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Grandmothers 'obsession' with SS.

One Step Back's picture

Has anyone seen this before? Is this normal or am I overreacting?

My MIL seems to be obsessed with SS7. We had a huge argument the other day as I told her that she doesn't bother with mine and OH's baby girl and lavishes her time, money and affection on SS.
She blew at me telling me that as the adult in mine and SS's relationship I should make him feel wanted and love him.

Why should I love someone else's child?! I won't even look after him anymore as he's not a pleasant child, at all and he treats MIL like filth!
She also told me that I hadn't allowed her to bond with my daughter as she had SS because I hadn't left DD with her like SS had been. Just to clarify - SS had been dumped on MIL every time BM wanted to go out and get wrecked - which was A LOT!
My DD is BF for a start and I don't believe in going out and get drunk whilst I have a baby but especially when I'm BF - plus I like to bring my own children up myself, with rules, regulations and discipline - unlike SS who has none at all.

Her whole life revolves around making this child happy to the point where she's going to only have strict supervised access to our DD from now on. Her attitude is not healthy for our DD and I certainly don't want her thinking she's not equal to SS.

My OH stayed at hers this weekend with SS and MIL told him to take a shower with SS - not shower him, TAKE a shower with him. He didn't. Is this really wrong or is it me?! Made me feel quite nauseous...

Orange County Ca's picture

OH? BF?

Only your husband can limit your step-sons visits to Grandma but you're on the right track by keeping your daughter supervised.

One Step Back's picture

I use MIL as easier than partners mother and breast fed/breast feeding.

MIL has direct arrangements with BM for access to SS whenever she wants.
She's not allowed in my home anymore and DD isn't allowed to be around MIL and SS at the same time. She'll see her with OH for a few hours once a month. I don't want DD growing up close to her in any way. I'm sad for my OH but he's allowed his own mother to get like this with his son!

I personally think she needs some sort of psychiatric help. This cannot be normal...

One Step Back's picture

I can't even begin to tell you how miserable this woman has made my life.

I finally grew some balls and told her how it was and that's how she tried to turn it round on me. I've now washed my hands of the woman - with my OH's blessing and it feels great.

I'm completely in control of my own home - no interference and OH has pulled his socks up and is finally disciplining properly. SS has no one to bounce off around our family anymore and DD doesn't have her horrible influences.

These people make you question yourself though. My OH is starting to realise that his mothers behaviour isn't right, but it's taken him a long time. I can't wait to hear how SS treats her when he grows up. He pushes her physically and mentally and is verbally abusive, but she soaks it up like a sponge! I can't see him not treating her like crap in years to come.

Thank you for your input Smile

One Step Back's picture

I don't want my daughter lavished with anything, but you cannot be seen to be treating one child differently from another.
She's crazy when it comes to SS for sure, otherwise apart from being not the sharpest tool in the box, she's ok.

Notice that I have only just stopped her seeing my daughter since the argument, which was last Monday... I couldn't give a monkeys what she does now because it won't be able to hurt my daughter.

momof5_1969's picture

My DH's ex-MIL was like this with his first child even while he was married to SD24's mother. She would take SD24 out to go do things, and leave the other three at the house -- all the while knowing that SD24 was going out with Grandma and getting spoiled by Grandma.

I can tell you the results of that -- SD24 is spoiled rotten, a brat, and incredibly difficult to deal with as an adult -- let alone while she was a teenager (forget about that!).

I wish you luck in navigating the next few 11 years until this child turns 18. UG!!

One Step Back's picture

That is a really big worry but OH will not put up with his poor behaviour in our house. I can only imagine what SS is going to be like with her!

One Step Back's picture

She was taking him out and spending a fortune on him, buying more at Christmas, sending my OH a lot of money to give him for one day out - that kind of thing, whereas my daughter gets nothing from her.

BethAnne's picture

The first time I met my MIL she told me that her and her mother each favored a different son. My GrandMIL favored my husband's younger brother as she felt that her daughter (my MIL) favored her eldest son (my husband). I told this to my husband, he said that he had realized that his GM favored his brother over him but never connected it to being favored by his mom. No idea why I was told this on first meeting with MIL? So it seems some relatives feel a need to try to even up the "love" perhaps? Today youngest son (27ish?) lives rent free with GM and barely talks to his mom, even though she is at GM's house most days. And my husband has a good relationship with both mom and GM, but does feel like his brother was always given stuff whilst he had to work for it (ie cars, free rent etc) but they get on well as brothers.

One Step Back's picture

At least they get on. My MIL was left for 2 minutes with both SS and DD when she was maybe a month old and when I got back from the kitchen SS was right up in DD's face, taunting her about how 'his' dad was taking him out and not her! I've never left them alone with her since. MIL didn't even try stop SS. Just let him intimidate a few week old baby. Ridiculous...

It's starting to affect my OH and SS's relationship though for sure.

One Step Back's picture

He doesn't swear at her, he back chats her. I've heard him tell her 'It's not all about you, you know' when told she's taking him out. He's rude to waiting staff when out for a meal and she does nothing about it. All sorts of rudeness.

I completely agree about family. What she doesn't seem to realise is that he's treating her badly now and it'll only get worse!

I appreciate all comments, thank you Smile

Sparklelady's picture

She's pissing on her territory lol... Shes just another rotten bio mom! Handle her the same way you would an actual bio mom - shes no different!

One Step Back's picture

Strange you say that as my mum said exactly the same to me. MIL seems so obsessed that I'm beginning to wonder.

Telling people who aren't family that we need to love him?

I'll tell you the freakiest part of this too - and MIL was here when this happened. SS actually was caught searching the internet trying to find pictures of his father naked when he was 6. OH has been very careful round him since and then she suggests that?!!

One Step Back's picture

Yes she did! They'd been to the gym and when he went to run the shower for him she told OH I front of SS to TAKE a shower with him...

One Step Back's picture

Be accountable - I totally agree with you. I really do. Other Half (we aren't married yet - maybe never at this rate!) has let her get away with far too much. It started off with him being very irresponsible and immature with SS when he was an infant, then we've gone through hell with him playing Mr Guilty Daddy and recently it seems to have clicked with him that they're all damaging Golden Child but MIL seems to have some massive hold over him.

I have to say, that during my argument with MIL he actually stood up to her and agreed with me. She told me she'd never forgive me or speak to me again for the same things that OH said to her and she agreed with!

I really don't care if she never speaks to me again. I'm in control and in the driving seat now. She cannot control OH when it comes to my daughter. I call the shots.

I don't think she should be allowed complete access to SS via BM. I'm working on that but unfortunately I have no control over BM whatsoever. She used to hate BM when OH was with her, now it's my turn I guess.
No woman will ever be good enough for OH and SS. She's hellbent on destroying all his relationships...

One Step Back's picture

I felt really angry for a while but now I'm glad DD will barely see MIL. She's not the sort of influence I want my baby girl growing up around.
I have a great dislike for unruly, whiny, self entitled brats and am determined not to have the same. I've got 3 grown ups that have turned out pretty damn well, so hopefully I'll do ok without her interference.

Do you feel the same? Better your influence than hers...

One Step Back's picture

Good for you! It's amazing that when their little boys suddenly become men and cut the apron strings, it's got to be our fault!
I'm still working on my OH and getting him to take control when he should be having SS instead of letting BM just give SS to MIL and then OH having to run around to go get him.

OH has a chronic illness and all the running around this weekend has made him very sick.

Strangely, my dd did very similar to my MIL the last time she picked her up, about 2 months ago!

QueenBeau's picture

I'm afraid MIL will be this way when DH & I have children. SD spent a lot of summers (basidcally at least a month every summer of her life) like 20 hours away from BM at their house.

My child will not spend a month with them alone every until they are much older. They didn't even take time off work last year, just bounced SD back & forth to the babysitter. That ain't goin on for my child.

Take time off & come visit. I'm not loaning you my child. I'm not letting you override what I say to my child (IE undermining SD's discipline when DH IS around). Ain't gon happen.

I feel like because of that, & because she feels 'so sorry' for SD7 because her mom is a piece of crap - she will treat SD like gold & my child like... well not like crap - just like silver or something.

One Step Back's picture

Thank you for your insight. Very interesting and I'm just sorry you've been through it.

As much as we make light of the situation at times, it has taken me to some downright dark, nasty places. Locked in my room on many occasions when she's been spoiling SS downstairs and undermining my OH's every move.

I'm not marrying anyone until the situation is fully resolved where I know she cannot interfere in my relationship. Just today I told him to man up and stop letting her take control of him and SS. When he does then I may consider settling into marriage. For now I still have my own property that I could move back into with a little time if necessary.

I love him but I won't have my life dictated to by his mother.

The shower thing turned my stomach...

One Step Back's picture

I've had the same thing as you, as in MIL walking in and the first question is 'How is SS'. No one else, just him. Before she'd even sat down. The visit was to see DD as we were going away for a few weeks. All DD received from her was 'hello'. Nothing more.

She has been cut off completely from me. I'm very much happier now. My DD is well loved by many people and doesn't need MIL.

I truly hope your situation improves but you're lucky that you have a supportive partner. Mine is improving day by day!

Best of luck with your pregnancy and birth Smile

Rags's picture

We have did not have an issue with this from our side of the blended family fence. With Sperm Grandma on the otherhand, we had to deal with this crap in spades.

Sperm Grandhag is such a toxic and manipulative POS that we had to spend notable time and resources pummeling her in to submission over the 16+ years that our CO was in effect.

One Step Back's picture

Wow, that's extreme for a new outfit!

I think the reason that MIL suggested showering together is to get them bonded better than he's bonded with our daughter. I really can't understand why she doesn't think it's as sickening as everyone else does. The woman need a psychiatrist, I swear...