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She hung it back up....

Momof6WI's picture

SD11 has a collage photo on canvas from when she was 2 with pictures of her and her BM and dad on it. In one of the photos my fiancé and BM are kissing. Keep in mind it's big. She keeps hanging it on her wall. Her dad said she can keep it but it's not appropriate to hang up. Well she's leaving today, I go in her room, and there it is....back up on her wall. I was instantly peeved. Your parents have been divorced since she was 4. It's weird to me. This is my house. It's not that I even care that she has it, it's that she keeps trying to hang it up. In. My. House. 
 

ugh I'm annoyed as hell. 

Comments

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's become a power struggle.

But your H, not you, should be the one to take it down, store it, and explain fully why he did so. Hopefully, he can make his daughter think about how it makes HIM feel, how everyone is entitled to their feelings but still required to treat others with respect, etc. 

Momof6WI's picture

He already agreed to, I saw it after he went to work then I called him right away. He was like "oh hell no, we talked about this, she knows better, I'm burning that thing". 
 

Im a big photo person, so I wanted to let her keep it. But you are right, she thinks she's the queen of the castle.....she is not. Not to mention its freaking weird keeping a photo of your mom and dad hanging up, when both parents have moved on. 

Stressed19's picture

I wouldn't let it bother me.. My opinion if she wants a picture of mom, dad or both in her room, then let her...  I am not sure what the dynamica are, but kids are smart. Don't allow her to pull you into a power struggle..... If she is simply trying to push your buttons... It is a picture of the past, a memory, maybe something that she cherishes....... Not sure what else is going on, but what is wrong with her feeling like a queen??? As long as your SO treats you like QUEEN #1...... Now if she acts inappropriately, doesn't follow rules, is disrespectful and/or had a negative attitude, then that is a different story which your SO needs to address...

 

Petronella's picture

Your husband should take it down today and tell SD she has two choices: take it back to BM's with her or else it goes on the trash. No debates, no power struggle 

tog redux's picture

I'm sure I'm in the minority here, but that wouldn't bother me at all. Let her have her little happy family fantasy. I wouldn't go in her room much anyway. 

Disneyfan's picture

I agreed with TOG.  Since the picture is in her room and not in a common area, I don't  think I would mind.

If it did bother me, I would say it could only be up when SD was home.  When she leaves to go to mom's, the collage would have to go into her closet until she returned.

 

 

Momof6WI's picture

IF it is hanging on to a fantasy, that's not reality. She will be disappointed many times in life, just makes me believe she isn't very well adjusted. If that's the reason. Not that any of this is easy for anyone to adjust to, but pretending it isn't real doesn't seem like the idea way to go. 

But, if I were a psychologist I'd have everything figured out by now. Maybe. Wink

Crspyew's picture

It wouldn't bother me.  Past is past, I am the now.  

tog redux's picture

Exactly. I don't understand why this bothers people so much. Yes, they are her parents, and yes, they kissed when they were together. So what?

Momof6WI's picture

That family unit is not a thing anymore. Hasn't been for years, like I said, she can keep the photos. It's a part of her history. But, it is my house. This is the family I have now. Her mom is not a part of my family. 

Disneyfan's picture

Do you view SD as a part of your family?  It's perfectly fine if you don't.   But, you have to accept the fact that SD will always view both of her parents as her family uniy.

Her having pictures of her family unit doesn't diminish/disrespect yours.

 

Momof6WI's picture

She is. But I don't have to include BM in my family. SD can keep her photos.  That is her family, her memories. Not mine. If she wants to put up huge collages in her own home when she's an adult- she can go right ahead. 
 

The collage is pretty big. It would be one thing if it was a scrap book, memory book, photo album. If I could show it I think people might be like - oh- yeah.....that's a bit much. Lol. I appreciate all the feedback though. I really do. 

Stressed19's picture

I completely agree with you.... Same, I want the kids to be able to put whatever pictures they want and cherish.... If you want them to respect you, I need to respect them as well... It is the past, past of my SO life....... Kids will always love both parents and will always in their heart silently wish that things never changed.. It is not easy for them to deal with their parents breaking up........ Like I said if her intentions are to upset you..... then it is becasue she realized that it does! Don't let children or people for that matter know what bothers you, Psychology 101..

Ispofacto's picture

I agree with Tog.  It's her room.  It's good for her self esteem to realize that her parents loved each other at one time and she's a product of that.  Not allowing a child a picture of the absent parent is a form of Parental Alienation.  Even Killjoy was allowed a picture of Satan in her room in my house.

If you turn this into a power struggle, 10 years frow now you'll visit her house and she'll have it in her living room, just to annoy you.  And MIL will have a copy in her living room too, a gift from SD.

 

bearcub25's picture

Or at the least hang it on a wall that isn't visible through the doorway.  Just because it isn't a memory you or your DH wants, she is still entitled to have her own memories and keep them in her space.

Goodluck's picture

Maybe that was a BM move...'Daughter, I hope you can find some joy when your at dads.... I am always with you even though WE are apart. YOU CAN put that nice picture of your dad and I UP on your wall. You know the one I am talking about???? It will seem like I am right there IN YOUR DADS house with you..lololol,  I am sure he wont mind.

Angel

Dovina's picture

The games these BM's can play!

Stressed19's picture

You are so right!!! lol... Paarents that use their kids in this way are pathetic! I honestly have better things to do then to worry about what my kids have on their walls when they are at their dads.........  That is so petty..... smh    

Momof6WI's picture

I was going to let it go, but her dad didn't like it up either. Told her to take it down. Told her she could keep it, just not on the walls.  This was a while ago. So she kept it in her closet.  Then it wound back up on her wall. That why I think it MIGHT be a bit of a power struggle. But I don't know if she's that creative to be honest. 

Stressed19's picture

Talk to her and ask her...... You should reassure her that you have no problem with her having pictures of her mom,dad or both up on her walls in her bedroom.... She will respect you for that..

JJCastle's picture

Offer for her to make a new one! While it is YOUR house, it is also her house too. Make it a fun craft day - have her make one that has photos of you and Dh and her and then some photos of her BM and her. She doesnt need to include photos of DH and BM together. That way everyone is included, it isnt bringing up old wounds and she feels that she doesnt have to choose. Her motive may be as simple as wanting family photos in both places. 

We did that for my SS8. He brought up to me that he was sad that he didnt have any pictures of BM in his room. We have tons of family photos in his room. We felt bad because we know he has photos of us in his room at BM's house. We told him to bring a photo of his choice to our house and we would put it in a frame on his dresser where our family photos are. He brought a nice photo of him and BM. It made him so happy and he didnt feel divided keeping BM at BMs house and DH at DHs house. We put it in his drawer when hes not here and we put it out when he is. Its just that simple. 

shamds's picture

of which bio mum doesn’t own or reside in, hell no to the max!!! It’ll accidentally be set on fire!!

heck my husband would get rid of it. In our case bio mum got rid of all the pics and took off with them in the divorce. Sd’s after 5+ years of no contact suddenly came across pics of the good old days (they continually tried to remind him of life with their mum).

It was real awkward for him because he was remarried for 3.5 years at that point with 2 kids and life with their mum was daily hell for 14+ years...in our home we recently purchased i placed a wedding pic of our solemnisation ceremony and wedding reception on the walls. Hubby wanted another pic of us 2 together on a mini holiday right after we married and maybe of our kids but hubby find it weird even having any pics of his kids with ex since they treat everyone like shit and go out of their way to treat us as outsiders. 

No way is hubby suggesting or enforcing we have their pics...

op whats sd is doing is a cheap shot or so-called covertly trying to instil her mums place in your home and make her mum relevant to your household when she isn’t. Its great your husband is shutting that shit down. Sd can have a pic of her snd her mum at bio mums house but bio mum is not a member of this household and its wholly inappropriate.

if sd starts a hissy fit then ask how she would feel about having a pic of you and hubby at bio mums house with her?? Do you think bio mum will be happy about it?? Of course not!!

advice.only2's picture

Why continue to support the child in a false narrative?  The reality is their parents are no longer together, supporting photos that show them together is supporting a false hope that someday their parents might end up this way.

Its not about being insecure, it's about showing the child their life is still whole and supported with their new normal.  

Iamwoman's picture

^^This 100%.
While I agree with family law that it's ok for a skid to have a photo or two of the other parent in their room, there is absolutely NOTHING in law or literature stating the photo has to be of both parents, and moreso of both parents kissing.

1. It's inappropriate 

2. It is offensive to dad (who may have been abused by BM or simply may just want to forget all about a terrible marriage) and SM (who doesn't need visual evidence of her dear husband kissing another woman)

3. It is absolutely controlling on SD's part. Fantasies are ok to think about, but when a person starts shoving their own fantasies in another person's face in a destructive manner, it's no longer ok. My daughter would love if I killed her abusive father, but I would still never allow her to hang on her bedroom wall, a drawing or photoshopped picture of me killing him.

The current marriage is the only true marriage and anything else is adultery.

SD's little game is damaging on too many levels to list here, and I agree with your DH's idea of just burning the photo at this point. SD is being offensive and disobedient.

tog redux's picture

Maybe she doesn't feel whole and supported? Maybe that should be the discussion rather than, "I don't want pictures of your mother on the walls of MY HOUSE."

thinkthrice's picture

I have 99% of my photos in albums and not prominently displayed.  All skid photos (we stopped getting then about nine years ago) are in a box on the 2nd floor of the garage.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Honeslty it would have bothered me too.  Where did she even get something like that if they divorced when she was 4???  I'm shocked it wasn't taken care of then.

Are they seperate pictures? Or an actual collage.  If they're seperate pictures, I'd just see if your husband would take it apart, the one picture dissapears and she can hang the rest back up as she chooses.

My personal feelins were always they COULD have a picture of psycho in their rooms if they ever asked.  But other than that they weren't going to be around the house.

I get it being a bother, just remember, he's with you, not her.  I don't think they should be encouraging that fantasy, but if you start fighting too hard, it's going to turn into her just trying to defy you over it just because (it sounds like it already is).  So I'd just ignore.

Dovina's picture

Yes its her room, and those are her parents. BUT It can still be unnerving. I would go with taking it down when she isnt there. Heck my SS is an adult he doesnt live in our home and hasnt for years. Before he left to go out of town a few yrs ago he put up a pic in what I call the guest room of the first family....sometimes its just ways to get at you. My thinking if that photo was so special why didnt he take it with him. I didnt take it down, although I had every right to I just threw larger items infront of it.

My guess the BM gave this for her to hang up. Your DH should be discouraging the inappropriate photos ie the kissing ones, thats just ridiculous. The sick twisted games these people play are pathetic. Your SD may be innocent in this but as long as she is in BM training things will get worse. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

The kid probably understands her parents aren't getting back together.  The fact remains, though, her mother and father are going to be her MOTHER AND FATHER for the rest of her life.  No one stops being a parent because of divorce.  

So what if it's a picture of her mom and dad kissing.  OP, you're the one who is kissing him now, right?  Why do you care what the girl hangs in her bedroom?  Take it down when she's not there, let her put it up when she is.  It's freakin' pictures that really have no impact on your life other than a reminder your husband once loved and slept with another woman.  

Kee-khe's picture

No it's not "her room". It's OP's house. 

Throw it away. And make DH explain why. 

He has no reason to get upset either. There is no reason why anything involving BM and DH's past life Should even exist in your home.

NotThatTypical's picture

I think it's stupid to fight over a picture in the child's room. Even if it's a power struggle why is it worth having period?

Petronella's picture

I agree there's no need to fight with a child over this. The dad needs to simply take down the picture and tell the child that's how it's going to be. No arguing involved.

Momof6WI's picture

I let him deal with it, wasn't getting in the mix of that. He told her that it's not appropriate and asked her how her moms fiancé would feel if she hung that up at her house. He threw it away. 
 

My fiancé's sister lived with him for a short period, had a bunch of stuff in storage- which she drug our and brought for her to keep. This was before me. He told her then she was not to hang it up, he didn't even want it there but at the time there was no me and he never saw it. When I came along we did room swaps, and she got her own room. She hung it up. He had her take it down and told her she  could keep it but would not be up on the wall. This was a while ago. The - back up it went.
 

I don't agree it's appropriate either, even with all the feedback- still don't think it should be hanging on her wall right above her bed. It's poster size on canvas. She's got plenty of other photos she has for keepsakes.