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Bf spends all his time with his daughter at this ex-wife's house...

anyha's picture

I've read a lot of stuff online, and I know that in general guys tend to have a hard time putting their ex in place and establishing boundaries and such but... This really seems inappropriate to me. His daughter is 5, his ex recently moved to this state and since then all of his time with his daughter is spent at his ex's house.

Originally, we tried to do things all 4 of us when they moved here to "get everyone used to each other". I've been with him for almost 3 years, so it's not like him dating me was a shock to her. She met me, and stayed with us when she came apartment hunting. But, after they were here a few months she kept freaking out on him and I am now banned from being around his daughter. (even though his daughter likes me, and infact that is probably part of the reason why i'm banned) For now, i could put up with that even since eventually the little girl will grow up and make her own choices, and maybe the mom will stop being so possesive. (she works as a counselor... so you'd think she could understand how harmful her behavior is)

But, what is really getting to me is that he STILL spends all of his time at his ex's when he visits his daughter. He sees his daughter 6 days a week. Every day after school until his ex gets home, a late evening where he stays long enough to put her to bed and one weekend day all day. His ex invites herself all the time on his weekend day, schedules activities for the daughter or schedules things they can do "all together".

It's great that they are getting along well enough for the sake of their child, but really... this is getting along a bit TOO well imo. Co-Parenting doesn't mean pretend to be a family and spend 50% of your time together... She sees him as often as I do. They txt or email every single day since of course she has to let him know when she is headed home or if she's going to be late and so forth.

I tried fighting it for awhile, but all that did was cause me and him to get upset with each other and made it so that when we DID have time together we were both upset. I've tried going along with it and being nice and "understanding" about the fact that she moved here recently and is working and they are figuring out a good schedule. But, even when i offer to leave the house the entire day on the weekend so he can have his daughter at his house instead of hers, he brings her over for an hour once or twice and then said it was too complicated.

I'm really not sure at this point what to do. Getting upset didn't help, being nice didn't help, our relationship was really wonderful the 2 years before she moved here. I don't want to just throw it away because things got tough, and i don't want to feel like she "won" either. (since a still feel like she doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him either.. she likes having her personal doormat) I've talked to him, i've told him this situation isn't ok, he's afraid she will move back if he pushes her too much and he doesn't want the situation to become a big ugly mess for the sake of his daughter.

I even sent her a VERY NICE letter (i had my sister who is an ex-wife proof read it) stating that if she wanted to talk I was open and that i just wanted this to be a good healthy situation. She didn't bother to respond, told her ex that it gave her a knot in her stomach but still didn't respond. (I figure why would she since she's getting everything she wants at this point.. but.. i had to at least try)

Is there anything I can do to make this better? I know it's really up to him and her to fix this but.. nothing seems to be happening. I've reached the point of giving up. And, if I meant something, wouldn't he be worried I'd get fed up and leave? Makes me think he doesn't really care and it's convient if i'm here but if i'm not oh well. Any suggestions, or perspectives on this situation? I'm trying to look at it from his side and even from his ex's... but it can't stay like this forever. It needs to get better, even if it's slow tiny baby steps...does it ever?

doll faced sm's picture

Agree with the notion of "playing you both." A man will not spend that much time with a woman he's not getting something out of - even for a child's sake. Maybe it's not physical (I doubt it), but regardless, there is a deeper relationship going on there than baby mama.

young_step_mom's picture

I think your BF needs to put his foot down. If he is scared that she might leave, he should go through the courts so that even if she does leave he has some kind of custody agreement in place.

DH used to be really passive w BM and it was a big issue with me. We were supposed to have SS Christmas Eve but she ignored DH's calls and texts all day and when she finally answered she said it was too late for him to pick up SS but he could come over if he wanted. DH felt bad about not being able to see him so he ran right over to her house and left me alone w MIL on Christmas Eve for over an hour. I was furious and I finally told him I had had enough and I couldn't do it anymore. I simply explained to him that it was not fair that I always had to suck it up and let go of my anger or frustration and try to be the bigger person. I told him that I was his wife and if he was going to make someone happy, it better be me. I told him that I understood that he didn't want to fight w her, but it if was between fighting w her or fighting w me then he better start getting thicker skin because I wasn't willing to put my happiness on the back burner any more to accommodate BM. I wasn't the one who had the kid and I shouldn't have to pay for his mistakes. THEY had the kid so THEY should hash it out, it is not ok that he and I were fighting over a mistake he made w someone else.

I won't tell you that he changed over night and he still sometimes does things that piss me off, but he is getting waaaay better at it! I don't think holding back will help, and it will just make you resentful of him and BM (and possibly SD). My advice would be to explain to him that it is not ok to spare your feelings to accommodate BM's. It sounds like you have really tried to be a part of their relationship but she has pushed you out and separated you. One of these two relationships if going to end badly, it is up to him which he decided to sacrifice. Best of luck!

anyha's picture

Thanks for the comments. He spent most of their marriage sacrificing his own happiness to try and avoid arguments, stress and fighting. He is afraid to go to the courts because he doesn't want to turn it into a big ugly mess for his daughter and spend all of their time fighting.

He says he spends the time over there because it's easier because his daughters stuff is all there. (the daughter is VERY attached to her things, most likely because of this divorce and emotional issues of abandonment)

The ex pushes every button she can find to guilt him, and he's a very responsible guy. He didn't even want kids and wasn't ready for them and the daughter wears him out a lot (so i think he kind of likes having her schedule stuff for them to do just so he doesn't have to think about it) but he also loves his daughter and again, feels responsible for her and feels like he has to give up his own happiness if it means things will be a little easier for his daughter.

I don't want this to turn into a me against his daughter issue. No father should have to pick between a SO or their child, and in truth I know i would loose. If he was the kind of guy i would love then of course he would choose his child over me if pushed. But, me vs his ex... different story. I just don't know how to make him realize that he doesn't have to deal with his ex just to have his daughter. (right now i think he sees it as a package deal at least for a few years or more)

But, you guys are also probably right, he is probably getting something out of their interactions. Even if it's totally platonic, they were married and they have a lot of history. (they are both from another country as well and he feels guilty that she is only here in the US and here in our state because of him)

But, are those really my only options? Stay and be miserable, or give him an ultimatum and accept that it might mean the end? I've told him it's not ok. He tried to change things but every time he tried she threw a temper tantrum (of course). And he doesn't seem to GET IT, that she's ALWAYS going to throw temper tantrums as long as he gives in whenever she does.

He's been reading articles, and i know he sent her some stuff about divorce and kids and mom's who are overcontrolling and try banning the new gf/fiance/wife from the child and how it's harmful to the children... but, it's been 8 months now since they moved here, and 3 months since i've been "banned". It's hard to be patient and I feel like yes he does need to just tell her to deal with it. I guess i'm wondering if my patients is going to pay off, or if i'm just stalling.

anyha's picture

Well, that might normally be a thought except that 1- he would never cheat, as a principle. and 2- it would be impossible with their daughter around and not into bed until 8pm. She has huge amounts of energy and can be really tiring.

But.. emotionally cheating? They are obviously still emotionally in a relationship. They never weren't in one... which is most likely the stem of this whole situation. And, if she can upset him or they get into fights, then they are obviously still in an emotional relationship. The truth is they are hurting their child as well, I can see already that she is confused. They didn't tell her they were divorced until just a few months ago. (even though they've been apart for 3+ years...)

I guess i read these forums though, and as terrible as this situation is, and obvously i am not a priority or he would make this better... these other situations sound just as terrible, sometimes worse. Maybe i should be grateful that i am able to cut off all interaction with his ex, and that i don't have to deal with a SD who might be horrible to me. The BM has a lot of emotional and mental issues.. but aside from him always doing to her house to be with his daughter and her making him moody whenever she gets in a fight or guilt trips him i don't have to personally deal with her all the time.

And, if i left i would only compare every other guy to him, which wouldn't be fair to anyone else. (his personality and traits, interests, likes, dislikes are about 90% perfect in what i could imagine in a person i wanted to be with.. and that's just almost impossible to find, especially cause i'm pretty picky)

Isn't it ever nice? When people get divorced and date again? I'm old enough (30) that most guys i meet will have most likely been married or have ex's and very likely kids. They might have more kids than 1, they might have ex's who are even crazier who might actually stalk me, or call me with threats, i might end up in courts all the time just to be with the guy. So, yeah i'm stalling but can you blame me for hoping this will get better with time? Don't BM's ever get tired of being so controlling? Or they find another man eventually...

I've thought about this from every angle i can, and tried to do as much research as possible. But, I don't know anyone else going through stuff like this and my sister who got divorced spent 11 years in court battles. I'm a peacemaker by nature, aren't there any tips at all that could make this situation better or at least slowly get it back on track?

(his parents like me, and email me all the time and keep telling me that things will get better in time but they don't really know the situation cause he doesn't talk to them much about personal stuff. But, they are wise enough to know there is more going on than what they see... I even debated talking to them. Who knows him better than them? But, i don't know if that would be crossing a line, sharing information that he probably is keeping from them. And, i don't know if they would say anything to him anyways.. or just do a *pat pat* stick in there it will get better deal)

So many people on these forums have been dealing with BM, or ARE BM, or stepparents and such. There must be something i can do.

alwaysanxious's picture

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alwaysanxious's picture

I think I may come off mean in some of this. I'm really just mad FOR you. Just take anything i say with a grain of salt.

1. I think this all of us being one happy family is the exception rather than the rule. Kudos for trying but this is where things go downhill. No boundaries right from the start. NO staying at YOUR apt. See where it got you, SHE is making rules about what YOU can and can't do now with seeing her daughter. You need to be making some rules here.

2. HE needs to be told he can't go to the Ex's house anymore. 'nuf said. No if's and's or buts. He needs to visit with his daughter on HIS (and your) turf NOT HERS. You are setting yourself up for being a doormat here. He should not be spending so much time with the ex. Plus there is too much opportunity for them to rekindle things (even for one night). I don't care if you think he'd never do it, its all opportunity.

HE is setting his child up for dissapointment pretending to be doing it for his daughter. Mommy and daddy are not together, pretending isn't doing her any justice. She needs to learn the boundaries too. We are not together anymore, its ok we still love you and are both here for you but we are separate from each other.

"His ex invites herself all the time on his weekend day, schedules activities for the daughter or schedules things they can do "all together"."

AGAIN, the ex is calling the shots here, NOOO he's with you that's not how it works anymore. He has to take his balls out of his ex's purse and learn that he cannot make decisions out of fear. She cannot use his daughter to get things the way she wants. Get visitation and CS done formally through the court if its not already done. Get a parenting plan written up, detailed to the "t".

"It's great that they are getting along well enough for the sake of their child, but really... this is getting along a bit TOO well imo. Co-Parenting doesn't mean pretend to be a family and spend 50% of your time together... She sees him as often as I do. They txt or email every single day since of course she has to let him know when she is headed home or if she's going to be late and so forth."

YES THIS, you are right, you are just being too nice to say it. You are too afraid to tell him, but if you want to be happy you are going to have to. If you want to live with resentment and hate later, then stay quiet. Sorry, its harsh but I'm telling you its going to build.

"I tried fighting it for awhile, but all that did was cause me and him to get upset with each other and made it so that when we DID have time together we were both upset. "

because you have to keep at it until he changes or until you both realize he's not going to change and its time to end things. If you are too afraid to be without him, you will live to be his doormat.

You have good times that you are remembering before all this happened, that is making you hang on. Its never going to be like that again. It sucks, i know.

Do not reach out to ex anymore. You are done. That is YOUR boundary. She doesn't need to deal with you and you don't need to deal with her. She is showing no positive response. Leave it alone. He may have to take her crap, but you don't.

I Is there anything I can do to make this better?

YES, lay down the law. He needs to put up or shut up. Otherwise, you will not like how the relationship goes with him and you will not like how you become. I'm so sorry again harsh. I hate to see this though. I hate to see someone in your position.

You should be angry about this situation. Not trying to be the one to fix it. He is the one who needs to fix it you have nothing that you need to do here. You have done what you can and are being taken advantage of. I hope you will see this and I hope you will use that anger constructively.

anyha's picture

Thanks for the comments. No, i don't really see it as too harsh. It is truth really. I already told him that he is treating me like a doormat. (which he of course said wasn't true but we know it is)

I'm always too patient, too nice, until it's just too much. I guess i just need to determine what my limit is, and be ready to walk out.

Because she moved here specifically so that he could be closer to his daughter, he was trying to be supportive since she has no friends, had to find a new job, and doesn't really like this area. But, she's been here long enough now she doesn't need that kind of "help".

I'm still friends with my ex as well, so i can understand some of the perspective, but you all are right about the boundaries.

She used to call him and talk, after i talked to him he made sure that he didn't answer when she called, or he acts busy so they talk for 1min or less. He's kept to this, and she learned that he won't respond if he's with me unless it's an emergency. (meaning he'll check his voicemail and if it's not an emergency he doesn't get back to her). He tries not to stay after she gets home. (he picks up the daughter from school, but she commutes to work and doesn't usually get there until later)

So, i guess it did get a little better. I guess that's why i thought (or think) it's a possibility. They got divorced, but they never had to figure out boundaries because they lived in different states, so in a way it's like they just barely got divorced now that she moved here. they had VERY different ideas as to what it meant to be divorced. She figured she would just accept me into their "family" unit. It was when i was not ok with this idea that she got all fiesty about her daughter and about guilt tripping him into spending time with his daughter more while controlling where, how, when he did.

When we do fight about it, it seems to take him about 2 or 3 months to process what i said, and i usually hear him repeating my own words back by then but at that point it is coming from him not me. (like i pointed out that right now he's just a free babysitter who is always on call for her, a month or two later he was telling her that she was treating him like a babysitter)

I guess i just needed to vent a bit. Nothing anyone has said was a surprise or shock, and non was really mean either. It's truth. He needs to fix his boundaries, and if he doesn't i'll eventually have to give up on him. And unfortunately, everyone who posted is right. There isn't anything else that i can do. It has to be him. Thanks for the comments though. I guess we all need a little validation sometimes.

vera3's picture

When I first read the subject title of this post I immediately thought "Oh HELL no"! Reading your post made my hair curl!!!

Boundaries are SO important in situations like ours (with the ex's, BM's etc). I really hope you insist on him creating some crystal clear boundaries that YOU are comfortable with! I couldn't live with any of that nonsense for one minute. Good luck!

anyha's picture

Aside from her demands, I think a big reason why he goes over there is for convenience. Since he only has an hour or two after school, they go to her house and do homework, when his ex gets home he can just take off.

The ex's house is minutes from his work so it's easy for him to leave work and meet the daughter at the bus stop if necessary. All of her things are there. (school desk, toys, ect..) Their apartment has access to an indoor pool, and the daughter has friends in that complex she can play with when they go to the playground there and the pool.

I feel like i am fighting more than just inappropriate boundaries between him and his ex. There's also the factor of convenience, stress, and time if he is shuttling his daughter back and forth between homes. (which he mentioned as a concern he felt was wasting his time with his daughter)

Our place is not set up for a child, even though I got a little box and filled it with kid stuff. So, he says he doesn't really know what to do with her at our place and that the daughter is bored.

How do push him to define boundaries with his ex, without also forcing him to change how he gets to interact with his daughter? I feel like by making it difficult for him to have time with her that i am pitting myself against the daughter, instead of making him choose between me and his ex. Make sense? I just don't know the best way to avoid this. I don't want to hurt his relationship with his daughter, and i don't think he should have to choose between his daughter and his gf. Even though I agree I am being way to nice right now, and I shouldn't be putting up with any of this.

alwaysanxious's picture

He is a parent. A parent should create a space in the home for their child. He's just being lazy and pushing things off. excuses excuses. What is he going to do as she gets older, still hang at the ex's? You want 15 years of this?

He has to change how he is with his daughter because how he is now is wrong. Its inevitable unless he moves in with the ex.

Stop feeling like you are in the wrong here or that you are going to hurt his relationship with his daughter. You aren't.

vera3's picture

I totally understand the convenience factor, I really do. HOWEVER...
I still, were it me, would insist on figuring out an alternative that includes clear boundaries, and that means no more hanging at the ex'es house. He really shouldn't be even having to step across his ex'es doorway. You know what I mean?

I dont' understand what it means to not have a place set up for a kid. I mean, she's 5, not a baby or anything. They just need a place to interact... get some coloring books, kids movies, toys, etc?

I know you don't want to alienate him but something has to change and he's going to have to cooperate if he cares about how YOU feel. I would just tell him, look I love you but I need us to change things so that you aren't hanging out inside your ex'es home. It just makes me uncomfortable and it's not reasonable. Let's figure out a way for you to see your daughter but NOT in her mom's house. I would insist if it was me, because otherwise I couldn't tolerate it. It must bother you a lot, I'm sure.

anyha's picture

Yes, it bothers me or i wouldn't be posting. And, i do see the conflict and how if nothing is done this could continue for the next 15 years. It's unfortunate that she does not have someone else, i'm pretty sure she would be a hypocrit and suddenly want "boundaries" if she did have another guy in her life.

When i've talked to him, he is frustrated. He says he doesn't really want it to be like this but he doesn't know how to change it. I told him to find professional help if that made it easier to accept suggestions since anything i tell him, she's going to say that he is only doing that because of me and not because he chooses it himself.

It sounds so easy, but when the BM is threatening to move back to where she moved from originally, and threatens to make it difficult for him to be in his daughters life, and then blames him for not being a good dad, how does he risk it? They have a plan set up, which they don't follow. The plan includes overnights, and is something like every other weekend. That means he'd have to have a bed or something setup for his daughter, and he would be a single dad for a whole weekend. I think he likes not having to be a full time parent. He said he wasn't ready for a child, and they only had one cause he thought it would make her happy. (she wanted one) Instead they fight all the time because he really wasn't ready for one or wanted one. He's trying to be a good parent, even though it isn't something that seems to come naturally to him.

There is nothing in their court documents that say she can't relocate. And, they are from another country originally and she could easily move back and be near her family. Then he wouldn't get to see his daughter more than once a year or less. He's afraid of this. He said he looked into it, and i've looked into it also. If it doesn't say anything specifically about relocation, then they CAN just pick up and move away somewhere. Her old job would take her back in a heartbeat and she could easily say that she has more support there. (so the courts would probably be ok with it)

She loads it on him that she is only here because HE wanted his daughter nearby. So she picked up, changed jobs, moved to a state she dislikes. (she hates our weather and community) All for him...

He feels like his daughters happiness is the most important thing, even if he has to be miserable. When we talked, he said that even though he doesn't LIKE being around her, at least he can come home to a place without her and that even if he was alone, it's better than it was when they were together. I think he's willing to give up any personal happiness so his daughter doesn't have to feel like a yo-yo or have them fighting over her. His ex makes statements (of course) to specifically make him feel guilty. Things like, how she sacrificed so much so he can be with his daughter and all she asks is that she doesn't have to share her daughter. That's all she asks!... ha ha. As if by asking that she isn't asking for so much more and tieing him up like a permenant babysitter/slave with that one statement.

But, what mom wants to share their child? I can't say that her emotions are not real, or that she's doing it JUST out of spite. (although i'm sure she knows the difficulties it causes) He tends to think in logics more than emotions. So, the plea makes sense i guess.

Just because I know that this is not good ultimately for the daughter any more than it is for her, or me or him... doesn't mean he can see it. Aside from 10years passing and having a daughter who is all messed up and everyone being miserable and looking back on the situation and seeing the mistakes.. i don't know how to help him see how wrong it is. And, how by dealing with stress, hurt, pain right now will be better in the long run.

I saw my sister go through 11 years of court fighting. I know how long it can last and how much of a waste of energy it is to keep fighting. And how it can suck up an entire lifetime and the loss of all those potential opportunities for happiness. He keeps thinking it will just get better on it's own with time. I don't know how to convince him or help him see that burrying his head in the sand isn't going to make things better, and that things that are small problems now will only get worse if he doesn't take care of them.

Timing matters too though. If someone is stressed beyond their capacity then adding more to the stress you are pushing them to only one conclusion. If I push too soon, or too hard, i might be doing more damage than good and it will be a self fulfilling prophesy.

My only options seem to be stick around, be patient, be understanding, and feeling like a doormat. Or, give him an ultimatum and be ready to stick to it and move on. I don't feel like either of those are acceptable options. Sad

vera3's picture

Yeah thats pretty complicated. I guess I'm more of a black and white type person and not having things clear really bothers me. I can't believe the courts would let her move away with the daughter. When I got divorced I thought, well, guess I'm stuck in THIS city forever.
Well I wish you luck, sounds like such an emotional roller coaster he's on. I don't know how long I could stand watching another woman emotionally jerking my SO around like that. Sad

anyha's picture

Yeah, that is a big part of why I am bothered. I really do trust him that nothing more is happening aside from him spending time with his daughter. I have no choice but to give him that trust, otherwise we don't have a relationship if we don't have trust. But, if he can't distance himself from his ex, she will always have the ability to control him and manipulate him emotionally.

Why do mothers use their children like that? As emotional crutches, as pawns. Then they declare that their whole reason for living is for the happiness of their child! So don't ask them to share them with another women! (even though they share them with their teachers, ymca, daycare, babysitters... ) It hurts to see her manipulate him, and it hurts that when i point it out to him he doesn't really seem to get it. (or maybe he just feels like it's hopeless) I feel bad for the daughter also. She's only 5, but this mom is used to getting her way by throwing tantrums and twisting love into guilt to get her way and to control. If she can manage to grow up and be happy then she's one tough little nut.

vera3's picture

Do you think if you push for a change, he will just say "you're making me choose between my daughter and you, and I have to choose my daughter"? Because if he does, thats just nonsense. That means he just wants his cake and eat it too, he want to feel none of the discomfort/inconvenience but doesn't mind if YOU feel it. That's not fair or reasonable.

I'd be worried about taking a stand too. But I would want to know, does my BF truly care how I feel or not, when push comes to shove?
It's not like you're asking him to not see his daughter...You just want boundaries you're comfortable with and I don't think that's too much to ask, you deserve that.

anyha's picture

Yes, you are right on all accounts. If we were never afraid of the outcome, we would never hesitate to push for a solution. In some ways, I am being as spineless as he is. He is afraid to push her, and I am afraid to push him. So, in a way i know what he is going through... I do see the irony.

Unhappy's picture

"How do push him to define boundaries with his ex, without also forcing him to change how he gets to interact with his daughter? I feel like by making it difficult for him to have time with her that i am pitting myself against the daughter, instead of making him choose between me and his ex."

Okay. I'm going to be honest about this one. It does not make since. Your BF needs to understand that you are a part of his life. I think that you are being completely reasonable with your request. You're not forcing him to change the amount of time he is spending with his child. You are asking him to be considerate of your feelings. I think that he is just copping out with all the excuses he is giving you. Since when is having a child convenient? It can be at times. But for the most part it's all about sacraficing your life to help them grow up to responsible little people. He needs to understand that. So what if it takes more time away from the time he spends with her. That should give him the drive to want to get a CO in place. I understand the not wanting to go to court to fight about it, but since when has the ostrich head in the sand approach ever worked for anyone let alone an ostrich? I'm assuming never. He needs to do what's right for you and his daughter. That means telling his ex that he wants to sit down and do a parenting plan for a CO. If she is unwilling then he will have to take her to court. Most courts will look down upon the fact that she is unwilling to try and work it out and he is willing. Plus you he will have to attend a parenting class where they actually get you to sit down to do a parenting plan before it ever goes before a judge. The bottom line is you are not asking him to exclude his daughter from his life. You are asking that he include you.

I speak from experience. My SO always took the head in the sand approach while his ex was trying to get him to go trick or treating with her and the kids amongst many other things until I finally told him that I would not marry him while he was still emotionally married to someone else. Believe me when I tell you that we went round after round after round about this. But that's just how it is for me. I'm not controlling or demanding but I also don't want his intrusive, controlling, manipulative, shady, crazy ex in our life. If she was a stand up person that would be different. But she's not. I read in one of the earlier blogs that you just keep trying until your SO either gets it or you leave. Unfortunately this is what you're going to have to do. Change takes time. It can get better. And I will repeat this again because you come off as being guilty about wanting this, "You're not asking him to exclude his daughter. You are asking that he include you."

P.S. I can't believe that she told him that you're not allowed to be around their daughter. She is a nut job. But on the brighter side of things if she were to say that to a judge and have no reason to back up why she wants that it won't look very good for her. I mean I could understand if you were a raging drunk or if I felt that my childs life would be in jepordy if she was around you. My SO would flip out on his ex if she ever stated that which she has tried but to no avail. The way I see it is she's just spitting into the wind, and we all know what happens when you do that.

The Triangle's picture

I really hope you leave him. It is the best thing for you, the child, and them. He is obviously not having any regard for your feelings and that is a deal breaker in my world!

raindrop's picture

Do you really think he just up and leaves when the ex walk through the door? Come on.

I'm not suggesting that they are having a love affair, but I can guarantee the three of them sit around in a pow wow for a few minutes every night, giving the ex updates on the daughters day, etc. And as he is trying to leave, I guarantee the ex corners him and talks shiiit about you, or, asks him for advice, uses him as a shoulder to cry on, asks him to change the light bulb, etc, etc.

anyha's picture

Well, just to give an update. We've talked in the past so he's pretty aware of the situation and how i feel about it.

So, a few small things have happened that give me a little hope.

-He sent her some links to articles talking about kids and divorces and one of them specifically talks about guys who are remarried and ex's who refuse to get along with the new wife and how it hurts the kids.
(the article actually gives a statistic saying that white women with a degree are the most likely to "refuse" to share their child, which is exactly what she is. Whether the statistic is valid or not is irrelevant. By sending her this article he is pointing a finger directly at her since she fits that "stereotype" and lettign the article tell her she's hurting her child instead of him directly telling her)

-He picked up some books that were written for guys about how to be a live-away dad. (there's a section in there that describes all about dealing with your ex and not giving in to everything she says and points out that it is actually bad to do this. It gives pointers how to avoid arguments as well and how to define boundaries)

-this week, after one of the evenings with his daughter he headed home (a few minutes earlier than his visitation end time even), and first thing he did was give me a big hug and tell me he loved me. (this is REALLY unusual for him) Later in the evening he told me about his evening with his daughter and what his plans were for his weekend visit and told me that he is planning to try harder to find activities away from her house and away from her. (just him and his daughter)

The key, is that i didn't say anything to him recently. After he told me about his plans, i just made a simple comment that this current situation really is so so so wrong, and he agreed.

So, i have a little hope. Trying not to let it inflate TOO much cause this still isn't really a solution and there's still the chance that she will flip out on him again and he'll cave again... But, it's nice at least that he seems to be trying.

Oh, and she DID talk badly about me once and he got mad at her and told her it made him lose respect for her that she would say things like that just because she was upset and angry, and that I personally have nothing to do with their situation. (They were already apart and in different states when i met him, and it DID make me feel good to know that he defended me) Apparently, having people's respect means something to her so it was definately a barb thrown back at her.

The daughter's birthday is in one week... I'm sure i won't be invited (even though i was last year) and i already made plans for the day so i won't be sitting at home feeling bad. But.. trying to decide if a gift would be ok. I'm sure the BM just HATES anything i get. And, the daughter has a lot of "stuff", so i don't want to just add more clutter. Any ideas for a gift that would be good for a soon to be 6yo that also isn't going to be clutter sitting around or a constant reminder and salt in the wound type deal for the BM? (my bf said he was thinking to get her a book series they can read together)

Britishtamales's picture

if you want to really grab his attention, wait until you are with friends or people you just met and bring the issue up and tell him to grow some balls and tell the ex-wife he is not doing again.

 

And please let us know the outcome.