Eyes Wide Open
I've been pretty active here lately. I guess that's how you know things are bad. I had 2 life changing conversations with SO in the last week. I think the blindfold is completely off now, and I see him, us, for what it really is.
I sat down one night and AGAIN (I guess I love to be emotionally battered) expressed how I felt he wasn't pulling his weight around the house. Long convo short he said that he didn't think I was a "good partner" bc I expect him to do things around the house. In the moment my heart shattered yet again. Now, a week later I replay the convo and roll my f*****g eyes. Who does he think he is? God himself? And it would be one thing if he treated me like I was an absolute priority and gave me all the affection I beg for. But he gives nothing, nada, zip. But still expects me to bleed myself dry.
Convo #2. We got some trees to put into our yard. And I had a moment of excitement and happiness. But I had to check myself bc after all...it isn't MY house. It's HIS and he's made that clear to me many times. He noticed my face so I shared what I was thinking. Long convo short, he said he hasnt put me on the deed of the house bc I'm a scary person to be with bc I'm unreasonable, stubborn, lack loyalty. I asked why he even asked me to marry him. His response was "I keep waiting for you to change." In that very moment it was like I woke up. We've been in therapy together for a good 3 months and he somehow still thinks he has no part to play in our relationship.
My therapist that I see on my own has called my SO a narcissist after only a few stories I've shared with her. I have since watched a few videos and even started reading a book on narcissism. I relate to sooo much in these videos. And the one single consistent thing is that these ppl don't change. I have decided this relationship is no longer for me. It's been an exhausting week. I cry every morning. I feel like the last 13 years were wasted. I'm so f*****g angry that none of it was really even "real." But I'm also so very heartbroken, bc I do still care about him. My therapist said it is most likely I will stay with him until I hate him. And yes im still here in the house, i havent told him how i feel and dont plan to. I guess its common amongst narc survivors. I miss "him" so much and I think that's the hardest part to grasp. That the "him" I miss was never even there. He was someone I made him out to be. I sometimes hate myself for starting therapy, bc it made me aware of things I kept a blind eye to. And maybe, just maybe, that if I never started things would be ok. And I know deep down that's a lie too. Bc when I really think about it, my relationship was never ok. And I've never truly been happy. Praying to the universe that I can make it thru this. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I need a drink to get into bed. Thinking about taking a leave from work, I'm pretty much useless. I just sit here at my desk and cry. Will it ever get better? Does someone out there have the magic cure to this seemingly never ending soul crushing sadness?
Help
If anyone has any advice, for me to live here with him, while I detach and come up with an exit plan, it would be appreciated.
One Thing
that I can comment on....what your therapist said about you staying till you hate him. PLEASE. Do NOT do that. Get your exit plan in place and get out as fast as you can. Hating someone ONLY hurts you. Hate is a powerful emotion and hard to overcome, and RARELY does it do anything to the person you hate, especially a Narc.
I got to the point of hating a couple of DHs kids (adults). It has taken me a while to overcome that. Today, I stay away from DHs kids so they cannot impact me any further in life.
Protect your heart.
EDIT: I'm not saying don't be angry. Yes! Be angry!
I own my own house
I make my own money. I can't tell you how freeing it is when you don't have to suffer fools. I'm beholden to no man and I do what I wish. IF a man can't behave and treat me properly, then he can hit the door because I don't need a man for anything at all. It is so freeing!!!!! I hope you can get to that point. You'll be surprised what you won't put up with.
I do have a job. One that
I do have a job. One that pays a decent amount for my area and the fact that I have no college education. But we all come with a past, and trauma that will forever impact our decisions and reasoning for doing things. I come from abusive drug addict parents that dumped me with grandma at the age of 8. But not before being raped regularly by my Moms boyfriend. Grandma made sure to tell me on a routine basis while on a drinking bender that the only reason she kept me and my siblings was bc of the money she got from the state and food stamps. Not to mention having a physically abusive boyfriend in high school. So yes some of us are a little warped in the head. Some of us get into relationships with men that manipulate us. And yes, some of us make mistakes. We tell ourselves our "sacrifices" for the relationship will pay off in the end.
While I hope your comment was well intended I didnt receive it that way. Give grace to those of us that are still finding our way.
I"m sorry you went through
I"m sorry you went through that. Nobody should ever have to deal with abuse, especially not on that level, especially not as a child.
You seem to be as lucid about this relationship as you are about the past so here's what I am hoping for you ... Put your STBX in your past and make a break with all of your abuse, sweeping it neatly into a part of your brain where you can ignore it. Once you are out, block him from all means of contacting you. Your STBX is no better than the others who have abused and/or used you. Turn towards the future and draw up a list of what you want to do with your life and how you are going to get that. You have the determination to do that. Make a 5-year plan and a 10-year plan and go for it!
This is your life and nobody else gets a say in how you live it!
PS - I suggest you read reedle2021's posts to see how she escaped her own private hell. They're very inspiring.
Your perception of
Your perception of NoWireCoatHangers is evidence, IMO, of you being triggered due to your own filters. Her post was a sassy, take no BS kind of post meant to let you know that it can feel GREAT to be on your own and beholden to no one. I echo her sentiment. I got fed up being a doormat for the men in my life so I went back to college and earned a bachelor's and master's degree. I divorced my first husband and started my career. I now own two houses and I don't need a man for sh&t. I have been seeing someone for the last few years, but that seems to be close to an end.
I was married to a covert narcissist and it was HELL getting away from him. The HELL was the trauma bond. Please stick with your counseling and make a plan to escape. Escaping my narc ex was easy compared with breaking the trauma bond. That was likely one of the most painful experiences of my life.
Thank you
You're right, I can see it being her own way of saying to get tf out of there asap. So NoWireCoatHangers, I apologize. I'm just too emotional, and yes it clearly was a trigger. I still have some growing to do.
I do believe my SO is a covert narc. How did you do it? I keep thinking this time it will be different. And that maybe it wasn't so bad, and maybe I overreacted for most of it. And how did you know, FOR SURE, you were ready and strong enough to leave?
I find that when I'm in a bad
I find that when I'm in a bad situation.. what helps.. is putting a plan into place and executing it. When my DH and I were divorcing.. we lived together for a couple months until we could sell our home and move. (we had moved across the country.. didn't have friends or family in the new area.. so neither of us really had a place to go.. and we just lived like roomates in the house).
I actually found that we got along better after the decision to split was made.. I had a plan.. I was executing.. I was taking back control of my life.. that helped. and.. yes.. you are mourning the relationship that could have been.. but realizing he never was what you thought
NARCS can be super hard to
NARCS can be super hard to get away from because they are like a drug, when they treat you good it's so good, but when they treat you bad it's so bad. You might have to leave and cut him off cold turkey to start the detox.
((HUGS))
Im so sorry you are going through this. Im so sorry for what you have gone through all the years.
I think that you are starting in the right direction. Therapy, venting here. Talking it through with people that have gone through similar things that you have, it is all really healing.
You are in mourning for the relationship you thought you were going to have. That is another leap towards healing.
You sound very raw emotionally. I have been there too. Sometimes you need to do what I term "wallow in the pool of grief".
Then you get your strength back. pick yourself up, and make progress in a more positive direction.
So. after you have done some grieving, I think part of your healing will be to reach out to your friends (doesnt sound like you have solid family relationships...) and ask for their help too.
You do not share assets, you have separate finances, and you have a job. Start squirreling money away. Stop spending any additional money that will add to HIS assets and HIS lovely home. ONLY pay your fair share, for bills, and food.
He wants you to change? Ok, well stop being intimate. Thats a change...
He thinks you are unstable? Ok, well stop confiding in him. Thats a change.
You have a lifetime of good ahead of you, dont let your sunk cost of years in a bad relationship hold you back.
Take care of YOU.
I am sorry for all you have suffered in life.
Your story makes me so angry for you and at those who hurt you.
Now, leave. Do not mistake whatever you are feeling for this asshat as caring or love.
It isn't. He hasn't earned either.
Take care of you.
Hi
Been in your shoes for 5 years. I dont know if i had to endure narc abuse but some abuse definitely. It was bad. It was so hard to leave.
I left. My life went exponentially better I would say...pretty much since day 1. I had peace, and I missed peace,autonomy, my own space, my own decisions. Nothing compares,certainely not this rel you have. 1 year later I am happily married, no kids no baggage. changed citties, live in the capital...and all is dandy. Pls dont waste anymore time. not 1 day. not 1 hour. It's not worth it and it's serious. You will get better, in time.It's a given.
I think you're a very strong
I think you're a very strong person and I know you can leave and make a wonderful life for yourself!