I think I do that. I love my SD but I think that I am really guarded around her. I know that she talks bad about me to her BM because that is what BM wants to hear. Plus she acts bratty when she isn't getting all of her dad's attention. But it works for us for now. :?

I think that's what I do with SS14. We have him 50/50, every other week. I'm pretty much disengaged. His Dad follows up with school, is taxi, cooks for him, etc. The week he's here, I'm cordial, but try to ignore him for the most part, looking forward the the week without him.

absolutely.

Neither mom or dad will handle the SD issues appropriately. When dad complains now, I just smile and nod. "I'm so sorry. You must be so frustrated"
Bad grades= "Oh I'm sure she'll bring those grades up."
Didn't make the bed as usual - "Oh, you can help her with that the next time she visits"
blah blah blah blah blah

SD hinting at help or favors. I just say nothing.

That is how I describe life when bf has his kids...co-exist. But in my case it has very little to do with the kids. They aren't bad kids. But how he acts when they are around is just not something I can pay too much attention to without getting frustrated, sick, etc. It's getting to the point where I don't want to spend any time with them at ALL. First, I drop to the bottom of his list. Sometimes not even on it. That affects my kids, because they drop off with me. Second, his whole world becomes his kids, which I don't think is healthy. Third, he does too much for them, which only buys into the bm treating them like babies. Fourth, he allows the 7 yr old to act like a baby. DRIVES ME NUTS. Fifth, he favors his girls over his son. Sixth, he feeds them crap and fills my fridge with the crap so it makes me have to tell my kids no when they want the crap. Seventh, he doesn't see how nobody matters but his kids. OMG one weekend my daughter told him he needed to buy his kids cereal bc they were staying at my house. He didn't. Then he let his daughters both eat two bowls of OUR cereal in the morning, leaving NONE for my kids! Eighth, after feeding HIS kids crap, he is super critical of my daughter's food intake, when he doesn't even know what he's talking about. (Example, we were eating ham and she had some inedible pieces and spit them out. She loves ham. She "didn't clean her plate..."?? But when he inspects his picky eater's plate, which he has to do so she can earn dessert, the hard pieces of asparagus and all the lasagna sauce can be left on the plate...??) I could go on...
But I hold my tongue constantly, just try to get through the day. I parent my kids and don't worry about what he does MOST of the time. When the girl acts like a baby, I remove myself. Literally. I moved at a basketball game to sit on different bleachers to avoid it. Thank the Lord there was lots of room. Luckily we are not married and I have my own place so I can totally not have to deal with them on their weekends. I learned after being sm in my marriage that it is NOT the life for me!

Wow-I just cant live this way anymore. I played this game for years during visits. And I just cant do it any longer. I've gotten to the point in my life in which I feel that it is a kind of dishonesty. If ss's behaviors were at least "ok" and we just werent particularly close I could see perhaps a coexistance and that being ok. But when he displays bad behaviors, attitudes, and so forth IN MY HOME I can just no longer be silent.

I would correct any other individual. If one of my kids had friends over tht behaved like ss-they'd be made to go home-quite frankly. My household, my rules. If you dont like them, get the hell out. If you cant get with the program, you dont need to be here.

Sometimes even if you feel you cant do anything about bad behaviors, just calling the kid out on them at least makes everyone aware that YOU dont think they are ok. I feel like I almost enabled my ss13 for years during visits as I ignored his inappropriate behaviors. As did my dh. It was almost like giving him the stamp of approval. You want to act like an asshole? Oh, ok, ss we wont say anything about it. Even in things that didnt directly affect ME-such as a failing grade when he was living with his bm-still indirectly affected me. I've got 3 other kids here whom I dont EVER want to think it is ok to make bad grades. I dont EVER want them to think if they make failing grades I and dh will just say nothing. So if nothing else saying something to ss about this becomes a teachable moment for MY kids. Even if he never changes a damn thing. It also lets him know that I am fully onto his game and dont buy into his bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like I really made the wrong type of decisions when disengaging. I almost made it easy for my ss to be a royal pain in the ass. I also made it easy for my dh to just continue his nonparenting approach.

My SS is in his early 20s so I realize that age makes a difference. But the key item is that I just don't care how pathetic his life is.

He's in jail and needs bond money? or is in jail because he has no money to pay a fine. So what.

He's homeless and no one has seen him in a few days. So what.

Even when we took him on a short trip (I have lifetime points for that) and I noticed that he smelled of booze at 10 in the morning. So what.

I just don't care how he ends up. Probably not going to be a good ending.

Honestly the first thing that will cross my mind when he turns up dead is how much is BM (who has plenty of funds) going to try to get from me to pay for her crotch dropping's funeral. I said "try to get" as the answer will be zero. I won't even send flowers.

Not sure how much more disengaged I could get. I don't hate him at all. I feel sorry for him sometimes as he is kind of sweet. But he is damaged beyond repair. He's not mine. I didn't conceive him by opening my legs on a ONS. I am not his crappy BM, and I refuse to clean up her droppings.

I disengaged years ago and don't even bother smiling - I greet my SDs civilly when they come EOW, but apart from that, I have very little to do with them. So you could say we co-exist - they don't get in my face and I don't get in theirs.
I seem to recall, hbello, you have yours all the time - and this must make it much more difficult. My SDs are similar ages to yours - 15 and nearly 17. I actually can't stand the sight of either of them. It used to just be SD15 who caused all the trouble and I got along ok-ish with SD16, but for the last year SD16 has been a complete nightmare.