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Resentment normal?

anonymous1306's picture

To sum this up my partner absolutely adores his little girl so much that she can do no wrong (even when to me she can be intolerable). She has an attitude, she kicks off over everything when it doesn't go her way. We've had discussions as he works away monday to friday so i only see him at the weekends (he has his daughter every other weekend but kept having her every weekend) so i said im not willing to sit at home all week every night (i do work during the day) and keep a roof over our head to not actually spend any time with him. I have a 5 year old who may not be perfect but her behaviour couldn't get much better. Obviously with the whole virus situation, i was on edge about his daughter coming as she has a constant cough which makes her sick, and although its not a new cough i felt uncomfortable. My partner said 'her cough is fine, and her mum has said she wouldn't send her if it was any risk to my daughter' which has turned out to be utter rubbish. Im now furious that she has put my daughter at risk, and that my partner has let her do it by taking her word for it just because he wants to see his daughter (understandable under normal circumstances). She woke up today being sick from her cough which is 'nothing'. I told my partner that i've felt uncomfortable all weekend in my own house, to which he's argued that it's also her home too, yet my daughters dad has my daughter the same amount and we don't consider his house her home. And by home i mean primary residence. I can't even keep my child safe in our own home, and i now feel like us staying in all week has been for nothing.

tog redux's picture

I bet your ex feels like his home is also your daughter's home. Maybe not her primary residence, but I'm guessing he wants her to be comfortable there and see it as her home. 

That being said, doesn't sound like this is the right guy for you. He's not available to spend time with you and you don't like his parenting. 

lakeland's picture

I also feel resentment towards my wife when there are changes made in my home that I either have to accept or adapt to. It's a form of disrespect to be left out of the decision making process as though your either wrong, or your voice just doesn't count. If this behavior continues from your significant other, the resentment will erupt one day. We all understand that his child is of super importance to him. But he has to work things out with you, not just call the shots.

Rags's picture

IMHO which home a Skid considers "home"and for sure which home any of the adults in the blended family equation want to label as the Skid's "home" is not a hill even worth climbing much less dying on.

Jcksjj's picture

I would agree. Realistically the skid probably does consider mom's house to be home, and how dad feels about that doesn't change it. It's great for her to feel welcome, but (at least in my experience) NCP house is like visiting a grandparent or other close relative's home that you're comfortable in, but it's not actually YOUR home. I dont think that's necessarily bad, it just is what it is.

lakeland's picture

I agree with Rags (although to be honest, I like it when I hear the my stepkids refer to my home as "home" and my wife's ex's home as "Dad's").  So maybe we (step-parents) should do our best to make sure our step-kids do see our homes as their homes too. 

Earlier in this conversation, I said that if your significant other doesn't involve you in the decision making process, resentment will set in.  A year ago, my SS starting to spend more time in our home and less at his BF's. I'd come home and be surprised that he was there despite the fact that it was his father's day. I didn't mind so much at first and actually kinda thought it was nice. And I honestly didn't mind sharing my wife with her kids; I wanted them to have a good relationship. But, I did address the new situation once I realized that his presence took alot of my wife's time, attention, and energy.  Especially once he came here full time which just sort of happened uner my nose. To be honest. I was feeling a very ignored. Unfortunately for me, my wife isn't understanding. She would get angry with me because she felt I was trying to make her chose between me and her kids which is the furthest thing from the truth. All I wanted was to be the focus of her attention from time to time. Eventually, I started to resent her kids for "needing" their mother so often. But I also started to resent my wife, not only for not understanding how I felt, but for not involving me in the decision to bring her son in full time.

I'm not sure if this story is helpful to you or anybody.   Had I known what would have resulted in bringing in my SS full-time then I would have seen the necessity to communicate concerns, issues, potential problems (basically, the pros and cons) with my wife more clearly.