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I get this is for venting...BUT

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I am new here and my step parenting days are pretty much over, now that the kids are older. I get that this is a place for venting, but as I have been reading a good number of posts over the last few days, I am wondering if we are doing ourselves and others a favor, by just agreeing that Bio mom is always bad and wrong, and step kid is always dirty and dumb and mean . Venting is a good way to let off steam here instead of at home, agreed. But should our replies and answers not come from a more loving, understanding and encouraging to do and say the right thing- place? I had some resentments toward a difficult stepdaughter, and I made some mistakes, but I knew they were mistakes. I could only blame a kid so much. I could vent and understand how her behavior led me to act a certain way, but it did not justify it. One thing is to see and talk about how hard and stressful this is, but to indulge feelings of hate, disdain, dislike is not helpful. To tell someone who went off on a "bad" stepchild that they were right, besides not knowing what really goes on, does not help anyone, in my opinion. These are kids. They use the limited resources they have to let us and bio parent know that it's hard. It's hard for step daughter, when it shows that I care more for my own. It's hard for step child when we make a list to bio dad of how bad they are, so that they are on our side. It's hard for them when in so many words we tell dear husband they better choose us over them.
Yeah, we need to vent, but we could help one another be better at this.

Jsmom's picture

If you don't like the posts or the replies don't read them. My SD15 has made my life hell and I will not apologize to anyone over my reaction to her. I come here so I can vent, so that I don't divorce my husband and his kids. It is for venting. If you don't like the vents don't read the site.

aggravated1's picture

And please don't think you can "fix" us. We aren't idiots or sadists, and most of us have tried as hard as possible until we grew tired of being a doormat.
I really resent people that come on here and act like they can spiel some words from a thrift store psychology book and abracadabra, everything is alllllllll better.

twopines's picture

>>>by just agreeing that Bio mom is always bad and wrong,<<<

I have never agreed that DH's ex is always bad and wrong, so you can stuff that somewhere else.

stormabruin's picture

Not everyone just agrees that BM is always bad & wrong, or that step kid is always dirty & dumb & mean.

Many comments have been deleted & many entire blogs have been deleted because of the ugly that has resulted from differing views & opinions.

Many replies do come from a loving, understanding & encouraging place.

I don't dare suggest that all of them do. I will abolutely acknowledge that there are enablers here, but I will also say that as stepparents who are nowhere near the end of our stepparenting days, sometimes we just need a place to voice our anger, our disgust, & our hurt feelings. If you're a stepparent, I would hardly believe that you, yourself, have never felt the above.

We all come from different avenues & face different situations. We all deal with different people, & unlike your situation, many here do have grown stepchildren who still continue to wreak havok on their homes & marriages. It sounds like you're fortunate in your situation that things worked out, but it doesn't always get easier when the kids grow up.

Like I said, there are some enablers here, but just the same as people we deal with in the workforce, church, schools, etc, there are all kinds anywhere you go.

Coming to a site as a new member to admonish others for their approach in situations you are unfamiliar with...people aren't going to be open to trying to understand where you're coming from. I'm not saying you aren't coming from a good place...just that this approach probably isn't going to be the most effective in getting your point across.

I would put money on saying that by the time I get my thoughts down, there will already be a number of people ready to knock you off your high horse & put you in your place.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Wow. What reactions. I should be able to express my opinion . I am a step parent and have been through a lot of what I have been reading. I may actually have something valuable to say. I am not a judging and pointing fingers; nor do my opinions come from some book. I just know that for me, most challenges brought on by my step , where things that I needed to work on. I am not saying this is the case for everyone, but it should not be discarded a priori. Vent away, it helps and you have every right to, but I won't be pushed away that easily.

aggravated1's picture

No one is trying to push you away. Post all you want. But when you come on a site like this, and use your very first post to tell everyone how your way is so much better like we are all fools who have never tried it, you are going to get some push back.

It's a little ludicrous to start a post with It's ok to vent, BUT...... on a vent site and not expect people to tell you to shove it.

stormabruin's picture

You absolutely are able to express your opinion, & in return others are expressing their opinions toward your opinions.

I hope this doesn't push you away. The variety of views & opinions are what make this site a great place.

The tone of your delivery is what sparked the tone of the replies. You're not the first to take this approach, & God knows you won't be the last.

There are a lot of hurt & angry people here & that's something that needs to be considered before you address a group for having crappy attitudes.

I personally am not one to high-five or enable. I don't support the idea of wallowing in self-pity & playing the victim. I love my stepkids but I loathe their mother. I love my husband, & he respects me & will support me as parent-figure in our home. However, not everyone is so fortunate. There are SM's who don't have supportive husbands...whose husbands guilt-parent. I have read about SM's whose stepkids have spit in their hairbrushes, have destroyed SM's personal property, have destroyed hard long hours of artwork, have stolen from them...the list goes on.

Each of us has our own story, & we come here to share. We don't all encourage hate toward kids. We don't all blame the BM's. If you'll take some time to really read, you'll see SM's posting their frustrations because their spouses/so's are the ones to blame.

Like I said, I hope that this thread won't push you away. Just understand that when a hurt frustrated SM is reading your words, scolding her for her approach is not going to be taken well.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

Storm--were you referring to the sm who had the sd that destroyed the sculpture she worked months on preparing for an artshow or contest when you referred to stepkids destroying art?

I dont remember sm's name, but I wonder how she is and did she ever make to her art show. I remember she cried and cried from the hurt. I still think about her. I felt her pain through each word.

Stepmom_Lori's picture

That SM was Asher10. She hasn't been around in a while. I'm hoping she's doing well.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Not on a high horse. I am used to being the one voicing the unpopular point of view . The vulgarity of the responses is all that surprised me a bit. That's ok. The world needs all kinds and we are always learning.

giveitago's picture

Wow, jenw, that's something else! I was advised by one counsellor to leave and another one showed me comfortable/acceptable ways to circumvent my situations.

Before seeing counsellors I was in dire straits too, one day SS15 removed a knife from his twin sister's hand and blood actually hit the kitchen ceiling! It's still there, I did not remove it and when they started fighting subsequently I just look up at the ceiling. Anyhow, I was reluctant to call the cops because I know SS would be the one arrested since SD is so manipulative and DH would go ballistic at the injustice of it all so I prayed hard. A pastor actually pulled up at our house, took SD outside and gave her a hearing and a good talking to. Bless that man, heaven sent or what?

What I learned from counselling is that respect and boundaries are important, both ways, and positive reinforcement is good for kids and negative behaviors elicit negative consequences. I also learned not to respond in anger, something I had long forgotten to practice since my bio kids are grown, and I learned how to out manipulate SD. I had become complacent and more trusting which opened me up to phsycho manipulations...once I got a handle on that I was good. Acceptance is a key too, I quit trying to change SKid's behaviors but I did set a good example to them. I do what I need to do and enjoy life no matter what they all do! I honestly believe that when they are grown they will think back, already I am seeing introspection with SD who is now 17.

I did have the audacity to ask one counsellor which bleeding heart, wishy washy, liberal bible I should be reading bad!

hbell0428's picture

I have had SP's and I have been a SM for nearly 13 years along with 3 bios 5years to 12.
I have spent years trying to teach and instill the kind of things I teach MY own children (yes, they still do wrong stuff) but when this SD14 basically looks at me time after time after time and basically tells me to piss off!! or walks right by me like I don't even exist; or everytime she talks only address's daddy. We have her FT her mother is a piece of CRAP!! Seeing her maybe 2 times a month and sends maybe 100 every so often. I give her rides; go to her games, all the things a parent SHOULD BE DOING. I am patient with DH - (he has finally seen her dark side). SD makes BD cry she is so mean, steals her stuff. lies and lies and lies. answer your question! No, I come hear to vent and it feels PRETTY DAMN GOOD KNOWING I AM NOT ALONE!! Smile

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Rereading the responses I stand corrected about the vulgarity. The aggressive tone gave it all that feeling.

BellaMia's picture

Oy... Sounds like to me you are oversensitive and that this isn't the place for you. That's OK. There are times when even regulars likely have to take a break from the venting. But if you can't deal with it at all, there's the door. It really is OK.

On another note: I really hate when people act like EVERYONE has to get along, agree, and make s'mores together. We don't and we WON'T. Such is life. Damn.

giveitago's picture

To all of us here who have anguished, and still loved our SKids regardless of what they have done I say let's VENT!! Even knowing that I am not alone in the crap that ensues from being a step mom is a big help to me. I do try to keep negativity out of my posts but, you know what? Some days, on balance, are negative. It's really not helpful to go and bitch to DH about his cherubs. It's not helpful to go to family members here to bitch, with the exception of MIL (who is wonderful and knows the entire situation) but even burdening her is not something I like to do.
Now, stepfamilyfriend, it would be much more helpful if you would share with us poor unfortunate souls here who are in the midst of all this 'venting' how you managed to overcome a particular situation, rather than just preach at us from a standpoint of having come through this. Empathy, I think, is the word I was looking for, yes, please have some empathy or we will not know you have really been where any of us are.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I do have empathy. Sorry for the ruffled feathers. You are right that I should posts some real life situations and that would be much more helpful.
I will just give you the general background for now. Met my partner when my daughter was 7 and his was 9.5 he also had a 15 year old boy. Bio mom was not a big problem; a few issues, but nothing major. Stepson was easy and I know our luck there. Stepdaughter took most of her anger out on my daughter, who did not even know how to fight. It would break my heart. She scared my daughter to where she would not even tell me what was done to her. I resented her and sometimes tried to get even. We had screaming and throwing and calling bio mom in the middle of it all and horrible name calling and all. I needed friends to hear me out and tell me she was wrong and I was doing my best. I also needed friends to remind me that I was the grown up and she the child. I needed both , that is my I'll received point.

giveitago's picture

We are all folks here, with feathers! Sometimes a white feather can be helpful in many of the situations, the thing there, though, is that we have to 'suck it up' and because we are only human that hurts our feelings. Now, where better than this site to come when we have to do that? Sometimes it does feel like being a doormat, sometimes it feels like taking the higher ground too. We all are susceptible to our perspectives, being human as we are...we are all human...right?? I know that some days things will bother me more than others so any time I feel like a venting' I can come here and NO ONE will judge me.

BellaMia's picture

A word of advice: This little nugget is and will remain lost here in this thread. If you feel like sticking around, you should probably start anew with another post where you don't attack other stepparents in the room.

hbell0428's picture

Well said! Smile I place bitter post and comments on here at times......but I follow with......"Sorry I have become a bitter B* these days!" LOL or something like that!!

giveitago's picture

I am curious, stepfamily friend, did you have any of the experiences with all that the double teaming of SKids and BM, along with wussy husbands or boyfriends, it is a constant theme here among us?
I, too, am coming to the end of my step parenting days. I really do empathise with a lot of folks here. We have a juvenile delinquent girl here and a self emancipated boy who are twins and that was 'double trouble' for us. I could share some absolute horror stories that would make anyone cringe away from a man with kids! I love my husband and, God help me, but I love my SKids too.

3terriers's picture

If you don't like it, don't read. This site is better than therapy. If I didn't have this outlet I would combust.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

" if you don't like it don't read"
That is just bad advice. I read what I like and what I don't, so I know what is out there. I don't selectively read what agrees with my ideas; not for politics, ethics and not for family issues. You may want to try that sometimes.

I never addressed what people vent, only some of the advice. We only write/ hear part of the story and any advice should given with that in mind.

BellaMia's picture


stepfamilyfriend's picture

While your question is sarcastic, I will try and answer as if you meant me to.
It is a big question about a situation I know nothing about. If your hope is to change anyone, you may just getting disappointed over and over again and resent that your efforts aren't paying off. The fact that your first concern about bio mom is her ill treatment of her children seems to say that you care about them quite a bit. If her treatment of the kids is abusive and they express it to you, I would let them know that this is not normal and that they ought to be treated well. I would try and keep it as simple and short as that and show them that you care. If they mostly feel loved by mom, I would not speak about her, but make general statements about what is ok and what isn't.
Where bio dad is in relation to all this obviously matters and could change things a lot.

Unhappy's picture

This site has halped me and probably saved my relationship with my SO. Yes there is a lot of negativity but there is also a lot of great advise. I would have never known that you could go to email contact only with a crazy ex-wife. When I have issues with the kids I can post on here and the other people on this site can assist with coming up with a suitable punishment when I am at wits end. They can also assist me with seeing a situation from a different light. Inspiring me to think outside the box.

The fact of the matter is you came out on top. Many of us won't. Many of us were never and will never be given the chance. It's hard to find love in your heart when you're being sh!t on constantly. I think that you may want to take a second and let us enlighten you. Things are different for everybody and not everybody views and handles things the same way. Have you ever dealt PAS? Do you have any idea of how damaging that is on a child not mention the other parent? Have you walked into a situation where prenting meant do what ever you want kids? Have you ever dealt with a controlling, crazy(and I mean nut job), personalilty disordered ex wife?It's not easy and we know that. We do what we can for each other here.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I'll just repeat some of what I wrote in later posts. I have not been in all these situations, but have had my share . At 10, my SD called me names I had never heard a child use before. At 14, with a smile she told me the best memory she had in life was the look on my face the first time she told me F. you. She told my daughter her puppy had died. She hid my things. There is much more.
Again, my point was not that venting was bad, on the contrary. My point was that when posting to offer empathy and help, it may be best to aim at the high route. If you aim there, you may never get there, but you will get somewhere in that general direction. If you aim elsewhere, well, aim away.

paul_in_utah's picture

Hey, Rainbow Brite! Why don't you "aim" yourself back in the general direction of Rainbow Land?

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Ya well, call me what you like. You , on the other hand, are just rude. Good luck with your real problems, if an internet post gets to you....

stepfamilyfriend's picture

You don't know a thing. I am only on one other forum that has nothing to do with parenting or families, but relates to my hobby. Trolling is when you just try to cause problems . That is not my aim. Yeah, given the general tone I may well not hang out for long, but I am not one to be bullied out. I stumbled on here because I had a question that I posted regarding a friend and I got no answer. You probably did not even read my posts on this thread. I have lived through a very difficult step child situation and some of the problems expressed here are not unfamiliar to me. I think you are more likely in rainbowland if you really believe that you have no resposibility in these relationships. I made some big mistakes and my gut was telling me at the time, but I was pushed to my limit. If I can help anyone not make my same mistakes, big IF, I know, why would you have a problem with that?

hismineandours's picture

Honestly I think that many of us HAVE taken the high road. I know I have. I DONT call ss13 names, use physical force, or do mean things to him. The worst I do is ignore him and not do things for him. I've known him since he was 1-I was his primary parent for many years while his parents where unavailable for their various reasons. He told me just 6 weeks ago-that he just wants nothing to do with me and he wants his dad to divorce me. This is not new I've heard it plenty before. I could have turned to him and told him I wished his dad never spoke to him again and never had him as a son. But I didnt. When he threatened in detail how he was going to murder my son-I took the high road and took him to get some psychiatric help. When he continually stole my panties and bras and took them to school to show his pals, I took the high road and gave him a consequence of missing out on extracurriculars instead of calling him a little freak like I really wanted to on the inside.

For me, continually taking the high road is what makes my presence here so invaluable. I do not have to censor my thoughts-if I want to refer to him as a little asshole I can do so-because truthfully he is a little asshole-but I am not the kind of person to spew that at him so I do it here. If people started coming on here all the time and telling me how bad I was for referring to him in that manner and telling me I needed to work harder on things as he was just a child-then it would just serve to send me the message that once again it is ME and that I need to be doing something about it. It is because *I* am not a good enough sm, not loving enough, not empathetic enough, not patient enough, etc, etc, etc-I am not sure how that would be beneficial to me or anyone in any manner. It would simply make me think I needed to go back and work harder than anyone else in the situation, continually accept blame for a situation I did not create and had only minimal control over, and would continue to allow others to continue their unhealthy behaviors and patterns as they would have me as their scapegoat. This place has been invaluable to me in giving me both the freedom and balls to say what I really think.

stepfamilyfriend's picture a response to my "other forum"? I don't know what you mean. Do you have me confused with someone else? Or did you respond to my question I posted yesterday about a family I know and their issues? Am i the only one lost here?

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I found the post. Thanks for replying to that one. I came here to look for advice on that issue, then I waited for a day and read here and there and posted this thread today.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I question the wisdom of some of the replies. I did not address or criticize anyone in particular. Offering a different perspective may upset some but is healthy on the whole. But I think you all are right. I do not belong here.
Good luck, and i mean that sincerely. Bye.

stormabruin's picture

"I did not address or criticize anyone in particular. "
Perhaps that's part of the issue. If you read something that bothers you or that you want to express an opinion about, address that person or that topic. Posting a blanket all-inclusive "shame on you" is going to result in a mass backlash, whereas if you address something in particular, that person has an oppotunity to respond or further explain should they wish to. Addressing an entire group with such a general complaint with the negative pointing-fingers undertone pretty much guarantees a barage of negative replies.

I, & many others, will agree that different perspectives are what help a number of the people here.

As has been mentioned, you are not the first to take this approach, & you certainly will not be the last.

I don't necessarily believe that you don't belong here. You have experienced things that others here are experiencing & are looking for help & advice...suggestions for things to try. You have that to offer. I would only suggest that you make some adjustment to the delivery of your words.

alwaysanxious's picture

boo hiss

giveitago's picture

Skids maybe, once they grow up a bit and realize where they really did have the best deal but BM2?? NOOOOOOOOO chance!! One of the BM's, there are two in our life, is great and very welcome in our house, as are her family members too, but the other one....hell no!!

giveitago's picture

I honestly think that anyone who wants to be a critic here needs to take a step back, and actually look at what is said. A lot of it is basically VENT which is typed by emotionally charged people who are VENTING...they could just wreak havoc at home and cause irreparable rifts between parents and children??

So what if we say mean things? So what if we think BM is crazy? this is an outlet for righteous indignation, justifiable anger etc. etc....

Personally, I can substantiate a lot of the things I say about SKids and BM but this site is anonymous...right?? I would like to think that we all have our rational aspects to us, and that we do actually take responsibility for our actions, or lack thereof. I imagine that most of us are acutely aware that we can be irrational at times, we're all human ...right??

Kes's picture

There is a quote from William Blake, the mystic, who said "He who would do good to another must do it in Minute Particulars: general Good is the plea of the scoundrel, hypocrite and flatterer".

Stepfamily friend - my feeling is that instead of climbing on a soapbox and proclaiming to us that to "indulge our feelings of hate, disdain, dislike is not helpful" - you could try and get alongside just one or two of us and with empathy try and imagine our plight and help us by making one or two realistic observations or suggestions in a spirit of humility rather than hubris. Our hate and dislike is often all we are clinging on to to save us from falling into the abyss of despair and self doubt.
I for one went through a catastrophic nervous breakdown as a result of unbearable family pressures over a number of years, and I imagine a lot of my fellow posters are only just holding it together. Negative though they may be, anger and rage sometimes need to be expressed and this is a totally appropriate place to express them. Long may it continue to be the place we step parents bang our heads against the wall.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I said good bye, and here I am again, so call me on it.
Kes, fair enough. Point well taken. My approach has fault and I get that. I thought that instead of replying to a particular post in a way that could irk someone, I would do better by starting this thread, but you are correct that just general pleads for doing good don't help at all. What prompted my original post, was reading around, and thinking about when I was in similar situations, and what would and would have not helped me. When I vented to a friend about the incredible wrongs I was subjected to,as well as my own daughter, I left out what to me were details that meant little in the big picture of wrongs. Those little details were the main picture in my step daughters eyes, and her wrongs were just minor details to her. If we came back to one another, fueled by input of respective friends, who only heard us, we would have renewed resentment and anger. So, here I am, thinking that maybe it would help to keep in mind, that we just know a part of the situation, in many cases. And maybe a lot of advice here is given with that in mind and if I read more and waited to post, I would know.
Thanks Ripley for the kind response.

giveitago's picture

Yes indeed Kes, I still hold back on here with all the stuff that transpires with SKids,

It does make a difference knowing that I am not going crazy, that other people have similar situations and, if we can all be here for each other then that's a good thing.
I do not want to overburden my already overworked DH with my 'emotional' outbursts and responses. I am painfully aware that they are his children, and sometimes of the bias that is a natural response, which the kids cashed in on big time! I am also fortunate that he does stand for me in cases where he feels they are unjust towards me too. All in all life has improved as the kids got older.

I feel the need to vent when an apology is not forthcoming for an injustice done to me personally, by SKids or DH. I am aware that taking things personally is not a good thing but there are limits to human endurance, I see that a lot of us are pushed beyond the limits and need to vent here, to salve our own hurt feelings. I am aware that sometimes I might sound like a mean person. I really appreciate folks here not judging me so that I can get back to being a responsible step parent in the living situation. Thank you all x

joanie's picture

I can find what you're talking about at any parent site.

I can't vent and rant when I'm fed up, anywhere else, without being attacked for it.

giveitago's picture

Hey, onmyway, I have been reading posts more of late and commenting more too! Damn, this is a good distraction when I am feeling like exploding at the situations ongoing here. SS 17 came with us for a visit to his Grandma's and had the audacity to ask her for the baby bonds she is holding for the kids when they come of age. He wants a truck! He might feel bad about the incident when he discovers his Grandma is in hospital at the moment, I doubt it though. Self centred little a$$hole emancipated himself a year ago and lives at a friends' house but still wants the privelages of being at home? I know discussing this with DH would lead to us strongly dissagreing, verging on quarreling because of the stress we are all under right now soooooooooo here I VENT!

I agree that some situations I read on here do seem to be constantly ongoing, and some might be irreconcileable, though it's really not for me to tell someone to divorce or separate.

giveitago's picture

LOL Kes, yes indeed! Oh, and I am suspicious of any 'do gooder' who appears holier than thou. We come here to bang our heads because it's safer than doing it at home, at home it causes fights,gives kids the upper hand and general mayhem ensues. Kids are so enabled by our liberal society that it seems like you cannot even look at them quizzicaly without child protective services calling round!
Our girl was put on a time out in the back yard and she kicked the door so hard she was going to break the glass panels. DH went out to her but she dashed past him, pulled her hair out and put marks on herself and called the cops. DH was taken to jail! The one cop in our district who had not encountered her actually believed her story. The DA took one look at our girl's juvenile file and dismissed the case. After DH was taken to jail I refused to be in the house alone with the girl, I called her older sister to come and collect her and I waited in the street until the sister arrived. Now, stepfamilyfriend, do you understand what some of us go though?

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I understand some of it. Again, maybe for the fourth time, iwill repeat that I have not expressed that there is anything wrong with any of the venting, no matter what the tone or the language, because that is what venting is. Can we get past that, since it is a non issue?
I found some of the REPLIES to be less than helpful ( other than a temporary validation), and possibly even leading to more damage.
The REPLIES, not the venting, ok?

12yrstepmonster's picture

Should you ever see a vent from me, and think you might have something valuable I can use to make it through the next set of situations please give it to me!

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I have posted three days ago, read around a little longer but not much. the lenghth of time I have been on here does not equate with the years I have been a step parent. You want to pick on me, without reading all my posts on this thread, fine, but I will respond.I am not a brand new step parent with a joyful, hopeful outlook, thinking I can teach you all. I do have years of experience. Addressing some of your post....
"tried to win these children over.." not a good idea.
"" turn one's cheek countless times" not a good idea-
"endured" not a good idea.

Posting general do good implorations, without having spent more time here, was not a good idea and I already expressed my understanding of this. Posting angry replies without reading the entire thread, or choosing to ignore most of it, so you can attack me, not a good idea either. If all it takes is someone like me to just piss you off like this, and call one names, and get defensive and ugly, then maybe you do have a lot to learn, even from me. While I have had to find reserves of compassion and empathy in my life,I don't "endure", "turn my cheek", or "try to win you over". I try to respond fairly. aware that my initial impulse may feel right, but may not be the wisest choice. Hence this post. But hey,I should be able to vent too, right?

giveitago's picture

"tried to win these children over.." not a good idea.
"" turn one's cheek countless times" not a good idea-
"endured" not a good idea.


I would like to point out that your advice 'not a good idea' is accurate but you have failed to apply the practicalities of the's pie in the sky!

I would not purposely endeavor to 'win a child over', that plays right into their manipulative little hands! I agree with that one but...

Have you been physically attacked by a step child, towards whom 'turning the other cheek was not a good idea'? Or have you voiced opinions when endurance levels are merely nudged, not actually pushed to the limits?
Do you actually know anything about borderline personality disorder in a teenager? Narcissistic personality disorder has been mentioned too. DH and I have consulted with several psychiatrists and therapists on the issues of sociopath children. DH and I are not bad parents, nor are we whiny liberals or strict authoritarians. The five hours of gruelling evaluations we underwent will attest to our abilities as parents and, indeed, as people, so please do not presume to tell me what, or what is not, a 'good idea' when we have experienced so much and done a great deal of positive work with our kids here. I can prove I am a good person and parent...LOL I can prove I am sane too...can you stepfamilyfriend? (tongue in cheek here...)

stepfamilyfriend's picture

If you reply to me with an attitue, don't be too surprised to get one back.
...."please do not presume to tell me what, or what is not, a 'good idea'" .Well, don't presume you know what I have and have not gone through; don't tell me I should learn and not teach. Given where I am in relation to step parenting, maybe i have more to teach you than to learn, if you want to leave the Kumbaya out of this. Spending your time attacking me here isn't going to help you a bit. If my expressing that our replies and advice ought to consider more than just validating an fueling, bothers you so much, then don't waste your energy. You should not need me to agree with you. I don't even know what you disagree with, and that is fine at this point.

giveitago's picture


If I were to respond to you with 'attitude' you really would have no problem identifying at such. I do not like resorting to lowering myself. However, it was you who presumed to tell us what was/was not a 'good idea' and I agreed with you. In principle they are 'not good' ideas but in practice they are not always workable.

Validating and fuelling, yes, that happens a lot in human nature and I really do not see a problem with it on an online forum. If it means that we do not rip out the entrails of our spawn of satan SKids or the crazy psycho BM's then I say so be it, and a huge THANK YOU for being able to get out the frustratons and the ill feelings.
The bottom line in this forum, though, is that this is a place to vent and I think the validating is part of the non judgemental way we view each other. I believe that many of us here love our husbands and SKids, and are good people who get to the end of their patience, hence we VENT.

When someone makes an entry to the forum with negativity actually directed towards the people using this forum then, I don't know what to tell you? People on here are already aggravated, right? That has just been demonstrated by dignifying responses...right? I am speculating here that maybe you just like 'the last word'...LOL have at it if that's the bottom line for you.

At this moment I am aggravated by a 19 year old who is coasting, not in school, not working, not doing the allocated contributary work around the house to earn the roof over his head and the food in his belly and who wants his GED paid for, gets his vehicle insurance paid for and wants to be adopted in order to qualify for education benefits. I did the 'I would like you to make your contributions to the house a priority' thing. I also said 'I like it when you demonstrate your 'ocd' when cleaning the opposed to it not being done. Now, given all that 'positive' (pass me a puke bag please) input I am sorely tempted to tell the morose, lazyassed little MF to get out of my house and never darken the door again...which would not be 'nice' of me...right? Instead of doing that I will come in here and express my 'negative' attitude, I am grateful that the folks here accept my outburst for what it really is, and do not judge me as a person. The fact is that we managed nicely with all the stuff that needed to be done before he came here, yet society says we should 'encourage' the youth, and a host of other bleeding heart, wishy washy, liberal stuff that I, honestly, truly, believe just enables the little brats and invalidates the adults/parents/caregivers or whomever. When did society begin to suck up to kids and help to create some of the monsters we have to deal with? BAH!

What some people call negative I prefer to call reality. Negative emotions occurr in the best of us...anyone who will stand right in front of me, tell me they are always 'positive' I will call them a liar to their faces.
I believe that it's when we get constant negative impacts on us that we have to 'suck up for the greater good' it gets too much to bear and then we come here with the rants about the people who instigate those feelings within us, I seriously doubt that many of us enjoy the negative feelings being brought out in us. We are all human, with feelings that people go out of their way to hurt and responding to these people in kind is not a good idea we vent!
I have no ill feelings towards you, stepfamilyfriend. I really do take exception to anyone 'informing' me what I should/should not do, or imposing a belief on me, or just NOT agreeng to differ. I do not presume anything on here, but I do bear in mind that oftentimes we can be an angry bunch and if you do happen to attack someone then I'd reccomend you be better prepared for responses such as you have gotten. Ohhh yeah...LOL rising above stuff is NOT easy to do, taking the 'higher ground' or 'being the adult' is sometimes extremely difficult when our own sense of self is attacked. It really does all boil down to SELF and I, personally, believe that we are all selfish but when we are surrounded by those who are selfish in the extreme, mean and nasty to boot, then we get the sense of imbalance and object and protest, it's natural to be indignant. Who, in reality, wants to appear to be a lesser person? Who wants to lose sight of themselves? I think that venting is the reaction to the assault on our own selves by others and it's better than giving satisfaction to the people who go out of their way to provoke us because they are so nasty and they want nasty misery likes company?

Just sayin'

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Fair enough. Thanks for taking the time to write your meaningful response. I addressed the faults if my original post, but I don't think I owe an apology.
Look, my dismissal, in a way, of trying to win over, turning the other cheek and such, don't mean that I have not done that. I have and I am sure I still do in many ways. I addressed it the way I did, because when I respond to you, I am also responding to everybody else here, including those that from the start have accused me and labeled me, as being an all positive, lala land person, etc. So I wanted to get out of the way, that I do not advocate passively taking any kind of abuse. That's where my quick, possibly rude, reply came from.
In general though, sometimes we get complacent and if someone stirs the pot, irregardless of intention , they get attacked. It's like the love it it leave it thing. I don't agree with that either.
Believe me, I have had and still have plenty of resentment. I don't advocate kumbaya. I am in a position to now look back, for the most part, and see what worked and what did not, what feelings are left after the storms, what was done to me and what I did. I read some replies to other posts that concerned me, and instead of causing an issue in an individual thread, I addressed the issue at large. Probably not a wise idea, but not deserving vitriol either. Hopefully I will ne able to share some of my experiences , once this thread calms down. I don't need the last word, but I will defend myself when I think it's due. Please read my posts, where I admit to seeing the faults and shortcomings to my approach. What I stand by is that the value of what I say , does not depend on my time spent on the forum.

giveitago's picture

It's cool with me, I say some pretty off the wall stuff when I percieve an attack too! That is the whole point of this site, we can be as off the wall as we like because we have the degree of anyonymity...LOL. I am fairly sure that it's a 'storm in a teacup' anyhow. I just think that identifying with a problem someone has and not judging them is a distinct plus, especially when it's reciprocated. Soooo...throw in a couple of facetious remarks just for good measure...cathartic ones mind you!! LOL
I have no doubt that there will be disagreements, in such a large forum of people we are many and varied but we all have a common link...that being SKids and BM's who would drive a saint to distraction. It's not prudent to give vent...AKA these people and there really is only so much a human being can tolerate soooooo when it gets to be too much...

I hope things run smoothly but I know from experience that sh1t will hit the fan again at some point. so grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg when it does!!

Sometimes just recognizing a wrongdoing and making amends is sufficient needs to be because I am married to one of THE most stubborn men on the planet...LOL I am not stubborn...I am RESOLUTE!!

gwenancy's picture

I am quite disappointed at all the remarks on here. I agree that there needs maybe to be more constructive advice. I have vented and said some terrible things and no-one has judged me so why are people being so unpleasant!?

To be honest, I'd like to hear from someone whose done it. I wouldn't want to say "there's the door"!! Shouldn't we be welcoming advice?

Stepfamilyfriend has a valid point; venting is fine but maybe we aren't always helping each other by everyone piling on. I've been waiting for someone to say "have you tried didn't work for me but may help you".

I like venting; its good for the soul and when I have vented I feel a little happier about carrying on my day but it would be nice to hear some positivity? That there is some light at this long long dark tunnel??

Just a thought Smile

Jsmom's picture

We have had countless people come on here and admonish us for being negative about our Stepkids and our situation. That is why it is a venting site. Those of us that have been here for a long time, know that we will be here long after you. You may not like what is said here to you, but when you come into a situation admonishing people, you will get your hand slapped.

Again, if you don't like the tone of the site, please feel free to try Cafemom and Ivillage. Ivillage is negative to Steps and Cafemom, everyone is very happy all the time. I am sure one of these sites will work better for you. But, please stop trying to tell all of us how to vent and discern the advice that is given to us. I take all the advice that I am given and read it thoroughly. I take what everyone says and use what works for me in my life. It has saved my marriage and my relationship with my SS.

No one likes to be told that they are doing everything wrong and the tone of your post was exactly that. So don't act surprised that you have had the response you have.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Jsmom, if you don't like the tone of my post, feel free to not post here.
You lost any credibility the moment you told me to move on to a site that is negative toward step parents. Please.

Jsmom's picture

Because honestly you sound like a BM....And you were negative in your original posts about SM. So honestly, Ivillage may be a nice fit for you.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

You continue to lose credibility if you try and discredit me the way you do. I am a mother and a step mother and that, if anything, gives me a well rounded approach. Now quit stalking me, because it is not making you look good.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

It's not the site for me because you don't want me here?
You doubt my being a stepmom....I don't want to gave to convince you. My advice, on the other thread, to just let it go, is sound and more productive, given the particular circumstances. If you are leaving a relationship, let this stuff go. She us having a hard time and can't be blamed, so telling her it's better to let these things go, is more helpful than pushing to engage in a battle over it. How is that not clear as day?

Jsmom's picture

Another post about a SD not taking a shower. She told the SM that she was already out the door, so let it go. Sounds like a BM. The OP was trying to vent and she was basically telling her to leave already and that she had no rights on this one.

Sorry but if my SK smells from not taking a shower, I am going to get involved or they will not be around me or the rest of my household.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I did not say she did not have the right to. When someone is planning to leave, hates her life and resorts to drinking, it is pretty sound to say to let it go. Stand up for yourself and your kids, but do let the details go. I think that would help lessen the aggravation. Why waste your energy?

giveitago's picture

Well, I just enjoyed a fantatic meal. Our resident chef did cornish hens in red sauce, with angel hair pasta, spiced up green beans, and a huge cob of corn...topped off with chocolate vanilla cake! YUM! Now, well in a little while, the dishwasher can step up to the plates (pardon the pun).

I am going for a nap, y'all play nice while I am gone.

giveitago's picture

Did it occurr to anyone that venting really does not require 'advice' responses? I do see some folks specifically ask for advice and when I see them I will offer my ten cents (it used to be two cents but inflation 'n all) Basically I believe we are doing OK as long as we can VENT our frustrations. I like to try to help folks if I can but oftentimes they are feeling the same way as I am sooooooo the bottom line is we get ourselves back to a state of mind to deal with the day to day stuff and keeping our sanity by VENTING here. Occasionally if someone stays down for too long I will administer a virtual swift kick, good natured of course. Dishwasher stepped up to the plates, for a good job! I did have a word with him about stress levels and a family member in hospital etc. sooooooo he figures and understands that he'd be the scapegoat if he fell short. We are turning stuff around gradually...hell's teeth, I'd hate to completely shock the teenage system...LOL..hmmmm or would I?

cat72196's picture

I'd love to see this post quit being bumped to the top. I think almost all of us can agree that if we HADN'T already tried the "love and patience approach," we wouldn't NEED to vent so badly. This has already gotten more attention than it deserves, and although I realize I'm now guilty for that as well, pleeeeeeease can we just let it die?!