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I lost control of my emotions and my mouth today

Wishful_Thinking's picture

I am really struggling with my SD17 not pulling her weight with regards to chores and keeping her mess under control. My SD has a 1 year old son, so my feeling is that because she decided to become a mom, it should not be more work for me. But it is. I have to bio kids of my own and I don't mind doing my fair share of the cleaning, but the mess is just going beyond what I am willing to accept.

I have been venting on my DH for a year now, and he has chosen to do very little about it. In my opinion, he would rather fight with me about it then parent his kid. I feel he isn't respecting me.

This morning when my SD17 and her son woke up half the house at 7:45 am, I was really peeved. Then, when I come downstairs the place is a disaster (a sink full of dishes, the breakfast remains on the floor, the livingroom has toys everywhere) and she's sitting on the couch watching TV. I just felt like I was going to explode.

So later this morning I addressed it once again with my DH and I REALLY went off the wall. I called my SD some awful names and told him if he's so okay with what she does then he needs to go live with her somewhere else. I made it clear that if he doesn't do something I will, and in the past he hasn't liked how I handle some things so don't say I didn't give you the chance beforehand!

I feel somewhat relieved inside, but upset that I really dumped my DH. Through the whole conversation he STILL did not offer to fix the situation, he just wanted to listen to me vent. It's just not enough. I am so frustrated.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I don't blame you. You said what you did because you are tired and frustrated, as well you should be. Now, though, you must stick to what you said.

First of all, your SD chose to have a child-HER child. NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Is she working? Does she have a plan to move out? Your DH is still treating her like a kid-sorry, she may be only 17, but she needs to be a woman now and take care of her baby. She is lucky you are allowing her to live with you. There is NO reason she she should be behaving like this, and your DH needs to get on her to share in the household responsibilities.

These kids having kids and then expecting mom and dad to handle everything is unacceptable. This is what will lead/has led to generations of people unable to cope with life/take care of themselves. Both of my grandmothers had their first kids VERY young, but they did everything on their own, with my grandfathers' help (which was not always a lot, because one was a farmer who worked long hours, and one was at war for years). My friend raised her child alone-she was 18 and had no help. But, now, we have a society of helpless people who are going to continue to raise helpless people.

It does not sound like your DH feels like making his daughter be responsible. That leaves you no choice to do what you have to do.

Wishful_Thinking's picture

I agree that we should get some kind of councelling. Honestly, I look back at myself 10 years ago and I never swore, I was polite... now I do not sound like that woman anymore. Being in a blended family has really hardened me.

I agree that not all teenage moms should automatically be given custody. My DH and I feel the Child Protective Services encouraged her to have this baby (oh there are so many resources out there, we can help you, you can get funding). We were just dumfounded. She does take advantage of the resources for her and her child, but the fact my DH hasn't been interested in parenting her for years, makes our home stressful and negative at times.

Today I went on strike from chores. There are tons of dishes piled up already and I'll let my DH know that he's taken over that role (and if he doesn't want to, they'll just sit there). The kitchen floor needs cleaning but I'll leave that alone too. Since my SD17 has her son crawling around I am going to see how bad it gets before she does something (or asks about it).

Orange County Ca's picture

This type of person, your step-daughter, will be quite happy to do the minimum to exist. I.e. if she needs a dish she will wash one. One being the operative word. The floors and other surfaces will never be touched except a minimum effort to clean up obvious spills. It's really a debate as to how bad she would let it go lacking complaint from you.

I'm guessing Daddy is supporting her and the baby. Personally I would tell Daddy that I'm leaving the house to live. Not a divorce but a seperation if you wish. If you want to really make a point you can file for a Legal Seperation which will seperate your finances and liabilities. Gooogle that for further information.

Don't give any particular notice of this. Just throw up your hands in disgust and find a one or zero bedroom apartment for a few hundred dollars a month and move out your stuff. Take the marital bed and what furniture/kitchen you need and set up your own residence. Or purchase what you need.

Tell him you are looking forward to moving back with him when the girls is gone indicating that you're prepared to wait years because you do love him and don't want a divorce but something has to change.

Or of course you can do the above and file for divorce but it sounds like you don't want that. Yet.

Step-Volgirl's picture

I agree, partly, with Orange County. "I'm guessing Daddy is supporting her and the baby. Personally I would tell Daddy that I'm leaving the house to live. Not a divorce but a seperation if you wish. If you want to really make a point you can file for a Legal Seperation which will seperate your finances and liabilities. Gooogle that for further information." That work, depending on how old your bio-kids are. I'm glad you were able to vent, but it just sucks that all your DH did was listen. Treat this like a hostage negotiation. Write a list of demands! You should never feel like you have less of a say in YOUR home than any kid (bio or step). You have a right to expect that EVERYONE living there take part in the maintaining the house - even the step-grandkid! At age one, kids can help pick up their toys. Best of luck!

Wishful_Thinking's picture

I think about leaving - alot. My bio kids are young (2 and 7) so disrupting their lives isn't an easy decision. In the upcoming months I'll be visiting a lawyer for some sound legal advice. Lawyers are just so freaking expensive.
My DH decided that rather than teach my SD17 to do chores, he is now doing them for her. I seriously can't belive it. I realized today that we've never really been a team and he's just going to do what he sees fit. I am not even speaking to him right now, when he enters the room I leave it.

jumanji's picture

I don't blame you, either. I made it very clear to both of my kids (one of each) that - if they came home with a baby? Their lives would change forever. No, I would not (necessarily) boot them out the door, but I would expect them to take responsibility. They would be working to support their child. If they also chose to go to school, I would do my best to help out. But I had done my job raising them - they would have to raise their own kids.

Your husband has dropped the ball. Plain and simple. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell hi he picks it up or you are out.

oldone's picture

These poor babies don't stand a chance. Allowing them to bring the baby home is just enabling some of these moms to be warts on society.

I'm all for adoption. These girls who say "I could never give up my baby" are the same ones who are the first to dump the baby with the grandparents. They rarely lift a finger to take care of that poor little baby.

A young woman who truly does love her baby will do anything to provide for it and take care of it - really radical things like getting a job and pursuing additional job skills.

Wishful_Thinking's picture

Thanks for all the advice. The Child Protective Services is involved and they monitor her. But actually, the worker we have is almost 100% on her side. Telling us we are not the baby's parents so we have to let her make all the choices. If she read the file on my SD17, then she would know she has a lengthy history already of making really poor choices. She's not a terrible mom, she's just a child raising a child. I personally just don't want more work because she decided to become a mom, unless I CHOOSE it.

My DH and I had a talk tonight. Actually, it got a little heated and I talked about seperation. He asked me if I was jealous of her (what a slap in the face that was). I don't feel jealous of someone who is freeloading off us and doesn't pull her weight around here. I told him that rather than fix the situation, he just likes debate the details. I am still not convinced he'll do anything. But he did ask if we could go talk to someone and I agreed.

Rags's picture

So, any mess she makes ..... if it is her stuff or her babies stuff put it in 30gal trash bags and put it on the curb. No discussion, no warning, just do it.

If the mess is dishes, diapers, etc.... dump it all on her bed. Dirty, nasty ... makes no difference.

If your Dh has a problem with how you are dealing with the SD and her spawn ..... tell him to but his hands between his legs, grab a hand full of sack and man up or STFU.

End of problem.

Good luck.

Sincerely,

Rags's picture

On the note of single teen moms .... my DW was 16 when our son was born. (my SS). She stayed in HS and graduated with her class though the district tried to get her to go to the pregnant girl GED program. She lived in a small travel trailer next to her parents home, worked in the evenings and she and the SpermIdiot tried to make a family with their child. Of course DickHead could not keep his pecker in his pants and went on to perpetrate statutory rape on yet another 16yo (though un charged/convicted). He was 22 when SS was born.

As I said, my wife graduated with her HS class at 17 ... with honors, went on to a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and is now a CPA. The SpermIdiot went on to a distinguished breeding career resulting in 4 out-of-wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas. (SS is his oldest and our only).

My wife had some support and help from my ILs. But, she had to do the work and raise her child herself. They helped pay for the travel trailer and let her hook up to their utilities. That was it. Some friends of hers were foster parents and watched SS while she was in class her Sr. year of HS and when she worked at DQ in the evenings.

My wife says that if she can do it, anyone can do it and has little use for young women who chose to spawn then do not step up and parent, raise their children and provide for their children.

So, in the words of my bride, your SD needs to grow up and do her duty for her child.

Good luck.

Sincerely,

StickAFork's picture

Your wife had A LOT of help. She had help paying for her home, free utilities, and free childcare.
That's all the hard stuff, imo.
I was a teen mom, too. If your wife thinks "if she can do it, anyone can," I can't help but wonder how she would have done it if she had been TRULY on her own to support that baby from day one.

I am glad that she made something of herself, though!

StickAFork's picture

True.
I think it would be different if she really DID do it all on her own, fighting her way to the top, etc.
I'd bet a shiny penny that Rags' income paid for her education. Wink
I think a true, "If I can do it, anyone can" single parent is someone who does it alone, in every way: emotionally, financially, physically, etc.

Rags's picture

Yes, we married when she was 18. We met the last year of my 11yr undergrad plan and her first semester out of HS. She had moved 1200 miles from home to go to school. She had WIC and she had some VA survivor benefits from her biodad. She also got $1/day day care. She worked two jobs, rode the bus for more than an hour a day to drop hte kid at daycare then to and from her two jobs then walked more than a mile each way from her apartment to school and back.

So, she had help. Yes. But she had the strength of character to make the effort. If she were not the amazing woman of character that she is she would not have finished HS and for damned sure she would not have gotten my attention much less be the accomplished graduate degreed professional that she is.

My ILs did not and still do not have a pot to piss in our a window to throw it out of but the did what the could to help. She lived in a travel trailer that was not fit for human habitation her entire Sr. year of HS. But, you are right, she had help.

I find it interesting that you two demonize a former single teen mom for not allowing a mistake made at 16 to define her entire life and discount her experience because it does not appear to have been challenging enough to meet your exacting standards.

And by the way, I did not pay for her education. WE paid for her education. She worked and went to school full time even after we married. Did she have to? No. But she did. She went to school full time, worked full time and was home when the kid got off of the bus. I was in grad school at that time. She dropped the kid off at a drop in day care on her way to night classes, I picked him up 30 mins later then he and I had kid/dad time before I tucked him in then I hit the books.

Sorry to disappoint with the lack if effort and result.

Sincerely,
Rags

Rags's picture

My wife was 1200 miles from home, working two part time jobs and a FULL TIME college student when we met. The help with the utilities, etc.. was when she was in HS.

You need to step up your game Ima. Come on, you are slacking in comparison. How does it feel when someone discounts your efforts?

Wow, I love how people are so offended by the success of others that they actually will get in an I've got it worse than .... pissing contest.

Good for you for doing what you are doing. Don't let anyone discount it but for damned sure you could benefit from learning from the success of others rather than discounting their accomplishemnts that you even with your current notable level of effort will likely never duplicate.

I truly hope that my forecast of your future is wrong and that you reach all of your goals.

Good luck,

Sincerely,