Controlling Enmeshed DH

Forums:

I'm looking for constructive, helpful feedback.

DH is older than me (a functioning alcoholic), and has a paid off home (3) and everything he owns is debt-free. Our kids are adults, and on their own, working and doing well. He has 2 wealthy adult offspring, who own 12 houses and are building more as I type. There is no need for money here.

DH wanted me to give up my career, with the assurance he "had this" and I am heavily invested in all his endeavors (without pay.) I am his full-time wife,nurse, companion,assistant with his business, and so much more.

I felt since the ex wife had a life estate, it would be a given that I would as well, especially since our relationship has been far more harmounious than that one was.

All I have ever asked (since the last ex had a life estate and the Texas Constitution dictates the widow may remain in the home unencumbered, no matter if it has been gifted in any way to others, and once she passes or abandons the home, then the heirs can do whatever they wish) is to be protected legally should he pass.

When he was to have another major surgery, I HAVE NO PROTECTION.

Down through the many years we have been together, I have been presented with several legal documents to sign, all of which involve me waiving my rights to be here.

I learned that DH and SD created a will and I knew nothing. The only reason I ever inquired was when he would have surgeries, as I am medical POA and needed a reference point should something happen. This will (which was illegal) which he never shared with me, I had to find it, stated I would have 30 days to leave the property after his death and I must waive in writing all rights to it. If I refuse to do so, then my car, bank account, life insurance money and any home we may buy in the future goes to HIS kids. Well, that's illegal, as no spouse can speak for the other's portion without their written consent. SD is Executor, POA, everything, which gives her the authority to kick me out, freeze accounts that have his name on them, and turn off power, water etc. (any bill that has his name on it she can shut down). He made a written will placing me as Executor, POA etc. but unbeknownst to me, he created 5 more in the span of 6 months putting SK's in control.

Last year (again unbeknownst to me) including the home we have lived in since before we were married (married here, never the kids' home). Without so much as a mention, or my consideration it was done and I have NO LEGAL PROTECTION,

We learned we had overpaid the IRS and the refund requires both signatures. I told him unfortunately, I have been asking for legal protection for YEARS, and I would not be able to sign until I got that happens. Daily, he hounds me about it, & I remind him of what I need.I have been most patient, devoted, and never retalitory, depsite the fact his daughter has been verbally abusive to me in his presence, and he has done nothing to rectify the situation.

Last week, I went to get into my car to go to an appointment, and the car wouldn't open as the battery had run down because the alarm went off for 45 minutes.

Knowing this could happen in the city while I was at an appointment 2 hours away, Dh took it upon himself to reduce my spending on a major card, (that is rarely used, and only when he tells me to use it to buy things he needs) with no mention whatsoever. It went from "unlimited" down to $337 in the span of 2 minutes. Mind you I kept getting alerts about the reduction on my phone. I thought that it may've been hacked. He controls ALL THE MONEY. I am not a joint user, but an "authorized user." When I got home and asked about it, he told me he was going to tell me when I got home. (?) He also said he did it because I refused to sign the IRS paperwork. He later reinstated it, apologized profusely, but I am on edge, never knowing what he will do next. I have stopped all cooking, cleaning, and help around the property, with the business...completely shut down, explaining that when he is ready to behave like a husband, I will be happy to behave like a wife.

The ex, had unlimited usage of all cards DURING THEIR 3 year divorce, and he had to pay for it. She also opened over $80,000 in additional credit and charged it all up, and he had to pay that off, he also paid her legal fees, and had to write a hefty check on divorce day. I am not this person and have never behaved like her. I am very frugal, always there for his every need, and cannot understand this behavior.

I have tried to uphold my end of things and have gone above and beyond to help him with anything and everything, no matter how emotionally involved or taxing it is physically. I have the heart of a servant so it is very hard for me to not want to help him in every way. I am at a loss, and feel sad, anxious and worried all the time. This is a bird's eye view, there is much more to this dynamic.

Thoughts?

If he wants to treat you like

If he wants to treat you like a servant, divorce his ass. You will not need to worry about a life estate. Might I suggest you use his ex-wife's attorney?

I would go see a lawyer

I would go see a lawyer immediately to get advice on how to protect yourself.

I agree w PP, GO SEE AN

I agree w PP, GO SEE AN ATTORNEY! Do you have a prenup? This situation sounds toxic. I cannot imagine a husband who loves his wife would treat her this way. Please protect yourself.

No prenup. The ex wives (3) have all had them, but we did not

and I think that's why there was this rush to shift things over and give it all away. Once I found out about the 30 day clause will (and it's not about what I can get, again, I have stated my ONLY request has been to have a life estate. His kids have many homes, and they are fine and do not need this one. If they want to come here there are 2 other houses they can stay at.) I was just floored, after everything I have selflessly contributed to his life.

As for an attorney, I have seen several in the area, but they are all part of the "good o'l boy committee." I've been told by all of them to just sign what they put in front of me. I have signed nothing. If they're after me to waive my rights, that tells me I have rights to be here.

Also, on the attorney note, HE CONTROLS ALL THE MONEY AND CREDIT CARDS. The only money I have is what he occasionally gives me, and it is carefully recorded. If anyone were to look at the checkbook, all the signatures are HIS. People say squirrel money away until you can see an attorney, well that would work if I HAD MONEY, but he CONTROLS ALL OF IT, HE AND HIS DAUGHTER. I found paperwork recently showing the two of them had bought platinum bars, gold coins and silver coins together. It was a lot of money. They are placing the funds in accounts in their names, I am sure.

Note: When my children's father and I divorced after 22 years, we used his uncle as "our" attorney. At my suggestion, I waived my rights to his retiremen pension, though we were married before that career began and after it ended.

So SD says I'm "using her father." That blows the "gold digger" theory. I'm not that kind of person, and I have proven that.

I misunderstood your first post

Am I correct, you have no kids with your DH?

Many people are different with first spouse than second, wrt money. I am sorry you gave up pension rights wrt your first marriage. I cannot understand why you would do that.

Correct, no kids with DH. The Ex I refered to was not the 1st

wife. She was the 3rd. The second one is collecting his pension in prison.

I was working in my career, with multiple degrees. Mostly I did it because though I made sacrifices being a military spouse, he served in the military and put his life on the line. I did not. He is the father to my kids, and was a good father and good man.(You may ask why this divorce happened. My education was a threat to him. He never got over the fact I became educated and he did not.) I am showing my kids how to treat another person, AND I have to sleep with what I do at night. I'm a gentle soul and do not like hurting people. I get joy out of being loving and taking care of people I love and care for.

No Pre-nup and is being an

No Pre-nup and is being an ass.... I vote divorce him, get your fair share of the stuff, and then peace out. I'm not even syaing rob him, but get your fair share, maybe some alimony (because he stunted your career, so that will give you the opportunity to get back on track).

I wouldn't put up with this. Especially with him being elderly and in poor health... I know you love him... But he's literally being ab rat and letting his kid control him, while he controls you... You shouldn't be bottom of the totem pole or have to worry about your future. You gave up your career, if you end up with nothing, you won't have much to restart then.

Just make sure you look after you!

He's given EVERYTHING AWAY to SKs. He's not in poor health, he's

very active. Eventually his health will decline, especially due to all the alcohom consumption.

You're right, he has asked me to put my career "on hold" for him and that's not something I can't just walk back into, as I have seen.

Thanks.

He can't just retitle all of

He can't just retitle all of his stuff to ensure you don't inherit.

Go to a lawyer, he can be made to pay YOUR legal fees.

If it's a marital asset and

If it's a marital asset and it's still his. Regardless of will, it can still be yours in a divorce. So keep that in mind

I just don't want you to be left with nothing. You've been there, so you should benefit. It's not right for you to be left without ANYTHING should the worst happen. You're worth so much more!!!

What kind of career?

What will it take for you to go back? Cause i!I'm afraid if you do not, you will have nothing. Why are you with this POS?

Agree with PP, see an attorney

It seems as if the property is for the most part seperate property. Did your DH not earn anything while married to you? The entire thing seems surprising to me as you two have adults kids together. Did DH not earn anything, other than to pay expenses, for the last 20 years? It seems he only cares about supporting his kids from his first marriage. This seems strange to me.

If your DH is trying to cheat you out of homestead, you can fight that in court, but it seems to me that the relationship has deteriorated to such a degree that waiting is untolerable, in which case, you may end up with less.

I agree with talk to attorney, but I would also look for a job.

And I'd make damn sure I went

And I'd make damn sure I went after him for all those years of unpaid wages as his assistant if you can't get spousal support.

I think Texas has a statute of limitations on a claim

for unpaid wages, and I would thiink her ex would contest what portion of her time was spent on business v household stuff. I would not expect much. She needs a serious talk with lawyer.

I've researched that and it's a definite possibility

I am constantly looking at what's out there, and what is legal, and I have found many surprising facts.

Thanks!

Correction, I should clarify, my kids are not his kids,

he has 2 adults from BM (wife 1) and I have 2 adults from my only other spouse.

And yes, the property was inherited, separate property, but what I was told from a local judge was since he partitioned with prenuptial and entenuptial agreements with the 3 previous wives that remained separate property. At the point we married without partitioning, the property was comingled. He said he is a judge, and that is how it would be interpreted and that in a conservative rural county such as ours, no judge will look at this entire picture and tell me to pack my things and get out. He also told me many judges are reaching into non-probate assets, (like this property) to pay the wife/widow. It's called inequitable distribution when so much is gifted and the spouse has nothing.

DH has divorced daddy guilt. He has given and given and given in an effort to make amends for leaving their mother.

Interestingly wife #2 was only married to him 5 years, separted for 3, but because he retired from a government job, she gets half of his pension and has since 1997. She is now in prison for embezzlement of her employer.

It doesn't seem right that a potential widow will end up on the streets.

"Fighting in court" takes LOTS OF MONEY AND YEARS to resolve. He has the full ability to change this, but tells me, "I don't own it anymore. I have no say so." I told him that is not so, all he has to do is tell SKs he gifted them millioins debt-free, placed in a tax shelter so they will not have to pay estate taxes, and his only wish is for his wife to have a life estate, as there are 2 other homes for them to stay in. That is why I needed to be involved in the process. Truth be known, he didn't even set up legal protection for himself! He told me "They can kick me out if they want to." My response was, "Really? What darlings you raised!"

I had an excellent referral with an attorney in the city recently and have called to try to get an appointment. I'm awaiting the response.

I would be very very careful.

Many family law attorneys are overly optimistic, they over promise, collect a lot of fees, and then say, well, I said it was POSSIBLE. My understanding is that it generally takes a specfic act by an owner to convert seperate to community property.

Can you get a job?

Correct. Anything to get the retainer, but this was a judge I

spoke with who can override many legalities as they see fit.

Please see the post response further down on job topic.

: )

Sorry but

It seems he has planned this all along. If it's all property before you married not much you can do. You also signed off on some of your rights it seems. Have you pulled up the deed or other recorded docs on the home you currently live in? It may be in trust to his kids whereby there's not much you can do, and yes they will throw you out. I would start gathering all the documents to accounts, and other assets for the lawyer. Are there assets that were earned during your marriage? TX is a community property state so if he's bought stuff you're also entitled to that, but it's up to you to keep track. I imagined he's funneled it to his kids by now, but there's always a paper trail. At this point I would start being a detective because I believe he may have hidden quite a bit from you. He probably won't do a life estate because taxes/espenses and upkeep will come out of his estate which is probably unrealistic especially if you're still relatively young. You'll get his social security at least, he can't will that one away.

I have signed off on NOTHING...

And yes, a great forensic accountant can FIND EVERYTHING.

No, in this case taxes and upkeep will not come from HIS estate, as he has given it all away and appears indigent, or insolvent on paper. The property is clearly his kids' and they are liable for all taxes and upkeep in our particular situation. They also have 2 homes to stay in when they visit, so my being here will not be an inconvenience for anyone. If anything it will keep the house from dilapidating or getting broken into.

Social Security...Yay! Hat's and horns. Let's celebrate. NOT.

:LAWYER.

:LAWYER. Before the sun sets tomorrow.

Your marriage is over. You

Your marriage is over. You can not trust him. Your dh & sd created a will together. Your dh's real partner is his daughter and it appears to me THEY have a plan. Get an attorney now. Your dh has already proven HE CAN NOT BE TRUSTED!

Good luck sweetie

He's not treating you like

He's not treating you like his wife, he's treating you like a convenient companion. You gave up your career at his request and have helped on a personal and business level without pay, so presumably you can't be financially independent. So he's got you right where he wants you.

And now you're becoming "troublesome" because you won't sign a tax form. Reducing the card limit was a clear warning of the control that he has; he never had any intention of making sure you had security after his death and hey!... he's also got the power to control your movements while he's living unless you become more "agreeable". Wow.

You need a shark of a lawyer here, me thinks.

You are exactly right. He can put his foot down anytime, but it

doesn't go both ways.

He has made it a habit of making unilateral decisions that affect me and my future. I have limited ability to do the same though. He doesn't like it when I refuse to do anything for him. It's been years of me asking for legal protection from him, while he's only had to wait for a couple weeks for my signature. I do think my "signature" has appeared on legal documents, and that may be why I have not been allowed to sit in on these meetings. DH has forged checks before, and not thought anything of it. I did let him know I have contacted the IRS, and if those forms show up with my "signature" on them, they better do a handwriting analysis, (compare it to the signatures on our income tax forms from previous years) as I have informed him I will not be signing those papers, or ANY OTHER PAPERS (he saves $16,000 on his taxes by filing jointly with me. That amount should've been placed in an account for me each year.) until I get a life estate.

All of our taxes are filed under this address. For all intents and purposes, this is our HOMESTEAD. Not for tax purposes, because he has gifted it all.

Go back to work and maintain

Go back to work and maintain your financial independence from this knuckledragger.

I have applied for over 400 jobs in the last 18 months since all

of this began. Even if my commute would be 1-2 hours daily, ONE WAY I have applied.

We live in a very rural area. We have also had a population explosion, as it's much cheaper to live in Texas than California, namely. It makes any possible job very competitive, and next to impossible to nail down. Careers, and jobs for that matter are almost non-existent, unless you own your business, have a family business that is passed down to you, you're in the medical field or work for the city. With city jobs, you almost have to wait for the person to die, retire or move to get in.

When I am called for an interview (which is seldom, as it's a "who you know" kind of place) I have not been selected. I have years of experience and I am told, "You're overqualified." We have an age discrimination problem in our country, believe it or not. That coupled with the fact I have multiple degrees, but I have been out of the professional arena for a number of years, is not working in my favor.

His plan for me after he passes, is: "You're younger than me. You can get remarried." Really? Um, no thanks.

I have also been out of the

I have also been out of the work force for a number of years. I discovered the irelaunch website the other day that looks genuinely helpful and they have a program to help with getting back into the workforce. I haven’t used it but it looks promising to me. I hope it is helpful for you.

Did you sign a prenuptual

Did you sign a prenuptual agreement?

If not, take him to the cleaners and find a man who can appreciate all that you do.

Bend him over in court to the tone of his daughter bawling her eyes out because her inheritance just got cut in half.

No we do not have a prenuptial agreement, & as per my OP he has

already given his 2 kids EVERYTHING. I am only seeking legal protection.

No Texas.....

change your thought pattern. You need to go after EVERYTHING.....even stuff he has gifted his original holy family. He wants to play hard ball? Go him for everything. I am so sorry you are going through this, it's just not right. However the way he is treating you - his wife - is COMPLETELY INEXCUSABLE!!! I am not normally like this, but I say go for the jugular - his behaviour is disgraceful!!!

Yes its not fair but you do hold some accountability

You gave up your career with no protection. Why would he go back and change it now. Your only option is to leave. Can you move in with one of your kids, friends in another state? I am sorry you are going thru this, I don't think he will ever add you anything.

We are all the product of our decisions, I accept that, however,

a spouse is SUPPOSED TO BE THERE IN EVERY WAY FOR the other, FIRST AND FOREMOST. I accept my role in this. That is not the topic of discussion.

Thanks for your advice.

I would engage an attorney

I would engage an attorney and go after the multiple secret Wills. Press for elder abuse charges against SD since she is obviously manipulating her elderly obviously senile father.

Start taking cash advances against all cards and lines of credit and stashing it in your own accounts. Keep it up while he pays off the maxed credit lines/cards. Any payment he makes, take that available balance as a cash advance. Get a killer attorney, use marital funds to pay for the attorney, and go after correcting the crap your DH and his spawn have initiated.

All while assuring him that when he mans up and corrects the issues the war will cease.

I am sorry you are having to go through all of this.

^^^YES!!!!^^^

way to go Rags!!

Thanks Rags! I still say you should give "man balls" classes!

The problem with the cash advance thing is, I'm only an authorized user, not a joint account holder. To take a cash advance requires a PIN and he has to create it, evidently.

I have heard of people making large purchases on credit cards, then paying the balance off , and getting a check in the mail. There again, HE'S THE ACCOUNT HOLDER. EVERYTHING MUST PASS THROUGH HIM.

I've definitely thought about elder abuse and exploitation, especially since SD was the one who began orchestrating all of this, according to DH. He said he and his other adult offspring were fine with everything the way it was, but she really pressed for change. I have multiple recordings of her abusing her father verbally. Ironically she is a in the medical field/advocate??? Mental health is medical.

Thank you. You're a wonderful person. We all wish we had a "Rags Mentality" man.

He wanted you to give up your

He wanted you to give up your career, saying he "had this". Then he went back on his word. Then when you are not doing what he wants he punishes you by reducing your credit limit. He doesn't care about what happens to you after he dies, saying you are young and can just remarry. He is not respecting your value as a person, just as an object that can be purchased by someone else after he dies. What if you don't want to remarry? What if you loved him so much you would be filled with grief the rest of your life? He doesn't care about that.

You had mentioned there were reasons why people stay in a marriage when there are other problems like this one. I don't understand what could compel you to stay with a man like this.

I have read your posts for a long time and you are a very intelligent, kind and articulate person. You deserve far better than this man who lies to you, punishes you, and is likely using you as a free nurse and employee.

I would continue to look for an attorney who doesn't cater to the Good Ol Boys Club. I would file for divorce and tell your DH that during the court proceedings the court reporter will take notes on his testimony about how he tricked his wife into marriage, how he tricked his wife into not having financial security, how he did nothing when his spoiled brat rich daughter had a rant. Those notes will be public record and anyone curious can find them and see what kind of man, husband and father he really is.

SacrificialLamb, thank you. I always look forward to your post

responses and input.

You ehco the same sentiments as many others. It's all about him/SKs. I would never have dreamt that guilt would blind someone to the truth and fact that somene has loved him and cared so deeply for him, asking very little in return.

I have trusted him, wholeheartedly, without reservation. I have validated him, put him first in all that I do, waking every morning, asking myself, "What can I do today to make his life/day better, and make him proud he married ME?" Completely thinking only of him.

RIght? What if I didn't want to remarry? Most of our marriage I have thought, "how could I even think of doing that? I will be lost without DH." I was previously such a strong person; a survivor, self-reliant, and seemingly, without my notice, I have been swallowed up in his life, his world, his desires and lost my identity. Telling me to remarry as my "retirement plan" for the future is ridiculous. After being introduced and involved with this site, I can honestly say I would NEVER EVER CONSIDER ANOTHER MAN WHO HAS KIDS, EVER. That pretty much leaves monks and Catholic priests! LOL

Thank you for recognizing some of my redemptive qualities, that means a lot, and I'm glad those have been revealed through previous posts.

And, I think you're right. By keeping the wills out of my hands, and away from my eyes, nobody has to know the dirtly little secret. He gets to keep using me as a cook, maid, nurse, partner in every regard, and in the end, had I not learned about the will with the 30 day clause, can you imagine how that would feel, on top of suffering through and navigating through the grief process on top of being KICKED OUT by his kids?? "SURPRISE! YOU'RE A WIDOW, AND YOU'RE HOMELESS."

I need to create a timeline of events for sure. I wish I had kept a journal, but I haven't, as I have been so very busy with all of his needs and everything he requires of me on a day to day basis. When SKs come here, it is strictly recreational...no work involved. That's our job.

I am still just in shock and suffer from PTSD over the fact SD screamed for almost an hour, uninterrupted while he just looked on. Even in the dysfunctional environment I grew up in, I had NEVER experienced anything remotely like THAT. It was surreal, as if I was having an out of body experience.

You make a great point about the court reported records.

Thank you always for your well thought out responses.

MT,

Your SD is an attorney and is held to ethical standards that she is clearly in violation of. Her manipulation of the Wills, her verbal attacks, manipulation of her elderly father, etc, etc, etc... are all grounds for major complaints to the Texas Bar and likely grounds for disbarment. The Wills are a legal document and her manipulation has huge potential consequences for her professionally.

Find an attorney who is a killer shark with rabid animosity towards unethical lawyers and destroy your SD while going after all of the secret Wills as fruits of a poisonous tree planted by SD and couch DH as the geriatric victim of her unethical crap. She has taken all of his property and assets. If that is not clear evidence of her elder abuse I do not know what is.

Be thourough, be professional, document everything, go back and create journals of all of SD's crap. Clearly note that those early date events are your recallections. You can also request the records from the Church counselor you saw. That is all potentially useful in your campaign. Make sure to have a copy of the earlier Will you were named in and get copies of all of the subsequent Wills created after that Will. Keep it direct, professional and unemotional. Partner with your attorney to create the most complete case and work the case.

As events unfold do what you can to assure DH that you are his wife and are taking action to protect yourself and him. Keeping in mind that a Will means nothing until he is dead. If it looks like the marriage won't survive then go after everthing when filing for divorce keeping a strong focus on disbarment of SD as a goal. Once you have it all you can reengage in a relationship with DH if you so desire. Once it is all yours, SD and the rest of the Skids are irrelevent and you can just shoot SD for trespassing on YOUR property if she ever sets foot on it again uninvited. Hey, it's Texas. We can do that sort of thing here.

Good luck.

You make great points, and I have thought of the elder abuse

thing as DH has said the other sibling was fine with things the way they are, but I told him there's one in every family who THINKS THEY DESERVE IT ALL and she is yours. The thing with elder abuse is, DH would have to go along with it. He maintains, "You always knew I wanted to give it all to my kids." Um, no I did not. This house he built with the previous wife and paid it off, and she got paid for it in their divorce, and property were presented as "his inheritance" (which is untouchable by the spouse if it was owned previously, and he still partitioned with the other 3 wives, but not with me). I told him, "You gave her house to your kids and expected to stay married??" He said, "Well she signed a prenup, she knew this property was not hers." To which I responded, "Yes, she had a prenup, so she knew the PROPERTY was not hers, BUT she built a home with you on it, and THAT IS HERS. Does a wife deserve NOTHING??" And, I also "always knew" the ex had a life esate before and after legal paperwork was implemented. These "kids" have grown up all their lives knowing they would get daddy's ranch, but they just couldn't wait for him to die so there was a lot of "encouragement" for him to gift it while he was alive (tax breaks) and SD is the one who instigated it all. There was an easement put in here to the tune a few million and SD again encouraged daddy to put it elsewhere so the wife at the time could not access it. It's all about HER and what works for HER. You are right about ethics, and I have asked DH what he thought might happen if I push the "play" button for the Bar Assn and her board of directors? Does she just get a free pass after pillaging through people's lives? As mentioned previously, she was "cc'd" on all the illegal will emails. I don't have all of them, but I have some of them and they could be subpoena'd. I also do not have access to all the wills, except the 30 day clause one where I am disinherited, as everything's a secret around here.

I always appreciate your thought provoking, thorough responses. You're definintely a plus to this site.

Thank you.

Selection of the right

Selection of the right attorney will be critical for you. You need one who is sharp, has a proven history of success in similar cases, who will not take crap from the opposition attornies, the Judge, or anyone else and who will work closely with you to persue and deliver to your expectations.

We went from a decent attorney to a shark and that changed things considerably. We won with the reasonable attorney but she was always advising us to comprimise with the opposition rather than taking the facts and documentation we provided and driving for results. We had to force her to do her job as we had contracted with her to do. The shark neede no prompting and had long term relationships with the Judges in our county of residence so when we threatened to change venue to our state and county it was no idle threat. Shark would send them a letter clearly outlining the consequences they would face if they did not comply with the CO to the letter.

Find your shark. Have no mercy, and go for the kill. The right attorney is critical.

A thought I have had is DH is a serial marriage guy. It could be spun that he has a history of taking advantage of women and in your case is not delivering as a husband. Are his first two wives still living? If so, when you find your attorney you may want to depose them. They may be a well spring of useable history in your efforts to reverse the half dozen or so subsequent Wills and mitigating SD's manipulations.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I am so sorry you have to go

I am so sorry you have to go through this. From your posts you sound as though you are a very loving and caring person. This is so very unfair - thinking of you

Make a list of questions

Make a comprehensive list for your attorney. Remember your DH can't will away your marital rights. Those actually supercede a will. Texas community property laws state wages, retirement benefits, investment gains or dividends even if acquired separately...and if earned during the marriage are still community property. I was married for 10 years to my ex DH. He recently died, put my retirement asset in his will. His new wife was trying to claim it from the pension adm. whereby they called me to notify me I was the beneficiary. I guess he forgot about the QDRO. It was from those years he worked while we were married. Not trying to berate you, but you knew and agreed to live in a home you didn't own. It was a home he had before the marriage, so I would agree that was his to do with as he wished. I would ask him one last time for both of you to see an estate attorney. If you do a trust all assets need to be disclosed on what you get, the kids etc. If he refuses I would see a divorce attorney, and proceed to protect yourself. At this point you need to get a job to have some leverage. So it's a hour drive, even if it's something menial, that way you can pay a lawyer and have insurance if something happens. As for the credit cards don't charge anything on his because you could end up being liable in a divorce. I know it's illegal before a divorce to start funneling/hiding money or assets. However, if he's been doing it for years and you let it go on not sure about that. Another good question for your attorney. If you've stayed home for many years you could be awarded alimony especially if you've been married at least 10 years. In grey divorces the stay at home spouse can get alimony for life. The other spouse has to have a life insurance policy to ensure that. If he refuses to budge it seems you would do better by divorcing him. I hope you let us know what the attorney advises!

OP has danced around the question

Was the home transferred out of his name BEFORE he married OP? I find it very strange that someone who had gone through a nasty divorce (marriage number 2) did not get a prenup or transfer assets out of his own before marriage numbe 3.

I think in Texas, a surviving spouse has the right to live in a house, even if seperate property, but the issue seems to be was it even OP's DH property.

Alimony is very difficult to get in Texas, unless OP can claim she will be left destitute, I dont think she is likely to get alimony.

what I found

If she was married 10 yrs she can get up to 5 years. I wonder since he's financially abused her how that will go into play.

https://statelaws.findlaw.com/texas-law/texas-alimony-laws.html

And as your link said

Alimony is only awarded if either 1. documented violence before divorce filed. 2. spouse cannot meet reasonable needs.

Here, OP can get a job, she may just have to relocate.

ETA -- can does not mean will. Now, I would hope she would get for at least a year or two.

Yes she needs to get a job BUT..

Going by what she posted she's in that situatuion.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/mayakachroolevine/2017/09/25/financial-abus...

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/financial-abuse-is-a-form-of-domestic-vi...

To me, the major mistake she made, was not

getting her appropriate share of the pension from the man she was married to for 22 years, the man with whom she had children.

Now I know, OP cannot go back in time, BUT I think that the choice she made when she left her earlier, longer, marriage, are the major problem.

Things are much more complicated when you are living them, we

all have made decisions we later wish we could recant, but life isn't that way. We live with the decisions we make. I have done that.

It is also not as simple as it seems when you are living it.

As mentioned previously, spouses help each other, first, always. That is the way it was meant to be. I have gone above and beyond anything required of me to steadfastly be beside this man in good times, in his times of need and in bad times, with no other motive but to love and be loved. I take care of him, he takes care of me.

I am not dancing around questions. I have made the scenario very clear. It was PARTIALLY gifted. He owned 98% upon marriage, kids held 1% interest. At that point and time he clearly was in the majority position to either Offer a life estate, or (B) Arrange for legal protection so that I would be able to have time to grieve, pack and move forward.

I am not young. My kids are grown, his kids are grown. I did not retire from my profession, therefore limited assets were aquired, and DH encouraged me to stop working so I could help him with HIS business. I loved him, trusted him and did just that, and much more.

No wife/spouse would like to learn planningthat directly impacts her life and her future, has been deceptively planned without her knowledge or input. At least include your spouse in conversations about what is happening so she is aware, and can better make plans and decisions based on the facts, not what she has been led to believe are the facts.

Pointing out what should've been done, is not solution focused, as the past decisions cannot be relived. Again, everything looks very different from the outside of the fishbowl than it does from the inside.

Thanks for understanding, and offering solution focused advice.

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Controlling Enmeshed DH