Marriage damaged by countless fights about my Step sons
In the beginning my marriage was wonderful. We were so in love and devoted to each other. It was amazing. I'm not exaggerating that people used to tell us we really had the magic and envied us.
It was agreed that I would be the disciplinarian when the SS man babies were ages 8 and 9 when we first got together ( I know , it was a huge mistake ). But when the Step sons reached their teen years , it was agreed that my wife would be the disciplinarian.
That's where the trouble in our marriage started. We'd fight all the time when she seemed to let the boys get away with such deplorable behavior. The truth is she just didn't like confrontation. So when I saw that she was letting the boys say and do whatever they pleased with no consequences for their actions we would fight about it. The boys did terrible all the way through middle school and high school.They couldn't have cared less what we thought. Six years in high school each with mostly 50 percent from the teachers just to revolve them out the door.Every report card was a disgrace.
I could go on about what spoiled rotten little shits they were but I wanted to focus this entry on the state of my marriage. My marriage was at one time wonderful and strong. But now after years of tension in the house because of these ungrateful little fucks , who are now man babies at 23 and 21 , i feel my marriage is weak and fragile. I find myself biting my tongue when I want to comment on something the baby men have said or done. The baby men aren't rude and arrogant all the time but sometimes they say or do something that really smacks of how ungrateful and disrespectful they are. Ive been their step dad for fourteen years. Now they are 23 and 21 years old and I feel I'm done with them. I cant tolerate them anymore. I have spoke to my wife over the last year or so about when the baby men will move out but now I want to engage her in a real conversation about setting up a time table for the baby men to exit into the real world.
My wife is the real problem. She will come home at nine oclock after working all day and cook for the baby men if they say "wheres dinner ?". She has hired a guy to cut the grass instead of bothering the "royal men " with the chore. She has a lady clean our house and the baby men rooms as well as their laundry. In short , the babys never contribute a thing. They plop their dirty dishes beside the sink for someone else to clean. Their rooms look like a complete pig sty until the cleaning lady comes. They behave smug and nonchalant .
They really make me sick. I don't think I can tolerate them in the house much longer. The real bothersome thing is that they don't show any signs of moving out. None.
When I mention to my wife that the baby men are spoiled and ungrateful she just dismisses it because Ive begun to sound like a broken record.
I try to be polite to them and engage them in small talk but they are mostly one word answers to my questions.
A long time ago a councillor told me its okay that I don't love the boys. But since I've done more searching on line I can say honestly that I actually hate the boys. I'm sick to death of them and I want them to move out.
I know it sounds like my wife keeps my balls in a jar by the door , in cash I want them on my way out , but I really have come a long way with this blended family and I dont want to lose my marriage on the home stretch so to speak. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Signed - "swimming in gratitude "
Thanks for your advice . But
Thanks for your advice . But my marriage is too fragile after all the friction the man babies have created between my wife and I. The reality is if I started making demands like the ones your mentioning , she would just tell me its over.
I want to find a way to communicate to her just how much damage the boys have caused our marriage and much I want them out of our midst so we can concentrate on rebuilding our happiness as a married couple.
1. Go get your nuts 2. No
1. Go get your nuts
2. No matter how old the skids are they will never go away
3. Your DW is the issue not the skids
4. Go get your nuts
5. No matter how old the skids are they will never go away- they may move out but it sounds like because they haven't been raised properly they will be in constant hand out phase.
6. Hold your nuts and ask yourself if you can handle them moving out and her still giving in to their whims after they are gone
7. If there is any marriage saving to be had they must get out, you must draw a line in the sand and set up a time line that they have to be gone.
8. Go get your nuts- don't they feel so good???
LOL- you're in a pickle but you're the only one who can demand a change. Your DW is the issue no matter how you slice it.
Keep in mind that getting your nuts back sounds easy but now she has had them so long you might not be able to find them by the door anymore.
Is he a squirrel?
Is he a squirrel?
Why are you expecting your
Why are you expecting your wife to compromise all of this sudden? It sounds like she hasn't done anything you've asked in the last ten years so what is so different now that is going to change things?
Tell her this:
I have been unhappy for years on the back burner of your life, I have stepped aside and allowed you and your children to run my life. I can no longer live like this anymore. I would love the chance to save our marriage and was wondering if you and I could come up with a timeline/agreement on moving your adult children out of our home? I really think them moving out is the key to saving our marriage.
Have you asked yourself how great your marriage will be once they are gone and they still need their mommy and her money?
Actually your suggestion is
Actually your suggestion is exactly what I'm going to do. I just took a walk and decided exactly that. Set a firm timeline for the man baby who turns 23 next year. I'll be reasonable and say he has until next spring , at the time of his 23rd birthday he has to move out and spread his ungrateful wings and fly on his own. When the 21 year old turns 23 , same thing. Spread those disrespectful wings and fly out on his own.
Thanks "stepped in what"!
you said it: your wife is
you said it: your wife is the problem. whenever skids give the spouse of their parent problems, its the fault of the birth parent.
things get more complicated when the children are of the different sex than the parent. moms are unhealthily bonded to their sons, and fathers get waaaaay to close with their daughters. i had one sd say she wanted to fight me for the attentions of her own father, my husband! its sick when you really think about it. its called oedipal complex for boys and electra for girls. in normal families, this goes away when a child is out of his teens and dating in his own age group. we all know how unhealthy "mommas boys" and "daddys girls" are.
a man in his twenties is man enough to mow the lawn. are they disabled? sounds like they are still on the tit.
losing your marriage may be the final option. for me it has been twenty years and the skids are in their twenties and married. their father still fawns over them like they are eight years old, and one skid calls her father every single day.
I Know!!! I sympathize,
I Know!!! I sympathize, seriously I do. You poor man!
Firstly this is not a question of whether you have possession of your balls, you love your wife and just want that happiness that exists when the kids are not around. I had the same feelings with my husband and while his children were younger than you wife's this is my story and hopefully it helps.
The first year we lived together I took the back burner and the kids were disrespectful and failed in school ect... SO! The second year we set up a rule structure mainly based around their behavior and their school work. It was a rough year, I am not gonna lie, my husband and I had some real bad fights and it was tough. At the end of this the children decided to live with their Mother as they didn't like the rules and wanted their "fun dad" back, and of course blamed me for everything and told lies about how evil and strict I was. My husband now sees them weekly and they are not allowed at my house until they show me some respect and apologize for their actions. Basically I set up my house the way it needed to be. I got my husband on board by explaining that I wanted the kids to be successful and this was for them. Ultimately my husband wanted his kids to be good kids and for people to like them and I am sure your wife feels the same way! Remember to explain it to her calmly and make sure u point out this is in the rotten children's best interest, which it is as they need to grow up and start being respectful productive members of society.
So Set up a chore chart, charge them rent, make them clean up after themselves, fire the maid (sorry you do not need her). I understand they are in their 20's but explain to them that this is the way it is if they want to continue living with you. AND the most important thing is follow thru and stand your ground. Let them yell and be mad and do whatever they are still responsible for their own messes and room and for god's sake laundry! I would also make them do maintenance around the yard. If they resist then it may come to changing the locks until they help out!
I know I make it sound easy and it is not but I promise it will have benefits. You and your wife just have to stick to your guns.
Thanks for your input. All I
Thanks for your input. All I really want is the closeness my wife and I had many years ago. The kids have grown and they will never change.
I'm going to try to get my wife to be reasonable about a timeline for these babays to move out. Explaining to her thats its for their own good as well as ours. I hope she wants the tenderness and unity we once felt towards each other back in our marriage. Thats all I really want.
Im not going to try to un spoil the babys now. Just set up a deadline for the gravy train and free ride to end so my wife and i can concentrate on our marriage.
Thanks again
Tenderness and unity are
Tenderness and unity are wonderful but you have to prepare yourself that those things are not her holy grail as they are yours. She has shown you for years that they are not.
It sounds like the most powerful role in her life is "motherhood." If the boys no longer need her, then who is she? This can be an extremely steep hill for anyone else to climb. May be impossible. She likes it up there. She's already given up the marriage relationship for it.
Personally I would not recommend waiting another 2 years to launch the younger one. They are adults. You don't have to make everything even stevens anymore. I think I would envision both mbabies moving out together. They can be roommates and launch together.
The way your wife has been going the last many years, though, I wouldn't be surprised to see her spending a tremendous amount of time over at their bachelor pad. She'll come "home" to them after work and make them dinner there. She'll either send a cleaning woman or do it herself. She'll spend Saturdays there cooking lunches and breakfasts for the week ahead they can take out of the freezer.
You will simply be home in physical aloneness as well as the emotional aloneness you've been in for years. Maybe that's what you need for you to really see the actual state of your marriage.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Your wife does not want to change and she does not value the tenderness you are desperately trying to recapture. She likes the Mom Crown and it fills all her emotional needs.
in my case the bm took off
in my case the bm took off with a lover while the skids were still in nappies. (she caused a man to divorce his wife, but that is a tale for another time.)
dh was denied most visitation because the bm moved to another state to marry her lover. in all that time, dh built up this huge pedestal to place the skids on. they are in their mid twenties and he still have them on that pedestal. whenever he did get brief visitation, two weeks or so, he was the ultimate Disney dad who was manipulated with tantrums and tears. his testicles went missing.
i had hope that things would improved when the skid grew up and left but it is still the same. in fact they are more enmeshed than ever as one skid calls her father every day "just to talk."
Wow ChiefGrownup I'd say you
Wow ChiefGrownup I'd say you totally nailed it! I think this marriage is doomed she doen't value being a good wife she just wants to be mommy.
I feel for your situation and
I feel for your situation and wish you luck. Your wife is lucky to have such a devoted hubby. You need to get her and you into counciling so she can hear it from a professional about how unhealthy her relationship is with the two turds.
Also you need to find your nuts big time because once the turds get their marching orders they're going to be vile to live with. I'd give them a contract to pay rent or get them served with eviction notices.
Good luck. If she hasn't
Good luck. If she hasn't seen the light yet I doubt that she will but you never know. My wife knew with SS20 that he had to move out. She was always on board with having him grow up and move out. He has been back 3 times but this time he has been out for 6 months. He wasn't disrespectful at all, just lazy with no ambition and the teen years were too tough on me that I disengaged years ago and it has helped me a lot.
If you're over 18, live at
If you're over 18, live at home and you act however you want, get waited on hand and foot, do nothing to contribute to the family then you have what I call PAYRENTS. A PAYRENT is usually a bio parent that has allowed their emotional attachment issues to dictate how they raise their child and in the end the adult child is helpless piece of shit.
A PARENT will set up rules for their adult child that makes them want to leave their home as soon as possible unless the child is doing something productive like going to college and working part time within a reasonable time frame of life. I say this because I know some people that becomes "students of life" and stay in college until they are 30 and expect their parents to keep paying for them.
It sounds to me like EVIL3 has a good plan for you. You might never know what standing up to your wife could do. There is something about a man standing up to you after a few years of pushing him around that might spark some of the old memories she had from when you got together. Woman typically don't like pushovers so I would go in with a plan if it doesn't work out, a deadline and lay it all out for her.
The thing to remember is that you are past asking her to get them to move, you need to TELL her how it is, it is YOU or them.
You only live once, is this how you want to pass your only life? I ask myself this question when trying to determine what I will and won't put up with.
Good luck!!!!!!!!!