You are here

I am terrified of BM

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Wed, 10/20/2021 - 9:37pm

Forums: 
General Discussion

So I have realized that I'm terrified of SD's BM. When we have to see her I can't sleep the night before, or after because I find it very overwhelming and draining. When we get contact from her I can feel my pulse skyrocket. I've resorted to trying to avoid her in person by making excuses to be out of the house but I think this is only going to make it worse (and is also bad for SD, as I'm the only one who seems to struggle with this). I'm low conflict/collaborative personality type and it's just not compatible, even if things are generally civil in person, the other communications are generally not on the inbound side.

I find her to be confusing (I think some people refer to the behavior I'm struggling with as gaslighting, but it's just a lot of very inconsistent messaging and blaming), condescending and myopic. We cause all of SDs issues in her eyes, BM is the perpetual victim. She treats DH and I like we are idiots and...while we are far from perfect...we aren't morons. 

I don't want to go the next 15 or so years being scared of this person who shouldn't be taking up any space in my head.

Any tips?

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 2:37am

Our BM died a few years ago but I well remember my intense feeliings about her.  Like you, I'm a low-conflict person whereas BM was highly volatile.  She poisoned, or tried to poison, my relationships with the SKs and I still resent her for that.   She caused untold damage to our relationship and in our home.  She manipulated every possible dime out of DH and it was still never enough.  She shamelessly used the kids for her purposes then dumped them on us.  I have never had such an intense hatred for another person.

At the same time, I had a morbid curiosity about her.  When she dropped the kids off, I'd peer thru the curtains to see how she looked.  She was an attractive person with great legs and a wonderful tan.  I was always afraid she'd be able to lure DH back altho I saw no indication of it from him, or, truthfully, her, either.  I guess it was all in my head.  I knew how much he loved his kids and imagined she'd be able to use that if she wanted him back.  In actuality, she was pregnant by her BF within a month of the divorce.

I now regret all the time, brain space and emotion I expended thinking about her.  But, our feelings are our feelings.  Oddly, SD told me years later that BM was jealous of ME.  Weird.  I dont have any advice for you, I know what it's like.  Good luck.

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 2:37pm

I also have a morbid curiosity about her which I think must drive some of the fear in my case. We fear what we don't understand.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 2:45am

My DH and I met when he had 3 sons under the age of 10.  I have seen BM precisely 3 times: hospital, funeral, coroners court. This happened after we'd been together for well over 10 years.   She doesn't have any way to contact me and never has.

Why do you need to have anything to do with her?  Can't your partner own this relationship.

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 2:40pm

Yea I guess the relationship isn't so strained they only interact through the courts. They want SD to see them interacting like civilized adults. Seems like it's only me with my tail between my legs. BMs new partner is even really friendly and kind from what I can tell. Feels like I'm a weird introvert. 

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 2:40pm

Yea I guess the relationship isn't so strained they only interact through the courts. They want SD to see them interacting like civilized adults. Seems like it's only me with my tail between my legs. BMs new partner is even really friendly and kind from what I can tell. Feels like I'm a weird introvert. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 3:56am

Why is she even coming in to your home?! Let her sit outside in her car and wait for her daughter. Tell your DH that this is vital to your well-being. She has absolutely no reason to come to the door.

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 2:41pm

It's so SD can see them being CiViLiZeD aDuLtSsssss. Setting an example of how to behave? I guess? 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 5:43am

I had the same reaction to BM, but I had nothing to do with her. At most we had to see her at events. Why are you dealing with her so much? That's not necessary. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 6:02am

I get full on panic attacks when dealing with BM. The minute that I heard her voice on the phone with DH I would get shaky and tunnel vision and couldn't breathe. It was horrible. Her going full no contact has been wonderful for that aspect of things!

I don't have words of wisdom- I take meds to help with anxiety so I am always ready when we are in her state. I would never want her to see that she gets to me like she does! I just want you to know you are far from alone. 

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 7:21am

Step to the edge of the BM road. Do no pick ups or drop offs. Only attend important events in SK's lives. No 'family' parties for birthdays, etc. All communication between Dad and Mom. No texts, calls, e-mails, etc to you from BM. Block her if need be. 

And most importantly, find a counselor to help you refind you and to help you learn to deal with her. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 8:49am

I've told my DH a few times.. "you married the crazy... YOU deal with her".  I generally avoided situations where we would have to be with her.  NOt really because I was afraid of her but because I just don't like her and don't want to spend time near someone I don't like.

She shouldn't need to come into your home.  YOu make your DH set that boundary with her.  Kids can go from car to door with a parent waiting.

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 2:47pm

I had a new baby. My living nightmare is for SD to try to show off my little girl to her Mom. So I pack up the stroller and GTFO when she comes to the door.  She doesn't come any further than the front step. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 10:36am

What is a typical "contact" with her? Where does it take place, for how long, etc? How often do you have to "deal" with her? Like, phone calls, texts, in-person meetings, etc. Often we don't know what is normal or acceptable. Maybe some things about your situation can be changed. 

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 2:58pm

Embarrassingly it's not even that much. It's a few waves from the doorsteps, school functions, annual meeting of parents in her backyard (need to look into a tranquilizer for this, and now that I have a baby these are OVER). The first year was horrible, we had more contact and I always felt like shit. Like she buckled SD into her carseat in our car once, took off the boots she was wearing because she didn't want them at our house, stayed long enough for 3 year old to realize she wasn't going home.with Mama and then took off as the waterworks began.

BM wanted me to meet her at daughters dance lesson with my newborn to handover her stuff for the week but I refused. Now she's suggesting that I drop her off at her house in the mornings before school because SD is a bit spoiled and doesn't like the beforecare we found. Big no to that also.

A lot of the contact is secondhand via snooty updates my husband gets. I suppose I should just ignore those completely but dammit I can't not wonder what she's got up her sleeve. I probably need some therapy to figure out how to let that go. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 4:14pm

In a comment above, someone asked you why BM needs to be in your home or at the door, and your answer was "so she can see them (BM and your DH i'm guessing) be civilized adults." Is this BM's idea or your DH's? A wave from the car is also civilized.

You also mention updates your DH gets. Are these more than once or twice a week? Are they chatty or giving undue information?

When you say BM wants you to go to her other child's dance class, and BM wants you to drop SD off at her house every morning of your DH's cuatody time, how are you getting this info? Does BM ask your DH then he asks you? Is it on you to then say no, amd have him relay it back?

The reason I ask these things is that i wonder if you trust your DH to set appropriate limits on BM. I'm not saying there's something wrong with you if you don't. Maybe he isn't protecting you from her intrusions and demands? Wasn't she the one who wanted you to do the school run in the winter with a brand-new baby? Some things should never even be posed to you to feel you need to decline. 

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 8:19pm

The civilized adult idea is BMs. She got mad at DH for not coming to the door. SD told him she could do it herself so he let her and then she blew up at him for "not having the decency to go to the door"

Yea the updates have a lot of blamey stuff or generally aren't useful at all. Like our lunches are too big on handover day so SD doesn't want dinner etc. 

I get your angle though, it should be on DH to filter this from me. But sometimes if he makes decisions that impact the family without my input I get frustrated. I'm sort of a snake biting its own tail here.

papayag's picture

Submitted by papayag on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 8:23pm

And the suggestion about morning pickups came to me thru SD. "Mom says you can drop me off at her house every morning instead of dayhome"...

Kids shouldn't be messengers.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 9:57pm

Well...if you want to be involved, you will have to practice saying no. How about having it in your mind that any time you are asked to do something extra by BM, whether directly or indirectly through SD or DH, your default answer is "no." The first step is convincing yourself that this is ok. And it is! You are not obligated to parent for these two! And you are perfectly within your rights to say you don't want BM in your house! The "seeing her parents be civil" thing is BS. She needs to be kept out of any arguments or negative comments, but she does not have to "see them together." If she comes to you saying BM said you would do x, you can say "this is the first i'm hearing about this" or "hmmm, nobody asked me about this yet." You don't have to give SD an answer. Honestly, SD is probably not keeping score of everything BM says you will do, and will probably forget all about it and just go where she is told, and she will be just fine.

ETA my SO's BM is one of those "give an inch take a mile" people. She has no shame and will have everyone running around serving her if allowed. You can't give these people any room to abuse you. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 12:58pm

Why do you have to see BM or deal with her, at all?

Why, exactly, are you terrified of her? What do you fear that she can/will do to you?

As far as her blaming and the condescension, ignore it and don't let it get to you. You know the truth.

 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 8:55pm

People can be civilized in places other than your home. Time to tell your husband how you feel and get him to do exchanges elsewhere. Maybe he even has to do all the transportation if that is the only way to arrange things. He needs to step up so that your house is your sanctury and not somewhere you feel you need to escape from. 

This is what my husband eventually did when he realized that having me and his ex in the same place was not a good idea. (She came over and blew up on me and I called the cops on her). 

Hannah32's picture

Submitted by Hannah32 on Sat, 10/23/2021 - 5:20am

Even so much as BMs name being mentioned makes me prickly, we also live in the same area and I'm always terrified I'll bump into her.