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I'm afraid I'll end up hating the stepkids

New_to_this's picture

I'm currently in a serious relationship with a dad of two children. I like the kids and they like me, but I'm worried that issues with the ex-wife (mainly financial) will cause me to resent the kids because I'll see them as a drain.

I got into the relationship without knowing my boyfriend's finances and have been slowly realizing that he can't save any money because it all goes to payments for his ex-wife and kids. They didn't go through lawyers, he actually wrote up the divorce agreement, but he was way too giving in the divorce and didn't realize that he was putting himself in such a disadvantage. (I'm also resentful towards him for writing such an idiotic divorce agreement) As of now, she makes 70% of what he makes, so you'd think that she should pay at least 35% of the kids needs - they have joint custody and he actually has the kids more than she does. I would think she should pay about 40%, but my boyfriend calculated what the ratio was. It turns out she pays a whopping 13% of the kids expenses (he pays 87%). I was livid when I found out. On top of that he's also paying her mini-van payments. He doesn't have the money to save for a rainy day, let alone do things that I enjoy, like travel. He rents a condo and lives paycheck to paycheck while constantly fighting with the ex on the phone for various reasons. She is unreliable (doesn't take the kids on the days she's supposed to) and says she's broke and can barely pay what she's paying now.

He went to talk to a lawyer, but the retainer is nearly $8,000 and the lawyer said that the case would be hard to win because all the financial breakdowns were clearly written in the contract. So, basically, he and I have to live with it. The ex-wife drives a new car, lives with her fiance in a new house they just bought, and is upwardly mobile in her career (she will surpass mine and my boyfriend's income within a few years). She spent their whole marriage in school, so never contributed to the family's income and now she has a home and spends less than $150 in child care expenses for two kids a month, while my boyfriend spends over a $1,000.

I'm afraid I'll resent the kids because of this. They'll remind me of the ex, which I hate. They'll remind me of the financial drain every time we send them to baseball, basketball, or other practices. Everytime they whine about going out to eat or point at all the things they want when we're shopping (which is alot). Everytime I think about retiring with my boyfriend because I know he won't have the funds to retire. Everytime I think about the kids' college education because I know he'll be paying fully for that to. Everytime I think about having a child with my boyfriend, because I will suppress the thought because I don't think that he could afford another kid and I don't want to feel more resent because I'm the sole financial provider for my child.

This sucks. My only hope is that the ex somehow has compassion, sees how unfair the agreement is, and voluntary agrees to an amendment. From past interactions I've witnessed, I'm not holding my breath.

New_to_this's picture

I agree with you. I think he should go back in 2 years for a modification. At that point she'll be making equivalent or more than he does, so it would be crazy for a judge to continue to allow her to pay less than 15% of child support.

There's little chance that she'll agree to take on a bigger payment even if it is the right thing to do. I'm not sure how she doesn't have money though. She travels a lot for work (that's why my boyfriend has the kids more than she does) and gets a lot of per diem for it. She's most likely taking home more in per diem (after paying for meals) than she pays for the kids.

When we first starting going out, I thought about having kids with him. It was weird because I never thought about having kids with anyone (I'm older and in my 30s). But now, I don't want to have kids with him anymore. Actually, this relationship has caused me to feel sort of cynical about marriage and children in general. I think if we were to have a child, I'd be paying out of my income, while he would be paying for his kids with his income. I'd still be able to save for retirement (I'm also frugal), but he would struggle with barely an emergency fund.

New_to_this's picture

It's nice to hear someone else who understands. My boyfriend's ex-wife is also a piece of work. She never worked throughout their marriage, but instead went to school for over 10 years, and got a phd. She had him move to another state to get employment, so he packed up the kids and moved. Then, within months, cheated on him and said she wanted a divorce. (I'm pretty sure she knew she didn't want to be with him before making him move) Since she wasn't fully working yet, he agreed to paying most of the child support. But, now she's working, making good money and not having to pay a fair amount to support her kids. It drives me mad.

instantfamily's picture

You can always request a modification. Yes, most states require between 24-36 months from the child support arrangement "unless there is a substantial change in circumstances". I, too, went to an attorney who said it'd be $3,000 down to even get into court to move the case. B.S. I went to a low-income legal clinic and spoke to a family law attorney for free who told us what paperwork to pull and to absolutely file for the case to be moved to our state (because we have full time custody- she sees them 14% of the time- which you should also have your BF calculate and then the court will do so, too). The less time she spends with the kids, the more she pays. So, if your BM like ours chooses not to exercise her visitation to the full extent, she will end up owing more. It's a bitch to do, but you can do it on your own. The only things you will have to pay for are the certified copies of the CS order and the original divorce/custody order as well as someone to serve her. $30-40 for the first two and $100+ for the serving her if she actually takes it and doesn't try to hide. Then any court fees, but not $8,000.00.
And do NOT marry that man until he works this out. We lost out on tons of benefits by getting married. DH cannot get a break on child care, we lost out on taxes because I make more than him so together it's too much to get a decent return. We love each other and want to be married, but had we known then what we know now, we would not have done it.

New_to_this's picture

Thanks for the advice. I think we'll look into trying to do it on our own. I'm pretty good at paperwork, so it's something we should at least consider, since the legal fees are so high.