Custody schedule help
Does anyone deal with varying work schedules when dealing with custody?
My DH has week on/week off custody 50/50. The agreement is not followed because BM works varying overnights 3 nights per week. She wants the kids when she wants the kids and that is based around her work, whatever activity her other two children (not DHs) are doing, and her personal plans. Since we can't stick to the week on/week off schedule due to her varying overnights (DH is concerned she will leave his kids overnight with their minor siblings who stay home alone overnight). Actually we really cannot revise the current schedule at all due to her varying overnight work schedule. As a result, we are often at BM whim as she will not provide advance notice of her schedule since she says DH "doesn't own her."
Her whims range from telling him he needs to get the kids at the last minute, telling him he can't have the kids because she wants them, calling him at work to pick kids up from school an hour before school is out, calling him to leave work to take kids to one of their activities, calling him at work and expecting him to leave to provide bathing suits, snow clothes, coats, etc. When he says no, it's WWIII. and lately it's been WWIII every single day.
we can't plan anything because we never know if kids will be here or not. More often than not they are, but if we try to plan a birthday party for SS for example and she says she wants them that day. And kids want to see her BC they want to see their mother periodically. Currently we have the kids about 70 percent of the time. Does anyone have any experience with a custody schedule in this type of situation? What suggestions do you have for a custody schedule? We are at our wits end fighting with her every day.
We are willing to go to mediation to push a schedule through, but are hoping to resolve outside of court, although I don't think that is going to be possible. DH doesn't want to go for 70/30 because he is concerned kids will feel they are being taken away from their mother (who only cares to see them when it is convenient for her)
The only fix for this is to
The only fix for this is to force a schedule on BM regardless of her fluctuating work schedule. 50/50 can be a WO/WO schedule and her week on is her problem to deal with regarding time with the Skids and their care and supervision while on her time.
It is not you our your DH's responsibility to be BM's beck and call child care resources. To continue to do what you are doing is to facilitate and enable more of her same manipulative excuse filled crap.
If she can't handle 50/50 then DH needs to get custody, nail her ass for CS, and she can have a CO'd visitation schedule.
Sounds like someone could be
Sounds like someone could be deemed an unfit parent.
Sounds like someone could benefit from having a CPS welfare check late at night.
Also sounds like someone, and no offense meant, needs to take his nuts out of his ex's purse.
Love your last comment
Love your last comment
((((HUGS)))) I understand
((((HUGS)))) I understand what your going thru. There is a solution.
Lets start with clothing WWIIIIIIII problems.
Are you able to purchase your own clothing stock for YOUR home. In other words do not exchange period. BM keeps her stuff at her place and vice versa. What the kids come to your place in they go back to BM's in the same 'cleaned' clothing. NOTHING LEAVES your house, ever.
dh to bm,,,,WE have decided we will no longer exchange bags at drops and pick ups. WE have everything here.
It is very freeing to start to have control inside your own home. Send everything back to her down to the last pair of Undies.
Right now, what ever the court order states ONLY follow that order. Do not ask for changes and do not give changes. DH can request modification if he wants to.
About the unreasonable telephone calls....DONT answer. Tell BM to not call his work. Tell her not to call unless there IS an emergency. If it is a true emergency she can leave a voice mail with the hospital name and HE will arrive as soon as he can.
I would follow the court order to a T
YES we went thru this last minute junk. The more you try to accommodate reasonable requests the more the changes kept coming. It would take 2 weeks to make a simple decision. We later found out the reason behind it....
*your note a hamster running in the wheel but you sure do feel like it until you say NO* and let her have WWIIIII
Remember NO is a sentence too.
Yes, we provide everything
Yes, we provide everything for our house. And we always have what kids need. We do for the most part send them back in what they get from BM house. The swimsuit being referred to was BM wanting a swimsuit for SD to go to a birthday party. DH told SD no he was at work when she called. BM sends an angry response back about how he's a terrible father. DH ignores and still does not provide the swimsuit from our house. SD did get what she needs. But SD had to be put in the middle. Wish it would stop.
We were going to go for the
We were going to go for the Week On/Week off agreement and have it enforced until DH attorney told us that if she leaves the children with their minor siblings overnight on her time, DH is also liable should something bad happen. That's the ONLY reason we are in a conundrum.
This is helpful. Do you think
This is helpful. Do you think something like this could work on a 50/50 basis? Also, what happens if he does not provide at least 4 days notice?
We are looking at modifying
We are looking at modifying the agreement to something like this as we think this is the best interest of the kids. But we are wary that BM will not follow it and we will end up in a nasty court battle anyway. She gets her schedule one month in advance. We are thinking of proposing a 4-3 alternating schedule around her work schedule. So one party would have them three nights per week and the other four nights and then it alternates so it is 50/50. But the kicker is she would have to provide her work schedule by a certain date, which we are sure down the road she won't. Then we file a contempt motion blah blah and it gets ugly for the kids. Trying to avoid that, but don't think it's going to be possible.
When she refuses to provide her schedule or cooperate we say fine it's 50/50 week on week off. But then DH is concerned about children's well-being while not in his care since they will likely be left overnight with minor siblings.
I would suggest keeping good
I would suggest keeping good records of when you do and do not have the children in your home.
I guess my real issue would be whether your husband is interested in more/less time with his kids. I certainly understand that the uncertainty of it all is very frustrating. Does he pay CS? Does She? Would there be a chance that would change if the custody was adjusted in some way?
Is her schedule at all regular? My OSD works shiftwork as a 911 operator and her schedule is not the same every week but it's predictable.
I would be honest, as the kids get older, they will figure out their mom is only getting them when it's convenient.
We have five years worth of
We have five years worth of records. DH has kept a calendar and saved all text messages for the past five years to back up the calendar. There is currently no cs exchanged and she and DH have similar incomes. He kept the records in the event she ever went back to try to get CS. She threatened it recently when DH didn't say how high when she said jump and DH told her you do what you have to do. If she goes for CS we will take her back for 70/30 (his attorney is pretty confident he can get it if that is what has been status quo for five years) and she will have to pay CS. In our state there is a different worksheet for calculating CS for shared parenting, but you have to have a certain number of overnights to use it. She has not qualified to use the shared parenting worksheet in five years.
Her schedule is not regular because she switches it around to her whims, which rarely include taking care of he children.
I would assume she has some
I would assume she has some sort of forewarning when she works. Plan ahead. Tell her she gets them x amount if days and you need to know by x when she will have the kids. Then if she asks for them on a random day the answer is no. If the kids end up home alone watching the others you can call CPS depending on their ages. Talk to a lawyer about changing your order since she clearly can't follow it. You could get her in contempt if since she's not following it. If you continue to allow her behavior though then it's on you. As everyone says document document document