I don't want my SD to influence by future bio-kids
My husband and I are beginning to really think and plan for a baby of our own. It will be my first and his second. My issue is simple; I don't care for or really like my SD. She is 12 and unhygienic, disrespectful, and lazy. I have been trying to influence her and teach her how to be a proper young lady for almost a year and nothing has really taken. She is the most difficult child i have ever come across!
Anyways, I'm a planner. I plan for everything and have courses of action in place for almost any situation. I know that that isn't always sensible when it come to kids and family but i know how i want to raise my children. Im not naive to think i can control their personalities or interests but i know i don't want them to be assholes. i want them to be kind, respectful, hard working and contributing members of society. Something that i doubt their step-sister will become. I don't want my future kids to be influenced negatively by my SD. Honestly I don't want them around her at all, but i know that wont be the case; only in a perfect situation.
How much control can i, as a mother to my future bio kids, have when it comes to this subject. Do i have the right to want to keep my future bio kids away from her or am i overthinking it?
At least 13 years age difference
I wouldnt worty about it too much. My siblings are much younger (8, 10, 17 years) due to my mom's second marriage. My sister was 10 years younger. It's like we were raised in different families. Just raise your child according to the standards you and DH agree to. By the time a baby comes, SD will be close to being out the door. They wont have much of a relationship. In my case, its sad but thats just reality. Now that my mother is in her 90s, im making a much bigger effort to connect with them since im her Trustee and I want everything to go smoothly.
You have a right to not
You have a right to not facilitate a relationship between the kids, but your DH has a right to facilitate a relationship between his kids. So long as your DH has visitation to his kids, you'll never be able to keep them apart without his willingness to keep them apart.
I think what you need to ask is why SD is the way she is and how has your DH tried to combat that behavior himself? You say you've been trying to teach her how to be a young lady. Why isn't her father doing that? That's his job, and she's more likely to behave for him than she will for you (if she will at all).
I'd figure out how much of her behavior is due to DH being a weak parent, and then finding solutions to his weak parenting before bringing in another child.
Agree that with a 10+ year
Agree that with a 10+ year age discrepancy, littles won't absorb that much from the bigs. They're in such different stages of life.
My oldest two brothers and I joke that our younger two brothers (same parents, just a big age gap) feel more like nephews or cousins sometimes, since we didn't truly grow up together. And that was in an intact family - but our mom and dad had mellowed out as parents by the time they came along, so their upbringing wasn't quite the same.
If your SD is going to be
If your SD is going to be around your child (and she may want nothing to do with little kids by the time you have them), maybe you can use her behavior as an example of how NOT to behave. I've done that with my skids and their cousins. They recognize bad behavior and know not to try it at our house.
From experience....let me
From experience....let me tell you....
The influence is coming from DH and my MIL...they are the ones (and BM) who raised my skids.....who I hope and wish every day that our shared child turns out nothing like them.
So I would worry less about Sd and more about your DH.
So true, our partners helped
So true, our partners helped to raise these kids. If they didn't do a great job the first time around, why do we think they will do any better the second time? Sometimes it is easy to blame the other bio-parent when our partners also had a strong influence on these kids.
I can agree with this... but
I can agree with this... but what happens when the DHs hands are tied? Tried for more custody time, BM refuses therapy and medication for the child, etc? DHs definitely have a part to play in the failure of raising a child, but honestly I feel like some of it is out of their control
I agree with those who say
I agree with those who say the age difference is so large there really won't be much influence. I would also think about why SD is the way she is. Part is BM i'm sure, but the way she acts at your house is largely due to what your DH allows, the behaviors he encourages whether knowingly or unknowingly, and whether he parents as an authority figure vs the "adoring boyfriend" or "Disney Dad." Is he unconsciously training bad behavior into her, by rewarding negative behavior? Will he back you up as a parent or undermine your authority? Does he treat SD as a mini wife or does he make it clear that you are the wife and she is the child? All of these things will have bearing on how your children turn out.
I understand your concerns.
I understand your concerns. DH and I are expecting next April. SD will be almost 11 years older. I have the exact same concerns about her too! Lazy, unmotivated, unhygienic, disrespectful to adults, etc. I also felt like I have tried my best to be a good influence. Other than bringing in a positive role model, DH is lost on how to "correct" these behaviors. Not that he is a terrible parent, just honestly clueless with how to combat BMs genes. She is literally a carbon copy of BM personality traits. Both DH and I plan on raising our kid differently and will stress the same values. Education, hard working, and kind. We are on the same page there.
Honestly, by the time our baby is 4/5 and very impressionable, SD will be 15/16 and almost out of the house. I'm hoping before that actually. Sad, but true. Her BM has zero rules, so DH and I are anticipating SD not coming around as much during her later teen years. We currently have 50/50, but I can definitely see her wanting to stay at moms. Especially if she doesn't "like" the baby. She is a very jealous person and despises sharing.
Then don't have BKs with this
Then don't have BKs with this man. His failed prior family progeny will always influence your marriage. If you don't want her influencing your own children... don't have any.
If you wan't children who will be free of the baggage your DH brings to the table, find a different daddy.
Not necessarily what anyone wants to hear, but...
Good luck.