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He is WAY TOO nice to his Ex

tulum's picture

I have been dating a guy that has a 12yr old son and has been divorced for 6 yrs. His ex is a total monster. They were HS sweethearts but she did nothing but cheat on him, lie to him, and treat him badly. YET he still lets her run all over him and she uses their son to do it. She has even had the nerve recently to ask him to help her pay a speeding ticket. (she is remarried with another child) I told him that he needs to tell her off (so to speak) But he said that he doesnt want to argue with her b/c of their son. Up until recently she was calling him crying everytime her and her new husband fought....The ONLY TWO things we argue about is the ex and disipline.............I NEED HELP< PLEASE!

Cdngirl's picture

Wow, does that ever sound familiar. My bf says the same thing to me when I tell him to stick up for himself or to take a stand. He doesn't want to rock the boat because of the kids. I almost wonder if it isn't an ego thing for the ex. I just don't understand how someone can claim to be a parent and want the best for their child and then go and turn around and use that child to get what is best for them.

However I can report after constant hounding for 2 years it is getting a bit better. Just recently he told her that we could not take the children at the last minute because we had plans and that she would have to come up with some other arrangements on her own.

Gwen929's picture

My bf was the same till i got him a damn good attny for his divorce. I think having an educated person telling him he had rights made him stronger. When we first met she had verbally (and physically) abused him to the point where he was weak...i think he thrived off of her negativity. It took him a while to get used to someone who actually treated him well.

Anonymous's picture

I can totally relate. Just recently my hubby has had to finally put his foot down when it comes to his cheating ex. She uses his kids against him any chance she gets and I get so mad when he just gives in so not to start a fight. She is remarried with a new kid. Doesn't she have her own life now? Why does she insist on hanging on to my man?

happy mom's picture

You need to tell your boyfriend your feelings when he does favors for her. You need to give him an ultimatum. They are exs right now, why is he still doing stuff for her. I wouldn't be able to stand that if I was you. The communication w/the both of them should be strictly about the son and nothing of her personal problems. He is afraid of her. He needs to stop it before it ruins your relationship w/you.

stepmom to be's picture

Tulum...whoa, this is way out of hand!!

When dealing with an ex, there are some basic rules of play. If you agree, perhaps you can share this with your boyfriend, cause god knows I am paying a fortune in therapy to get clear on boundaries and maybe he could benefit from my countless hours 'on the couch'!!

An EX is an EX. They are no longer a source of continuous emotional support. They are not there to be lovers. They are not there to be friends. They have NO business calling over fights with current partners or personal problems with family members (or anything that does not relate directly or indirectly to a shared child)! They are not there to rub your feet, pay your vehicle citations or take you to the movies.

In my opinion, 'too nice' is not the way to characterize your bf's behaviour. Perhaps he is still (and here's the hard part) emotionally invested in being his ex's spouse/daddy-figure/fix-it guy (as he must have been for so many years). It sounds like his own set of (perhaps unconscious) needs are being fulfilled by her ongoing need for him! I may be wrong or out of line, but it sounds as though the two of them are both fulfulling eachother's hidden (or not so hidden) agendas. Its hard to imagine that he is a hapless bystander here, though I am sure that he is a really genuine guy who put up with a lot of crap for a very long time...which is to say, quite simply, that he is used to it. Maybe its time for him to just let go of the drama and focus on the future? I don't understand where fights fit in with the son excuse. He can simply refuse to deal with all matters unrelated to the son, can't he? Maybe I missed something, but how would the son pay a price?

I am not in the best of possible circumstances with my BF (and his ex and daughters) which is what led me to this site. I hope that I am not projecting too much crap of my own! I am SO glad that I found this place where people can be honest and let it all hang out! My BF's ex doesn't call with her problems, but if she calls with any topics not relating to their shared kids I put my foot down and hard. Its just not appropriate for them to chat, and perhaps most importantly, it makes me upset.

I hope that your guy will keep his eye on the prize, which is YOU. His son is his most cherished gift, and if he can take good care of him and keep you both in the top two, both he and his son will be home free : )

Good luck!!

happy's picture

I am with happy mom..
Ultimatum.. He is not treating you fairly. She is the ex and needs to be treated as the ex.. Just because they have a child together does not mean they have to still act as though they are married.. And seriously what message is his son getting. He needs to put all that energy he is using on her into your relationship. The only reasons I can think he would be doing this is #1. son #2. he is not the one who wanted the divorce. Maybe try to sit down and discuss this issue and if he gets mad or says things like I am with you, or I don't do that..
You need to talk to him though.. maybe he does not feel it really effects you.
Stand up and be strong.. If he truly loves you this will work out and make your relationship stronger..

Anonymous's picture

My husband continually does "favors" for his exwife and I can't seem to get him to understand that it is not his job to rescue her anymore. I am so frustrated because he tells me that he only does stuff for her because of his children. However, her latest request was for us to keep her dog while she is on vacation. First of all, I have a cat that has never been around dogs, so that concerns me. Secondly, the dog is old, sheds alot and smells. Long story short, I don't want the dog in my house for a week. At first he argue's with me stating that he would only do it because it's the kid's dog and so basically he's doing it for them. Apparently she doesn't want to put the dog at a kennel because it cost too much. So, after I put my foot down and told him "NO WAY". What does he do but ask his sister if she can take the dog while his ex is on vacation. Okay, fine even though I'm still annoyed at this point because I once again do not understand why he is making this his problem. At this point, I inquire if she will be dropping the dog off or is he expected to do it. He says that he is not doing it and guesses she will make plans to take care of it. So what do I find out last night, yep, you guessed it...he's picking the dog up from her house and taking it to his sister's for her. Mind you, this is not just down the street, it's 12 miles out of his way just to go to his sister's house and that doesn't even take into account driving over to the ex's house to pick the dog up. He had no reason to go to her house, as he picks the kids up directly from daycare. However, he informed me last night that he had to go to her house anyway to pick up a bag for the boys so what was the big deal. Well, after being a single parent myself for 10 years, I know darn well how easy it is to just pack a bag and leave it at daycare for dad to pickup. So that excuse just doesn't hold water for me. So I guess my question to all of you is, am I just being insecure? Should I just let it drop and quit making a fuss about him constantly allowing her to schedule his time? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...I am just so mad right now.

Candice's picture

I saw a couple on Dr. Phil with this same exact problem...ex hubby was too nice/generous...and while new wife was home for only 2 days from the hospital caring for their newborn, dh was at ex's house putting brakes on ex's car for free!!! His philosophy was the same, he is doing it for the kids..blah...blah..blah..

Dr. Phil's advice to the new wife was make a new rule...everytime ex wants dh to do a favor (especially if it is at her house) she not only get's dh, but she get's the new wife as well. So the next time your dh needs to go over to ex's house to complete the x-honey do list, why don't you just go with him to help? See how that boils over with her getting the new wife all up in her business, in her house...if she still get's your dh, she get's you too!

I think you have every reason to be totally frustrated. It is not his responsibility to perform favors for her. There is a reason they ended..and she can totally find others to help her out. His honey do list belongs to you, not the X! The whole dog thing...come on...let's think about the wife first.

The problem that I'm seeing in your situation is that dh is putting the feelings of his children first, and then your feelings are totally second, third...or maybe even further down the road. I had a problem with my dh our first year of marriage with this problem, we went to counseling, and our therapist quickly corrected my dh on this. He said to my dh "your #1 priority in life is your marriage...not your children, not your job..but your marriage. And your children depend on it...b/c Candice is helping you provide a stable home for your children at your house, and they need a stable home at your house too." When my dh heard that...things did change pretty quick. I like that perspective b/c I truly believe my marriage is #1, then our children. Happy parents make happy babies:)

I hope I have helped you.

BlueberrysBaby's picture

Dang, Candice. I wish we had a counselor like that. Ours told me on the first visit that I married the wrong man (a direct quote) if I had a problem with including his ex in our life!!!

Blueberry's Baby

Anonymous's picture

I have been married for 4 months now to a man that I have been with for almost 4 yrs...We moved in with eachother right away he has a 9 yr old daughter and I have a 3 almost 4 yr old little boy. I have been with my husband since my son was about 4 months old my sons father is not in the picture at all and never has been my husband has been a wonderful fater to my son he really does treat him as if he was his own child...My issue comes with his daughter and her mother he was with this woman off and on for about 5 yrs they can not get along at all so I can see why they are no longer together, this woman is jeckel and hyde all the way...I have gone through tons of crap with this situation for the first 6 months of us living together she called him on his cell non stop all hours of the day and night just to say what are you doing, this went on until one night me and my husband went to a midnight ski she blew his phone up I finally asked him who keeps calling he said his ex I then told him that it was getting old I could understand if it was about his daughter but it never had anything to do with her...He did address the situation told her that she does not need to call unless it was about their kid she is so petty that we didn't see his daughter for 2 months (he does not have any legal vistitation but he does pay cs) the phone calls pretty much stopped but I dealt with him giving her money behind my back to pay for medication for her other child who does not belong to him..almost a year into the relationship I finally met her face to face at a school function for their daughter she was surprisingly very nice, life went on he still continued to deal with her and I stayed out of she would get angry and call and leave messgages on our machine cussing him out...Finally because they could not talk with out screaming at eachother I began dealing with her I would pick up and drop off his daughter I dealt with her when she called believe it or not things started looking up she was finally in a relationship with a good guy and she was some what easy to deal with she has never really had an attitude to me or shall I say directly to my face...things seemed so good that we invited her and her bf to our wedding in May they came gave us a nice gift and a very sweet card...and we have spent some time together this summer her bf and one of my good friends live in the same apt complex so we would be at the pool together sometimes things were fine she was friendly, My husband and I even took her other kid with me for the weekend several times...I thought this was going to be a healthy coparenting situation...until she just starting acting like a bitch again..she all of the sudden only wants to speak to my husband she has not stated that exactly but one night they were having a conversation about his daughter coming with us for labor day and she said "I always have to talk to your wife and so does your daughter" she gave him a guilt trip about not spending a whole lot of time with their daughter this summer although truth be told the last 5 or 6 weekends we were supposed to get her she decided she did not want to come and her being 9 its pretty normal for her to want to be where the fun is and unfortunately we have put our selves on a strict budget (trying to save for house). So my husband being the push over that he is fell for this guilt trip and got all bummed out until I quickly reminded him of each weekend we were supposed to get her...the other recent thing was school clothes in the middle of the summer I asked the mother if she was going to need help with clothes for my sd she said no Im only buying her a few things b/c she has tons of clothes I said ok but if you need help with supplies or something let me know...needless to say she waited untill 4 days before school started and called my husband demanding he buy school clothes once again I feel like when she came at him with a bad attitude he should have told her to shove it but he would never do that so since we were in a financial situation with both our vehicles needing extensive work go figure..I always fix things I called my mother and asked her to help out she said that was fine however it would be the night of the first day of school as she had plans for the weekend so b/c I did not want my sd to start school in old clothes I sent home a brand new outfit for her to wear...(that I know I will never see again so) Monday August 28 I met my mother to go shopping for school clothes we got 4 or 5 new outfits and later that night I called the ex to see if she wanted to meet me to pick up clothes, no response so I just went home normally I would have driven out of my to take the clothes to her but since she has been a real pill lately I did not feel the need to go the extra mile, Im sick of doing everything to help her out I have done more than enough alot more than normal people would in this situation...so Tuesday rolls around and my sd calls her dad to ask about the clothes he told her that we got the clothes but b/c our truck needed ball joints he did not want to drive anymore than he had to and asked her mother to meet him to pick up clothes once again she was wretched she said Im not f$%&ing meeting anyone any f*&^ing place so he just told his daugher that she could take her clothes home with her after her weekend visit...so I guess she didn't need the clothes as badly as her mother made it seem once again she won she demanded something and we jumped to save an arguement, but thats my issue I am so sick of being told what to do and when to do it by this ungrateful control freak she should thank her lucky stars that we help out as much as we do the only thing we have to do is pay cs and medical insurance in which we do...So yesterday we open the mail only to find a child support modification request she is trying to get more money out of my husband I guess she thinks that now that we are married that the state will give her more money which bothers me not because of the money but because she lives at home with her parents and she filed bankruptcy last year so the only bills she has is car payment and car insurance she and her mother have both told me this..and if we want to be technical we pay her car payment with child support, so I was furious because she didn't even bother telling my husband that she was requesting more money and he called and asked her and of course she denied it she played stupid as if she did not know what he was talking about but she was real quick to tell him that she just paid for glasses for their daughter in which was a year over due...and if she would have done what she was supposed to do last summer she would not have had such an expense...at this point my husband is defending her stating maybe she did not do a request but I know that since our states is so far behind on child support cases they did not automatically request a review...I have been dealing with child support issues for my son for 3 yrs now and still have not got anywhere...The funny thing about the whole thing is she does not know that my husband is currently unemployed so it may come back and bite her in the butt it may stay the same but since she makes more money than she did 3 yrs ago it may drop...and I can't help but want to say haha...I know I may sound petty but this situation is on my last nerve I need some advise I am so sick of being the bigger person at this point I don't want to help her out anymore than what is required by law....we do continue to supply everthing for my sd here at our house...I guess I feel a little stupid b/c I have tried to help her, I have argued with my husband on her behalf, I have taken her other kid to give her a break, I have dropped everything I was doing on many occassions to pick up or drop off their daughter, I have even driven out of my way at times to meet her with a swimsuit or pair of shoes that my sd has left here and wanted right then, I have defened her to my inlaws and my husband, I felt sorry for her b/c she is a single mom who appeared to be doing the right thing for her kids...HELP...Im ready to throw in the towel there are many more issues, I could go on and on and before anyone says that I knew all this before I married my husband No before we got married things were different We all got along for over a year before we got married as a matter of fact we were engaged for a year before I started planning b/c I was unsure if I could handle all the baggage that came along with him I love my husband very much and I love my sd very much but I did not bargin for all this I feel like Im married to the whole damn bunch his ex and her family yeah they involved too..as a matter of fact just the other day the ex's dad called my husband to invite him to a beatles cover band concert which to me is strange b/c although they were once close, they have not really talked for the past 2 yrs and my husband is not some die hard beatles fan or anything...My husband thinks Im crazy he says I put too much thought into things he refuses to see that they like to cause issues....he honestly believes that they are just so nice but he didn't seem to think so when I was talking to his ex and her family he told me that I would soon see how vendictive they all were I guess he was right but whats good for the goose is good for gander....once again HELP>>>

Nise's picture

The best thing for you to do, and probably the hardest, is to BACK OFF…I’m not saying that in a bad way, I’m saying it for your own sense of peace and sanity…for some reason, I’m assuming from your post that you do not have bio kids of your own? Am I correct in that assumption? The reason I got that feeling is b/c I don’t have bio kids either and I think that is why we tend to put our ALL into our SK’s b/c we do love them as our own (after all, they are the only kids we know…) But...people only treat you the way you allow them to and I’d say that enough is enough, the bio mom is NOT appreciating you or respecting you…I know this first hand, we had the same thing happen, got papers in the mail saying that she wanted the order amended, well he submitted all the paperwork and they REDUCED the order by $60.00 a month!!!! So now we are going back to court so she can protest the reduction…DRAMA over $60.00!!! Then she had the NERVE to tell my husband that my sd needed black and blue pants for school and if we saw any while we were out to pick them up….to which I said HELL NO!!!! Tell her that the RETAINER we gave the attorney could have bought a lot of pairs of pants but since she wanted to go about it the “legal” way that is the way we’ll keep it….she’ll get NOTHING outside of what the court orders! Of course that doesn’t include what we do for her, buy for her while she is in our care….but all the other stuff…child support is the end all be all to her so she’d better make it SSTTTTTRRRRRRRREEEEEEETTTTTCCCCCHHHH as far as it will go! What makes these women think they can have their cake and eat it too?!

Make a GREAT Day!

nmg's picture

Yeah actually I am also a bio mom I have a 3 yr old little boy, his father is not in the picture and never has been, that was a big deal too..nothing but drama from his wife, thats why I tried so hard to be an understanding sm and just stay out of things. I had it from both ends not only did I have to deal with an ex I was an ex....but that did not go over well he never showed to the court dates and has yet to pay child support, but because he is completely out of picture and always will be that is no longer an issue...I still have to deal with all the crap that my husbands ex dishes out he (my husband) tends to overlook things he doesn't get as angry as I do when she does stupid shit but then again dealing with her is now become 2nd nature the way I understand it she has been a wretched witch for a long time so I guess this should be no surprise, but it is still very annoying I just want to knock some since into her...Here she has 2 kids 2 diff dads my husband takes care of his daughter in everyway possible and the father to her son doesn't do anything...You would think she would be nicer to the one who helps out...

Lots of luck with your court case I hope it works out for you and your husband...its funny to me when these women become so money hungry that $60.00 a month can cause such a huge deal I believe some of these ex's like drama...and here I am writing to get advice on how to stop having drama....???

nmg

happy's picture

She may think she can get CS modified and maybe she can in your state I know where we are you cannot go off the new sposes income.. They only go off the bio parents..
I think that it is time for you to tell her like it is. Noone says that you have to jump.. And again in our state CS is for School clothes, supplies all of that. So do not do it anymore. Say enough is enough. Making peace is ok but when you are constantly ran over its not good. Stand up for the both of you. Your SD does not sound like she is in need of much. How can she be with mommy living with grammy.. What the heck. Stop being so nice.. Be a bitch sorry we all have it in us.. I am good at it I know..

Anonymous's picture

I feel you I do need to be a bitch and I know I have it in me, I just hate being that way I really don't want to stoop to her level but I suppose there isn't much else I can do...As far as the cs I agree it is supposed to go for everything but like I said I began to feel sorry for her I have been a single mom and it is tough and I guess apart of me thought that if I went the extra step she just might be a little nicer but it back fired in my face I gave an inch and the bitch took a mile...What is it with some of these women nothing is ever enough...She acts as if I was the cause of their relationship failing but they hadn't been together for several years before I came about Im just a nothing pawn in the game now...

nmg

Anonymous's picture

Hi, wow, this seems like a good place for me, I am all confused about my bf relationship with his ex. They are friends for 14/15 years and have been dating I think for about one year. He is in the military and back then he got deployed to Iraq and she cheated on him with a guy that is now her husband. Nevertheless back then he still wanted to marry her after he got back from his deployement, but she said no again. After that he broke it off with her and only one month later he got with me. I didnt know it was only month before that they broke up. Well on and off during our relationship they were in contact and he kept telling me that he still loves his ex but never wants to get back with her. In summer last year he was transferred back to the States (I am in Germany still) and in October he got deployed to Iraq again. All this time his ex kept telling him that he is the love of her life and it was the dumbest mistake she could have done to let him go like that blablabla. For some reason he always kept on calling her or send her emails. Oh maybe I should mention that the ex is one of these control people that play their little games. She also has a son of which she holds my bf responsible although he is not the father, but because 10 years ago he didnt loan her money for an abortion. His sister told me about the abortion money and that the ex told him that she doesnt have any money to feed the baby and if the baby dies it will be his fault.
Anyways not too long ago they have been in email contact again and she also called him names and got all mad at him because he told her he is with me and he loves me. She said dont get in touch with me and stopped writing him, but kept on sending those email chain letters. My bf tries to call her from Iraq (it is hard to make phone calls for him from iraq!) and wrote her an email saying he didnt get through. And now she is being the sweetest again, she is using the same pattern over and over and he falls for it. She always tells him how hard her life is, how she has to work 2 jobs, that her husband and her are thinking about divorce, she doesn thave a place to stay etc etc.
Yesterday I brought the ex topic up again because he said he might go to his parents house earlier, depending on when he comes back from his deployment. I wanted to know if he will go see her when I am not there, in case I get there later. He said he doesnt even know if he wants to see her and he will not go see her alone, but if she was to come to his parents house with his family around she can do so.
I then wanted to talk about a compromise, because I rather dont want this to happen, I wanted to suggest that she can come see him when I am there. But it didnt even get that far, every time we talk about her, he gets mad at me and tells me I am insecure and I don't trust him and that I need to think if I want to be with him. And that he is free to do whatever and he doesnt need anybody telling him what to do. Also I told him that he needs to understand I have been through some hard times because of her, because he was horrible the first year of our relationship (yes with him away in Iraq) and always brought up things like he doesnt know if he can trust me lalala due to all the things she did.
Then he got mad because I said hard times and told me that I dont need to be with him when he gives me hard times and that at any time it is my decision to be with him or not. And then he left the chat conversation saying he doesnt want to talk to me until I make some more sense.
She even called his sister in law up who used to be her friend back in the day and keeps asking question about him and me, if he gets married and so on.
Now I wonder every time we talk about her he gets mad, every time she is mad with him he is mad with me or his family (who by the way hate her) and he always says I am insecure and dont trust him when I want to figure things out. Maybe I don't address the issue the right way or maybe I am actually not making any sense. But I have this impression that she has still some power over her, even if it is only through her child. I told him I think this is what it is and that somehow she always manages to make him feel bad and that I trust him but I dont trust her.
In all other ways he is a great and caring guy and I am the first girl he took to his parents house and all that and we plan to move in together in the States around January this year. He talks about future, children and marriage.
But I really don't know what to do about the ex or if I should do something. So far I am hiding myself on the messenger because I dont know what to say. And I surely dont want her in my relationship with him, regardless if they have been friends for such a long time.
Oh and he has some female friends and is in touch with another ex, but I don't care about that, I am in touch with two of my exes too, but none of them is sneaky like this ex. And the one sneaky ex I had, I cut all communications with.

Also, when they were dating he was sending money for the child and he always keeps telling me he is worried about her and her son.

texaswonder028's picture

You stated that you are in Germany, how long have the two of you been together? During this time how many yrs/months have you actually been in the same town/household? By reading your post I get the impression that your are involved in a one-sided relationship. It seems you are trying to be understanding regarding his past, but he keeps putting up road blocks and keeping information from you, which in turn make you question your status with him. Do you have any Bio children with him? Are you wanting to marry him? I don't know that I would put my life on hold for him, instead of being reasurring, he puts the blame on you for questioning his motives with the ex. Life is too short to keep fighting a battle you might not win. He say "he is free to do whatever and he doesnt need anybody telling him what to do." I once dated somone who said the same.... I told him of the things I wanted (i.e. marrage, kiddos) I wanted so bad to have those with him that I overlooked all of the problems we were having. Truly if we had, married it would have ended in divorce. Just don't sell yourself short, there is someone out there who you can be happy with without trying, it will just come natural. Don't loose site of what is important to you.... don't settle, you deserve to be happy.
Kimberlym026

Terri's picture

All I can say is either he ceases all contact with her, or if he really has to talk to her he must do so in front of you and strictly about the child. Otherwise its an agreed upon pick up and drop off time. Also many ex's will try and use the child to call. Nope when my husbands kid was at our house for the weekend I had his ex's calls forwarded and blocked. She finally learned SHE would not be talking to my husband.

With my husband agreement we TOTALLY cut her out of the picture. Using the kid as an excuse didn't work so you need to decide how much you want to empower his ex.

J L's picture

WELL THIS IS THE PLACE FOR ME TO UNLOAD ABOUT MY HUSBANDS EX.AND CHILD
HERE IS MY PROBLEM , FOR 7 YRS NOW I HAVE PUT UP WITH THIS BITCH MANIPULATING MY HUSBAND, AND SHE USES THE CHILD TO GET TO HIM , AND TO MANIPULATE HIM , AND PUT A GUILT TRIP ON HIM HE JUST CAN NOT SEE IT !!!! MY HUSBAND IS SO GUTLESS THAT IT MAKES ME SICK ! HERE IS MY STORY, EVER SINCE WE GOT MARRIED HIS EX HAS MADE HER PLANS TO DO WHATEVER ON HER WEEKEND OFF FROM THE CHILD, WELL WHEN IT CAME OUR TIME TO HAVE OUR WEEKEND TO DO WHATEVER SHE WOULD CALL HIM AND ASK HIM IF HE WOULD TAKE THEIR DAUGHTER FOR THE WEEKEND, NOW MIND YOU IT DIDN'T MATTER TO MY HUBBY IF WE HAD PLANS OR NOT THE SUCKER WOULD SAY SURE NO PROBLEM ! WELL HE NEVER EVER BOTHERED TO ASK ME IF I HAD MADE ANY PLANS FOR US OR NOT, WHATEVER THE EX WANTED SHE GOT. HE USES THE EXCUSES OF WELL I DIDN'T THINK TO ASK OR WELL IT IS MORE TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER & I AM NOT DOING IT AS A FAVOR TO HER, BULLSHIT!
SO I GET MAD AT HIM AND OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHERE THAT LEAD . WELL AFTER FIGHTING HIM ON THIS ISSUE FOR MANY YRS I FINALLY SAID TO HELL WITH IT HE IS GONNA DO WHAT HE WANTS TO DO , AND SO HE TAKES THE CHILD ANY WAY. I AM JUST WASTING MY BREATH. I HAVE SAT DOWN AND TALKED WITH HIM AND TRIED TO REASON WITH HIM AND EXPLAINED HOW I FELT , THAT SHE IS THE EX AND HE NEEDS TO CONSIDER MY FEELINGS &OUR LIFE AND MARRIAGE. I DON'T MIND HIM HAVING THE EXTRA TIME WITH HIS DAUGHTER , WHAT I DO MIND IS BEING IGNORED AS TO WHAT MY FEELINGS ARE, AND HEARING HIM SAY I AM DOING IT FOR THE CHILD.
THEN ONE SAT MORN WE GOT UP AND WAS HAVING OUR COFFEE WHEN I ASKED HIM WHAT HIS PLANS FOR THE DAY WAS AND HE SAID , I DON'T KNOW I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY PLANS WHY? I SAID I JUST WONDERED . WELL IT WASN'T BUT ABOUT 20 MINS LATER HE WAS PUTTING HIS SHOES ON AND I SAID TO HIM , OH ARE U GOING SOME WHERE, HE THEN REPLIED YES, AND I SAID OH WHERE, WELL HE THEN INFORMED ME THAT HE WAS GOING OVER TO HIS EX'S TO PUT BRAKES ON HER CAR BECAUSE HE SUPPOSEDLY OWED HER MONEY FOR HIS CHILDS MEDICAL BILLS, NEWS TO ME ! WELL YOU KNOW WHAT HIT THE FAN , AS WE HAD JUST GOTTEN INTO A ARGUEMENT THE NIGHT BEFORE ABOUT A WOMAN THAT HE WAS SUPPOSEDLY SEEING FROM WORK, THAT HIS OWN SISTER TOLD MY DAUGHTER HE WAS SEEING ON THEIR LUNCH HOUR. HE SAID IT WAS LUNCH ONLY, AND IT WAS TOTALLY INNOCENT, WELL IF IT WAS SO INNOCENT WHY DID HE FORGET TO MEINTION IT, AND NEVER DID TILL I CONFRONTED HIM ? ANY WAY TO GET BACK TO THE EX AND THE BRAKES, I SAID TO HIM WHY CAN'T YOU DO THE BRAKES HERE IN OUR SHOP, WE HAVE A 14' X 30' SHOP ON OUR PROPERTY, WELL HIS COMMENT WAS YOU KNOW SHE DON'T LIKE YOU AND YOU DON'T LIKE HER , WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BRINGING HER CAR OVER HERE TO WORK ON ?? YEA U GUESSED IT HE WENT TO HER HOUSE ANY WAY KNOWING I WAS PISSED AS HELL ! WELL FOR THE LAST 7 YRS IT HAS BEEN HIS WAY, AND THE EX'S WAY AND I AM FED UP ! NOW THE DAUGHTER IS 13YRS OLD AND SHE IS THE ANGEL, SHE COULD DO NO WRONG, YOU KNOW THAT KIND OF PARENTS ! WELL SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED HER MOM & DAD TO GET BACK TOGETHER, WHICH IS NORMAL FOR A CHILD TO WANT , I UNDERSTAND THAT. WELL A FEW YEARS AGO THE CHILD WENT HOME AND TOLD HER MOTHER THAT I WOULD GIVE ALL THE CANDY SHE WANTED IF SHE WOULD TELL ME ABOUT HER MOTHERS BOYFRIENDS, LIKE I CARE WHAT SHE DOES AND WHO SHE SEES !OK WELL THAT DIDN'T GO WELL, THE EX CALLED MY HUSBAND AND THREATEN TO F" ME UP IF I DIDN'T TREAT HER DAUGHTER WITH RESPECT, THAT I UPSET HER AND B DOES NOT LIE, AND THAT IF SHE HAD TO SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE IN PRISON , WELL SO BE IT. THE STATE WE LIVE IN THE LAW ALLOWS CONVERSATIONS TO BE RECORDED, WHICH WE HAD BEEN DOING BY THE ADVICE OF A ATTORNEY BECAUSE THIS WOMAN IS OUT OF CONTROL , AND TO COVER HIS BUTT IT WAS BEST TO DO THIS. WELL SHE CHEATED ON HIM MANY MANY TIMES, AND NOW THAT HE IS MARRIED SHE DOES NOT WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY, AND SHE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT IS SUPPOSE TO BE HAPPY AND MARRIED, BY THE WAY SHE IS 36 NOW AND ON HER 6TH MARRIAGE. WELL TO GET BACK TO THE RECORDING WHEN SHE FINALLY HUNG UP I LISTEN TO THE TAPE , AND I WAS MAD AS HELL BECAUSE MY HUSBAND SAT THERE AND LET HIS EX SAY ALL KINDS OF BAD CRAP ABOUT ME , AND NEVER ONCE SAID TO HER , LISTEN THIS IS MY WIFE YOU ARE TALKING ABOOUT AND I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO IT, WHEN YOU CALM DOWN YOU CAN CALL ME BACK. WELL I WAS MAD BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TAKE UP FOR ME , TO ME THAT WAS DISRESPECTFUL. SO I ASKED HIM WHY HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING AND HIS REPLY WAS, THE WAY I LOOK AT IT IS STICK AND STONES. I ASKED HIM TO CALL HER BACK RIGHT AWAY AND TO TELL HER THAT HE WILL NOT ALLOW HER TO EVER TALK ABOUT ME THAT WAY TO HIM AGAIN, HE REUFSED AND TO THIS DAY HE NEVER HAS DONE ANYTHING, SO I TOOK OUT A WARRANT FOR HER ARREST FOR WHAT THEY CALL TERRORISTIC THREAT AND TOOK HER TO COURT, HE HE SHE WAS PUT IN HER PLACE BY THE JUDGE ,WHICH IS A FELONY IF CONVICTED. SINCE THAT DAY HE STOPPED ALL FEELINGS TOWARD ME , HE HAS BEEN SO DISTANT. ALL WELL I HAVE PUT UP WITH MORE AND MORE CRAP AND I AM SICK OF HIM AND HIS EXCUSES.
NOW HERE IT IS WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 7 YRS AND WE HAVE ALWAYS SMOKED IN OUR HOUSE, AND THE CHILD HAS BEEN COMING EVERY OTHER WEEKEND AND THEN SOME , WELL ALL OF A SUDDEN THE CIG SMOKES BOTHERS HER , SHE DOESN'T FEEL GOOD, SO HUNNY SAYS NO MORE SMOKING IN THE HOUSE OR AROUND THE CHILD. IT STRIKES ME FUNNY THAT AFTER 7 YRS THE CHILD JUST NOW SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE CIG SMOKE, WELL THIS DIDN'T GO OVER WELL WITH ME AS I WAS ABRUPTLY TO STOP SMOKING IN MY OWN HOME, WELL I GOT A LITTLE ADDITUDE ABOUT IT AND THAT PISSED HUBBY OFF. WELL MY ADDITUDE WAS TOUGH WE HAVE BEEN SMOKING IN THE HOUSE ALL THESE YRS, MAYBE IT WAS THE WRONG ADDITUDE BUT DAM THE EX HAS ALWAYS MORE OR LESS TOLD HIM WHAT TO DO , AND NOW THE KID IS DOING IT , HELL YEA I GOT A ADDITUDE. WELL THE WEEK BEFORE ALL THIS CAME ABOUT MY HUSBAND SAID HE WAS NOT HAPPY AND HASN'T BEEN FOR A FEW YRS AND WANTED A DIVORCE, WELL DAM THAT WAS A SHOCK TO ME ! I HAD NO CLUE ! WELL 2 WEEKS AGO WHILE HIS CHILD WAS HERE WE GOT INTO A ARGUMENT OVER ME SMOKING IN THE HOUSE, AND ONE WORD LED TO ANOTER, AND HE SAID MORE OR LESS I WAS BEING A BITCH , THEN HE BROUGT UP THE DIVORCE AGAIN , AND WELL AS THE CONVERSTATION WENT ON ABOUT THIS I GOT UPSET I WAS CRYING HYSTERICALLY , HIS CHILD SEEING ME DOING THIS , WELL I GOT SO ANGRY I JUST PULLED MY GLASSES OFF MY FACE AND BENT THEM IN HALF AND POPED THE LENS OUT AND THREW THEM ON THE FLOOR AND CONTINUED BALLING MY HEART OUT. WELL HIS DAUGHTER SAID THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO COME OVER ANYMORE BECAUSE OF ME. SO NOW HE WANTS ME TO MOVE OUT AND WE SHOULD GET A LEGAL SEPARATION. I FEEL LIKE THE CHILD , THE EX ARE RUNNING OUR LIFE, AND MARRIAGE, AND HUBBY DOESN'T CARE ALL HE IS WORRIED ABOUT IS THAT HIS CHILD WILL NOT COME OVER ANYMORE , SO HE HAS CHOSEN TO SPIT UP OUR MARRIAGE, AND HE WILL KEEP MEDICAL INS ON ME , OH AND IF HE HAS THE MONEY HE WILL HELP ME GET MY MONTHLY MEDS, AS I HAVE HEART DIEASE, AND NUMEROUS MEDICAL PROBLEMS , HE MADE 52,000.00 THIS YEAR AND ALL I GET IS MEDICAL INS AND MAYBE MONEY FOR MEDS IF HE HAS IT ? SO AM I SUPPOSE TO JUST UP AND MOVE OUT TO PLEASE HIM AND THE CHILD AND THE EX ? I DON'T THINK SO , MY QUESTION IS: WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THE EX , THE CHILD AND THE HUSBAND WHO ONLY THINKS OF HIMSELF .
TELL ME AM I WRONG TO WANT A LIFE WHERE THE CHILD AND EX DO NOT MAKE THE DECSIONS AND HAVE HIM WRAPPED AROUND THEIR FINGERS . OH GOD HELP ME , HE IS GOING TO DRIVE ME TO INSANITY ! PLEASE HELP I APPRECIATE ALL CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

TMF's picture

husband pisses me off just hearing your story! I can only tell you what I would do, but it seems you will either have to divorce him, accept it and be unhappy, or he changes. Whatever you do don't stop smoking in your own home for petes sake, even though you really should quit, especially with heart disease. You did the right thing about taking the ex to court so don't ever second guess that. Now do you guys have children together? It didn't sound like it, so your husband will luck out and not have to pay you support. I think that many/not all second marriages are not taken as seriously by the man if there are no common children together. Sad but true, because the divorce is a one time deal whereas children are for life. Sure its not time to slip one in? lol Okaaay how about not getting into any arguments with him until you decide what to do, and for sure DON'T move out. The judge will decide how the house will be distributed so don't give him any edge. I found that very strange he wants you to move out, nice guy geeze! Whatever happens make sure you can be independent job wise, financially, and emotionally. Keep busy, and don't let your happiness depend on him. Really, if he has been doing all this for the ex apparently he didn't give the marriage much of a chance. For whatever reason he is in some sick relationship with his ex, but until you decide what to do I probably wouldn't argue with him. If you are financially strapped you may want to prolong a divorce until you can get on your feet and many women do that. Just start making a life plan and try and think rationally. Good Luck

sadgirl's picture

My DH and I are separated because of many of the issues you all listed above. Like Blueberrys Baby above, our counselor told me the same thing...actually said my husband had emeshment issues with his ex and probably we needed to divorce and possibly try again if he got true help. My DH to this day (and we are separated) can't understand what is going on...doesn't think she (EX) has anything to do with our problems...says, "it's you and me that I am concerned about...we can't fix her" YET, he runs over there to help with everything from taking the dogs out, to hanging christmas lights. None of the boundaries we talked about before marriage exist and while I do not believe there is physical stuff going on between them...in every other way their marriage still exists. I tried explaining the detrimental effect on not only our marriage but on his child but he doesn't see it...says he is "avoiding conflict" to be around kids...when I point out logic of established visitation which requires that he sees his child so that he doesn't have to beg or plead...he says this way he gets more time with child...truth is he gets child when it is his legal time to OR when she needs a "sitter"...that is it. Even though she left him...I was in her eyes the evil person who stole her husband (they were divorced 7 years before I met him by the way). I guess my point is when after 3 years I began to not be able to tolerate the emeshment...he left. He probably did me a favor but it hurts. He says he misses me and is in pain but in the end...he chose his life with her...divorced but still acting in every other way except sex as her husband. I am sure somewhere he thinks it is best for his child (who I love and adore), but I know that it isn't and miss his child almost as much as I do him. I completely understand his need to be around his child as much as possible and am very reasonable about if there were a problem at his child's house...he would be there to assist...but hanging christmas lights wasn't exactly a problem and guess who hung the lights at our house...ME>

LMB's picture

My boyfriend's support to the birth mother of his child (3yrs.) is always in a hot/cold pattern. He has full custody of his son, and she see's him 2 nights out of the week from 7 pm-9am (his bedtime is at 8pm) which she then takes him to school and has him every other Saturday from 6 pm-9am Sunday. She is just an irresponsible/drunk of a person. Her problems are endless. My boyfriend feels so bad for his son that he has a mother like that. He tries to do things to help her out like fix her car, and buy her milk etc... He says he only does this for his son so his son can perceive he has a good mother. I never stuck my nose in it, but after time it began to frustrate me because I love them both so much that it hurt to see that she began walking all over the two of them. That is when I got involved and said to my boyfriend that he owe's her nothing even if it is for his son. He is just delaying the inevitable of his son seeing what she is really like. And his son's mom will never change. She is a bad influence and if you let the bad influence continue then when he thought he was trying to protect his son he is actually damaging his mental picture in the future. My boyfriend agreed. We do nothing for her anymore. She is on her own. That is the way it should be. But we always still fight with her and tell her how her decisions are affecting her child and then we seem to get more of a compromise from her.

bettyboop's picture

Has anyone expreienced this? My boyfriend has totally romanticized the memory of his ex. She is the one that had an affair and walked out on him. But yet he talks about her like she is Mother Theresa. I don't want him to bash her but rather have a realistic view of her.
She is always jerking him around as far a schedules and always asking him to do favors for her. She is engaged to be married but yet asks my boyfriend to do little things like return a movie. Not that it is a big deal but what the heck? And she isn't a stellar mom either. I know she loves her children but right now she is only thinking of herself and her new life.
I just wish he could see her for what she really is. He is almost protective of her? Anyone have any advice?

mother of 3's picture

Wow, I guess alot of women are going through the same sh@t. I have been with my BF for a year now. I Have 3 boys, he has a 9 year old son with his Ex of 12 years.

She cheated on him with a close family member for 5 years. He found out about it and left her. I guess while separated he still did things for her and said it was for the son.

I came in the pic 1 year after the breakup and she told her son that I was the reason that daddy was not coming back home. She also told the son that she hated me.

My bf and I have the son 3 days a week and 1 over night on the weekends. I love the child dearly and all the kids get along very well. The ex would call everyday to talk to him but she would always have the sons name in the conversation to make it sound like it was about him. Also she would call and ask my bf to go fix her car. On many occasions she called in the morning asking him to bring the child something for breakfast and to get her a coffee also,he would get out of our bed after making love to me and go do just that. I did got mad and the next time she called I told him that if he went I would not be here when he got back and guess what he did not go.

Since then it has not been as bad but I still think that he needs to speak up to her, he said that he don't want to fight because of the kids, but the kid is not there when they talk because she calls him when the kid is in school and he is at work. I hate that. why not call him at our house. She knows that for the same 3 days every week we have son and she knows when we pick him up, but she will still call and ask when are you coming to get him. I told him to tell her about that and that if plans were to change we would call her.

Another thing that bugs me is that she has another son from a previous relationship and he pays child support for him and his son. I don't mind that so much but she still calls him asking for money to get the kids movies/games, lunches at school, hair cuts, clothing, and so on.(I think she does it so can have extra money for herself) he always gives her money towards it, But why when he already gave her CS and every other day she is wasting money on things for herself that she don't need. should he pay the extra money.

Should I put my foot down and tell him I don't want him talking to her at all or am I being selfish because I know she wants him back because she has told him on the phone.

MRG's picture

Well my dear sounds like you have some issues here as well. First of all you say that during your first few months together he used to go when she called. I assume that he don't go as often now as he did, which is great. Although I think that even though she has hurt him he still did not want the relationship to end. Doing things for her is something he is use to doing and will take some time to get use to.
He should not have to worry about fighting around the son because he should not be dealing with her. As you said she still wishes she had him back, with that in mind he should not have any contact with her because with any conversation she will have with him she will feed off of that.
You said that you have the child the 3 same days of the week and she still calls him to confirm. You need to put your foot down and let her know that this is the time we will get him, and if there is a problem we will contact you. She is just using it for Air time and to have conversation with him. Sometimes you have to speak to the ex when the kids are involved but not every day. Only in emergencys. Thats why we have schedules made up for. All 3 of you need to make up a schedule and stick with it. Then she could not have that excuse to call him again.
As to the child support, you are right he don't have to give her extra money, the CS is for clothing, school lunches and so on. If he wanted the child in sports or music then he will have to pay for that, but she do not make that decision to put him in and have the dad pay, that is her dime she cannot make that call unless you agreed to it. again all these issues are being used to keep contact with him and if I were you I would sit your BF down and have a good chat with him about this and how it makes you feel. If he loves you he will do anything to make you happy. Your Marriage is the #1 then your kids. You are giving them a happy home and if your not happy the kids are not happy.

Dont think that you are asking to much of him. If he don't understand you then you have to ask yourself this question, Do you want to be second fiddle to the ex and their child. He has to put you marriage first then the kids and things will be great for you all.

good luck.