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How Can I Like SS13

icehockey101's picture

I dont like my SS. I love him and want what's best for him, but I have a hard time spending time with him because I just dont like him. I have known SS13 since he was 5. Overall he was a good kid, but grew up with his BM, whom he manipulated every chance he got. He would threaten to come live with his dad, and she in turn would buy him off with the newest movie/video game. Needless to say, SS is addicted to video games and computers. Discipline was inconsistent.

Last year he decided he wanted to live with us, and for whatever reason, BM stopped protesting. So, SS moved in. This year has been stressful to say the least. While SS's grades have improved (before had Cs, Ds and Fs - now all As and Bs), his school behavior has been horrible. He has been suspended 3 or 4 times (can't remember) and has been written up about 30. He was in a shoving match, called a kid the "n" word, told his teacher to "suck it"... amongst other things.

At home, it has been a bit better. Unfortunately, a lot of the issues come from SS just not wanting to change. He wants to do things when they benefit him, and otherwise could care less. It seems that way even more when it comes from me. My biggest concerns are his behaviors around DD8 and DS4. He has tried to see DD in the shower, tried to "help" them put on pjs when we were on vacation at my mom's and she had to forcefully tell him it wasn't necessary twice, and encouraged DS4 to go to the bathroom outside while playing instead of sending him inside. I just do not trust him around them. SS also has a history of sneaking video games, computer time, etc when he is not supposed to (ie: in bed, grounded, etc), stealing video games, and lying all the time.

When he first moved here, I was accused of being the cause of his problems. The reason his dad and mom divorced (even though I didn't even know him then), etc. Anything bad that happened was all my fault. At that point, I started to disengage and DH really started to buckle down with parenting. He really has been the disciplinarian. And just when I think I can start to do things again, its like we are back at square one. DH feels like he is caught in the middle and that I hate SS and am venemous towards him. I really just want to be consistent and follow through with what is said at home.

I think my biggest frustration is that I want to like SS and be able to do things with him. But every time something else happens, I feel like it just confirms to me that SS doesn't really care about the rules at our house and doesn't want to change. He is leaving for the summer and I am glad for the break... but I really want to find a way to make this work for DH. Any recommendations for how I can do this? Or am I fighting a losing battle?

Thiskidwilldrivemecrazy's picture

I am sure waiting to see what everyone else has to say because I NEED to hear it, too! SS will be 13 in a couple of months and lives with us full time. Although I know it's truly better for him, sometimes I just wish he lived with his BM!

Orange County Ca's picture

Stop trying to re-engage. First it won't work and second it weakens the fathers position as it gives him a target to hit when he wants to hurt dad.

Stay absolutely out of any conversation or discipline. In face say almost nothing to the kid. Not rudly ignoring him but just let him speak first. If he doesn't then nothing is said. Normal tone of voice and appropriate polite answers. You're not his mom or a friend. You're a roommate just biding time until he decides to find another place to stay.

Report all slurs upon you personally (like 'suck it') but leave lesser generic remarks and failures like not emptying the trash alone. Water off a ducks back. It's a tough time for him also and the more you stay out of his life the easier it'll be for both of you.

You will receive no credit or blame if you keep out of it. A billion kids grew up this year without help from you. So will this one.