I was left off the Family Tree......
Good morning! I had an experience that hurt my feelings as a Stepmom. My stepson is 4 years old and I have been a part of his life since he was 14 months old. Recently, my ss made a Family Tree in preschool that included: his mom, his dad, his stepdad, soon-to-be baby brother (on his mom's side) and his grandparents. I have to admit it hurt my feelings when he told me that he "forgot" to put me on the tree.
Let me start by first saying - I realize that he is only four and that I should have "thicker skin" and not let things like this bother me. With that being said - the real issues lies in the fact that I feel he is conditioned by this mother to not like me. If he does like me or say good things about me she punishes him or manipulates him by telling him that he is hurting mommy's feelings. BM feels that I am responsible for she and by dh's breakup.
Secondly, the bm has force fed her new hubby down her son's throat. Not to mention her new hubby is a policeman so of course ss his obsessed with this man. Never have I or my dh even spoke negatively about bm or her husband. We do everything to encourage a healthy relationship between all parties.
I am just hurt because I want to have a relationship with my ss and I want him to love me and realize that I am part of his family tree. Any suggestions on how to deal with this and the evil BM??
Thanks!!!
maybe accidental?
He might have forgotten if the pre-school teachers were pr
odding each kid along
"now write down your mommy's name"
"now write down your daddy's name", etc.
I could see that happening out of ignorance....
but, yes, it stings me a little too when the kids forget to include me in little things like that from time to time.
sorry.
Well...
Whatever you say to him will hurt his feelings, because he probably worked hard on it and, at this age, definitely did not mean anything by it. He's too young to be able to hurt your feelings on purpose. I'd just say, in a smiling, joking manner, "Hey, buddy, I'm your stepmom. How come I don't get to be on your family tree? I'm your family, too!" See what he says and go from there. If he's says his mom told him you're not family, then your DH needs to take that up with her. If you guys are EOW with him, then it's possible he really did "forget," in that he lives with the mom, stepdad and baby-to-be daily and has a visitation in your home. It seems like most kids are closer to the stepparent they live with than the one they visit. It may take a few more years, though, before he can really understand the intricacies of the various relationships in his family. My daughter is five and she's freaking out because she just finally figured out that Grandma is Daddy's mom and Nana is my mom. It blew her little mind!
♥ Anne 8102, D/B/A Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
My (bio) sons used to only list their dad's family
I think because it was just me for so long that when the teachers told them to write about their "family" they thought of exH, SM and their three Ssibs. I was just mom, you know? I do remember the hurt of every "what we did over the break" essay being about their dad's even if they only spent a weekend there, or "my house is... my family's names are" those were always from their dads.
And I'm their BM and we have 50/50 custody!
So I would suggest, as Georgia did, that you make light of it but do mention it. Or DH might want to do that (that's what I would probably do in my case, since I get along well with my ex, or if was SD she always reacts to those things better through her dad.)
But make sure it's very light so he doesn't feel terrible.
I used to say to my sons, "Hey! Did you forget somebody????" And they would feel very sorry that they had. It worked sometimes, but didn't others. As Georgia said above, if they didn't come from your house that day, then they aren't thinking about your house as home. Just one of those things we have to give them for the situation they're in.
BM actually tore down a Bio poem SD did from a bulletin board during parent teacher conferences. SD told the teacher and she let SD re-do it to send home to us. I was furious, but...it was another glimpse into her craziness for the school to see (which only helped us during the custody case.) The poem listed all three of us as her parents, my sons and "baby R" (I was pregnant with Anna at the time) as her siblings, and our address (which is the one that hadn't changed 3 times in 2 years like BM's did.) BM said, "SHE is not YOUR mom-THEY are NOT your brothers- and since you don't live HERE I will just get rid of all your stuff!" then proceeded to take garbage bags and put all of SD's things in them to throw them away.
She's a treat.
Hopefully, your SS just forgot, or was behind in the project and the teacher was prodding like Georgia said.
Hang in there. This is only the first of many hurts that comes with the job description! You'll get some thicker skin with each one
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Sita hit on something with
Sita hit on something with the "whichever house they come from that morning"
On days when the kids are at our house, their school work reflects things from our house, when they are at bm's it reflects stuff from her house.
It makes me feel great that they think of me as part of their family, but I am sure it make steam come out of bm's ears. So be it.
my BD7
During open house this past year, my BD7 made a picture of her family. She drew herself, her brother and sister, me and my BF. Her dad was no where to be seen. Plus, here's the kicker, she listed mine and my BF ages and she made us ten years older than we really are. So cute. BD7's father does not attend school events or conferences and only sees her 4 nights a month at the most. I totally understand why she left him off of her family. I think she justed noted the people in her house since the people in her picture were all standing in front of a house.
SD every year conveniently
SD every year conveniently forgets to put dad on her "all about me" board. Last years excuse was that she and BM were working on it very late the night before and didn't want to bother us for pictures. She knew well in advance. She has never and will never include me even though I have been around over 5 years. I am bothered by it but moreso for my DH. It's as if doesn't even exsist and we live 2 miles from BM!
I am sorry about your hurt feelings. I understand where you are coming from.
Family Tree
DH's grandma has a family tree that hangs on her wall, my MIL maintains it. There is a birthstone & the persons name & birthdate listed. I am next to BM & she is next to my DH. I guess I should just be thankful I was added.
be careful
if BF ends up w the house, those kids just might end up w it in the long run!
SD did this
Last year, when SD was 14, she had to do a family tree for a class project. She did her mom and stepdad and her two half-sisters there, along with her mom's brother and wife and their two kids. OK, now who can explain to me why she didn't do her mom and stepdad and two half-sisters there and her dad and I and two half-sisters here?
The weird thing is, I found this "family tree" in our garage where my husband had put it. He is left out, so why does he want to keep it?
I'm sorry
I know that it really hurts, especially when you know that you are a major part in is world. Having outside influenced are often hard to deal with. I'm probably not one to give advise, but I have been there.
I think if I was in your shoes, I would only tell hubby my feelings, a preschooler won't understand and if you say something to him about it, he may feel as he is being punished and you definetly wouldn't want to be like BM. If hubby don't understand, you got us !!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!