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Any Advice Please...

GoneCrazy's picture

Submitted by GoneCrazy on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 12:07pm

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Hi everyone. I joined this site a few months ago, but I had to cancel my account and create a new one today because of the crazy drama I was just thrown into!!! I am so angry at how easy it is for anyone to just get your personal informaton and 'pretend' to be you! Have you had your PBM's do this? I just don't know what to do at this point. I ask my family/friends for advice and they are no help, since they have never heard of someone doing this or even where to start to fix this. How can someone who doesn't even know YOU 'pretend' to be you. I am not understanding any of this right now. Other than the mess above I need advice on what happened this morning...SD10, she makes it clear to me daily that I am not her mother and I have learned to deal with the attitude from her. But, she is having a school function this Thurs and I offered to help in any way that I can. I am told, by a 10 yr old, that I am not her mother and I do not need to do anything for her or her school and I better not show up with anything like I did last time when I was told not to! Whoa!! excuse me??? who's the adult here. DH says to be patient, always be patient. how much more patient do I need to be? I wasn't trying to 'take-over' I just want her to know even if she hate me I still love her and know one day we can hopefully have a good relationship. Any adivse will be great!

Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 12:23pm

Don't put yourself in a position to allow her to speak to you that way. She has made it clear how she feels. She is old enough to do all of the "motherly things" that you do for her I am sure... like doing her laundry, etc... when she asks, tell her, "I am not your mother, do it yourself". Okay, maybe not the most mature response I have ever come up with. But you don't deserve to be treated like that. I would not go out of my way for her in the least bit. She may come around when she realizes all of the things you did for her simply because you cared. She may not come around at all, so in the mean time don't waste your efforts.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

GoneCrazy's picture

Submitted by GoneCrazy on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 12:40pm

I think I can do that. the problem I have is I have said that before (to myself, well I just won't do ANYTHING for you since you are so ungrateful), but then I'm up all night feeling so guilty that I try even harder the next day.

Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 1:10pm

That you are begging for her approval. Why do you need the approval of a 10 year old. She thinks the sun rises and sets on Hannah Montana. She is a child, stop looking for her approval. I have been there, oh boy have I! Except I was looking for the approval of my, then, 2 year old SS. He is now 4, and once I stopped trying so hard, things just kinda fell into place. Do what you HAVE to do for her, the things that she cannot, or her Dad cannot... since you are the only mother figure. Don't be mean to her, just make it clear that if she doesn't want you to be her "mom" in some areas, it goes for ALL areas. There is no grey area. The guilt will get to you, you are human... and it is natural for you to want to do these things for her, I am sure that you love her. Be strong... you deserve respect, even if you have to demand it.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

GoneCrazy's picture

Submitted by GoneCrazy on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 1:27pm

You are right, I am wanting her approval. What the he**?! Why am I letting a 10 yr old rule me? well I know why to a certain level.

You seem so smart for only being a SM for 2 years. Kudos to YOU! Smile

Thank you Daddysgurl!

Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 2:05pm

When he was 1, I didn't find myself searching for his approval. It was not until he could actually verbalize his disapproval of me that I started fighting for it tooth and nail. All I ended up with was a broken heart. Strange how a 2 year old can tug at your heart strings when he is not even your flesh and blood... but he can and he DID. I don't know what happened... maybe BM stopped filling his head with garbage about me. Maybe he learned that I am not the enemy... I am not sure, but really it doesn't matter because things are good with us now. I am sure we will have our battles when he gets older, but I will have (and already do) similar battles with my own kids (I want my dad, that one kills me)we just have to remember that these are KIDS we are dealing with. They typically have diarrea of the mouth and thinking before they speak is not a common practice. They don't realize how words can hurt. The only thing WE can do especially as STEP parents, it lead by example. Love unconditionally and be there for them when they come around. Wink

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

sparky's picture

Submitted by sparky on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 12:33pm

You offered and she said no. Why pursue the subject knowing how she feels?

GoneCrazy's picture

Submitted by GoneCrazy on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 12:41pm

I am the only mother figure she has in her life. I know how I felt as a child at school functions with no family around and I don't want her to feel how I did.

So, am I wrong to try to do "things" for her?

sparky's picture

Submitted by sparky on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 1:29pm

If I offered to do something for a friend and they said no I would drop it so I would do the same for SC. When she gets ready to have a relationship with you let her pursue it and that she will feel like she has a tiny little bit of control over her life. DH is right and I would give her some space. If you pursue a butterfly it will fly away, but if you sit quietly it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.

hangingin's picture

Submitted by hangingin on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 10:27pm

I have never been told "your not my mom" but I have been used and manipulated by SD and BM to point that I can not believe a word that comes out of SD's mouth now (she's 21 now)I have helped raise her from the age of abt 11,(dad had custody)BM could WOULD NOT ALLOW me even the simplest role in SD's life,(after she manipulated SD into making our lives so miserable that it came to a head one night and her dad threw SD out of the house,just like they both planned,we knew who was pulling the strings!) BM was(and is)too insecure and WACKO to LET ANYONE into SD's life without her express approval, which usually means, what can they bring with them?? Usually money and taking care of the both of them, they DO NOT LIKE TO WORK!When SD comes over,be polite,do not offer anything,(it only end up hurting you)that way you get to keep your sanity, and MAYBE you might eventually end up being friends when she is done with all of her hormone and rough stages of growing up she is going through!
Maybe you can let her know that you will always be here for her,but only when she seeks you out!And then give her that space she seems to want right now.
Also, could you ask your hubby if it would be a good idea for all of you to go into counciling,just her for now if she will allow it,and later maybe hubby and you can join in,it sure couldn't hurt,that;s for sure.
It helped me!
hangingin

GoneCrazy's picture

Submitted by GoneCrazy on Mon, 10/22/2007 - 1:53pm

Thank you for all the wonderful advice...I am so glad I found this site. I have been doing as suggested and not offering anything. And Guess what?!? Last night she asked for my HELP!!! Thank you everyone, very much!

Anonymous's picture

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 10/22/2007 - 2:23pm

Maybe she just wanted to know that you respected her boundaries. When you do respect her boundaries, then she knows she can trust you.