Financial Dealings in your marriage?
Just curious how other steps manage their financial decisions? My thoughts is that I would like to have a joint account for DH and I that handles all our house bills and saving for things for us like buying a new life, save for a holiday or renovations or what ever. To do this together. I've always wanted this even before we were married. DH dosent want it and seems to want independence so he can do what ever he wants to. People who have followed my previous posts know that due to shady dealings regarding SD21, and her miraculously buying a $40k horse, ( I declared I no longer trust him) know that he has supported her over his own wife and doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset. It nearly broke us up, in fact I asked him to leave. Now he tells me he has rented a house from his father ( because I had asked him to leave... But in the mean time we had made a committment to re establish our marriage and leave our (my) issues about my SD21 behind for the sake of our marriage, but now he has a rental? It's his fathers house and apparently he is committed to renovating it so he can do it up so someone can rent it out from him. He hasn't signed any paper work ( contract) but want relinquish this rental. To me it speaks volumes of his need to maintain his independence in case we don't work out ( and we won't because I still think he is acting in good faith with his own wife).
So no joint account and he is yet to pay the electricity bill but now has paid for materials to start these renovations so some one else can take over the rent he has Promised his father he would pay. It makes no sense to me! Oh.... And it looks like he has his daughter on his payroll now as I'm seeing regular payments of $900 a fortnight or a month Coming out of his account. I have only just got access ( been asking for the past 18 months and he only gave it to me as I told him I could no longer live like this anymore) I have always wanted open and honest financial transparency and although I now have access to his accounts, I ask myself now what? I still don't have any say in what's happening and my wage pays for the monthly mortgage which is way more than the bills that come ( his responsibility.... And yet the electricity bill still sits there unpaid).
If I were you, I'd walk. He
If I were you, I'd walk. He doesn't seem to want to make the commitment and is determined to support his adult daughter. Bloody pathetic and useless as a hubby, if you ask me.
I'm gathering his comeback
I'm gathering his comeback will be that his daughter works for him. He has a catering business. There's no way for me to check, other than to ask him directly or ask his co worker who won't want to get involved. I'm just going to casually ask him is she working for him? I know she does from time to time but that specific amount is being transferred into her business account means that she has regular hours.
That's a lot of money for
That's a lot of money for catering work!! Does he realize how he is damaging his daughter by spoiling her like that? I agree with some of the other commenters, though. If he isn't listening to you, there's nothing else you can really do but walk.
For sure Wilow and he has
For sure Wilow and he has always been good at being creative with buying things.... His cars etc are all in his kids names .. He has no property.
He thinks he is helping his Daugher to get a start up in life. He dosent see the damage and he thinkz I'm being unreasonable by insisting WE are the team together not him and her... And how I'm insisting on financial transparency. He hates it as he hates being accountable to anyone else but himself. Well don't get married then. Why bother!
Given how he is behaving, I
Given how he is behaving, I think having your finances as separate as possible is the way to go. So right now you pay more for expenses than he does, yet he can afford to give SD $900 a month? That doesn't seem right.
Some people here split all expenses by percentage of income. You could also just split expenses 50/50.
He should be contributing fairly to mutual expenses before he gives money to SD or invests in the other house. You need to protect your financial future - especially if you split up.
This is my take too... Not
This is my take too... Not ideal seeing we are suppose to be making that commitment together for the sake of our marriage. And him having a rental in the wings might be good then I know he has no excuse this time if I ask him to leave again.
Other than this shit, he is amazing around the house and is so helpful and is baling the hay for my horses as we speak. So I'm asking myself does it really matter what he does with his $ and does it really matter that we aren't on the same page financially? It's not ideal but what relationship is?
If he was totally upfront
If he was totally upfront with you about finances, I think you could work it out. You could either compromise or keep your finances completely separate. But since he is less then forthcoming about his finances - I don't see where you have any choice but to protect yourself.
But - everyone has things that are deal breakers and things that are not. I could not handle it if my DH spent large amounts of money, or entered into contracts, without talking to me first. If you can figure out a way to come to terms with it, and not let it bother you - maybe you can let it go. Like you said, he has some very positive qualities. You will have to decide if they balance the finance issue.
Thank you ... Yes... This is
Thank you ... Yes... This is probably where I'm at as its not what I want necessarily but its all he is offering me in a marriage.
The situation you've
The situation you've described in no way represents a normal marriage.
For me, it's all about trust, loyalty, and honesty. You can't trust him - otherwise there would be total transparency. His first loyalty is to his daughter, and he's willing to lie to you to keep funneling money to his daughter. That's three strikes.
This guy is renting a house from his daddy? Sounds like he has one foot out the door already. Let him go. He's already got a (mini) wife.
This is where I'm so confused
This is where I'm so confused Sally because this is both our second marriage and I'm happy to have separate accounts ( he has kids and so do I) but how do you feel being on the same page financially then? Where does planning for our future or a holiday Happen? I honestly feel like I'm a flat mate with him living in my house and sharing my bed... And he does me a favour now and then by baling the hay etc. I dont feel protected and secure.
What you said Exjuliemccoy... I guess I've got a traditional idea of what a marriage is and I'm just expecting more from him re feeling connected on so many other levels than sharing the bed as we don't share a child together. How do other steps manage if? I at least want a joint account for the house but people say its a good thing everything is separate...
Yes... It is the same one.
Yes... It is the same one. She is shady and he is enabling her and covering her shady arse... He dosent care about how it affects me his own wife. He covered for her and paid me the $1000 so essentially I paid myself $500 becauzs we are married ..
I'm over it now and he has left our ( my) home. I'm done!
It's my house. All mine and
It's my house. All mine and in my name.
And I'm figuring that if he insists on being financially independent now why would he want to be finacially dependent in our retirement three strikes? Too late to change habits then.
Thank you for following my
Thank you for following my story Tommar and you get my dillemma! I raised the issue about him paying his daughter a reguLar amount of $900 asking if she is on staff with him as a worker and she isn't but he says he is paying for when she does nights for him .... I don't believe him and Im pretty positive she doesn't work enough nights to constitute $900 a month or what ever time frame he is giving her that amount of money. It could be paying off the horse or it might be because he is just helping her out. Either way he needs to pay the electricity bill asap. I won't let it go!
I'm going to sit down with him and ask him how he sees us in the future... What does he want from being married and what are his goals. I'm feeling more and more like a flat mate with benefits and he deliberately excludes me from his life .... Except when in bed together.
Definitely time to start looking out for me.
From what you said in your
From what you said in your post, he's setting himself up to leave you. I would get my ducks in a row.
Is there a chance that he
Is there a chance that he will be using the rental for his other wife...er, I mean daughter?
No trust = no marriage. So
No trust = no marriage.
So true! I'm trying hard to accept he can do what he likes with his money and I can with mine but then where's the partnership in that formula? I guess I'm expecting more from being in a marriage and at the moment I feel like I'm his flat mate with benefits.
The rental? Mini wife wouldn't live there as she is renting a horse property in a town an hour away. She makes her money renting out her paddocks to other people and buying and selling horses. She is so dodgy at it too and will rip you off as quick as look at you. Apparently she was given a horse for free ( an off the track race horse) providing she keeps it for a year to allow it to settle down and learn how to be a horse ( without the rigours of training and racing etc) and within 3-4 months she is advertising it for sale. She blatantly breaks verbal agreements and refuses to answer her phone and texts as to why she has done if. Just so dodgy! Her reputation in our state is now shot and she dosent care. It's always someone else's fault! I can't stand her.
My theory? He is doing up the rental for his son and his boyfriend to have access to the granny flat ( they are 16 and 15 respectively) as rental has a cute separate granny flat out the back which is set up for independent living. I get this feeling that's his plans despite his sons age. Or that he is going to buy this property off of his father at a reduced rate and pay it off creatively so his son can live there out the back and he can either live there himself ( should he move out) or rent out the front. I don't care either way and I'm happy to have his son live else where. His son has been hard work BUT as an adult and mother to my own three daughters..... Who allows a 16 year old to live independently? It's just a theory at this stage as Dh said in a throw away manned about the two boys staying out in the granny flat. Then mentioned quickly that he is fixing it up so he can get someone to rent the whole property.
I get that I told him to leave and he organised this rental but it's the way he communicated it too me that is suss. If he was renting it when he said he agreed to take over it, why didn't he move then and why tell me only after we " had reconciled"? And now he is spending time and money renovating it for someone else to rent but I'm sensing he is doing it up so his son can live there as well. Again he can do what ever he wants its his son... So why not be upfront and just tell me his plans?
Yeah... Bottom line is I no longer trust him and I just can't quantify why as he always has a come back line but I don't believe that anymore.
I'm not sure how to handle things moving forward now as by all intends and purposes we are aupposed to be re committing to each other but once again it's on his terms.
UPDATE: I just had an
UPDATE: I just had an interesting conversation with my SS16 this morning as my DH was down at the house doing more renovations... It appears DH has always wanted to "take over the renting of his fathers property" with the view to buying it off him probably at a reduced rate and via a special way of paying it off. The fact that I had asked him to leave and a rental pops up I think was coincidence and he has been wanting to grab it and rent it for a while. Now it's vacant he has taken it over and I believe he would of irrespective of me asking him to leave or not. This will be his escape house I predict and every fight we have he will run to it as I can't say leave my house anymore as he will have his place to go to. And yes about the granny flat being designated to his son to eventually live there. It's been planned for a while and Im the last to know and he can now say it's because I've asked him to leave and he needs it to protect himself and his son.
And I also found out about the $900 regular payment too... It's to cover her rent as SD21 can't afford it! She can buy a $40k horse and not have money to pay her rent as daddeeeeee will help her out! WTF! It's never going to end and we will never be a team. This is the reality of the situation.
from the first year of a
from the first year of a twenty year marriage i split finances after dh let me know that what is his is his and what is mine is his. i thought it would get better but it never did. skids and in laws sucking up all the money dh makes. bil is a drug addicted loser and just lost his job.
even if dh leaves and your split up make sure your finances are separate. its easier to sort out when the lawyers look at it.
Oooohhhhh hugs Sugar! What
Oooohhhhh hugs Sugar! What your DH said really sends a message to you and that is your not a member of my team! That must hurt!
Its so exhausting preparing for DH to leave instead of enjoying being in a marriage together. Having one foot out the door keeps having true intimacy at bay. All I know through all this is that I don't want to wake up 20 years later and look back on having the illusion of being in a wonderful marriage when it's not. I turned 50 this year and I divorced my first husband after being married for 24 years because of being excluded from his life as well. Seems I didn't learn a lesson by marrying this one too!
never mind... Better a lesson learned then never learned. There's something faulty with who I'm choosing as a mate for life and I'm planning on working on me to find out what's going on.
Good luck with your situation. Be true to yourself
Update: he stayed over at has
Update: he stayed over at has rental last night after telling me to fuck off! :jawdrop:
Reason? He popped home to pick up some more tools to take back and we have hardly seen each other lately on top of having recently reconciled from having so many issues to do with SD21..... I was feeling a little needy and was happy to see him so I walked into the shed happy to see him and cheerily said Hi!! He grunted a greeting back that was like a reluctant hello... You know the one where people say when they are pissed and can't be bothered granting you any time because you annoy them? That style of greeting back to me. It hurt and I said ooh gee thanks for the greeting and he flew me... Told me to fuck off and then all this bull shit on me telling him off and him now being in trouble for not saying hello in the way I want it and Blah blah blah... I just looked at him shocked and turned around and walked away from him all the while he continues to say I'm the one who acted unreasonable to his reaction to my cheery hello.
That's it for me now. I don't like who he is as a person as this behaviour is becoming way too frequently these last 6 months. And know he has his rental he will be staying down there Im guessing from now on. It's my fault that I'm the bitch for expecting a cherry hello!! Yeah buddy I see you are trying to pick a fight so you can tell the world what a bitch I am to live with as all he wants is peace and quiet. What a nasty piece of work he is.
He can stay down there and now I'm taking the steps to get the paper work for a divorce. We married in April this year and we only had 3 months of " Happiness" followed by 6 months of hell thanks to him and SD21. I refused to waste my life and happiness on any man.
AND the electricity bill remains unpaid still... Sitting on the dining table!
So sorry, Stormy. Truthfully,
So sorry, Stormy. Truthfully, I'd rather be alone than live like that, though. ((Hugs))
Well it certainly looks that
Well it certainly looks that way hereiam.... All good. I refuse to chase him or reward his childish behavior. I deserve more than what he is giving me.
Time to pack up his and his
Time to pack up his and his brats belongings and send them to his new address/home.
I would keep one of his tools which can be sold to pay the electricity bill.
That's exactly what has
That's exactly what has happened now power family.. He is now staying in the rental but is now telling me he dosent intend moving into this house and is organising a person to take over the rental (?????) and is planning on finding another rental outside of the township... Wtf! So hence he is dragging his arse collecting his things which I'm sure is designed to wear me down so eventually we "make up again" and we just go back to how it was before... He just dosent see his part in the dysfunction and thinks I'm the one who is just never happy or is dragging things out... And he excuses his verbal abuse ( telling me to fuck off) as he was under pressure And how he is always doing everything for everyone.. Blah blah... Ai just reminded him that an abuser always blames the victim..... He dosent see his behavior and minimises it and blames me for not not cutting him some slack ( he can't believe we have broken up over a swear word that he didn't mean to say as he was stressed)... He dosent get its been a living hell these last 3 months of our megher 6 months marriage.. and thinks he's done everything he can to provide and do for me.....!!!!
Sigh
Get some help and move his
Get some help and move his stuff to the front porch. Change the locks and let him know he can come pick his things up.
{{Hugs}} Stormy, I'm sorry
{{Hugs}} Stormy, I'm sorry that you're getting figuratively "hit upside the head" with this mess. I remember the horse and that silliness.
Consider a deadline for him to move his stuff out along your timeline, not on his nebulous 'looking for another apt.' You could become a free storage unit for months and months. If he wants to reconcile, he can do that from a separate apt. Bet he can find one w/in the week. You can go back to dating, get some therapy and have your own safe place.
Wish I had more for you tonight.