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Can DD really decide?

all4myfamily's picture

I am a BM and a SM. I am very blessed that my kids and skids get along very well. On the otherhand at my ex husbands house, my kids have two skids also. They do not get along very well. Not only that, but my DD13 gets blamed for all of the things the other kids do and gets yelled at by her Dad and SM all the time. For the past year she has not been wanting to be at her Dad's house. I encouraged her to have a discussion with her Dad to let hime know how she feels. She is too scared to do that since he has a nasty temper so one night when she was with me, she texted him that she doesn't like to be at his house and wants to live with me. We have been in a custody battle in the past. My DD13 has told the guardian ad litem that she wants to live with me, but because she is a good girl and gets good grades, the court said no change would be granted. Now my ex husband and I are trying to work the custody stuff out in mediation. Looking for anyone who may have advice on a similiar situation. I guess as a divorced parent, I have always prepared myself for my children to someday not want to live with me. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, do you think my ex husband will allow my DD13 to live with me? I do not want to take her away from him, but she is going to turn into a rebelious teenager if she continues to live with him. She would still see him on weekends and a lot in the summer. Since I am a BM and SM, I try to be respectful of both relationships my kids have with their BF and SM. Any words of wisdom are much appreciated!

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

What is the custody situation now? What is the visitation schedule...an no I don't think a 13 can dictate visitation.

all4myfamily's picture

The current custody is 50/50 with one week at each house. We are trying this schedule right now, used to be Monday, Tuesday with Dad and Wednesday,Thursday with me and rotate weekends. As the girls get older and in more activities, they do not like flip flopping houses so much. They need consistency. DD13 is a lot like me and is not getting along with her Dad. Is it crazy for her to want to live with me? I see her being very disrespectful and rebelious when she is with her Dad and I am worried she could get worse as her teenage years are just starting. I have talked to her about being more respectful, but she says she won't because she has asked him several time to stop being so mean to her and he changes for about a week and is then back to treating her like he used to treat me. She has lost trust in him and is rebelling to get him mad.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Unfortunately when parents divorce, kids will go between two homes. That is a fact of life. Now if things get bad in the future then it will likely be revisited in the courts but I would not expect my ex (or your ex) agreeing with a custody change.

I personally do not think a week on/off is "shuffling". I think it is ideal for the kids and the parents.

whatwasithinkin's picture

The short answer to this is NO she can not decide who she wants to live with.

The other side of this is why would you want her to have that kinda power?

I am a BM and a SM as well let me tell you the difference.

When my girls met their SM and her kids that moved into my Ex's house I heard the very same stuff your hearing now. I explained and repeated probably 10 thousand times that them living there doesnt change the way Daddy felt about them, that what she did with her kids was about her and her kids not about them, and that they cant expect their Dad to be alone forever. I also explained that visitation is just that visitation its 10 days a month and it is the time they get to see their Dad and that it was not optional. As a result my children although not always overly thrilled about going to their Dad's and not always over the moon about it when they are there, but have learned to appreciate their time with their Dad. As they are now entering into highschool next year they have started to cut their schedule back by 4 days and is now down from 10 to 6 and both ex and I expect that time to shorten as they get older.

I also explained to them that whether they "like" or dont like ExH girlfriend now wife is not their place. They dont have to like her or her kids but they have to respect all of them period end of discussion and never up for debate nor was not attending visitation.

As a result of our handling of this my girls get along pretty good with their SM and two out of 3 step siblings.

Now...SD17 and SD13 were 9 and 6 when I met their Dad. I knew both Dad and Mom and both kids since they were very young. SD13 and my daughters were BFF's since they were 3 so I had had SD13 in my house all the time.

When BM 10 and 6 year old came home with the same issues at my house that my own kids had at my ex's BM approach was to get mad and tell the kids they dont have to come, call DH on the phone bitching about how unfair life is at our house, told her oldest to hit my children until I was so fed up we basically would tell her she didnt have to come for visiation.

As a result SD17's head is completely screwed up, she is a mini wife to the enth degree, her maturity level is that of a 11 year old (per counselor) she never finishes anything she starts, and even attempted (after being away from DH and I and returning back to us at 15 years old with full custody) she tried to bully me into leaving my marriage and my DD's in their own home.

You daughter needs counseling, and you need to support your ex even if you hate him. if he is not abusing her she needs to go for visition.

Please becareful how you handle this as it could shape the next 5 years of interaction with your ex and your daughter and that will in turn affect her interaction with men for the rest of her life.

all4myfamily's picture

I know that she cannot decide legally, but if she tells her Dad how she feels do you think he would let her live with who she wants to? We have 50/50 right now and she wants to change that to be with me during the school week and him every other weekend. My thought is that would be better for their relationship because she could start to see him in a different way. Right now all she sees is mean, bad temper Dad. If she was there less and only on weekends, the stress level would be less and she could see fun Dad and slowly build her trust and relationship back up with him. Will he see it that way or will he see it as me trying to take them away from him?

Sunflower1's picture

^yup

all4myfamily's picture

I think a father's role is to teach her how to live her life right. Do you think a man like this is capable of doing that? I had a wonderful father growing up and I want that for my girls. I just don't see that happening if she hates him and rebels his every request. He says one thing and does another. Kids learn by example and his is not a good one.

Sunflower1's picture

Do you know that for a fact or is this what you've been told? Kids don't like chores, And kids in two households sometimes play one parent against the other. I wouldn't be surprised if talking to your ex you find she tells similar things to her father about you.

all4myfamily's picture

beaccountable, thanks for your honest reply. Here are some of the details as to why Dad is mean. First of all, we already have the same rules/expectations at each house. The difference is that Dad is emotionally abusive. One instance of him being over the top angry with DD13 was heard by me by accident. He accidentally butt dialed me and I was able to hear the entire rage unfold unto my daughter. When I talked to him about the outburst he denied it until I showed him that he did in fact call me by accident. He is an non addmitting alcholic and we have been in a custody battle ever since we have been divorced due to his drinking and abusive behavior. The problem is that he is good at fooling everyone. He has foolded the GAL and has his new wife scared of him like I was. My DD13 is now old enough to understand that Dad does not keep promises and when he says that he won't have an outburst at her again and will control his temper. I understand that she needs her Dad. I want her to have him in her life, I just think that he may push her over the edge. Sometimes I can see her temper come out and it can be similiar to his. I just don't see how it can be helpful to have her live with him 50/50 knowing that she has a not so good escape plan in place for when he blows up at him or his wife. I tried to help with the escape or protection plan by getting her connected to her school counselor and a domestic abuse conselor that I was seeing, but she is too afaid of him and is scared to make a plan with anyone for safety. She thinks if she tells anyone he will hurt her worse than he already has. Not sure that this is a good role model father that you think she may need.