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Encouragement needed.

Stepmomkate1's picture

Just read a post on here that got me thinking. So I made a list of good vs bad Regarding my situation with DH and it’s scary. 

THE GOOD. Cheaper to live together than single. Having Physical support if needed. I’ve  had both thyroid and skin cancer so the fear of it coming back and being alone is scary as hell. I work long hours so DH can let the dogs out. If I die DH will take care of my dogs. My fur babies. Someone to fix Manly things around the house that I don’t know or want to do. That’s it for the good. 

THE BAD. Spolied ROTTEN SS who totally Disrespects me. DH who refuses to Discipline his brat and allows him to treat me like crap. Everything is planned around what SS wants to do. If we have dinner plans and SS decides he does not want to go we don’t go. This goes for any other plans we have. A controlling, always money Seeking, in your face BM. DH cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. DH and SS are total pack rats and refuse to throw or sell anything so our house is Constantly in a state of turmoil. 




GrabitAndGo's picture

Do you want encouragement to stay, or encouragement to go?  You need to help us out here....

tog redux's picture

You can get all of the good stuff from a responsible roommate, dog sitter and handyman. 


Justthesecondwife's picture

like there is a lot of good in your marriage. You didn't mention anything about how your DH treats you other than things he does, which others could do. Is there any respect between you? Trust? I was going to tell you to disengage with your SS and stand up for yourself with your DH with regard to insisting on keeping plans regardless of SS not wanting to go etc. That was until you said your DH had cheated. 

That's a dealbreaker for me, even without the other issues going on in your life. Why woud you trust him to look after you if you were sick or dying when you can't trust him to be faithful?

You deserve better than staying with a cheating man who lets his kid treat you badly. 

somethingwicked's picture

Start making plans to liberate yourself from this dark place..You can save money towards a goal of leaving if needed, start developing a new "safety net" of friends.

I understand your fear of cancer but you are cancer free now and should live your life in health rather than thinking you'll again have cancer and  so you STAY in this disrespectful ,overall negative for you relationship.Stress causes illness. Depression cause physical ailments.

Since DH is all good with his spawn treating you like dirt and DH is happy to put you and the marriage last I'd think about confronting DH outright about changing this dynamic or ending it. Put you first and live your best healthy life. 

StrawberryPie's picture

I encourage you to get a roommate. Preferably one that can do stuff around the house and likes to walk dogs. Then you would have really improved your situation. You get all the upsides and non of the downside. 

Life is too short to put up with this nonsense!

Iamwoman's picture

Cheating would have been the immediate deal breaker for me. Putting up with the rest of the bad stuff is just beyond me.

I agree with others that you should move out and get a roommate.

hereiam's picture

Nothing in the "good" column pertains to your husband, specifically. So, all of that (and more) can be found elsewhere.

The bad column, though? I would have been out of there a LONG time ago.

ndc's picture

Oh, the bad outweighs the good, for sure.  All of those "good" things can be obtained elsewhere, without the aggravation of a bratty, disrespectful kid or a cheating husband.  Move on.

SCDad01's picture

How old is SS?  Whether or not he will be out of the house soon might count towards what you do.

Having said that, your DH cheating would have sealed the deal for me.  Sorry, but once a cheat, always a cheat. 


HowLongIsForever's picture

If your good and bad points are an honest effort...

Forget the bad for a minute.  The only positives you can list in your marriage are the same qualities you can obtain by hiring a service. 

Is that the narrative you want for the story of your life?

You deserve better, even if you don't know what better looks like.


Rags's picture

If that is all of the good.....  you are getting the short end of this stick.  A Church can provide  everything on that short list.

Siemprematahari's picture

Doesn't seem like you have much of a marriage and it appears that what you do need is a home health aide should you require health assistance should you ever become sick. I think the caretaking is why you tolerate your H's sh!t and you can get that taken cared of by having an aide via your insurance.

Also remember that stress tends to bring out dis-ease/sickness and dealing with all this chaos can be a cause to have your illnesses resurface~just food for thought.

Wishing you healthy vibes!

hereiam's picture

Besides, OP, will your husband really take care of you when you need him? What if SS needs him, instead?

Merry's picture

Good start.

NOW make a list of things that you need to be happy.

Priority in your own marriage would be one thing to include on that list. (If you and DH decide on restaurant A and SS wants Restaurant B, you go to Restaurant A, end of discussion. If DH can't even do that much for you, then you really don't have much of a partner.)

Once you make that list, then it's time for a convo with DH because you cannot continue to live in misery. If he won't hear that you're unhappy and if he won't make changes so that you will become happier, then your choice is becomes more clear. To be clear, HE is not responsible for your happiness--you are. But you can't be happy living in the current environment, so you need to take steps to change it.

Evil3's picture

Aside from the cheating being a deal-breaker for me, I can tell you that your SS sounds exactly like my SD30. She was a stage-five clinger and literally obsessed with Daddddeeeeeeee. SD was Disney parented and infantilized. Mini-spouses that get fawned on and overly coddled do not get BFs or GFs when their peers do. So, they do not give us exhausted sparents a break. These kids do not have fulsome friendships, so they never leave the house. They remain enmeshed with Daddddeeeeeee and Dadddddeeee will literally sabotage any sign of healing or maturity in the kid because Dad cannot afford for any healing/improvement to take place. These dads will ruin everything. These kids do not launch when their peers do. They don't reach any of the milestones that their peers do. That kid is not going anywhere and he is not going to give you any breaks.

I figured I'd let you know that to add to your "cons" list.