Do you reap what you sow?
I've been a step mum for 12 years since my SS was almost 3 years old. His BM walked out on my husband the day after his second birthday having had an affair with a work colleague who she is now married to and they have since had another child.
Despite the circumstances and the fact that she had the affair and has moved on she has never accepted my role in his life refusing to acknowledge me, try to ban me from important events and the first day of school (her husband was allowed to attend) and trying her hardest to ostracise me and my husband from playing an active part in the things that mattered most to my SS as he was growing up - from friendship groups at school to sporting clubs.
Despite this we have tried everything to be as involved as we can and show our support for him however difficult it has been made. I have personally really struggled with the way I have been judged and treated by other people (mainly school mums) who don't know me and have believed a series of half truths and blatant lies. I was told by one of BM's old friends (BM didnt realise that we were connected) that she told her that my husband and I were the ones who had the affair - so I presume that this is what she tells everyone (and probably worse) which is why we have been treated so unfairly. My husband tells me to rise above it and not care how people like that behave as it's a reflection on them not me - I agree he's right but can't just switch off my feelings.
I really resent how her husband has been hailed as a hero while I am treated dreadfully. I always felt that if I gave unconditional love to my SS and put 100% into our relationship that you reap what you sow and there would be a happy ever after... apparently not.
He is now 15 and I feel like we are becoming more and more distant. I appreciate that part of this will be natural teenage behaviour but it goes past that. This year something happened which was a bit of a breaking point for me. My birthday finally fell on a weekend which he was due to be with us ( I never get to celebrate my birthday with him) so I was really excited. I planned a party with family and friends, he was going to be baking a cake, made sure he has a friend coming so that he had teenage company, planned what food/drinks he liked (you would think it was his birthday not mine!) Only a few days before his mum got tickets for something on our weekend without speaking to us (we dont have the privilege of being able to book stuff on her weekend) and he wanted to go to that with her instead. What hurt the most was when I sent him a message saying naturally I was disappointed as I wanted to share the occasion with him but understood this was exciting for him and wanted what was best for him if he wanted to go, I didnt even get a reply.
I refuse to get into a 'who can book the best activity' game with BM - that's unhealthy for everyone but I can't help feel really let down by him. This was so important to me and he just didnt seem to care.
I also feel sometimes he can be a bit arrogant and look down on us which I attribute to his mum having made an imaginary class divide between us (he relayed to us when he was little the clothes we put him in were cheap and that she made comments about our holidays etc...) theres absolutely no difference between our families - apart from we act with more integrity and arent materialistic.
There's been a build up of things recently and it's got to the point where if I am really honest I am wondering what the point is. I've spent 12 years investing in a relationship where I don't get anything back. When my husband and I try to talk to him he claims up and doesnt engage. Should I just cut my losses and disengage or am I wrong and expecting too much from a teenager? I've spent years putting his needs ahead of mine and it's getting tiresome.
I feel guilty just typing this as he is a kid but I feel ground down by the situation :(
Welcome to the site!
Always nice to welcome a fellow UK member! (not many of us). Please never feel guilty. You have put a lot into trying to be a good stepmother, but sadly sometimes this falls on rocky ground, especially where the BM doesn't "give permission" for the SM to have a relationship with her kids. (see the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin) Far from "reaping what you sow" - the more you try to make the step kids love you or at least have a little gratitude, the less they do. Best thing you can do now is stop making any more efforts for your SS, and disengage. There is a whole section on that here.
Where the heck is he father
Where the heck is he father in all this lack of respect coming at you?? Does he tolerate it from SS? Does he look the other way? Why didn't he stand up for you to SS?? You can do all you can to make them like you but if their own parent doens't defend you and demand respect from the beginning, its hard to maintain it later.
I hope for your sake he comes round in his twenties and returns to being nice to you.
Thanks for the replies!
Firstly I appreciate the comments, this is the first time I've posted and have spent the last 12 years not having anyone to talk to who is in the same situation. I wish I had found a network sooner!
Thank you - will take a look at that book. I really hoped that there would be light at the end of the tunnel but having read through some posts on here tonight it appears that's not always the case...
Thankfully I do have a supportive husband, he has always involved me and refused for me to be banished from first day at school insisting it was either both step parents or none but as in most situation it's the BM who has all the power and she has exerted it whenever possible. Even stating GDPR and child safeguarding to try and get me blocked. We've spent the 12 last years being dictated to by someone who wants everything their own way and refuses to co-parent. He's been through the mill as much as I have and it's a hard situation for him too. He let SS know how disappointed he was in him but ultimately at 15 he is old enough to make his own choices, even if he is being manipulated. Like most of you I am sure, our marriage has gone through many ups and downs as a result of this and the constant stress. It got to a point last year where he showed SS some of the texts we'd received from BM threatening we wouldn't see him if she didnt get her way. So he is aware but I guess it's still his mum and he loves her - plus he has had years of brainwashing and is with her more than us. Her family, particularly her mum, have always reinforced the notion that we arent important.
I hope he sees sense in his twenties too but I guess part of that will be down to whether I fight on or choose to disengage for my own sanity at this stage
When you ask that question..
When you ask that question.. are you asking whether SS will see BM "for what she is"?
He may not be totally blind to her manipulations.. but he will likely always have a loyalty to her as his mother... and will likely not turn his back on her.
Also... I don't know.. in my household we don't make big "family" deals about our birthdays.. As an adult.. I wouldn't be thorwn or throw a party.. if I did have a party for some milestone, it would likely NOT include kids at all really.. and certainly wouldn't have been a catered to them deal like you did. I don't think he "got" that this was a big deal to you.. and whether BM knew or schemed to "steal" him... I don't think he was outright trying to hurt your feelings.. kids tend to be pretty self centered at that age.
I would just move forward with living your best life "in spite" of what BM and SS do. Maybe you don't need to feel so obligated to twist yourself in a knot for someone who doesn't have exactly reciprocal feelings.
Honestly.. this is a bit of a departure.. almost every other post on this site is "why can't the Skid be GONE on my special day" lol.
You're right....
I guess deep down you're right the question is will he ever see her for what she is and do the right thing? And the answer I guess will be no.
As for the party we're sociable people and I always celebrate my bday, I dont see anything wrong with that - it comes down to personal preference. Birthdays are important occasions to us and a chance to get together with family and friends including the kids.
But I agree I'm not going to feel obligated moving forward...
This reminds me of that
This reminds me of that saying.. there are three sides to everything.. your side, their side and the truth.
Look... I know that you don't like the woman and may have some very legitimate reasons for that. Her treatement of you.. your husband.. the kids.. you may have ample reason to have a poor opinion.. BUT... your opinion is somewhat biased due to your personal place in the dynamic. It may well be that she is not the crazy making person to every living human being and is capable of more normal relationships. So... you see her as a horrid person.. in reality.. she is flawed.. and everyone is really to some extent.
But.. she IS your SS's biological mother. He has a loyalty to her because she raised him.. nurtured him.. and protected him and comforted him throughout his life. As nice and pleasant as your interactions are with him.. she is just "more" for him because she is the natural biological mother. Just as a parent can see past some toxic kid behavior.. kids can look past it in their parents as well. It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't SEE it.. but their love for that person is still there... and a loyalty.
So.. to you, the right thing.. may not always be the right thing to him. It sounds like generally you have a decent relationship with him.. and it's unrealistic to expect him to "join up" with you in disliking his mother... even if she does things that cause conflict for you and him.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my SD. She loves her mother but also gets frustrated because her mother's flaws impact her life negatively. She will defend her if you attack her mother.. but will agree with the frustrations she deals with. It's a loyalty bind. My SD loves me and her dad.. but she still loves mom.. and it's not fair to make it a competitiion.. though her mom views it as such at times.. and it's hurtful to her daughter.. but it is something we can't control.. so she has to deal with it on her own. So.. will mom be shown for what she is? kids often do realize.. but they still are able to love them and can compartmentalize it to an extent. It's like siblings that fight and have rivalry but will defend each other from outsiders.
Joining up
To be clear in response to your comment about 'joining up against BM' I have never and would never want that - I am also a biological mum myself. I'm not asking or expecting him to turn against his mum, despite what she has done to us, but do I expect to be treated with respect having dedicated 12 years of my life to him and giving him nothing but love. Not replying to my text message when I have been gracious about the situation is not ok with me.
I came onto this forum because I have noone to talk to and I thought it would be a supportive environment where I could finally say how I feel without being judged. I dont expect everyone to agree with me but that comment and your previous comment about 'as an adult you wouldn't have a birthday party' comes across as rude and judgemental - we're all different.
I know we are all different..
I know we are all different.. and I didn't mean to say that you were waging a competition to have him choose between yourself and his mother.
When you say will he "do the right thing" it does seem to be saying that you believe that he should be aligned with you to an extent.. and I am trying to explain that even if he does see his mother's flaws.. he still will have loyalty to her.. over you.. and there may be times when she "wins" because the emotional risk to him is higher from her POV.
Again.. re the birthday thing.. I was trying to point out that not everyone is that "into" celebrating birthdays beyond the time they are children... that doesn't mean that it is stupid or wrong.. just that lots of people don't do it.. and in fact may not entirely "get" why you like it. AND... further to that.. perhaps your SS comes from that kind of school of thought.. so perhaps before you were on the scene.. birthdays.. esp parental ones.. weren't celebrated so large? so maybe he doesn't have that ingrained importance to attribute to yours. That was what I was trying to provide as one of the reasons he may have made the choice he did.
Quite ironically, the only birthday party I have had since I turned 12 years old was hosted by my 7 year old (at the time) stepdaughter. She invited my inlaws.. her cousins and aunts and uncles and got her dad to buy a cake and stuff.. because in her family.. the custom WAS to do things like that.. but It was a bit odd for me.. because we did not do that.. parties were for kids.
again.. different families may have different customs.. i didn't know if your DH's family fell into the other camp or not.
Sometimes it's therapitic to
Sometimes it's therapitic to write all this out even if you never get answers to your questions or what bothers you.
We are never parents, we will never get the unconditional love or the free passes that real parents do. We have to work twice as hard to just get acknowledged. If you are doing it for the recognition you are in the wrong business.
My advice is to not let a child dictate your self esteem or self worth. You don't have to change what you're doing one bit but don't let it affect you.
Sounds like a BM sabotage to
Sounds like a BM sabotage to me. She just so happens to have bought him tickets for something on your big weekend. Yeah, that's not a cooincidence. I don't know about your SS15, but that is a difficult age to step parent. At this age, they are feeling like they are more and more autonomous men/women, even if their mental/emotional maturity hasn't caught up yet. I found with my steps that I was a good deal closer to them when they were younger. As they got older, they lost interest in a relationship with me, except for one.
I completely relate to you asking what is the point... I must say, I feel completely used up with nothing to show for it but me being more distant to avoid the hurt their resentment causes me. I wasted so many years trying to reach out to them, tried so many angles, got engaged in their educations, made sure they had fun things to do, made sure they had plenty to eat, got them trendy clothes for school, got them gifts, convinced my Mother and siblings to send them all gifts on holidays as if they were my own. My mother has never forgotten even one step child birthday. Yet my mother is estranged from them and they are not grateful for me or my family's rememberance of them. They treat not only me, but my poor mother, like dirt. I am heartbroken, but heartbroken in silence. The disengagement is just damage control from what has already been done to my psyche.
I hope your case doesn't end up like mine. With you opening your heart in love to these children for over a decade, only to find out you were throwing it into a bottomless pit and nothing matters.
Thank you
Thanks steptotheright your message really helped just knowing I'm not the only one going through it (although I wouldn't wish it on you either!).
I guess the thing I can take away from the experience is knowing I did what I thought was right at the time.
Sending best wishes to you and your mum- I think my family will find themselves in the same situation.
Update
So I tried to disengage but it's just not in my nature, having come from a family where my step parents were disinterested I can't bring myself to be the same no matter how disrespected I feel.
So a year later my birthday comes around again and it's our turn to have him on the day. No big plans this time due to lockdown just looking forward to a family meal at home and film with the people I love having had a particularly awful month and waiting for results of a biopsy (which has since thankfully come back clear!)
Again something manages to come up on my birthday weekend so SS is unable to be with us. But here is the part that hurt the most I get a text from him that day telling me he is too busy to call me. After 13 years now of putting his needs ahead of mine he is too busy to take 5 minutes out of his day to call. I saw he was online later that evening so asked him if he had time to call his reply was he was busy, I asked him what he was up to and his response was 'making dinner'.
it was quite possibly the most hurtful thing so far because it was coming from him. His Dad challenged him on it and again he clammed up, refused to talk over than to say I would have to 'move on'.
there is a distinct difference between how he is when he is at home with us (kind, loving, cuddly even at his age!) to how he is and how he treats us when he is with them. He rarely texts or calls and never asks after us but when he is here he is on the phone to his other family all the time (which we have never discouraged). Having grown up with us being treated as unimportant by them I understand why but it's getting intolerable and despite trying to make him understand how it makes us feel it continues. Just to be clear, we don't want him to not call them when he is with us we would just like him to reciprocate when he is with them.
He is with us for Christmas and every time he is on the phone to them constantly it's like a stab in the heart that he wants to pick up the phone to talk about football or something inconsequential but couldn't wish me a happy birthday when he knew how important it was to me after last year . I don't want to jump to assumptions but knowing that he has grown up hearing disparaging comments about us I can't help but feel there is something going on behind the scenes.
Despite that I have spent the last month trying to make Christmas special for him, putting thought into gifts, food he likes and activities we can do in lockdown (he is on crutches so even going for a walk is a challenge) Quite honestly it would be easier if he wasn't here but it would hurt my own son who absolutely idolises his big brother and wants to spend as much time with him as possible.
I've come to realise that there is no magic advice I just need to put my thoughts into writing and let it out as I don't have anyone around me who has been in a similar situation. I'm not looking for judgement just looking for an outlet