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Just a thought about mums and daughters.....

lorlors's picture

Isn’t it interesting that there is a societal expectation that stepmothers will love and do stepchildrens’ bidding. 

I was just thinking about all the people I know who have issues with their own biological mother, you know, the usual mother/daughter issues and more.

It is totally topsy turvey to expect stepmothers to love/like/get along with stepdaughters particularly when you think about mother and daughter issues generally.

Just my 10 cents for a Thursday which made me feel much less guilty about thinking my stepdaughter is a massive pain in the a$$!

tog redux's picture

I get along great with my mother and did with my father, too.  For me, the issue is that my stepkid has a toxic mother, so there is no way for me to have a good relationship with him. I don't feel guilty about it all.  If he were a normal kid with a normal mother, we'd all get along fine.

lorlors's picture

The BM if toxic (as she is in our situation) makes the whole dynamic that much harder to establish strong relationships with the skids.

sunshinex's picture

I've often thought about this. There's an interesting dynamic between mothers and daughters, particularly as daughters get older and reach their teen years. I'll never forget when my mom, who I always had an ok relationship with, divorced my father and started dating. She would tell me to cover myself up when her boyfriends came over. She seemed almost jealous and annoyed. Of course, at this point, I was a teenager and simply wearing tanktops and shorts in the summer. Nothing a grown man should be looking at, anyways, but it was the first time I saw my mother as something other than "mom" and suddenly, she was yet another woman that wanted to compete with me. 

Many mothers/daughters fail to have a fully functioning relationship simply because of all the hormonal ups and downs that come along with being women, lol. I don't know why on earth people are surprised when two females, who aren't related to each other, are forced to live together and don't get along. It really should be no surprise. I barely get along with my female friends when I let them stay with me for longer than a week lol.

lorlors's picture

It is just so true!!

notasm3's picture

When I was only 17 I realized that my friends who were screwed up had mothers who were screwed up.  I am now 72 so that was a long time ago - but it is still true. 

GirlfriendMom's picture

My SM is an amazing mother to me. My BM on the other hand.... 

BM abandoned me twice, she has always had a "friend" relationship with me, and she can be unintentually the most selfish person ever. It sucks. Its hurtful. She has made a lot of mistakes and hurt me tremendously.

Then I have my SM who has always felt like my rock, my sense of stability. She continues to be the coolest person ever and I'm so happy everytime I see her. I love her to death. She has been open with me now that I'm a SM about her struggles taking over that mom role for me and I appreciate her all the more for it. She admits that though she absolutely views me as her daughter, and always referred to me as hers, it's not the same as the bond that she has with her BD (my half sister); and I totally get it. Though I am absolutely bonded with her as well, she more of a mom to me than my real mom is, I know it's not the same type bond I would have with my BM if my BM had actually been.. a mom. 

It's a tough pill to swallow but its the facts.

We need to stop expecting SMs to have the same bond that BMs do with their kids, especially when an SM comes in at a later age in their SDs life. It's just not realistic. Some BMs don't even make good relationships with their BDs... clearly.

sunshinex's picture

That's a good point. My SD and I have an okay relationship and I've raised her since she was 2 with minimal interaction from her mom, but we'll never have the same relationship she would have with BM if BM would act like a mother. It's just not the same. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Ha, my mom left when I was 5. Social Services tracked her down and tried to establish the relationship once again when I was around 10, but she left again. She now knows how to get ahold of me through the powers of FB, but nothing. Some mothers don't even feel the bio instinct towards their kids, it is a reach that we should feel it for kids that aren't even ours.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I have a good relationship with my mother, even still now with my first MIL (my son's grandmother). I think this is due to the fact that they aren't crazy dysfunctional women with mental issues and personality problems...

My own ex-SD? Oh lawd, she would be the poster child of step-daughter dysfunction!! She is such an incorrigible delinquent that the very thought of her disgusts me!  ExSD has a bad relationship with her own mother - who has her own set of problems... Grandmother is the same as SD. Vile! I guess it is genetically coded and environmentally nurtured to run in the family that these people have toxic relationships with blood family members. Stepmothers do not stand a chance... 

Unreasonable's picture

My BD and I are close - but not in a crazy BFF way. She and I have a great relationship, in many ways. 
My mistake was in thinking that SD31 and SD28 would have any real relationship with me. I'm just the gateway to their dad. Tough learning, but their relationship with their BM is waaay strong and waaaay crazy-making.
So I guess I'm glad to be on the outside of that!