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DH mystery solved

flmomma08's picture

The mystery is DH's missing money has been solved. Long story short, I found out over the weekend that he has been buying pills. A while back, he had an injury and was given pain pills and he has apparently gotten hooked on them. Since he can't keep getting prescriptions, he has been buying them on the street.

And I've basically been helping to finance it by letting him continue living here when he had no money to contribute and no reasonable explanation for why he had no money.

I'm surprised but I'm not... I knew something was going on but just hadn't found any evidence of anything until now.

I attempted to kick him out of the house but he basically refused to leave, saying he has nowhere to go and no money to get a hotel or anything.

I want to just take my daughter and leave myself, but the house is in my name and lord knows he won't pay any bills.

I'm so lost right now. Oh and I'm 7 months pregnant. I can't believe this is my life!

 

RisingtheWave80's picture

it's your home if you want him out you can make that happen. If he is refusing to seek help for his now addiction, then you could turn him into the authroities and they will remove him.

flmomma08's picture

They will only remove him if he is being violent and even then they will just make him stay somewhere else for the night. It's bs.

susanm's picture

But if they find opioids on him when they come or you know where he is keeping them and allow a search of the home, he will be charged with possession or possession with intent to distribute depending on how much he has.  That is a lot more than one night away unless he is bailed out.

Winterglow's picture

I'm vry glad you know now what he was hiding - one less ource of anxiety. Sooo.... what to do? You go down to the local courthouse and find out how to legally evict him and follow through. Remember, it is not your fault nor your problem that he has nowhere to go. The chances are that you have to give him 4 weeks notice. That should be plenty of time for him to sort out where he's going to go. At worst, he can always go back to his parents.

You, my dear, are going to stand your ground in your home.

flmomma08's picture

You are right. I just don't want to see his face right now so I did think about leaving but I know I can't just up and leave my own home. All the bills are in my name. It could only hurt me in the long run.

I wish his parents would take him back. They already made it clear thats not an option.

SteppedOut's picture

Oh well for him! He can get is addict ass out of your home. Shelter, tent, his car, whatevs as long as he's gone!

futurobrillante99's picture

He has to run out and get more pills at some point. When he does, change the locks. Then call police when he starts banging on the door. Tell them he's been buying pills on the street and is a danger to you and your children.

If he has money for pills, he has money to stay in a motel.

flmomma08's picture

Oh yeah he definitely has the money, at least on payday. He has been working. Just obviously spending his money on other things Dash 1 He just got paid on Friday, gave me NO money toward bills, missed his car payment that was due a few days ago, and now claims he's broke.

Harry's picture

For eviction.  Give him 10 days to get out.  There no helping him  he has to go into a program to get help.  He will be stealing from you next. So get a move on 

justmakingthebest's picture

I would tell him to get out within 24 hrs or you will tell the police, BM, his job, social media and anyone else who will listen. 

susanm's picture

I have to disagree.   A 7 months pregnant woman directly threatening a drug addict is not a good idea and can result in tragedy.  Obviously she needs to take action but it should never be a one-on-one confrontation.  That is why I suggested making use of any opioid resources her state has developed or, if there are none, she should go directly to the police for assistance.  This is a problem happening all across the country and law enforcement is used to dealing with it.  But there is genuine risk here.  Addicts are not the person you once knew and they will do things you never dreamed possible when threatened with exposure or being cut off from their supply.

flmomma08's picture

The only person I told so far is my friend who I asked about eviction, and his mom because I was hoping his parents would help me get him out but they were no help. They don't want to deal with it at their house either.

susanm's picture

I am not saying that you should not tell anyone.  Far from it!  I am just saying that making threats to him that you are going to shout from the rooftops that he is a junkie could cause him to become violent even if he has never raised a hand before.

flmomma08's picture

I'm too embarassed to tell anyone else just yet. If I weren't pregnant it wouldn't be SO bad. This is a nightmare.

Aniki's picture

Hon, YOU should not be embarassed. You're not the one illegally buying drugs. {{{hugs}}}

Gimlet's picture

Don't be embarrassed.  Truly, this could happen to anyone.  Opiates are highly addictive and should only be prescribed when they are able to be monitored closely and in situations where other alternatives are exhausted.

You don't need to suffer in silence and embarrassment.  While you cannot and should not trust him, and you should look after yourself, please don't add shame to the list of burdens you carry. 

susanm's picture

Make sure his life insurance.does not lapse.  If he is buying pills on the street, the chance of getting something tainted with fentanyl is very high.  Sorry to be so morbid but the bald facts of the opioid crisis are not pretty and you are pregnant.  

Many states have set up hotlines and other programs specifically designed to help families affected by opioids.  They can tell you what your local authorities will do to assist you in getting him treatment or just getting him away from you and your children if you are afraid of him now that you know his secret.  He is probably terrified that you will do something to cut off his supply and that is a dangerous place to be.  I doubt there is any scenario you could give them that they have not heard 4 times that day so don't be afraid or embarassed to reach out to help.  And don't be afraid of the potential of him getting arrested.  He is committing a crime while fighting an addiction and sometimes incarceration is the only thing that stops the cycle and actually saves their life.  But the number one issue is taking care of you and your children.

flmomma08's picture

Thank you. Unfortunately I have a sibling who is a heroin addict so one of my first thoughts was "not again."

I'm not afraid of him, I offered to take him to detox but he refused and that is when I told him he needs to leave.

I'm kind of still in shock right now - this all just happened yesterday.

flmomma08's picture

So I spoke to my good friend who has rental properties and deals with evictions. Legally, I have to give him 30 days notice in a notarized letter. If he doesn't leave by the end of the 30 days, at that point I can file for eviction and that can be a loooong process. I am hoping he will leave on his own and avoid all that.

I am glad the mystery is over but I am so sad about what he has done to our family. And yes he has refused to get help so I don't think there is anything I can do.

tog redux's picture

Ugh, I'm sorry.  Send him the eviction letter, but if he gets verbally violent or anything, call the police, they can make him leave without an eviction letter if he's being abusive to you.  Don't leave your own home, as hard as that will be to wait 30 days. OR, pay for him to have a room somewhere if that's the better alternative to being stuck with him. But be sure to rent it yourself, not give him the money.

 

flmomma08's picture

Thank you. He's never been abusive or violent toward anyone so I don't think that will be an issue, I just don't want the crap in my house or around my daughter. It just makes me sick. I don't think I could ever get past this - not even because of the addiction but because of all the lies.

Hmm renting a cheap motel for him might be an option. I don't want to look at his face for another month or more.

tog redux's picture

Drug addicts can surprise you with how they will behave. 

Just be careful you don't set a precendent for paying him spousal support. Consulting an attorney is a good idea. 

Gimlet's picture

Addicts lie.  They lie and lie and lie, because they are driven by the need.  Even if they were good people before the addiction, they will do things that will shock and hurt you because all that matters is that need. 

Please know this and protect yourself.  It does not sound like he's ready to get help.

flmomma08's picture

I offered to take him to get help and he refused. I probably would have even let him come back if he actually went to detox/rehab because honestly at this stage in my pregnancy and with a newborn coming in a couple months, I do need the help. I won't compromise on having drugs in the house or on him spending our bill money on drugs, but if he went and got help that would be another story. Of course I would never believe a word he says or trust him again, but I would deal with him for the short term due to the baby coming. At this point, since he refuses help, it seems hopeless.

Aniki's picture

Sweetie, I was with a cocaine addict who asked me for help. However, he had no intention of actually GETTING help. He simply told me what I wanted to hear so I would "get off his back". 

You need to do what's best for you and your baby. This stress is not good for you. You cannot worry about him and if he has a place to go or a park bench with his name on it. Your health and baby are your number one priorities.

Gimlet's picture

Aniki is right.   Also, the relapse rate for opiate addicts is high and many don't get clean the first time they seek help.  Opiates are incredibly addictive and hard to kick. Previous users can struggle with feeling empty for months to years while the brain resets itself.  It's usually not a short, easy process.

Right now you need to focus on you and your child. 

((Hugs)) to you.

Siemprematahari's picture

Flmomma, hope he realizes he has a problem and gets the help he so desperately needs. Start the process and file for eviction. It's better than standing around "hoping" he'll miraculously just leave which I don't think will happen. He has it made living with you rent and bill free while being able to financially enable his habit.

Wishing you well and a healthy pregnancy during this time.

flmomma08's picture

Thank you. He denied it at first, then admitted to it but still refused to get help and claims he can do it on his own.

I'm going to try to take a day off of work this week to go to the courthouse. It's about an hour away from me so it's a pain but it needs to be done.

notarelative's picture

Please go see a lawyer and make sure you are on solid legal grounds for whatever you do. What you need to do can vary by location. If you are not sure if who to see, call you local women's shelter and ask them for a referral.

flmomma08's picture

I will. I have already spoken to a lawyer because I was planning on filing for divorce before this all happened over the weekend, but I will call her and give her the update and see what she has to say.

CLove's picture

Im so sorry this is happening to you and your family. Sending you virtual hugs and prayers and positive energy.

Ive seen addiction as well, and its so sad. My neighbor, who is a REALLY good man, father, grandfather, hurt his back and is now addicted to pain pills.

Your newborn baby and you will conquer this new-found obstical. We are here to listen (read), please keep us posted!

steppingback's picture

They will find out eventually and you could use their help now. Some of them might already suspect. Please don't wait. Getting someone to move in is a great idea.

 

Dads_Wife's picture

So I did not read through this entire thread but my SO went through something similar before he met me. Basically the same story of an injury, a doctor threw him pills, and it became a problem. His was more of a work problem than a 'to the T' pill problem. He eventually found a pain management doctor that switched him over to Subutex, which is what he is on now. He has chronic nerve pain from two herinated discs that pinch three nerves. We work with one of the most highly respected spine surgeons in the state and a well like pain management/addiction specialist doctor. With all of this in mind, he is down to 1mg a day of Subutex and is about to jump off thanks to a finally successful nerve ablasion. Because of my experience with this, I don't frown down on people with this issue. I met SO when he was already on Subutex and not blowing money on pills. But if your H has a pain problem, it really can be very sad. From your verbaige, it doesn't sound like a pain problem and more of a habit problem. 

Good luck to you. Seriously. It is a lot to absorb.

flmomma08's picture

Thank you.

I do feel for people struggling with addiction. I've watched my brother struggle for years - he will tell you he WANTS to be clean, he doesn't want to live like this, and he will get clean for a little bit but then its right back to drugs. It it sad.

I think if DH had been honest that he was having trouble getting off the pills that would have been one thing, but I had just assumed he stopped taking them like anyone else would when their prescription was gone. Then things started to go downhill pretty fast so it must have been getting bad. Last month he basically spent our mortgage money on pills (the amount of money he shorted me was enough to pay the mortgage).

It is a lot. And its scary. I feel like I'm living with a complete stranger.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Don't use eviction to get him out, use family court. File for divorce or separation immediately. The court will grant temporary orders for possesion of the house and child custody. Given the circumstances, you should get the house. The court will order him out of the house until the next hearing. I think you can make this happen quicker than an eviction - ask your lawyer.

flmomma08's picture

Ah ok, I didn't know they did that. Thank you. I had to order a certified copy of our marriage certificate so I did that today - step 1 down. As soon as I receive that, I can go file.

Ispofacto's picture

Make him as uncomfortable as possible.  Cancel cable and internet, eat outside the home and stop buying groceries, etc.

 

flmomma08's picture

UPDATE:

This morning he agreed to go to detox. He gave a whole sob story about how he can't believe he did this to himself and to us, and how he doesn't want to live like this anymore. So I dropped him off this morning. Hoping he doesn't leave when he starts feeling like crap. I don't think I can ever be with him again, but I still want him to be ok for the kids.

SteppedOut's picture

Ugh. I mean, good he has agreed to get clean and all, but what about his job? Will he lose it? And will that be an excuse... I can't move out, we can't divorce now, etc. 

And, just like your bills related to your pregancy that he considers "not his bills", make sure he feels thw same about his rehab bill. 

flmomma08's picture

Honestly I don't know. I didn't even really think about any of that until later. As of now, I'm not planning on letting him back to the house. I am putting his stuff in bags and putting it in the garage.

I will definitely not pay a single bill of his. He has already left me in a bad spot with all the house bills on my own.

susanm's picture

How long is his program?  I would make it clear that he is not welcome back if he leaves before completion.  It would be a shame if your key should accidentally break off in the lock of the front door and you had to have the lock changed.  And of course you would have to have the back door changed too because you need them to match so that you use the same key on both.   Look, here is the receipt where the nice locksmith wrote out the reason for the call and that the change was necessary.  What an unfortunate coincidence!

flmomma08's picture

Haha, I like the way you think.

I don't think he will be there long - there's not many good rehab options where we live, they are mostly just detox centers where they get you through withdrawal and send you on your way. I am hoping they can help him get into a longer term program, but the place he is at right now will probably only keep him about a week - and that is if he doesn't leave early.

Gimlet's picture

Please take a look at the statistics around opiate relapse.  It is likely that he will.

The detox center should be able to provide a list of services.  Your husband should transition to inpatient and/or outpatient services and should consider a sober house.  It's not just detox and done, this is a marathon.   He should NOT transition home with a pregnant wife. 

You should have an Al-Anon network around you, which should also include Nar-Anon.  The more you can educate yourself, the better equipped you will be to understand and to call BS when needed.

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, unfortunately my brother has been an opiate addict for many years so I know the chances are slim, especially if he's not really committed to it. *sad*

I definitely can't deal with much more right now, especially being this far along in my pregnancy. I feel like he's going to put me into labor.

 

 

 

Gimlet's picture

I didn't see that, sorry for telling you what you already know.  My brother is one too, I can't count the number of rehab tries now and the number of times I attempted to make sure he was connecting with the services he needed.  

((Hugs)).  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I can relate to it somewhat but not being pregnant and having it be a partner.  Please try to take care of yourself and take all the support you can get.

flmomma08's picture

No it's ok, I definitely appreciate any advice or even just a response and support!

It sucks when its your brother too. That's the main reason we can't go stay at my mom's - he lives with her so I would just be leaving one addict to go live with another.

Thank you so much.

ESMOD's picture

Just wondering.  Are you renting your  home?  If so.. could you approach the landlord about getting out of the lease?  Do you have somewhere YOU could go while things are getting unwound? 

I had a somewhat similar situation with an EX... who turns out also had a girlfriend..and he tried to come back and take things that were not his.. He started to get violent.. I called the police.. he showed them a letter with his name and my address.. a home I 100% paid the mortgage on with never any help from him... they basically believed my side of the story and told him that if they had to come back.. and I had one scratch on me.. that HE was going to jail.. no questions asked.

Eviction is a hard process... but if you think you can get civilly through this.. then you give him a deadline.. or you make your deal with the devil and give him enough money to be gone long enough so that he is "no longer" a resident of your home.

flmomma08's picture

I wish. I own it, still have a mortgage on it, and its in my name.

I don't really have anywhere to go. I have my daughter and 2 dogs in addition to myself. I'm going to start thinking about what I want to do with this house. Rentals around here are pricey so it wouldn't make sense for me to sell and then rent - the rentals are higher than my mortgage. He left me in a really shitty spot.

I have most of his stuff in bags now so I think the easiest thing to do would be to just not let him back in the house. I don't know. What a mess.

flmomma08's picture

I have his keys so I probably don't need to change the locks but I could.

As far as family, right now they are saying no - they don't want to deal with this crap at their house. But if he truly was on the streets maybe they would change their mind. Hard to say.

Rags's picture

Call a locksmith, rekey the locks, call the police and turn them on to DH's drug buying habbits and move on with your life. No need for you to leave the home that you own.

Jail will give him a bed, food and oversight on his drug issues.

Move on, take care of you and your kids.

Congratulations on the baby.

flmomma08's picture

Thanks everyone. He’s been gone 3 nights now (in detox). I don’t plan on letting him back at the house right now. He doesn’t have a house key so I am just going to change the garage code before he gets out and that should be all I need to do. As soon as I receive our marriage certificate in the mail I can file for divorce. I already have the papers filled out. 

I appreciate all the support. 

bananaseedo's picture

flmomma- it could be different in your state- but in mine they only keep them on average 5 days FYI.  UNLESS he agrees to go straight into outpatient from there.

 

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, he only has a few days left. I wish it was longer. I'll talk to his mom soon and see if she is going to let him stay there. Regardless I don't plan on letting him back here. But it would be easier on everyone if there was already a plan in place for him to go somewhere else.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Oh god, i know you're a good person and this is terrible.

Is the home yours? If so, there is nothing stopping you from simply changing your locks and not answering your door the moment he heads out for a night, or if you were to call the police to have him removed for a night - change the locks then. Let him sleep in the driveway, what a useless load of flesh this human is.

I had an uncle who died of an overdose a few years back. We liked his wife better than him. She changed out the locks, and then called the police when he broke a window to get in. He got arrested.

flmomma08's picture

Yup, the house is mine. He is staying somewhere else for the time being. He doesn't have any keys to the house since he left his keys here when he went to detox. I hope he gets clean for the kids but I just can't deal with him any longer.