Welcome! I am pretty much over the worst of the crap that 'blended' family can go through. I learned that the BM will give all the hell she can as long as you TAKE it. Best thing is NEVER let her see it bothers you. As long as she has free rent in your head she'll squat there and never leave. I worked on it, it was hard to see her poisoning the kids but I would NEVER say a bad word about her to them. She abandoned the kids to us when they were 11. The damage that woman did to those kids was the only saving grace I could find for dealing with their behaviors but I still did not ease up on them much though. They had to learn and grow as decent individuals...they will get there!
A good piece of advice I got was NOT to let a child push buttons or draw you into what they call a 'pissing contest', they will behave negatively to get attention and if you feed that you are asking for trouble...believe me!!!! I isolated every single button SD could possibly push and switched them all OFF! I did not respond in the way she anticipated, manipulated I should say, and she lost momentum.
There are some horror stories on here that would make a saint weep, there are some not so bad ones too. All in all I think that reading through the many posts you will find a perspective that makes your lot look GREAT! LOL Even with my lot I still found perspective reading posts on here.
The disengaging, I did it and it worked for a long while. Right after I got the 'you're not my mom' crap from the younger two SKids. Damned right I am not! Guess what buddy...no more mrs nice Giveitago! I did nothing for them, left it to guilty daddy to deal with and he pretty quickly got it. He saw that once I was out of that equation that he did indeed have hellions for kids!
I was so sick and tired of being blamed for all the ill feelings that went on, kids running to daddy with tales and him not chastising them when they ran buck ass wild. Not on my watch so...here darlin'...it's your watch now!
Nearly 8 years down the line the kids are all of age.
SS is 'the man' and he moved out after dropping out of school in sophomore year. He failed 8th grade twice, in seventh grade he had summer school for PE! I ask you? What the hell is wrong with that picture? He only comes to us when he wants something, last time was the jack and stands for his motorcycle (he has two of them) and while he was in the doorway the mail lady came so I asked him to close the door for a second until she passed, DH asked him the same, the dogs go nuts and the lady is scared so it makes sense to keep the door shut...right? Not in SS's book it didn't and he defied me, I went to close the door and he stuck his foot in the way! DH went outside and told him something, he rode off. Later the two older boys told me that SS was upset because I jammed his hand in the door...bullshit! It was his foot that he placed there to defy me and disrespect me. I told the boys that if I actually intended to 'jam' him in the doorway it would have been by the neck at that point...and much harder!
He now lives with his mother and the shit will hit the fan there pretty soon...this woman is poison and will bleed him dry and then throw him out...back to us, whereupon he WILL follow the rules of the house and show respect and consideration for others. Of course he told sob stories (DH and I chuckled as to which stories he told to whom) to three different households to get accommodation from them and he's on his his FOURTH address in just over a year. Of course it's all my fault! Our house is not filled with the most luxurious furnishings and is most definately NOT a showcase for his friends and he did not like 'our house' because it did not suit him? Diddums, boo phukkin' hoo kiddo. He forgot that we started with the clothes on our backs TWICE and he's damned lucky we were able to buy a home for their ungrateful asses. Snobby little git, that's me being mildly facetious about him.
SD us currently in a secure juvenile facility, a two year sentence for battery on the infirm. She's been in and out of juvenile hall, expelled from every school she has ever attended and two alternative schools could not handle her, nor could two group homes and she failed drug court...all since she was age 13, she's now 18. She's hoping to get on a step down program and back into school but she HAS to behave herself and watch her mouth. If she gets in trouble now she's an adult, we have to reiterate that point to her, while encouraging her to make better choices. I will not tolerate her crap if she comes back to us, her daddy knows this and he is in favor of the program she wants to do...as am I. It's up to the juvenile judge at this point.
It's been HELL on wheels and I was on the point of leaving at one stage, keep your precious little cherubs buddy! DH saw the light, OK, fair enough. I do love them, but I cannot tolerate it when they are being hellions.
SD tried ALL ways to get rid of me, at her mother's bidding. The PAS that went on was beyond belief. It's still going on with SS while he's living with BM so I know the shit will hit the fan there pretty soon.
There are more, many more, horror stories from me, LOL I just figured this would be enough to give you a perspective on your situation...right?
I wish you well, there's always a way to deal with stuff...I am sure you'll do fine.

ozestepmum.....welcome....you and me have a lot in common....

my BM is leso too....and yes....this fact was kept from the skids, and I say my DH supported her alternative lifestyle decision by pretending her leso lifestyle was normal....and this messed the skids up even further.... (im not against gays at all....but dont think you should have children hetrosexual wait till their pre teens then swap to being a gay)

Well we do not support her any more...

One of the recent issues that I have noticed is that the BM now runs around town bagging everyone else...but mainly me, my kids, my culture, my country (Im from oz too) in an attempt to make her look good....fn weirdo...

Shame she cant live with her own actions. Such a nasty bitch.

I think it is what you make it..... You can only choose to let things infect your day. (I'm talking to myself here) Hope it helps you, It helps me until I take it back - my solution today is to get one more activity for just me (mine being going to the Fitness Center again - 1st time since I've been married, I'm not overwieght - it just makes me feel good and gives me a good tired ) I'll let you know how it works. I'm starting tomorrow. : ) LOL