This story is very upsetting.... i responded to your first post as well.  I truly think that he has guilt and he is living out his vows to BM, and has broken the ones he made to you. I think her being ill has twisted his reality, and I don’t think that it is fair to you at all. I feel heartbroken for you.

i know that the situation she is in is devastating, and I do feel bad for her and her kids but it is still a betrayal of your marriage. 

It is hard to say if he will snap back with reality or if he is going to follow this path now. But in all honesty no matter what the outcome may be for her or what he comes to realize I would say that for YOU what is most healthy and the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to keep away from this situation for good. 

I understand she is ill but this is truly at it’s core an emotional affair. If this was me in this situation I would personally divorce DH over this one and never look back. 

Is this both of your house? Is your bio one you share with him?  

I say I would permanently remove myself because I would feel after this situation that any challenges we faced later on down the road I would always have this in the back of my mind. If I were to get ill, or him get ill or another relative.... I would feel like it would plague me through any of my own difficult life circumstances I would face down the road, and to me it would add to that difficult time. 

He very well might be messed up over the stress of it, but to ME personally a marriage comes before all else. And I think that he is putting his past marriage before all else.  

When you think about it people who are divorced encounter situations like these often, and I would bet that the extreme vast majority would be there for their kids more than ever and offer help in the way of getting groceries on occasion, etc (if they were on really good terms), but would not take things THIS far. 

He wants to take care of her and be her main source of support. That is what he is choosing to do.... and he doesn’t care about the repercussions because this is what is most important to him.

Go to the therapist and keep going, and I would say take care of YOU and your child.... and let this man go and rebuild your own life- make yourself happy, and don’t live with this weight. Living with stress of this nature and magnitude can impact your health too.

I’ve experienced part of what what you live through now. My DH became BM’s primary care giver when she got terminal ill. He followed her to all doctor appointments, had long conversations on phone every day, did the shopping for her, helped her out with practical things in her home etc. Since SD lived with BM full time (her choice), I did somewhat think it was ok, since he said he did all this for SD. That said, BM had parents, siblings and a lot of friends that could have done those things for her. However, as for you, I had a bad feeling about the situation and felt that something was not right. Eventually I did read some private messages between them when he once left the page open one the computer. Then it became totally clear to me that she was not just happy about the help she got, but she loved him deeply and he did nothing to explain to her that those feelings were not reciprocal. Shortly after she died, everything became chaos, and the situation was never adressed or solved. His only explanaition then was that he thought that by keeping her happy and making her feel loved, she would live longer, and every month counted for SD.

Today, several years later, I still feel anger and resentement. I understand that the situation was very hard for him, but I cannot accept how he put me last on the priority list. I also live with the feeling that he is prepared to anything for SD no matter the price it has for our marriage. I therefore think you were right about confronting your DH now instead of waiting until things settle down. Then it may be to late to repair the damages it has caused your marriage.

Right now, your priority is caring for your own child and your own needs.  It's obvious that your husband has relegated you to the back of the car and BM is in the front seat next to him while he steers the car into whatever the future holds.  

And therein lies the problem.  No one knows what the future holds.  Nor how long it might last.  Nor what other complications can arise.  The bottom line is that you are in the back seat and are not being included in the direction the vehicle is taken.  

While everyone can agree that it is awful the BM is in this situation, the reality is that bad things happen to people all the time.  This is not a situation where the BM is completely alone in the world and the skids would be neglected due to her incapacity.  She has plenty of loved ones around who can help her.  I agree that taking the skids as much as possible is the right thing to do and is important he do it as their father.  However, he is more than those kids' father - he is your HUSBAND and the father of your child, too!   Why in the world can't he get that through his head?

In fact, rather than try to understand your position DH chooses to gaslight you by asking you "Why you are doing this?!"   What a crock and he knows this.   A classic case of deflecting the blame onto you, when it's very clear from everyone's perspective that he has gone far overboard in his support to his ex wife.  I guess he expects to do anything he wants with BM at any time, and for as long as he likes so he can be her personal support system.  This is not at all realistic. 

In the meantime, the skids are learning that YOU (and your child) are a mere accessory to his life, since he will kick you to the curb when any crises strikes.   Speaking of crises, what would he do if you were in a car accident tomorrow?  

It's also very convenient that his other response is that you need to spend time apart.  I have a hunch he's been feeling/thinking this way for some time - probably since BM got her diagnosis.  He obviously has very deep feelings for her which are not resolved, and he is thinking he can freely help her out and be her hero if you would only get out of his way.   

That's really what he is saying by his silences, by not answering your questions, by not being willing to have a dialogue on this very important issue.  He is REALLY saying that he wishes you were out of the way, and he didn't have to deal with you.  

IMO, I think you should spend this time with your friend and catch your breath.  I'd go completely incommunicato with DH.  Don't talk to him on the phone unless you absolutely have to.  Then go to the appointment with the counselor on Monday and talk out the issues and emotions you are having with this whole thing.   The right answer may be that you should indeed separate from each other for awhile.  

If you do, you may discover that it is much better to be driving that vehicle by yourself towards your own destiny than to leave the wheel in the hands of DH who will turn off the road toward BM whenever she needs him.   

sound like he has ever really severed ties with bm. He seems to still view them as a fully functional family. I think you should focus on your future and moving ahead with your life. I don't think you should wait for him to decide who he wants to be with. This will sound harsh and I apologize, but it's time to move on. It doesn't sound like he really actually emotionally divorced from her. 

He has played his cards. Make him stick to his hand. He wanted a break, so make the break permanent and give him what he asked for.

Nail his ass to the wall for CS and make exactly the same demands of him that his XS does and woe to him if he fails to step up. If you he won't give you his time and focus while married to you then make damned sure he has no choice but to be your back and call boy in the support of your daughter going forward.  Keep the CO rolled up and beat the snot out of him with it liberally when he fails to comply.

See if that gives him some clarity.

Learn from this and make sure  you do not repeat this choice as you move forward with your life.  No more miltiple marriage losers. At some point we all must learn that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and that doing the same thing over and over again is the informal definition of insanity.

Enjoy the launch of your new life adventure.

Take care of you and that baby.

My condolences that your DH has been found wanting.