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Dating a single dad and don't know if I should hang on or move on

ConfusedandLost's picture

So here it goes. I've been dating my boyfriend over 3 and a half years. He has a seven year old daughter who he gets every other weekend. I love him and her dearly but I'm starting to feel resentful. We're not married yet, nor even living together. I'm ready to move forward in our relationship and he says he wants that too, and that he is trying but financially he is struggling to have enough money for us to move out and for him to get me a ring so we can get engaged. I'm fine with renting and getting a modest ring but he says he wants me to have what I deserve. He won't rent because he thinks it's a waste, but he's struggling to have enough for a down payment on a house. His daughter is in catholic school so he helps pay for that, plus child support and they split her activity costs as well. So I understand that most of his money goes for her, but it's starting to effect our future. We're both nearing our thirties and I'm worried that if I stay and wait I'll never have children of my own. It's starting to really effect my well being. I tend to feel depressed over this and I get very hurt and emotional when people ask when we're getting married or having children. I love him and want to believe that he's going to give me the life I want with him. But I don't know when it's time to give up or if I should keep hanging on and just hope it all works out.

ndc's picture

Those sound like excuses to me.  You can get a modest ring (or a placeholder ring) until he can afford what he thinks you "deserve."  Where is he living now?  Is he renting?  If he's renting now, I don't see why he can't rent with you while you both save for a downpayment.  FWIW, owning is not always the best course.  He should know after 3.5 years whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  If he does, he shouldn't be putting it off because of housing or rings.  I am usually not a fan of ultimatums, but in this case, you might want to give him one so that you can move on if he's not prepared to start his family with you.

ConfusedandLost's picture

He's still living at home. We both are. I want to move out, but I can't afford to live on my own. So I either get a roommate or wait for him. I didn't want to get a roommate and then bail on the roommate to start a future with him. Which is why I've been just waiting. But I'm sick of waiting. I need to move forward with my life.

Rainydaze777's picture

Mine kept me waiting too. Though our wedding was planned for next month.

His estranged daughter came back into his life and everything we had planned went out the window and he was making everything about the kid without even asking me.

I bailed- no more putting my life on hold for him, his ex or the kid.

dearstepmotherofgod's picture

Good for you. I'm kind of in the same boat but not sure if I would be better off leaving and never looking back. I'm in love with my fiance but want nothing to do with his BM or kids.

Rainydaze777's picture

Exactly- I love him - madly

But wanted nothing to do with kid and ex wife and they made a comeback into his life and pretty much took over the whole situation.

TrueNorth77's picture

I also think he's making excuses. He has lived at home for 3.5 years, and he can't afford a down payment? How could he even afford a house payment then? If he can't even put away a few hundred dollars a month now to save for a down payment, how could he ever afford the $700/month (this is a low guestimate) house payment? If he wanted this bad enough- a house with you, marriage, he would be working a part-time job or extra hours to get it. My SO and I both work extra hours/jobs, and we don't even need to. It can be done.

I think you should move forward. Whether it's getting a roommate, whatever you need to do. You shouldn't put your life on hold for him- It's been 3-1/2 years, and nothing has changed. Why would you think that suddenly in the next year, he would buy a house and propose and you would have to ditch your roommate? Even if that did happen, you will figure it out. Live your life, and things will work out and become clearer to you.

 

Areyou's picture

Move on if you want to get married anytime soon and if you want to start having kids anytime soon. He has shown that  those two things are not important to him. People dont need money and the perfect ring to be married. He’s making excuses. Move on unless you are happy just dating for a while.

ndc's picture

If in 3.5 years of dating you he's been living with his parents and he still doesn't have enough money to move out, you're not going to have an easy time of it financially.  If he thinks it's more important to buy a house than to marry you when you've made it clear you want to get married and start a family, it's time to move on.  You're not on the same page and you don't have the same goals.  Find a guy who doesn't have kids and a big child support obligation.  At your age they're out there.  

marblefawn's picture

A house is important. It's a good investment. I can't disparage the guy for wanting to put $ into something worthy like a house.

However, when you get over the house hurdle, there will be more -- like "we can't afford a wedding now because we bought a house," and "we can't have a baby now because we had a big wedding."

You're choosing someone with little money and an already-made family. His priorities will be different than yours. He has to think of his child while you're thinking of starting a life only with him.

The kid is not going anywhere. He will always have to consider the kid no matter what you want. It doesn't have to be over, but you should start getting used to his priorities if you want to make it work because that kid will always be a factor.

Personally, compatible finances were high on my list of things to seek in a mate. I didn't want someone who spent $$$ on a new car when I haven't seen Uzbekistan yet. How you handle finances is at least as important as religion, compatibility in bed and all those other things that sink marriages.

If you're at the end of your rope, make that clear to him. Set a deadline with him that you can live with. If he can't swing it by the deadline, then it's time to move on. If he isn't scrambling to marry you, I'd move on because you can (and will) find someone else who is delighted to marry you after 3.5 years.

Take your chances. You might find when you walk, your guy manages to get his act together to marry you. And if not, then you'll know for sure your whole life would be waiting...waiting...waiting.

 

 

FuriousStepmum's picture

How old are you OP?  You really need to think about what you want for your future.  What does married with children look like to you?  Do you want to be a SAHM or a working Mum?  If being a SAHM is important to you, you won't be able to have that with this guy.  Even when you have your own children, his child support obligation will still be there.  It will decrease, but not enough to make a real difference.

DaniellaR's picture

If you were my daughter, I would tell you that you deserve better. I honeslty don't want my daughter marrying someone with a child already. She is amazing and deserves to be # 1 priority in her future husband's life. This man has many excuses for you. It is not about the money. A man that is in love and wanting to start a life with a woman will move mountains. I see a lifetime of frustration, financial struggles and possibly nver having a family of your own with this man. He has a family already and that is his priority. Find a mate with no baggage that you can make a life with. This man already has a family and life. 

strugglingSM's picture

It seems like you are already feeling resentment and he is already making excuses. This will be your future. If you are ok with always coming last, then stay on, but if he can’t afford to move out, yet is still paying for private school, then you know every extra penny he has will go to his child. Can you live with that? If not, then move on. If you tell him that you’re moving on because you don’t see a future with a man who can’t make you a priority, if he really wants to be with you, he’ll start saving money really fast and show you that he can put you first. But if you continue to accept his excuses and allow him to put you last then he always will.

 

SteppedOut's picture

If you are ok with his daughter always coming first, ahead of both you and your future children, stay with him. If not, move on. 

Not only he, but probably his parents, will not want anything to change for the daughter. Not to mention the fit BM would probably throw. 

If you stay with him, you will have a stressful life always worrying about the crumbs for you and your kids. 

ConfusedandLost's picture

Well my parents understand his situation. My dad had two previous children when he married my mom. So my mom and I can relate a lot. My parents like him but my mom has told me that maybe I should rethink my situation at this point. Even coworkers at work tell me he should have wanted to get engaged by now. He's the type where he wants to be prepared before doing things. So I can't tell if it's an excuse or that he's scared. His family pressures him about marriage and moving out all the time, but yet they still let him live there because of his daughter. I worry that he's too comfortable even though he says he wants to move out. 

ESMOD's picture

Ok... I'm going to lay a couple of kind but honest truths out for you. 

the first thing has zero to do with him... it's your financial situation.  Why are you unable to support yourself?  Do you need a better job? a budget?  If you are currently living at home.. are you paying anything towards your living expenses (not talking cell phone and car insurance)?  If you are paying a very low or no rent, you should absolutely be SAVING a significant portion of your income.  First, it could help with a downpayment.. but also, if you can save money.. you can actually  move out on your own right?  Let's say you think you can't afford it.. but if you save enough, you will have the money to make up the difference..perhaps get rid of debt or car pmt so that you can afford your own place.  You need to be thinking along these lines whether or not you stay with this guy.  Be honest with yourself.. do you tend to spend money on clothes, coffee, makeup etc.. because you have money in your pocket at the time but end up with zero at the end of the month... maybe planning to save first.. and then spend what's left would help.  there are many financial gurus that have good advice.  At almost 30, you really need to get yourself on track with a self sufficiency plan... and it shouldn't include a guy as an integral part of that because....

The guy you have selected has a large financial obligation that isn't going away any time soon.  He isn't going to stop paying private school, extra curricular etc.. in fact as the girl gets older, these will all cost more money..up to and including her post HS education.  So...stay with him and you will have to accept that his ability to contribute is limited by this existing and ongoing obligation.  I'm not saying that is necessarily a deal breaker, but it is a fact.  Now, otherwise is he good with his money.  Job and future job prospects bright or is he in a relatively dead end type of job maxed out on earnings.  You know what he has now.. and it's not enough for him to feel comfortable obligating himself to larger commitments.  Now, renting should not be dismissed out of hand if there is a reasonable housing market in your area.  A rental can be walked away from... a home has to be sold and that can be easier said than done.. plus the cost of unexpected repairs and upkeep can be a burden.  Honestly, how is he doing financially.. could he afford to live independently right now?  If not, then you will be expected to step up and contribute and possibly more than your fair share right? 

His excuses may be commitment phobia or they may be valid if he doesn't feel he is financially ready.  But, you have to weigh your own needs.  You say you may want kids, does he know that and how will that impact your finances in the future.  Are you going to be ok if your child can't have the same things his existing one does because there are no funds?  Are you willing to wait until it's too late and your ability to have kids is over?

I think you and your man need a serious talk.. possibly even meeting with a financial counselor to help you make plans.. or to decide to go your own ways.

ConfusedandLost's picture

Financially my job is okay. It comes with a lot of benefits and great health insurance. It supports me and gives me plenty of money to save. But I do have student loans which is why I wouldn't be comfortable living on my own. I could technically do it, but I don't want to be house poor. I still want money on the side to save or have wiggle room so I'm not tapping myself out every month. Which is why living with someone else just seems like a smarter decision to me.

As for him. He has a well paying job. He can afford to buy a home on his own. I forgot to mention that he is still paying a lawyer to fight for more time. Which is taking a lot of his money as well. Since we are not married, he is the one buying the home. So I'm not willing to put money towards actually buying the house. I feel like that would be foolish incase we don't get married. I had thought about doing so but if he's not willing to marry me I'm out. He has most of the money for the down payment. He's just trying to save a little extra at the moment. We started looking at homes last year and didn't find anything we felt was a good fit. The market at the time, everything was going fast. So we took a break, but now it is a year later and I'm not trying to keep waiting. He said that August/September is when we'd start looking again. Which is now, but I'm worried that it's gonna be "I don't have enough" or "I just bought a house, I can't afford a ring". I'm even willing to pay for my own ring, but I think it ruins the excitement and joy of him making the effort. Also, we do have an agreement on who pays for what when we move in together. He will pay for the mortgage, and I will pay for utilities, groceries, etc. Then we will split anything extra like cable, furniture, or miscellaneous things  

I'm just getting to the end of my rope with waiting. In my head I told myself if by the end of the year we aren't living together or engaged I have to move on. I'm just not sure I can make it that long. He knows that I will move on if things don't change. I just want to make sure I'm being fair to his situation. I've been very understanding and cut him a lot of slack. I just don't know if it's wrong of me to throw in the towel if I really love him and his daughter.

ndc's picture

You've given him more than enough time.  It's not wrong of you to throw in the towel if you are sacrificing what YOU want out of life by waiting waiting waiting waiting on this guy.  You don't seem to be much closer to your goals than you were at this time last year.  Don't waste another year - 3.5 years is plenty of time.

susanm's picture

Wrong of you?  Who do you think is going to judge you?  And fair to his situation?   What about your situation?  You want a marriage and children.  He is in no hurry for that.  Why?  He has already had it!!!  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt that he is going to be paying for the rest of his life.  If he is not ready to commit and give you a realistic timetable with some honest-to-God promises backed up by action after 3 and a half years then he is just enjoying being with you until you have had enough.  You have a fertility countdown going.  He already has a child.  Don't let himrun out the clock on you.

Livingoutloud's picture

There are ton of gorgeous rings that aren’t expensive at all. He has no intentions to get married so he comes up with lame excuses.