You are here

Just don’t know if I’m right or wrong

MayCorine85's picture

I just truly feel like my feelings are not considered at all when it comes to my DH and SD situation. I have told my husband on several occasions that dealing with SD gives me anxiety because their is no structure and just anything goes when she comes. SD is 13 with mental issues and defiance issues. Most of the time she has to be made to do any work and gets an attitude when you correct anything she does. Now, I asked that we take a spring break trip without her. I just wanted it to be me, DH, and our twins. He said ok. Now once this virus hit everything slowly got canceled. We were suppose to have her the weekend before break, drop her off Wednesday and that was it. Now since we didn't go, he kept her the whole week and won't take her home! I'm so sick of this! Just because your comfortable with this doesn't mean I am. I just hate we don't even discuss this stuff. He makes these discussion in his mind or with BM and I'm just suppose to go along with it. With all that's going on all this just gives e more anxiety and I don't know how to explain to DH that I feel trapped in my house when SD is here and I don't need this right now. 
Maybe I'm selfish..... I just feel like my feelings and want I would like doesn't get consider. 

JJCastle's picture

Often times decisions are made that impact you without your consent. That is steplife sometimes. Court orders dont take your feelings or wants into account, nor those of your bio kids. We are often left to feel second. Your DH will have to work to advocate for both of you. It is frustrating as hell, but there isnt much you can do but keep your boundaries up. Disengage with SD if she is there. Let DH do all the parenting and care. 

Do you have a court order? If so stick to that exactly and do not deviate. If not, look to get one. It will help lay out some of those scheduling things so that it isnt just up in the air or changed on a whim. 

Have you tried counseling or anything to deal with your anxiety? I too have anxiety (not just from steplife) and therapy has helped SO MUCH. Do some reflection work to see if step life is something you can handle longterm because more often than not, it is this way. 

MayCorine85's picture

Yes, I am in therapy now and it's has helped a lot. I use to spend full weekends in a panic attack. It's just with all these schools and businesses closing, my anxiety is up and this situation just adds to it.

Willow2010's picture

1...You stop making her do any work or correcting her.  That is DHs job.  Especially since you have high anxiety,  Let him deal with it.  

2...I am amazed your DH agreed to leave one of his kids home while he and his other kids go on vacation.  If you DH takes a vacation without his DD will it be ok for him to take her on a vacation without the twins?  

3...Your DH should have discussed her staying all week.  But I am sure he knows you would have said no and that is why he did not discuss it with you. 

4... Get some therapy for your anxiety.  

5.... Read up on disengagement.  

Rags's picture

Regarding #2.  What a family does when the Skid(s) are with the other parent should not matter.  In this case that the OP's DH agreed to go on vacation with his family while his prior relationship kid was with the kid's BM is not about going on vacation without the SKid. And no, it would not be okay for the OP's DH to go on vacation with the Skid without the OP or the twins.  Just as what the SKid does on BM's time has no bearing on what the OPs family does when the Skid is somewhere else.

Skids get to do things while with their other family that joint kids to a blended marriage do not get to do.  And the Skids in those situations do not get to do the things that occur when they are not with one side of their blended family.  The OP and her DH should not forego family vacations when the Skid is not with them.  These things are not about fair or unfair.

During the early years of our marriage my DW had similar struggles to what the OP's DH is struggling with.  Until I put my foot down and refused to forego our lives while SS was on SpermLand visitation.  I was tired of not participating in my family's vacations because SS was not with us. Ultimately it worked out well. Once DW worked through the new reality.

Just my thoughts of course.

Kee-khe's picture

You are so right! 

Skid is DH's problem, OP should not have to put her life on hold bc of a child that isn't even hers. 

I could not have said this better myself. I just learned this lesson myself .

Rags's picture

For sure neither I nor my DW would leave each other and the Skid to go on a vacation with our own families.  If the Skid was with us we would all three go. If the Skid was on SpermLand visitation then he would be doing what the SpermClan was doing and we would be doing our thing together.  

tankh21's picture

MY OSS gives me anxiety as well. DH has them any chance he get and then tries to get me to cook and babysit them well I put a stop to that. He still will pick of the skids on his scheduled visitations but does not do any extra time anymore because I refused to cater to his brats. OP does your DH expect you to cater to your SD?

CLove's picture

You want to  be inlcuded in their decision making.

That takes time and you making it very clear.