Embarassed by SS, don't want him around my family
Forums:
I am embarassed by my SS. nearly everything about him. He is nothing like his dad (my husband). Husband is pushing for us to take him on vacation to my family's ranch. I don't want him around my mom, dad, aunts, etc. because he is a poor reflection. No social skills, awkward, thinks he knows it all, the way he dresses/acts/his hair, etc, etc. How do I get out of taking him? He has been on many trips with us before, he is 19 yrs old. Is it unreasonable for me to expect he starts doing things on his own with friends instead of being around my family?
"I did all of that
"I did all of that when he was a kid. He is an adult now and it is time for him to start working on finding his own way in life. We should not be holding him back by treating him like he is still a child." Rinse and repeat for this and anything else applicable.
Yes!
I try to explain that often. His lack of building peer relationships doesn't improve by us compensating for it. It will only perpetuate his dependence on us when we don't allow him to figure it out on his own. I've been stressing this for years. Stepping in when he chooses to not make friends doesn't help him build social skills. He needs to develop these skills so he can function as an adult without us propping him up. I know husband feels bad for him and guilty that he can't "fix" it but it's not helpful for anyone.
He's not a reflection on you,
He's not a reflection on you, you aren't his parent.
Reflection on DH
He is a poor reflection on his dad even though DH doesn't appear to feel so.
My SSstb20 lives with his
My SSstb20 lives with his mother, is doing nothing with his life, plays video games and eats all day. He went to Thanksgiving dinner with us with his hair greasy and standing up, and my mother later said he smelled bad.
I don't see that as a reflection of DH - SS is his own person, and he's an adult. As long as he's respectful to everyone, he can come along (though not on vacations, just for holidays!)
How does this SS treat you,
How does this SS treat you, and how has he historically treated you? If he ignores you, or is disrespectful to you, or in any way does not treat you the way he should, then I think it's easy. You tell DH that it would be humiliating for you, and distressing for your parents, for them to see you treated that way. If he's a decent kid, just a poor reflection, it's harder, and I think I'd go with telling him that he's not a minor kid anymore and you'd prefer that it just be you and DH. I don't think you accomplish much other than upsetting your DH if you tell him you don't want to take him because he's an embarrassment to you and a poor reflection on the man you chose to be your husband. I'm not sure why your DH would expect you to take an adult skid who no longer lives with you on a visit to YOUR family anyway.
I can totally understand you
I can totally understand you not wanting to bring your ss to your parents' ranch for vacation. It's sure a nice gesture, but i know I for one will try all I can to avoid that too. I too also feel embarrassed taking my SS12 out just about anywhere. Your SS also just sound like mine...
If you can say no, just say no.
Glad it isn't just me
It's hard because he isn't a "bad" kid or rude. I know I have sone issues as a result of my parents being judgemental. So dragging SK along makes it mentally and emotionally tolling on me. I'm his step, not his biological. He has 3 different sets of grandparents and has aunt and uncles. I've always felt I should be able to keep my family separate. He didn't grow up around them and it can be a lot of work for me to handle them (they are divorced so I get two times the anxiety already). Adding one more to the mix ups the stress level for me.
Tell DH exactly what you have
Tell DH exactly what you have told us and inform DH that you are not comfortable including SS in your family experience.
Don't avoid the discussion. Confront it head on. SS is no longer a minor so there is no need to include him 100% of the time.
This needs to be your and DH's time with your family. If for some reason DH refuses to go without SS, go without them both.
I have always given my DW space to have time with her family without me. I go on about 25-30% of her trips to visit with her family. Any more would drive me nuckin futz. She is with me 98% of visits with my family. My family is her family. She is very cognizant of the fact that my parents are far more her parents than her own parents have ever been. She and my mom are BFF's/partners in mischief. She and my dad are extremely close. They call her their daughter. The do not call my brother's wife their daughter. That relationship is very different than the one they have with my wife.
Temper inclusion of SS into your time with your family based on his behavior and your comfort level.
Enjoy your vacation.