time, whether she is with the biomom or my BF. The biomom is an alcoholic with a penchant for drama. My BF is a hunter and spends most of his time, most all of the year, either hunting or preparing to hunt. He feeds his child and occasionally takes the kid to do something like a movie, there is no communication. In general when he has her (they exchange weeks) she is either at a friends house or has a friend over. He goes about his business.

I was at the house a couple weeks ago and listened to her make fun of her dad and he totally dismissed it. She was caught lying about social media use (the child has appeared in suggestive poses, singing songs about drinking and drug use, on public interfaces) and the biomom and my BF rewarded her with a new phone. I have no words for that.

Now, it appears as though she is feigning illness to get out of school and potentially for attention. She has upped her game with the biomom and is now figuring out that hospital ER visits are the best way to do it, so she has multiple visits, (3 now) blood draws and CT scans under her belt. All of which came back negative. This behavior started when she was in Kindergarten, and has increased intensity and frequency as she gets older. Two months into school and she has missed 8 days already. Due to backaches, belly aches, and other issues that disappear whenever a friend is around or it's not a school day.

I feel relief that I am no longer in the middle. I spent the better part of my time with her trying to guide her and give her some structure and it blew up in my face. But now, I ask myself what kind of a future I will ever have within this family system. My BF mom is a large part of this, ahe is territorial, wants the entire family to be ill so she can care for them and is a candidate for Munchausen IMO. She helped to raise the 13 year old.

Im venting, I know. Thanks for reading this. I can't imagine many of you have a situation that is similar, but I guess at this point I am just looking for someone to tell me I'm crazy for staying involved. I feel like I've wasted time, I've lost so much money in down payments on our dream home and moving expenses when it all fell apart because the child physically threatened me, my sense of worth was destroyed when he continually took the side of a child who has never been taught empathy, morals, self sufficiency or decency. I can't even blame her. It's how she was raised.

Any thoughts?

SteppedOut's picture

You are a deeded owner; your money is not lost. It is time to SELL THE HOUSE and get your money out of it. 

 

tog redux's picture

Sounds like the poor kid gets zero attention from either parent unless she's sick.  Negative attention is better than none at all.

I personally could not stay with a man who neglected his child to pursue a hobby.

If you are on the deed, any equity in the house is half yours.

_HelpMe_'s picture

Thanks for the feedback. 
The home I am deeded to was his home for 2 years before we met. I used to help him pay the mortgage (which is only in his name)  when I lived there, but I left because he made constant excuses for his child's bad behavior. Her missing school, her name calling, her ignoring me and anyone she saw as "my" family, her damage to the home we bought together, her absolute indifference to how she treats others. Even to this day he describes the situation by saying "you and her don't get along." It's ridiculous. I gave her birthday parties, paid for family vacations, bought her clothes, gifts, encouraged school with star charts and rewards for work being accomplished, everything I did with my own children.

He can't sell the house because he'll have no place to go, and no down payment for another place. 
The thought was that we would live separate until the 13 year old grew up, but with what I'm seeing, I don't know how I will ever be in anything close to healthy with this child or in this family system.

I'm getting older and tired of the stress, drama and indifference. I wasn't raised this way and I feel like I'm standing in front of a major decision. It's like this for every woman I know that has tried to be a StepMom. 
 

 

Rags's picture

This is similar to the situation my XW and I had with the house we purchased togehter 3mos before she ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy.  

The divorce decree divided all property as possessed. She had moved out so the house was mine.  I sold my business and moved out of state to finish engineering school and leased the home.   A year after I had moved my XW decided she wanted the house.  I pointed out that according to the divorce decree that it was mine but that I would allow her to assume ownership if she got me off of the mortgage.  I never heard from her. She moved into the house with the grampa sugar/baby daddy and I did not hear from her for 3 years. Out of the blue I get a quit claim deed and $10 casheirs  check in a FedEx package. I handed it back to the FedEx guy and it was game on.  She wanted to sell the house which I was fine with. She just didn't want to pay me for it since it was mine in the divorce decree.

She went ballistic.  It was two weeks of back and forth on the house. The divorce decree was clear so she had to either buy me out or I got all of the proceeds upon sale.  Ultimately I offered a compromise that I would take 50% of the profits from sale.   At that point her second lawyer told her to take my offer and grampa sugar/baby daddy cut me a check.  There is a lot more to the story but that is the short version.

Quit being sensitive and force your rights of ownership. XBF can buy  you out or start paying you 50% of the payment as rent.  Why should he get the benefits and you get nothing?

SteppedOut's picture

In a failed relationship, it is not your responsibility to worry about where the other lives. 

Either he buys you out, or you can sell.