You are here

Need advice on how to deal with non-accepting in-laws!

xpv5412's picture

I am new to this site as well as to step-parenting. I am to be married in May 2008 to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son. We have been together for 3 years and for the entire duration of our relationship his parents have been extremely rude to me. It appears that they favor his ex and still continue to develop their relationship with her and her new husband. They treat her like a daughter and my finacee as the outsider!!

First, I really could careless about their relationship if it were not thrown in my face every opportunity possible. I understand that I must hear her name or even have to tolerate her presence in things related to my soon-to-be ss. However, my soon-to-be mother-in-law tells me how beautiful the ex is, how wonderful she is, and how they go places together. All in which, I could careless about. I should not have to hear about such things!

Second, my father-in-law just a few months ago said my name out loud for the first time. I was convinced he didn't even know it. They both do not include me in discussions with their grandson - it is always Daddy does this or Daddy is taking you here or Daddy's house - I feel that their exclusion is going to be picked up on by ss and he will begin excluding me as well.

As for talking to them about it - I have been there done that! I spend two hours trying to "reason" with them and it does no good. They blame me for the split of their son and his "live-in" (they were never married). We did not get together until after they split. They claim their grandson will never have a normal life because his parents aren't together. Obviously, the later statment shows you how crazy these people truly are!!

I know there are a lot of you that have dealt with the above - I am at my wits end and I need as much advice as you guys are willing to give!!

JUST ME IN NJ's picture

I can sympathize with the situation that you are in with your "in-laws". I too have a rude "mother-in-law", but that's not because she likes my fiance's ex better.... she just seems to dislike EVERYONE (even her own son)! I was told by my soon to be mother-in-law that she was not happy for our engagement. She has pulled me into fights she was having with her son & most recently, called me names to her granschildren (my step kids). ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I will not allow that woman to disrespect me in front of the children... & you shouldn't either. What does your fiance have to say about all this? Does he defend you to his parents?

To be honest with you, the only type of relationship you need to have with your "in-laws" is a civil one, even if YOU are the only 1 being civil. I have adopted the same belief about my relationship with my mother-in-law. I do not go to her house for visits, I do not speak with her, unless it has to to with the children. I no longer "help" her with anything. There is no reason you should have to put yourself in the "line of fire" when it comes to your in-laws. The only relationships you need to build & foster are with your fiance & your ss. It is truly a shame that you have to go through this. Please know & TRULY believe that this is not about you. Maybe (hopefully) some day they will realize that they are missing out at being a family with you guys. Do not stress yourself over ignorant people & realize it is THEIR loss as I am sure you are a good person to know. Stay strong & keep smiling!!!!

What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!

xpv5412's picture

I agree - what doesn't kill me, will make me stronger! I have tried to practice "healthy detachment" from them b/c I know I'll have to faced with them for my entire life! My finance does stand up to them for me - he told them that if they can't accept me then they won't accept him either. I appricate his willingness to stand up to them! Their behavior will improve for a short period of time but then ALWAYS go back to the same ol' same ol'.

I do think it is their loss - we are a family and they are missing out on wonderful moments because they choose to develop their relationship with the ex who only uses them to get free babysitting services and information about mine and my finance's relationship.

I appreciate the words of encouragement! I certainly helps to know I am not alone on this journey!!

BuggiesMom's picture

for 2 years and I've blogged incessantly about it on here....I go to his parents house and have her pictures peering down at me from every wall and dresser. I get to listen to his Mom, sister and sister-in-law go on and on about shopping trips with her, her "stopping by" and what she's up to these days. Every conversation they have with him (with me sitting there) is about her and what is going on in her life. Honestly? I quit going over there. I quit putting myself in that situation. I can't win, I can't make them like me or accept me or want me around. I love him, I'm good to him and I'm good to his children. End of story. Be who you are, hold your head high and live your life. If they choose not to be a part of it, then that is their loss! It hurts, I know, but it gets easier to deal with in time....

Best of luck~
BuggiesMom

xpv5412's picture

I am hoping that time will help the situation! I continue to take the high road and hopes that works!!

ittakestwo's picture

because I am not sure which is worse, not being accepted or being so accepted that you feel like you're always trying to stay OUT of their constant drama and arguments!

In my case, DH has 2 sisters, he is the baby. SIL1 is about 10 yrs older, SIL2 about 3 yrs. His dad died when he was 8, MIL is now almost 81 and lives with SIL2. I have to point out that over the course of 2 years there was MUCH discussion on MIL and the fact that she was getting to where she would not able to live on her own. SIL2 and MIL live in the South. Both us and SIL1 live more on the West Coast. SIL2 is down to her last child at home, 17 and a sr in HS. We figured that at this point her and her DH are going to want to start travelling and enjoying their "empty nest" years. We looked into assisted living facilities here, not nursing homes, but apartments where they have staff and facilities for seniors who are able to take care of themselves to some extent, but can't drive anymore etc. SIL2 threw a FIT, literally a SCREAMING fit that we were NOT taking her mother from her. She would move her in with her.

Ok fine, then the phone calls started, momma did this, momma did that blah, blah, blah. The majority of these phone calls are to DH's CELL phone in the MIDDLE of the BUSINESS DAY, many times he had CLIENTS sitting there while SIL2 is informing him that "MIL fell, didn't have a *diaper" on, REFUSES to wear them, now she crapped on herself". Ok, you know, I KNOW it has to be INCREDIBLY frustrating and you probably DO need to vent, but 1) YOU CHOSE this and 2) Can you call DH in the evening? at home? Seriously.

They all FIGHT, all three of them, and MIL "tattles" on SIL2 and it's nonstop DRAMA, arguing, fussing, complaining about each other etc. Then they want to drage ME into it... uh uh... no way, I am NOT getting involved with this... *shaking head*

Hmmm, maybe some days it would be better to have NONE of them like me! LOL

It is what it is...

Imustbcrazy's picture

With DH's Dad... he HATED the ex when DH and her were married, now he raves of her... when DH and I first started dating he talked so much crap about Bm and how much he loathed her. I never would have expected things to turn out this way. I am not sure how they started talking or whatever and frankly I don't care, but he is now "good friends" with her... they email all of the time... he is famous for sending email jokes about 20 times a day. Now he will send them to DH and BM, along with a laundry list of people, just not me... (thank God for that anyway, who needs that many email jokes??) But he puts his DH's email RIGHT after BMs. Not alphabetical, no coincidence... he does it intentionally. SO, I took care of that, now we get NO emails from him, and he just NOW figured out that his address has been blocked last night. I did it months ago.... "I don't know what he is talking about DH, why would we block his email address??" But~ I have to sit back and say WHATEVER... he is a loser anyways, he lives 2 states away and we never have to see him. She can have him, I would much rather have DH's MOM's side of the family anyways, at least they are over their crack smokin, pipe hittin days... FIL and BM can go F*ck themselves as far as I am concerned. I let it bother me for too long, I had to let go. FIL calls DH everyday, at least twice a day... I just walk away, the sound of his voice makes me sick. All he does is complain about what a bitch I am anyways... whatever. Go pound sand CRAZY OLD MAN.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

BuggiesMom's picture

His Dad called our house the other day (we've been together 2 years mind you) and I answered the phone. I said "Hello!" (knowing it was him from the caller id)I got dead silence on the other end..."Hello!" I said again. "Um...." (the "warm" reply) "Hi.....um...um..." And then IT hit me....He couldn't remember my name!!!!!! I laughed and I laughed. Finally, "I responded....Bobbie???" "Yes!" he said! "That's it!" EUREKA and OMG! 2 years later and I'm still "That girl that's with my son....Old What's-Her-Name"

It's one of those..."Laugh to keep from crying deals!".....

Bet your FIL knows your name!

Smile

Imustbcrazy's picture

"Mellissa's a this... Mellissa's a that..." how could he NOT know my name. I wish he just didn't talk about me, or whatever. Then I would not be to blame for why DH never calls him.

FIL complained to me from DAY 1 that DH never called him when he was married to BM, and OF COURSE that was BM's fault... now he complains that DH never calls him and it is MY fault... ever stop to think that you are just an annoying old man and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU, BECAUSE OF YOU!?!?!?!? DUH!!!!

Whatever. If I respected him, I would care, but he was a worthless father and still is. The only thing he taugh DH was how to inhale... thanks for that! Buying his son POT when he was 14... real NICE. Leaving him in the car while he goes into a drug house for hours... yeah I want a relationship with HIM. Please sign me up!

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

Anne 8102's picture

Really. Just avoid them like the plague. It's obvious where their loyalties lie... NOT with their son. It's a shame, but that's their mistake. Live your life and be happy. Enjoy having two less Christmas presents to shop for. Wink

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

xpv5412's picture

Loved the two less Christmas presents to shop for!!! That made me smile! Smile

Thanks

xpv5412's picture

I think some of their "love" towards her is out of the fear of losing their grandson which I can understand. It is the balant rudeness towards me that I just will not tolerate. I just hope to put space there and hope they come around!

Thanks

happy mom's picture

I use to feel that way too, that INlaws still communicated w/exwife and be all nice to her and invite her to dinner/lunch whenever she was there to pick up ss. Now it doesn't bother me anymore, I don't care what they do. I'm not going to stress myself out. If they like her they like her who cares. Don't let it bother you....you are a special person and you don't need the bullshit.

-happy mom

Georgie Girl's picture

Geez. Who needs 'em! It's funny though. I still maintain a close relationship with my ex-mil. She is a great lady and we remain friends and my kids visit her whenevr we can arrange it. However, I don't think that she would ever bring up my name to anyone that my ex is dating out of respect for him.
My new mil, on the otherhand, will bring up my husbands ex at every opportunity. They don't hang out or anything, but she always makes sure to say oh ex this and ex that or ex is this nationality (like that matters). And when she does see her it is like a family reunion.
It used to bug me, but now I don't relly care.

luvdagirl's picture

DO ALL THESE PEOPLE GET A FREAKIN MANUAL- really BMs, in-laws they all forget that this was not our decisions- the fault of the past is with those who lived it, the choices for the future are our DHs-I lost the remote that BB claims came with my DH! His grndmother(who raised him) really didn't like me at all for years, made snide comments that were never noticed by DH, we got into it really bad one day and didn't talk for a year finally I told DH to call her since I knew it was hard on him- and when he asked her to apologize to me I took the phone stopped her and simply said-I do not need your apology or approval you don't have to like me but I will not have you be disrespectful especially with the kids around.
That was 5 years ago and now we do have a really great relationship and i am thankful for DHs sake and the kids. But I don't think it would,ve been the same if DH hadn't stuck up for me during this fight with her even if it did take a while for him to do so.
If you have to deal with them, and DH isn't saying something I would say hell with them- they don't sleep with you and therefor their opinions don't really mean much, keeping that in mind- if it still bothers you then try not to go around them since they clearly have no intention of being civil.

There is no reaon where logic does not exist

laughterandtears's picture

I ain't got nothin good ta say 'bout 'em!!!! *Said with a sneer on my lips and fire in my eyes* Of course if they were responsible for calling CPS on you, what could you say? Seriously, my MIL adn FIL and SIL are all part of the blackhole now. See, they just fell down it one day and I haven't seen them since!! Maybe it shot it them off into the Bermuda Triangle? HE HE

~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~

sixxnguns's picture

I don't think my finacee's parents know my name...they never talk to me either..they pretty much act like I dont exist if i'm over there,they talk to my fiancee and not me... but they hate his ex. my man sticks up for me though, his mother threatened to spank my child the other day and I was ready to raise hell, cause you know her precious grandson(my SS) does "nothing wrong" HAHA...and mine is the spoiled brat..when in reality it's the other way around..my daughter just doesn't put up with his "I get whatever I want" attitude. So I've done the same...just decided that my daughter and I won't be going over there since the rules at home don't pertain to the SS when he's over there. My fiancee is such a pussy sometimes...LOL