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SD calls me mom and it makes me nauseous!

Someoneelse's picture

SD has done SOOOOO much to distance herself from this house, and I was SOOOO pleased. I was content with her NEVER wanting to come back... but now she's going out of her way to make sure that she is spending time over here. She wants to go to her mom's family's house for easter weekend because they have a yearly crawfish family reunion thing, she asked DH if she could come to our house the week before to make sure that she spends time with us.

And I get that she deserves time with her father... but after ALL the $#!t she has done to hurt us ALL, I don't like spending ANY time with her. She's literally turned into her mother, who is the MOST manipulative lying, hateful narcissist. When SD was 5yo her mother told her not to call me mom because it would break her heart. and I was fine with that, I NEVER looked to be her MOM, just a positive female role model in her life. but that turned out not to work, SD STILL turned out to be hateful and at every turn tried to tear our family apart.

SD at some point started calling me Momma (which where we are momma is a common thing for you to call your mother at any age) which from day ONE made me nauseous... It give me the feeling like "Even though I try to destroy your family, I want you to treat me, look at me, and love me like your own children"

Things that she does:
ALWAYS blames everything that happens on my DD18, my DD18 is depressed, has attempted to commit su!c!de a few times... She is akward, and quirky, possibly (not diagnosed) is on the autism spectrum. she would CONSTANTLY get made fun of and harrassed at school and on the school bus (which I cannot help, that is going to happen, but home should be a safe haven, but wasn't, she would ALWAYS get made to be "in trouble because SD would be HORRIFICALLY mean to her, and as SOON as DD would yell at her or tell her to get out of her room, and SD would torment her even more, DD would PUSH her out of her room (I get it that she shouldn't be laying hands on anyone, and that WAS addressed as well) but I also get that she is harassed ALL day at school for being different, and she couldn't be herself at home either as long as SD is there. And so DD got to the point that since she couldn't have a safe haven ANYWHERE she wanted to die... SD ACTIVELY was pushing EVERY button that she knew would get DD to explode... this was back when DD18 was about 12 or 13

KNOWING that DD17 has SEVERE anxiety and OCD and needs things done in a certain way, in a certain pattern, when mom offered to watch all 3 girls and have them sleep over, I would give hugs before we left (this was back when DD17 was about 8 or so). I would hug SD, DD18 (9ish at the time) and then littlest DD. then SD would come back for another hug (KNOWING it was going to affect DD). At the time my mother thought I was just too harsh on SD and that I should treat SD as I would my own kids so I would give SD another hug, but then I would go back to give DD another hug, and then SD would repeat, but that would be where I would tell SD no, I already gave you one, you're done. but it was more about the intent that bothers me. this was EVERY TIME they went to spend the night at my mother's house.

The fact that at every turn she would try to get SOMEONE in trouble, INCLUDING ME! She would twist EVERY word I said. I mention that she has heartburn a lot, maybe she should see a doctor. She tells DH that I am making fun of her. I didn't know that she was coming for the weekend, because DH had been switching weekends A LOT. so I made something with almonds (SD is allergic SUPPOSEDLY) and make some without almonds, and she ended up coming. I had forgotten that something I made, she couldn't have. She asked if she coudl have one, and I said sure, but less than a second later I stopped her. She may have taken 1 bite at that point. nothing happened so I didn't think to mention it to DH. Well the weekend was over and SD had gone home, and then 2 days later BM called DH pissed that I "MADE" SD eat something that had almonds.

Then this past summer she got PISSED because her hair clip had gotten broken, and she SWORE up and down that DD17 did it, and was complaining TO DD18. Well, DD18 text DD17 (who was with me because I was taking her to the doctor) and DD said she didn't break it (I was the one who broke it, but hadn't told her because she was napping and woke up to see it while we were gone). Well, then When I got home I walked in on DD18 being reprimanded for telling on SD to DD when she "didn't know what actually happened" because apparently SD is telling everyone that she DIDN'T talk to DD and "DD was eaves dropping and telling DD17 things she knows nothing about" But sorry, SD There was a video.... SOOOO after this, SD stopped coming for MONTHS, because "DH is detrimental to her mental health"

There are stories apon stories like this these are just the ones off the top of my head. but this past weekend when she was here she called me "momma" again, and it made me physically SICK! I can't stand SD and for her to call me that is insane...

Shieldmaiden's picture

SD sounds manipulative, because she probably learned it from her mom. My SD's had the same issues. They really, really wanted my love, but they weren't allowed to want my love because it would displease BM. Its a tough situation to be in, because you don't want to reward manipulative behavior, but making SD feel like an outsider may make it worse. You should be true to yourself and to your bio daughter, but also remember that SD is a kid, although she is acting like her mom. You could try calling out her behavior one-on-one, later. Saying "I noticed you asked for a second hug. You don't have to compete with (biodaughter) for my attention. In fact, I am more likely to want to give you hugs if I don't feel like you are trying to make BD feel bad. I care about you a lot, and I know you see other people doing things like that, but its really not healthy for our relationship. I want us to have a happy, open loving relationship, and that means we both respect how the other person feels."  Or something like that. (age appropriate, of course). With my 3 SD's it took many years for them to see how damaging their biomom's family is. In fact, just yesterday my teen SD was telling me how their grandma (biomom's mom) drove them home and screamed like a crazy woman at traffic, swearing in front of their 6 and 9 year old cousins, and telling them to shut up. They never would have told us this a few years ago. It would have been kept secret. Now they are seeing it for what it is - emotional abuse. Back then, it would have seemed normal. My point is, you are modeling good and healthy parenting to her right now. She isn't mature enough to understand what she is feeling, but she knows something is up with her mom. Keep up the good work and hang in there. I know how hard it is. I have lived it for 12 years now. Only 2 out of 3 of the SD's have been able to face the truth about their biomom. 

Someoneelse's picture

SD is 17 she sounds youg, because she's very infantile, as that's how BM raised her... but she is almost an adult

Rags's picture

You have two DDs with anxiety conditions, etc... SD is pulling  her shit to get attention claiming mental health issues to take focus away from your DDs. 

IMHO of course.

Someoneelse's picture

I absolutely agree! Sd is always about her, and what she can get, and what can benefit her. I get that, that is "normal" to an extent for most kids and teenagers... but Sd17 is like to such an extent that is ridiculous, and then on top of it, she pretends that she's so generous and thoughtful and kind... like "girl, where?" 

Rags's picture

would have been met with extrememly unpleasant consequences. While teen angst, hormonally based puberty psychosis, and teen brain farts (that one is particularly boy focued, at least it was for me), etc... are common for every kid to go through to some extent, they make choices with their brain, not their hormones or emotions. Those that come to that realization sooner, have less drama than those who comt to that realization later... or worse... not at all.

I do not go to "nomal" when behavior deviates from standards of reasonable behavior.  

IMHO, it is the parent's job to train kids through the various phases of varying growing up induced psychosis. How easy or how hard that may be on the kid, is up to the kid.  Make good decisions, have pleasent outcomes. Make stupid choices, have unpleasant experiences.

IMHO is it simple and direct. Cause.... meet effect.

KISS and kids can figure it out.

Dogmom1321's picture

Ick. That would make me sick too. When SD was 5 she wanted to call me mom but BM had a problem with it. Told her to not listen to me. Was just dad's girlfriend, Was stealing her dad away from her, etc. Obviously PASd. Well I disengaged a couple of years ago and it was the best feeling ever. If SD12 wanted to randomly start calling me 'mom' again I could tell it would be totally ingenuine and just trying to be manipulative. No one destroys your life that much for no reason then flips it off like a switch. I started embracing I wasn't her mom when I was disengaging. No more laundry, rides with friends, shopping money, enforcing bedtime, buying groceries, etc. She was right. I WASN"T her mom and for sure stopped acting like I was trying to be her. 

Someoneelse's picture

exactly! I am disengaged until it comes to it affecting my own children, then I will re engage as much as needed. But I DO feel like it's her manipulation tactic... like she's playing nice only for so long, and then either if she GETS what she wants, or sees she's NOT going to get what she wants, it's all going to go down the SH** hole