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How to hand over control to DH

mndblwn's picture

Its really hard for me to give up control sometimes. DH will only occasionally now give in to BM to avoid a fight. It drives me insane. It snows hard sometime where we live and it's to dangerous to cross the summit. We got home late and BM had already started the drive up.
I understand it's hard to leave work sometimes but our Thursday to Sunday visits three times a month were her choosing. I would think that SS being safe is more important than having to turn around and go back to work. She wanted to fight with DH about her calling him and basically blaming him for the snow. Then she pulled the right of refusal card cuz we went out of town and SS stayed with friends so he could go to school the next day. It's crap cuz every Friday SS stays with either grandma or aunt for 11 hours while BM works and yet we haven't pulled the right of refusal card.
Anyway....it was boiling my blood cuz she wouldn't make a decision. We never said we could make it but yet there was a chance we couldn't cross. I flipped. I couldn't control myself. I was then laughed at, called a miserable bitch who treats SS like a second class citizen and that I'm a moron. Now this comes from a woman who left her son, can't hold up joint custody, basically "plays" lawyer and lives with mommy and shares a room with her son still. I on the other hand support a family of four, keep a home where SS has his own room, works on a science fair project with him, holds medical insurance and pays all bills that is made due to health issues. DH is a stay at home dad which has made SS grades skyrocket.
I know I need to back off and let DH handle this freak of nature. It's hard though cuz in this instance I have to watch to people in my family be put in harms way with no control. They could get hurt, die or wreck our car just for her cuz heaven forbid she spent gas and left work.

How do you all do it and stay calm? I'm tired of the punches from this woman who has no clue how to be a mother and doesn't support her son whatsoever. The only reason she does is because it's court ordered.

Help me gain my strength and sanity back!!!

Comments

confused2013's picture

Omg I know exactly how you feel!

For the last yr, we have had SS12 and SS8 live with us, with the BM seeing them every 2nd weekend. She gave up custody so she could get her life back on track (and see her bf more). My SO is a stay at home dad to them and BD1.

BM doesn't have a job, lives off her bf, pays no child support and somehow convinces her bf to pay the 50% of the fees for private school.

I support our family of 5 - we bought a house, each kid has their own room, attends after school activities and we try and take them on holidays when we can.

Yet I am the one keeping her from "tucking her babies in at night" because I don't feel comfortable with her coming into our house and hanging out with them in their room, or house sitting for us (we have never been friends, or carried on a conversation for more than 1 min that didn't involve organising some child related thing)
I'm the one that shouldn't get a say in their high school, even though it costs double what we are paying now and I'm the only one out of the 3 of us earning any money

I have not seen her make one unselfish decision. I have not seen her act like an adult or be able to function on her own. I have not seen her make good financial decisions and in fact she has bankrupted those around her in the past.

It has taken over 2yrs but SO seems to have finally taken off the rose colored glasses he saw her through. I still feel he doesn't see her for who she really is, but it's enough to protect us from her insanity now.

I have spent too many hours stressing and thinking about her, her decisions and how she affects my life. We have spent too many hours fighting and talking about her. This year is the year I want to take back control of myself, and I am slowly starting to. What I am trying:
- having SO on the same page is helping
- having back up plans clearly laid out that gives SO room to move, but puts boundaries in place to protect us/our finances eg this is how much we can spend a yr on the kids, if school is going to take up more, then other things have to give
- venting on the forums and in my diary (oh the pages upon pages I have written)
- concentrating on more important things like BD1, goals, romance, holidays and trying to be a good s-mum.
I'll let you know when any of it starts to work Wink

mndblwn's picture

Thanks for the comments. BM just thinks it's all an inconvenience if she actually has to get off her butt and do something. The whole reason she is upset is because she has to do the driving. well im sorry but she moved away and DH didn't quit working to be at her beck and call. WE have a life and family and im sorry to say we want it to involve her as little as possible. I'm sick of the one being mistreated because i'm the one doing the majority for SS. DH is completely on my side and I think could handle it but this woman plays dirty.