How honest can you be with your Skids?
Hello everyone! Im super new to this site, but I can already see how beneficially it will be to me. I have been married for about six months now. My DH has a daughter who is 12, soon to be 13. I grew up as an only child and didn't have much interaction with children growing up so I was definitely unprepared for the parenting lifestyle. Even though I had met my now SD before I married her father, I didn't know the extent of her behavioral issues. According to my DH and her BM, she has a toxic combination of ADHD and ODD. Neither of which Ive had experience dealing with. Once my DH and I moved in together, things began to unfold. Her behavior was awful. She was rude and so disrespectful. She didn't have basic chore skills, she "couldn't" sweep or mop or clean anything. My DH did the best he could as a single father but he couldn't provide everything. So I made it my priority to make her room at our house as cute as I could. I bought all new stuff and even drove 6hrs to my mom house to get some of my childhood furniture that was still in great condition. When I was done, her room looked like a princess room. It was beautiful. But she didn't appreciate any of it, we had to pry a thank you out of her and she didn't keep it clean. Her entitlement was blaring and that's when my feeling for her started to sour. Things just went downhill from there and she proved over and over and over again that she had no interest in improving. I honestly think she's a sociopath. I tried to connect to her, talk to her, and form some kind of relationship but nothing worked. She made everything hard. I would dread her coming over and have so much relief when she left. She literally changed the entire mood of the house.
We have since moved into our first home and some things have gotten better but other things have taken a nose dive that weren't an issue before. Hygiene. She doesn't have it. I never thought I would ever have to tell a 12yo to wipe themselves after they pee, or to use a towel to dry off and not the dirty clothes you just took off. Her whole closet smells like urine because she has peed in her clothes and just stuck them back in the closet. This past weekend she literally peed in my car on a three hour trip. IN MY CAR! I just don't get it and its so frustrating. How can an individual be so comfortable in their own waste? How?
At this point I'm so over it! I feel like my only course of action is to just tell her how I feel and leave it all on the table. To just let her know that she is one of the most difficult people to like that I have ever met and that I'm done trying. So my question for the group is how honest should you be with your Skids?
I would not tell the skid
I would not tell the skid what you think of her. You can tell her what the acceptable standards of behavior are in your house and your car, but I see no good coming from being honest about your very negative feelings for her.
On the other hand, I would be honest with my DH. Let HIM know where things stand. If he cracks down on his daughter, gets her more help (I assume she's already in counseling and/or on meds for ADHD/ODD) and otherwise takes steps to make your life with her more comfortable, that's a step in the right direction. If he borrows the usual lines from the divorced dad playbook and tells you that you hate his kid, or she's just a child, etc., then I'd start making my exit plan, because things won't get better and a life with that child sounds like nothing but misery.
I would be brutally honest.
I would be brutally honest. Not in telling her you don't like her but in confronting her nasty choices.
Do not go out in public with her, and tell her why. "Sorry, you cannot go with us, you shit and piss yourself and that can't happen in public. You are 12yo which is old enough to stay home for a couple of hours. Buh-bye."
If she is going to get in your car put her in a diaper, cut the corners out of af large garbage bag and make her put it on like a rubber diaper cover before she gets in your car. Park where she will be seen by the most people possible, preferably her peers. Throw her soiled clothing away and replace it with Goodwill mechanics cover alls for her to wear over her diaper and rubber diaper cover under her garbage bag. As some point the public humiliation will modify her behavior.
She is getting something from the choices she is making. The key is to eliminate anything and everything pleasant in her life until you land on the combination that changes the behavior you are attempting to purge.
The flavor of the month behavioral syndrome does not alleviate the absolute requirement for her to not shit and piss herself. Has she seen a doctor to determine if there is a medical condition that is causing the shit and piss fest behavior? If not, why not? If there is no medical cause, her crap, literally, is a choice.
Eliminate anything pleasant in her life until she modifies her choices. She is setting an example for your own children and IMHO that can't be allowed to stand.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
IMHO of course.
i have had those same
i have had those same thoughts. i don't want her anywhere near anything. not my car or furniture..nothing. having her wear a diaper and covering my seat with a trash bag were my first thoughts. but she is so stubborn i don't know if public shame is strong enough for her.
Time to buy molded plastic
Time to buy molded plastic furniture for her use in your home and she only sits on that. PERIOD! She does not touch anything that is not molded plastic. She can take it outside, hose it off and wipe it down with Lysol as her last chore of each day to make sure her nasty habits do not pollute your home.
She is old enough to sit in the car while everyone else eats in a restaurant. She is old enough to be left home alone then clean up any mess she makes whole everyone else is out for a nice meal. She is old enough to clean up every bit of her nasty mess when she tries to shit and piss her way to manipulating daddy and her life in your home.
Immersion therapy is also in order though my guess is this is just bullshit manipulation. I would look into residential 100% oversight group home therapy for her. See how she likes zero tolerance for her crap 24/7 by people who don't give a crap about her other than to force her to make better decisions.
Once she is trained to a minimum standard should be just about time for her to go to Military School or a therapy boarding school environment until she is 18.
I would not tolerate that crap in my life even if I was her biodad. Nope. Not happening.
What does your DH have to say
What does your DH have to say about her hygeine? Does he intervene?
SD10 hates wearing socks, deodorant, and brushing her teeth. She complains that her teeth are crooked, but the dentist (rightfully) refuses to refer her to an orthodontist until her dental hygeine improves (very unlikely though). She has multiple teeth that have been pulled and cavities every single dental visit.
DH is honest with her and will tell her "You stink right now." He has cut out KNOTS of hair because she doesn't wash her hair properly.
In the past I have tried to "teach" her how to use shampoo/conditioner, a hairbrush, etc. But she says "I knowwwww." So I quit trying. She simply doesn't care about taking care of herself and we can't care FOR her.
Her room SMELLS too. She refuses to hang up clean clothes and put dirty ones away. I have made it very clear to both DH and SD that I do not pick up her room and it's HER responsibility to make sure clothes go in the laundry room. If they aren't in there, I don't go looking for them. I MAY do her laundry once a month because she never picks up her sh!t. I will close the door to her nasty room and let it be.
He knows its a problem and is
He knows its a problem and is very embarrassed every time something like this happens. He tries to discipline her but it just doesn't stick. She has an annoying way of never feeling remorseful and even when we do punish her or take her electronics away she just sings to herself to keep busy. It's like nothing phases her.
Who has mostly raised her?
Who has mostly raised her? From what i understand about ODD, there is a "nature" component of genetics, but the other component is parenting. How does your DH handle her behavior? Does he ask over and over for her to do things or stop, but eventually give up? Does he reward bad behavior such as unreasonable demands or asking over and over by wearing down and giving in? Is he inconsistent, ignoring bad behavior sometimes but blowing up and responding in anger at other times? I don't see anything written about how your husband parents her. You may both need therapy and parenting classes to learn how to deal with her. Depending on how often she is with you vs BM, there may not be much you can do. Consistency is supposedly the key with ODD. This will be very hard.
She is with BM most of the
She is with BM most of the time...well if you can say that. Her mom is a nurse and is rarely home. Her stepfather is on the road a lot for his job so basically from what i can tell, she has raised herself most of her life. There are so many factors in this whole situation. My DH does his absolute best, i can not take that away from him. but she is resilient and stubborn. he thinks that us having her more will help correct her behavior in a more permanent way but i just don't think i can handle it. just her being here for a week or so is bad enough. and we don't have kids of our own yet but im scared to even try because i don't want her a part of their lives or influencing them in any way. i feel like my true feelings are selfish and if acted upon i will force my DH to choose. i feel like i live in a constant state of sinking depression and guilt.
Nope! Don't feel guilty. You
Nope! Don't feel guilty. You wanting no part in your DH failed family and poor choices is totally reasonable. It's frustrating when his terrible past judgements effect YOU.