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young_stepmomma25's picture

Ok do I'm really trying to get in the hang of disengagement for my sanity (kinda hard when your skids live with you full time) and I think I failed. SD15 asked to spend a night out and I told her to ask her father. Boy was she pissed because she knew he wasn't going to answer her. He doesn't like for her to spend a night at anyone's house (she's a little fast if you know what I mean). So when I told her to ask her dad, he turns it around and had her ask me. So I told her you know what, yes, go ahead. I knew that wasn't what he wanted me to say, but I didn't care. It was supposed to be his decision not mine. So he goes, what made you say yes (in a questioning tone, kinda undermining what I said) and I said well you were beating around the bush and not giving her an answer so I answered it for you. Now he has an attitude. Oh well. Maybe he should've said something. Right now, the house is extra quiet without her constant whining. I'm happy. I myay have failed trying to disengage but whatever, she's out the house and I feel good. Trust me if you read my backstory, you'd smile with content too.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Next time tell her, "Your FATHER has to make that decision. He is your PARENT." Rinse. Repeat.

Powerfamily's picture

He didn't want to be the bad guy and say no, and now his pissed at you. Next time tell him you are not going to parent HIS child when he can't be bothered and to take his attitude else where.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

He was wanting you to say no and for you to be the bad guy instead of him and it backfired on him. HA

SM12's picture

My DH was a pro at putting the blame on me. Whether it was intentional or not..he did.
The SS's would ask for a friend to spend the night, instead of telling them no (because that is what he wanted to do ) he would say...I have to ask SM first.
THEN he would tell them no. I had to point out to him that he was making it appear that it was MY decision to tell them no and to stop doing that.
I had to remind him that HE was the parent and HE needed to grow a set and tell them immeidately NO if that was his choice.
It took a few years but he finally got it. Sad part it...its too late because the SS's hate me and I am sure that is a big reason why.
I was always being made out to the the heavy.

young_stepmomma25's picture

This is exactly what happens at my house. Kid ask dad something. Dad tells them he'll have to talk it over with me first. Then I'm the bad guy because of whatever decision I made. Welp, not this time hehe

still learning's picture

^^Yup, Squid is right. You completely disengaged by saying YES and as a result she's out of the house, yay! Win for you, win for her, lose for DH but it's his own fault for not actually parenting. In the future when DH tries to pawn off his parenting duties to you your answers should be "do whatever you want." Perhaps he'll start stepping up, after all it is HIS job not yours.

Good job OP! You are on your way.

young_stepmomma25's picture

She lied about her whereabouts the last time she spent the night out. So her father decided not to let her spend the night at anyone's house for a while.