I paid $10K in BF's back child support
Hi. I am new here, looking for some advice.
I am 36 and have been in a relationship with a man for the past 4 years. We are not legally married but living together for the past 3 years with a 3 year old child of our own. He also has an 11 year old from previous relationship.
I knew from the beginning that he owed $22K in child support. Here is the back story: They separated when child was 1. BM filed for full custody and child support immediately. He worked off the books for years and would give her cash weekly, whatever she needed he would buy because he felt bad, she was young with 2 small kids. He even bought her an entire bedroom set when she moved in with her mother. Meanwhile the CS case continued to run in courts and officially showed as unpaid. He was STUPID.
Once we got together I told him he needed a legit on the books job, which he got and CS started garnishing his wages weekly which was fine, as well as his tax refund (also fine). At that point BM had moved the child 2.5 hours away and continued to get Welfare. In the state of CT you can get Welfare for 2 years I believe and then you have to pay it back. She new CS would take her money to repay her Welfare so she begged my BF to give her cash instead and she would go to court and close the case. She lied as usual.
But my BF did not tell me that, he said CS was now current and that she went to court to close the case so everything was clear. We decided to get a joint account because he was really terrible with money. I was the only one saving and after a few months I had $10K in our joint savings account. Well, CS got a levy on it and the money was garnished. All of it. We were left with $0 in both checkings and savings.
I was livid and his reaction was to get mad at ME because i wasnt more supportive during this chaos.
This has completely ruined our relationship. I know i was extremely naive and stupid to get a joint account with someone who a) is not legally married to me, b) owes money. But his family's reaction was pretty much like "his debt is your debt". They were looking at me like I was the bad guy.
BF continues to act like BM was not the master mind behind this, he thinks the state of CT came after the money since she owes them Welfare pay back.
My questions:
1) Do you think it's my "moral" responsibility to pay his debt since although we are not married, we plan for our future together and function as one unit?
2) Do you think his BM was actively pursuing this child support case and trying to collect this money?
Sorry for the long post.
1) No 2) Yes
1) No
2) Yes
1) no
1) no
2) yes
You both got lessons on this. BF got a lesson on how (not) to pay CS. Although I am not sure he (and you) understand exactly what happened with the CS and court and welfare.You got a lesson on what a joint accounts mean legally. Since each name on the account has a legal right to everything in it, it can be garnished for the debt of one party.
You may be planning a life together, but you should keep your financials separate (at least until his oldest ages out).
How Awful!
No his child support is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I would hire an attorney to see if any of this could be recovered.
Yes, she absolutely was behind it. You just gave her $10,000!
1. No
1. No
2. It really doesn't matter.
Set up your finances separately asap if you haven't already. Accept that this was a mistake on your part and move on. This man who does not properly provde for his kid through the legal system and owes large sums of money is not going to pay you back. Find some way to accept that. If it means that you have to leave him, then leave him. If you can find a way to stay in the relationship then reset the ground rules making sure you and your assests are protected from the courts and from your boyfriend.
Your anger and fustration are normal and natural. It is not your job to pay for their child. Vent and express your anger, but then find a way to move on and accept it as a lesson learnt.
Agree with the others, and
Agree with the others, and adding separate your finances.
Sounds as if you chose to
Sounds as if you chose to ally yourself with a man of low intelligence and poor character. Now, karma has bitten him in the butt and you've been included in his comeuppance.
Do you intend to stay with this fool? If so, take over ALL the finances, keep separate accounts, account for every penny, and settle in for a long slog of you and your child sacrificing for his mistakes. After all, should you leave him you can expect that he'll do whatever he can to avoid paying YOU c.s.
His family sounds like a bunch of low rent bottom feeders, which means they're glad you're around to subsidize your bf so they don't have to. They're also completely wrong, btw. You don't owe this idiot a GD thing, while he definitely owes you 10k. Good luck getting it back, though.
^^^^This!
^^^^This!
Separate finances, now.
If he does not agree to pay you back, quickly, not in 15 years, leave him.
he has poor character
he has poor character
Welcome to the site!
Of course it is not your moral responsiblity to pay his CS debt - I am surprised that you might think that. He and his family are now gaslighting you and making you think you are in the wrong, and he (typical narcissist tactic) is trying to make YOU feel guilty for HIS misdeeds. It doesn't really matter whether the BM or the state came after him for CS, does it? the fact is, all your savings are gone and a decent man would be mortified, apologise profusely, and promise to pay the money back to you. It is an extremely bad sign that he is doing none of these things. If you are planning to stay with this man, separate finances and protect yourself as best you can.
It’s not your responsibility to pay
Your SO child support. You did not make that child your SO did. He has to give you that money, or your part of that money back. It’s like he borrowed money and wants you to pay it back. NO. Your money is your money.
BM is on welfare, the tax payers of that state is paging BM money. When the BF is happily living with his GF not paying support. They have every right to go after that money. BM is sitting on her rear not careing
OMG please don’t pay anymore.
OMG please don’t pay anymore. What happens if you break up in five years? You will have no nest egg for you and your child, and you may also find it difficult getting child support yourself.
It's not your responsibility
It's not your responsibility to pay ANY of his debt, even if you were married to him. What an idiot he was to trust BM.
I hope this has convinced you to be done with him.
In australia they can’t garnish joint bank accts
because they would need to prove what funds there belong to both account holders which is a very tedious job.
op just basically got a slap in the face and her man is being an arsehole that she isn’t supporting him. He’s been an irresponsible idiot this whole time
i wouldn’t feel secure in this relationship anymore, thats alot of money and you’ll worry it’ll happen again
does op man have any intention of paying the portion of money taken from her?? I doubt it
Not your responsiblity
Can you write a letter to the state protesting/explaining that the money was yours?
I agree with PP, you need to leave him, but if not keep money seperate
My DH had Success with this!
Many years before we met, Child Support wiped out an account of DH, but restored the money because he had subcontractors to pay - the money wasn't all his. He was able to recover the amount for his subcontractors. Sharing this story to suggest that you contact Child Support and also authorize the bank to share records proving your deposits into that account - they need to restore your money.
I also recommend filing a police report on this STRAIGHT-UP THEFT, and drop this *sshole like a ton of bricks.
Play stupid games, win stupid preses. You do NOT have to accept this! I am outraged on your behalf!!
I'm MARRIED and it's not even
I'm MARRIED and it's not even my moral obligation to help DH with his kids. Legally, anything in a joint account is fair game. That's why we don't have a joint account.
CS is HIS responsibility, and back CS is HIS debt. Even if you were married. It's not your burden.
To answer your second question, I think you got played by BOTH BM and BF. Your BF lied to you about the CS case and it cost you $10,000. BM will likely do anything to keep money rolling in, so no surprise that she kept the CS case open while pan handling to your BF.
If this were ME, I would leave. Not because you are out $10k, but because your BF lied and is trying to gaslight you into thinking this is your fault. BM is going to squeeze every last dime that she can; that's a given and expected. What your BF SHOULD do, knowing that, is follow all legal channels to make sure his CS is paid, and if necessary, seek custody if his kid isn't being cared for.
What he SHOULD NOT DO is dupe you out of money then get mad at YOU when you decide not to bankroll this anymore.
I agree
I agree with what everyone else has been saying. I would also like to point out that ONLY $10k was garnished. From what you have said and given that arrears tend to rack up fines and costs, that very likely did not clear the entire debt owed to BM. Any money that you hold jointly with this man you should assume will one day suddenly disappear. You would be insane to ever have another cent in any account with him again. If, and that is a big if, you decide to stay with him. His reactiion and that of his family is incredibly telling of what you should expect for the rest of your life. His failings are something you are expected to clean up. I wonder if he or any of them would have your back if you got in a jam? Think hard about that.
Who told you that you are
Who told you that you are obligated to pay boyfriend’s debt? It makes zero sense.
I would consult with a lawyer
I would consult with a lawyer to see if there's any way to get that $10,000 back. And if there's no way to get it back from BM or CS enforcement, I would have the boyfriend sign a promissory note in which he agrees to pay the $10,000 back. He should be giving you any extra cent he has, and he should pick up another job so that he can pay you back more quickly.
Why do YOU think you are
Why do YOU think you are responsible for his child support?
You will never see that money.
I would get out of this relationship or you will be swallowed in debt the rest of your life. Hey---did he sign a promissory note. IF Not get him to put this in writing...THEN leave him and take him to small claims. Maybe you will get 5K out of it.
Oh one more thing...all stop with you helping him..YOUR NOT MARRIED and have zero protection. Consider this a huge loss for your bank account and never ever do it again.
Goodluck
P.S.
OP BE VERY SWEET until you get that promisary note, OK? Dont lead him on to think your up to something. You can do this!!!
Interesting idea, but it was
Interesting idea, but it was the state that took her money not her boyfriend. She was niave to mix finances with a man she didn't really know. Obviously she didn't look at his credit score or look into his background at all.
That money is LOOONG gone
That money is LOOONG gone honey. Any joint assets belonging to a parent in arrears can be seized. You can write a letter as others have suggested but IF you get a reply it will be a long drawn out and possibly expensive battle. Have you ever tried to deal with the CS office or get a real person on the phone? It's like dealing with Social Security but worse.
You're not married but you made mistake #1 by mixing finances with a man who is deeply in debt. If a parent is on welfare they can't cancel child support even if they wanted to. In fact it usually means that the state will take over and garnish if the child is on medicaid. There's a lot of anger towards BM but your boyfriend is the real problem.
Your future with this man is a giant gaping hole that all your resources will get sucked into. He's mortgaged his own future and stolen your money. Anything joint between the two of you is up for grabs. Hopefully his name isn't on your vehicle or any joint property. If you stay after all of this you're just a glutton for punishment.
WTF were you thinking?
1. Not only no but hell no.
2. It doesn't matter. He bred this child. As a man and a father it is his reponsibility to support that child. BM's motivations are irrelevent and really don't matter. His failures as a man do matter.
and most importantly...
3. He has failed monumentally to protect you from his idiot decisions and the baggage of his shitty life decisions as a failed man and father.
Now, stop being an idiot and purge this POS and his baggage from your life.