Hi All.... I have dropped by from time to time.. but never posted. I am a mom to two bio kids that I coparent (we have them 50/50) - I remarried a man who had full custody of a ten year old boy (he was 8.5 when we met). We have a child together who is ten months old.

The stepkid is, of course, the root of 85% of our issues.

This child's mother is mentally ill. She lacked compassion, is a narcissist, has a persecution complex/borderline personality disorder (basically just so freaking whacked out that a number of diagnosis fit her. But I think she should be diagnosed with vile hatred and rage). Anyway, dad overcompensated by coddling the kid. Perfect storm. One parent modeled insane selfish and angry behavior and the other made him an entitled brat the world revolved around. And when I met him that child was a HOT MESS. Entitled, angry, in control of everything. By the time I figured out just how bad the situation was, I was already 4 months pregnant with our child.

Oh shit. Right?

We have worked through many of the anger issues - dh was willing to create consequences and the angry, vile behaviors he displayed disappeared. But then, we were left with an uglier truth - this kid doesn't feel anything. ANYTHING.

I had tried to tell dh this. Begged him to get the kid better therapy, but he chose denial instead. Every time I had a "nice" moment with him, the child would add me to the list of people he thought he could manipulate. To keep myself and my children safe, I have had to keep him at an arms distance. When he thinks I don't like him, I (and my kids) get the best of him. Sad, but true. DH of course, could not, would not ever accept this - and silently blamed me for not being the mother this child so desperately seemed to need. When I did get involved in the parenting/disciplining of this child - DH began resenting my kids. That was the end of that. That was the beginning of disengaging. But, I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. If I didn't get involved, I was now the one to be blamed for causing further damage to this angry, entitled, unloving child - by not being his loving, adoring mother. If I did get involved, DH would become angry with me and my children - even though they weren't displaying the behaviors that his kid was, he would want to punish them for SOMETHING.

Finally, DH & SS10 had a therapy session with the therapist who was the supervisor in his visits with SS10 and BM. SS`10 talked about how conflicted he feels about me, how it makes him uncomfortable when I am nice to him.

At the end of the visit, the therapist talked privately to dh and said "If I were you, I would be very concerned about how shut down he is. And if you don't do something soon, it will be permanent." He came home, apologized profusely. OMG. On one hand I want to punch him in the head because THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING. On the other, I finally feel validated for the first time in two TERRIFYING years. Living with a child that is totally shut down and a father in denial has been terrifying. The therapist told him she isn't sure he is even capable of loving him (dh). She alluded to dh that ss10 could go the road of the mother if nothing is done.

Finally, DH is listening.

But at what cost? Two years of this has left me a bit shattered and untrusting. DH and his son have one thing in common - they LOVE to argue and be right. Endlessly. As a result of this and dh's inexhaustible denial - I checked out. I totally disengaged two weeks ago. I stopped being nutrition police, making sure he did chores, I stopped helping when SS10 is sick and acting insane. I stopped being available in any way for the care and supervising of the stepchild. SS10 gets sick and loses his mind - dramatically hyperventilating and freaking out. It's utterly exhausting and ridiculous. And happening right this minute, actually. This child is a dark and dreary being - a drain, and how his father doesn't see it - is completely beyond me.

Best decision I could have made to disengage. Managing a marriage to a rather high maintenance man, handle this emotionally damaged child, my two kids, our baby, and this house - I'm about over it.

Finally, DH has a recommendation for a therapist that the supervising visitation therapist thinks can help SS10. Let's freaking hope so.

My biggest fear in disengaging was that it would just be one more thing dh would pin on me for why his kid is the way he is. Because I couldn't be the Madonna mother for this little spawn of darkness. It seems that dh has, with the help of this therapist, come to the conclusion that it is not me who is the problem (hopefully).. He has (on the surface at least) supported my disengagement.

I feel like I have to work daily to convince myself, remind myself, what in this situation is good and worth it. I feel like I do daily mental aerobics to attempt happiness. It's hard. Beyond hard. I'm not sure it's worth it. I currently stay home with our son, and therefore spend more time with SS10 than I would ever like to. Let's hope therapy makes this child more bearable..

(lol... right now, SS10 threw up a couple of times and I just shrugged and said, I dunno, that's a bummer.. and now dh is googling upset stomachs - you handle it, man.. I'm busy venting about the two of you!! hahaha )...

So, that's my situation, in a nutshell... would love to hear other disengagement advice, or from anyone with step kids full time, crazy bio mom's..

Thanks for taking the time to read my story...