Mother-in-law and ex-Baby mama “friendly”
Just to catch y'all up here's a quick timeline. Ive been with my DH since 2018 and he already had a daughter back in 2016 and we had our baby in 2019. So I completely understand that his family got to know his baby's mother but they were only together for about 1.5 years before they split up. I came in the picture when his daughter had just turned 2. So up until I gave birth I was "mistakenly" called by his baby mamas name by his family (especially his mom). But besides that I find the relationship his entire family has with the ex very WEIRD And it honestly makes me so angry. They keep in touch with her on EVERYTHING. They all stay commenting on her post about how beautiful she is and how she's missed. (The only reason I know is because she tried friend requesting me). & The only reason I basically want to get up and walk out forever is because the relationship my MIL and the Ex have is disgusting to me. MIL actually sent the ex a picture of my daughter the day she was going home from the hospital which is WEIRD??? RIGHT? MIL goes around DH and gets SD whenever The Ex doesn't feel like being a mom. But when MIL gets tired she tries to dump SD off with us and we have to accommodate. Oh but when DH wants extra time the ex always says NO. It's just gross to me. MIL never ask DH first or even for his opinion. I also know the MIL goes over and visits with The Ex and calls her to "CHAT". This is all according to my SD. To be honest my gut tells me I should just RUN because if I ever left I know MIL will push my DH to go to his EX. But I'm so scared to because then I know I'll have to share custody and my SD is a psycho when it comes to my baby. She tries to hurt her and is Insanely jealous (it's scary). Help
First off, there isn't much
First off, there isn't much you can do about your MIL's relationship with the bm o try not to obsess about it. Remember that at least the time she spends with bm she isn't spending with you
Why would you throw away a marriage just because two people you don't like happen to be friends? Birds of a feather ... Tell yourself that they deserve each other.
"when MIL gets tired she tries to dump SD off with us and we have to accommodate"
I totally disagree with that. You don't have to accommodate. "Sorry but we already had plans. Just take her back to her mother." If she can't take her back to her mother's, well tuff for her, she's ust going to have to deal with the situation that she herself caused. Maybe get your dh to remind her that when you volunteer to babysit, you don't get to be tired. Let that be a lesson for her - she can't cope with her granddaughter so she should stop taking her.
Why are you so worried about your dh going back to his ex? Don't you trust him? Why would he do what mommy tells him to do?
As for your SD hurting your baby, don't let her near her. Ever. What kind of things does she do and how old is she?
How much of what you told us above have you told your dh? How does he feel about all this?
I should've said Boyfriend
I should've said Boyfriend not DH sorry, I just didn't know the acronym for boyfriend. But It's sad to say but I don't trust him, I've caught him multiple times trying to take other girls out. And "MIL" has literally told him to leave me for the ex "for the daughter sake". And SD is 5 and when she thought I wasn't listening she once told my little cousin "hey let's throw my baby sister in the fire" and when my baby was smaller, SD would call me and say hey look at this and say "this is my baby sister" and start stabbing or punching a teddy bear. Recently (my baby is 19 months) and when my DH isn't around my SD pushes, pinches, and trips my baby. And when I catch her doing it she claims that she wasnt paying attention to what she was doing OR she'll come up with a complete lie on why it happened. So now I just stay on my baby when SD is around. I don't even bother telling DH because he doesn't ever do anything or let alone believe me. I gave up when one day I had to take SD to school and she threw a fit and was SCREAMING KICKING AND THROWING HER BODY IN THE BACK OF MY CAR IN FRONT OF DROP OFF. Only because I was trying to put breakfast chicken nuggets in her lunch box for later. All in front of my baby, who was terrified. And when I told DH he immediately asked what I did to her and claimed she would never do that. Basically just brushing EVERYTHING OFF. So I'm not sure what to do with anything now
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
You have problems than just
You have problems than just MIL and BM being besties.
I'd have packed and left by now. Is your bf on the birth certificate? If he is, I'd check with a lawyer to see what his rights are. If not, then pack your bags and RUN!
Can you film the brat when she does a number so that you can show him later? If he won't believe she'd pull such crap, then it's time he took over the school runs. After all, she is HIS child and therefore HIS responsibility.
My in laws are besties with
My in laws are besties with my DH's ex BM. DH and I have been together 21 years. I have ZERO relationship with the inlaws. I don't exist to them and they don't exist to me. At first, it was extremely hurtful. I felt left out. Eventually, I realized that I didn't want those toxic people anywhere near me, my family or my life. The inlaws invite the ex to EVERYTHING. Every wedding, baby shower, housewarming. DH and I get invited to NOTHING. DH has a relationship with his family but it is outside of our home. They are not welcome on my side of the state line. Your last sentence however, that the SD is dangerous towards your baby, that would concern me more than the stupid in laws being BM huggers.
Same here
I also have zero relationship with inlaws. They are emeshed with BM, and always have been. BM and my DH were never married and I think the inlaws have always felt sorry for her, to the point of excluding us. DH and I have been married 25 years. Sometimes I'm still hurt by it, but our lives are peaceful this way without their drama and manipulation. They made their choice. DH talks to them and sees them a couple times a year. I'm just not involved. I tried for 15 years and then just stopped.
Don't give MIL pictures
Don't give MIL pictures anymore. She had no right to send BM pictures of your baby. I would be angry also.
Its so funny to me because
Its so funny to me because the only reason I found out she sent Ex pictures was because SD showed me the pictures she had on The EX's tablet. Lol it was pictures sent directly from MIL.
It’s crazy lol
It's so funny to me because the only reason I found out she sent Ex pictures was because SD showed me the pictures she had on The EX's tablet. Lol it was pictures sent directly from MIL.
You can't change other people
You can't change other people so you are going to have to accept that MIL is close to SD's BM and let the anger go. Just set out really clear boundaries with MIL and thank your stars she is not trying to spend time with you.
Dumping SD on you when MIL doesn't want her anymore is a different issues. You've already had some good suggestions about how to deal with this so I won't repeat them.
Finally, SD trying to hurt your child is a hill to die on. Do not let her anywhere near your baby and make your DH step up to father her.
Id recomend you put on those running shoes
And get the heck out of dodge.
Firstly consult with lawyer to see what your rights are.
Document all the SD's threatening interactions, get a nanny cam and record her. This will help you in getting full custody. Many mothers stay in abusive situations because they dont want to share custody, so I get it if you choose to stay...
Are you working outside the home? Get a job so you can leave if things escalate.
He is a cheater. Skid is abusive to your baby, daddy cakes is ignoring and gaslighting you, so it will get worse not better with time.
Im sorry you are your baby are going through this.
Oh, and MIL is the least of your problems...
I know exactly how you feel
I know exactly how you feel and I don't think people would unless they have experienced it.
I see people commenting like just let us go etc but reality is, is it's hard, this is my husbands mother they have a relationship it's litterally in your face 24/7 every family event occasion etc you are the outsider made to feel not important even after my own wedding they just couldn't wait to leave the next day to go have a meal with baby mum and step son. It's strange, there's no interest in his new family, all over social media, I've gotten rid of all of them, then I'm the problem when I just don't want to see it any more. BM will stay at MIL house for a week with the step son have family meals out with my husbands family and we're the ones not invited, when we ask why we just get told it's because the BM is there, anyone who says just forget about it and it's not a big deal, try feeling being left out of your family for no reason what so ever.
parcially I think my husband should have set boundaries but the bm will knock him down every time also mil will just go with it because she wants everything her way.
also we have ss equally have an amazing bond with him, no problems in that area at all.
This OP is from 2021 but i
This OP is from 2021 but i agree that how much impact the MIL has depends on the family. In some cultures (and even within cultures there is variation), the mother has a tremendous amount of power in the family. My SO and his siblings are all in their 50s, and they dance to mom's tune, no matter how crazy her requests are.
Also, though, this OP's boyfriend is a slimeball.