DH contemplating getting SD13 full time
Hi everyone,
I'm so grateful for this space. Here's my current situation--
Ive been married to DH for 5 years and we have two young boys together and I'm currently pregnant with our third. He has a daughter from a previous marriage. We see her about 1-2 times a year for extended times. I know he wishes he could see her more, and I'm grateful we don't. Overall, she is a pretty good kid; however, her BM doesn't really set boundaries as far as screen time and eating goes. She is basically on her phone ALL the time and is either borderline or just obese. Every time we have seen her, she has gotten bigger. Exercise is a huge part of my husband's life and I know it is hard for him to see his daughter this way. Trying to involve BM in the process is futile because she's overweight too and eating healthy doesn't seem to be a thing with her.
Anyway, SD is currently visiting now and he's brought up the idea of her staying with us full-time in the future if the opportunity comes up. The fact that he brought this up devastates me. He was a bigger kid when he was younger and believes he can help her with her weight. For selfish reasons, I don't want her to live with us full time especially when we will have 3 kids of our own. The idea of it is actually really depressing for me. I would feel like a guest in my own home as I'm sure she would too. We got into a big argument and I understand it's not what he wants to hear, but I don't want him thinking I'm ok with it. I also don't know if her coming to stay with us is really the best thing for her. She will be away from her mom and her friends, and she will ultimately be spending the most time with me.
I don't want to live in this constant fear of the day it's decided she will come live with us.
And BM is willing to give up CS ?
In fact BM will be paying you CS . I don't think so. BM will not give up that goose, and the golden CS
Didn't even think of the CS!
Didn't even think of the CS! Knowing my DH, if the roles reversed, he would not hold BM to pay CS and I already see the fights we would have over that! Ty!
I doubt BM will go along with this
Putting aside BM's probable wish for the CS to continue, is there any reason to think she would consent to this? I doubt it, you don't mention any kind of BM dysfunction aside from diet and exercise. Would you let one of your boys move elsewhere? Me, either.
You've made your position clear to DH. Coming from a family with a problematic food dynamic, he is unrealistic if he thinks your SD's patterns can be easily changed. I realize he wants the best for her but it would take much more than his fatherly influence. Good luck.
Aside from BM being bitter
Aside from BM being bitter and obviously the food issues, she does love her daughter and takes care of her overall. I agree totally that DH is somewhat arrogant with the idea that his daughter will just magically change with his influence and he said he was confident, not arrogant. I disagree but that's that. Thank you so much
How old is she? How many
How old is she? How many thousands do you have available to pour into the court battle that will ensue? Does he have any idea how long a battle like this can drag on? Does he realize that it's virtually impossible to change a situation like this?
She will be 13 in December. I
She will be 13 in December. I would say her losing close to 100 pounds would put her at a healthy weight.
He's expressed that he knows many things would need to align in order for it to happen, and I think he feels there may be a day where possible BM would see how much damage she's done and ask for his intervention but yeah, knowing her, I don't see that happening.
If she's 100 pounds above
If she's 100 pounds above healthy weight, she's way more than "borderline" obese. You say she has extended visits? How long is she with you for? Can't your husband help her with her weight while she's with you? At 12, she has to want to do it herself - maybe he could hook her up with a nutritionist or eating disorder specialist, or get her started on an exercise regimen. (I personally think losing weight is 95% diet, but exercise is a good thing for many other reasons). I don't see where flipping custody from a good mother will help.
I completely agree that it's
I completely agree that it's majorly diet. One can exercise all day and undo all of that by a crap diet, which she has. Yes, I'm sure there's more that could be done (limiting her screen time for starters), but he doesn't think we should because she is allowed to do that at BM's home and doesn't want her to feel more uncomfortable. I disagree with it but also to a certain extent don't care because it would honestly just be more work on my part to implement new rules because DH is at work most of the day. I agree that SD has to want to change, but her habits have been so ingrained at this point.
Talking about making this
Talking about making this change and actually doing it are very different things. Unless he wants to fight with BM over CS and go back to court it's unlikely to happen. Just draw a hard line that CS needs to be changed if she moves in.
In these situations I like to do a thing called "encouraging but not helpful." Go ahead and be positive towards your DH, give him some hollow encouraging statement but don't lift a finger to actually help... You're so busy with your kids after all... Most non custodial dads want you to do the hard work for them. If you don't this will probably peter out.
Don't pick a fight and say no but don't do anything to help, including giving advice.
"You got this babe"
That's really good advice. I
That's really good advice. I think oftentimes I fear that if I consent in any way to this idea, that it will somehow catapult it into action and therefore feel the need to strongly disagree with it. But you're right--at the end of the day, I'm busy with my own kiddos and the situation will most likely not happen. Ty!
Welcome to Step talk...
Welcome to Step talk...
Harry is right, bm will not give up that money. And now with most middle class income families getting that monthly tax money--NOPE she wont go down without a huge fight.
Here is the thing...unless mom is busted, handcuffed and head lowered into the back of a paddy wagon, cps called to find new placement for child temporarily of course (pfft) ,,,, it is unlikely custody will change.
Your dh would have to submit to the court for custody modification for change of circumstance. AND prove to the court this change is necessary for the overall well being of the child.
Now, I do know some parents who in concert with the kid, will tic off ALL the blocks in order to change custody. Kid will bottom out their grades, they will run away a few times, they will say they cant bond with anyone in the current house, they will say they want to be with their friends at non custodians house. Kid wants to be with church friends and church family at non custodians. Kid reports all these things to the Judge...tick tick tick away. BUTTTTT they want a relationship with current parent but feel much better living with non custodial.
BINGO custody can change.
Figure several thousands of dollars to get this done. Not 2 grand more like 5plus grand.
Good Luck
Thanks Thumper. You're right
Thanks Thumper. You're right and I guess despite her daughter's ballooning weight, the fact that her BM takes care of and seems to love her kid is a huge relief on my part. It's really hard to read her. She will be very, very rude to my DH and seem to want to pick fights with him (which he doesn't engage in which probably pisses her off even more), but she seems to be very responsive to me. I don't know if it's some mind eff she is trying to do or what, but thankfully she takes care of her kid for the most part. I hope she doesn't choose later on to send SD our way for good just to piss me off because I just don't know with this lady. Hope I'm not sounding too crazy! Ty!
What makes him think that any
What makes him think that any judge would rule to overturn the existing CO? Her mother has done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law and courts are generally unwilling to change more than tiny percentages of visitation. Taking a child from their mother to give to their father is even less likely. Besides, at 13, there are many judges who will listen to her opinion and she might not even want to live with you.
You might want to point out to your DuH that if he decides to go after this that he will not be using either your money or household money (why should your children go without because of this hare-brained idea of his?) so he'd better have very sturdy savings.
Finally, has he even consulted a lawyer yet?
Ty for your input! He
Ty for your input! He absolutely is aware that "the stars would have to align" in order for this to happen. He basically wants to hear from me that IF the opportunity ever came up, that I would have his back. I feel conflicted with the "I knew coming into this marriage that he had a child," but it's still so hard.
Ignore DH when he mentions it
Ignore DH when he mentions it. Don't worry. A judge will never overturn the current CO unless BM is putting SD in immediate danger. Drugs, violence, abuse, etc. Sounds like she is fine though. Brush it off.
Sounds like DH is out of touch with reality. Not even looking into details before he mentions it to SD? THAT'S doing damage right there. Does he ever think about if he's causing SD anxiety by mentioning she may not live with her mom any longer if "the opportunity presents it"? Or giving a false sense of hope?
We are in a pretty big
We are in a pretty big ongoing fight about it now. Been sleeping in separate beds the past couple nights so he can process what was said.
We haven't talked to SD about her coming here. I don't think he sees it as something that would happen any time soon. He just wants to know that IF it happens, I will support it. I don't.
I think all step-parents
I think all step-parents dread the idea of this request. I know I probably wouldn't be with my husband today if we had ended up with the skids full-time, having them 50% of the time was hard enough.
My advice is to not fight over stuff that hasn't and may never happen - there is enough tension as it is for blended families. Just let your husband know that your expectation is no offer and/or decision should be made in this space without talking to you first and the two of you agreeing. Other than that, there is no need to say anymore as it sounds highly unlikely to me that it will happen. A lazy teenager who gets to eat junk at her mothers is not likely to want to live with you, where she will face pressure to change her unhealthy ways.
I'm an old hand at step-parenting, been doing it for 14 years now and the best thing I've learned is to not worry about something that may never happen.
Ty. Very true that a lazy
Ty. Very true that a lazy teen will not want to change environments that will cause her to have to change her ways. It's also frustrating because DH doesn't seem to understand just how much of that work would be on me, not him. I'm the stay at home mom.. I will be the one cooking most of the meals and having to avoid certain foods in front of her. You're right that it's really not worth arguing about something that may never happen tho.
Agree
I don't think that taking her from her mom is the best idea. I have my 12 year old step full time and it sucks. Her BM is useless. By the way my husband excersizes and eats right but my step daughter is 150 lbs... so she will just eat regardless. Idk maybe him approaching her about her weight in a nice manner (ie offer nutritionist) would be better than having her live with you.. esp if she has been w/ her mom that long.
I can see where you are coming from ... having a step full time is no picnic.
Completely agree. If anything
Completely agree. If anything, the stress from being away from her comfort zone and freedoms she is used to May actually cause her to get even bigger. She's here for 2 more weeks and it feels like an eternity because it's so awkward between us. She just stays quiet and off-topic, but whenever we are walking somewhere, she always walks behind me. I've told her to walk beside me, but she still does it. It's so annoying! Anyway, the nutritionist is a good idea! Will definitely look into it!
Tell him no since he's
Tell him no since he's already banished himself to the couch. I can't believe he punishes you his wide when you don't behave by putting your needs above his wants.