Are they that clueless?

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Weekends are precious.

Dh asks me to not schedule us too much on weekends since it is the only time to just chill out. Lately at some point EVERY. WEEKEND. SD comes over. He doesn't see it as a disruption, but I do.

Here is the convo
DH: are we doing anything Saturday?
Me: thankfully, no
DH: oh great SD asked if she could come over
Me: ok, (sigh)

Then in the interest of sanity, I find something to do. In all fairness, DH doesn't ask me to to anything for her etc.. I just don't want her here. In my space. Walking around and telling me how AWESOME she is etc.. Sometimes they go out, sometimes I join them, sometimes I don't. This past weekend we had a TON of stuff to do, and I did most of it alone because SD had to get some stuff. (it was unfortunate timing and I do think DH had to do it with her,I just resent it) I kind of feel like I never get a restful weekend.

Before you all jump on me and say it's my own fault etc.. etc. for not telling him "no", it has been a horrible few years for him, and about 8 months of no visitation, and huge fights and things are finally peaceful for them to some degree. I want him to see her. I just wish he understood that when SD is here, it's not chill for me. And that when there is no plan- That IS the plan.... It is also usually only 4-5 days a month... I know, I know, suck it up.
Many of you have horrible 50/50. I would die.

I just wanted to vent. Happy Monday...

That's it. I used to look

That's it. I used to look forward to weekends, but now? Nah...

Then, let's say, he has her Saturday- they Disney it up all day, and then when shit needs to get done on Sunday, he wants to relax...

Lets not forget the , "daaaaaddddddddyyyyyy i love you" texts all week. Which SD14 knows makes him open his wallet.

I just feel like such a shrew

I just feel like such a shrew when I want to say that she is company for me, while she is his daughter. I'm having trouble separating SD from BM these days for some reason. (It bothers me now, more than before- we've been together 5yrs)

It's almost like, ok- Fine, she comes over 1x a week, but the rest of the week, I don't even want to hear her name.

See? I sound horrible...

He is being better about scheduling- so I feel like I should compromise a bit too. DH has also agreed when I said, that sometimes I won't join them. But I know it makes him sad.

I know DH loves his kids, but

I know DH loves his kids, but the skids to me are just unruly house guests. They get the run of the place and just basically do whatever they want, and BM doesn't have the backbone to stand up to them and tell them to behave. I'm not going to get involved in trying to discipline them, either. I'm disengaged totally. They still pester the hell out of me with their constant whining and demands, though.

I also hate having to hear about the skids when they're not with us. BM calls DH a lot about at least one of them, then I get to hear about what skid-so-and-so is up to. Like I give a hot damn.

I hate it when the skids end

I hate it when the skids end up at my house on unscheduled days. They were with us three days last week, and they weren't supposed to be, and no one bothered to tell me beforehand that they were coming. DH and BM changed their schedule around a bit, and no one thought I needed to be told. I found out when I walked through the door, coming home from work at 6:00pm. YUCK.

IT SUCKS. I sigh and know that my plans to just chill out and relax just went out the window...Not gonna happen. No, the skids are going to run around and trash the house. I no longer clean up after them, but I have to deal with their damn messes all over the place, in literally every room of the house. DH hardly ever expects them to pick up after themselves. It's SO depressing.

Fortunately, we never have SD

Fortunately, we never have SD when we arent supposed to (hell, half the time we dont get her wehn we ARE supposed to). But i can so relate.

SD puts me on edge. its not relaxing, it is absolutely like a houseguest/stranger.

In the beginning, i enjoyed her because while she was always spoiled, she at least eas pleasant to be around. now she is just an absolute drain, and i just avoid her when all possible. but i hear ya, some evenings i just want to plunk on MY couch and watch MY tv, not hide in my room to avoid her or leave the house to socialize, work out, etc.

I don't know, based on what

I don't know, based on what you said about them just resuming their relationship, if this is possible, but would it help if he included her in the chore-type stuff when she comes over like that? My teenage SD's were never allowed to just come over and sit on their butts all day - there's yard work, vacuuming, sorting winter/summer clothes (especially if it's theirs!), dishes, taking out the trash, grocery shopping, etc etc etc. Basically all the stuff that has to get done on weekends when you've got the 2 adults in the house working all week. The skids were required to do that stuff with us - we certainly didn't wait to do it until they left!

silly, ally, that's common

silly, ally, that's common sense! you know these dads dont have that when it comes to their kids!! those kids have it sooo hard. they need to relax! chill out with their devices! sleep until noon!

ding ding ding! and since I

ding ding ding!

and since I don't care what she's up to, she is on her tablet until 4am bc daddddddyyyyyy lets her.

And she sleeps until noon? Oh- isn't that sweet? She isn't able to sleep in at home (BM's)you see. She has 2 infant siblings that wake her up soooooooo early.

oh no. Snowflake not required

oh no.

Snowflake not required to do anything. and I am disengaged in the sense that we are polite strangers with each other, and I don't have much to do with her. If I had them come grocery etc with me, then I have to deal with her. The alternative becomes I do it on my own.

And, also because it used to be EOWE, then became nothing, and now it is not on a schedule at all, I feel constantly in limbo.

For eg- I'm expecting a quiet weekend, so I will do groceries and various errands early so I can relax. Then I find out SD is coming since we 'have no plans'. Well- now I have to fake shit. What ends up happening is big ole family day (inlaws etc) and I can't skip it all the time.

Ear plugs and blinders?

We used to have that too- she

We used to have that too- she would ditch visitation.

Great for me, but then i have a sulky DH and the whole freakin' day I get, "Oh SD would have loved this movie." or "Oh SD would love to have had this for lunch." etc etc.. I can't freakin win.

Oh- and our trip?? We are missing 2 apparently important events because god forbid we planned a vacation. we've asked and asked about these dates, and all of a sudden she knows and sure enough?? On our trip. I'm fine with it- it would have had me in proximity with BM. }:) But DH feels guilty now, and I'm sure I will have to hear about it on the plane.... and on the beach... and while I drown myself in wine...

How the hell do you say "I don't want to hear about SD please." ? I mean- c'mon for those of you who have bios- that's hurtful isn't it?

I have bios, but I'm still

I have bios, but I'm still married to their dad. And I'd take that from him whereas I don't think I would from a stepdad.

On the other hand, I think if some hypothetical stepdad said something more along the lines of, "Could you stop making me feel guilty for enjoying our vacation?" (not in an angry way, more like a "I hate to ask you this, but..." kind of way), I wouldn't flip - I'd probably stop talking about my kids though and concentrate on my spouse.

Yes, maybe try that approach

Yes, maybe try that approach - "honey, this is supposed to be OUR vacation, couple time and when it's couple time we don't talk about the kids!"

Or just smile, nod and change the subject - EVERY time.

And wine. Lots of wine....

Have you tried to just tell

Have you tried to just tell him that you would like to have every other weekend skid free? Just so you and he can have some alone time.

It normally is EOWE. Then

It normally is EOWE. Then there was nothing for 8-9 months.

BM harassed me, police were involved and I was the scapegoat for BM's Bullshit behaviour. It is only recently that DH and SD are finding their way back to each other.

Visits are shorter- like a few hours on a sat or sun, the odd sleepover. It is a slow process and I think because SD spends a few hours here and there without the commitment of a whole weekend, she is more comfortable with her dad.

Perhaps once they are more established again I will do that. thanks Willow.

Good points. My DH thinks my

Good points. My DH thinks my skids are just fine with me but they often times won't look at me when I try and talk to them and at dinner when we all sit down together they will only talk to each other or their father. They don't even look at me even when I am saying something. Makes me feel like I am invisible, in MY house.
My DH thinks it's all my fault if I try and tell him how I feel.
you're right, it's probably just fine for him except I'm not really making him feel too comfortable lately because I'm getting fed up. Sorry for the vent but it's Easter and it's his holiday but not our weekend (we have them 60%). So originally he told me that they would only be here for about two hours today but then late yesterday evening sprung it on me that they would be here all day, and they were.